Foccus review?

christyhal · October 2010

FI and I completed the FOCCUS questionnaire at our EE weekend at the beginning of this month. We've got a meeting with our priest next week, to review it.

We're both a little nervous about this....those of you who have done this already, what can we expect? How is this meeting likely to go?

catarntina · October 2010

They just look at the scores and check for any inconsistencies. They have a chart of what should be typical answers, and if one of those don't match it gets flagged for discussion. Our couple brought up some issues that had been flagged as not matching, and we just talked them through with the couple going over everything. I would say 95% of the things that were flagged, FI and I had already discussed, so there were no real surprises.

The idea is to make sure there aren't any surprises that should be discussed prior to getting married. And if there is anything surprising, that they get discussed *now* rather than at the divorce table in 2 years.

mica178 · October 2010

We did ours with a very nice lady. It was totally benign. We talked about the questions where H and my answers differed, and as catarntina said, most of the things were subjects we'd already discussed.

kbarker719 · October 2010

I was nervous too, and I have to say that it was a really good experience after all my angst. I'm really excited to hear what you thought of it. Even though I knew he wouldn't, I was afraid I'd be judged or grilled, or have my beliefs put to the test and this was not the case at all. The person we met with is a deacon in training, and he was basically a neutral for us. He pointed out areas where we strongly agreed, and he inquired about areas where we seemed to have different opinions. Some of this could be answered by one of us not fully understanding the question, or perceiving it in different ways, and at other times we just had different ways of describing the same viewpoint. I found the whole thing to be comforting in retrospect. Our session was more of a coaching session, and a reminder to communicate and ask questions of each other. We also prayed together at the end, and I thought that was so cool. I'm a devout Catholic, but fairly new to my faith despite being raised Catholic (I just came into my own in the last 5 years or so), so I'm still so thrilled any time someone suggests group prayer. Let us know your thoughts on the experience!

[Deleted User] · October 2010

Basically, our priest just scored them and then we had a meeting with him to discuss the inconsistenties. He also pointed out the questions that were the same but worded differently and whether or not we were consistent in our answers. For us, it came down to a few different things in which he discussed with us as well as ways to handle conflict and disputes.

Don't worry about it too much, the priest or deacon will still marry you, it is just one of those pre-wedding assessments that they are required to do. Dont worry about it, everything will be just fine.

newlyseliski · October 2010

It's not that bad! My FI and I actually took it with our deacon before we got engaged and talked it over with him (long story). We actually interpreted a few of the questions differently and had rvery divergent answers because of that... but other than that, it was a really good discussion tool to talk about and get guidance on communicating about some of our challenges!

As long as you both answer all the questions as honestly as possible, you should be fine, because I know some people who "cheated" just so they didn't have to talk about as many uncomfortable things. Definitely don't worry, because your priest won't think anything less of you and your fiance for being honest. None of us are perfect and will all have challenges in our relationships

akg0053 · October 2010

Ours was about 20 minutes long, and we agreed on almost everything (even it didn't agree with what the church wanted, we still agreed with each other) because we had already discussed every issue addressed on the FOCCUS. Honestly, you and your FI have probably discussed a lot of that over the course of your relationship anyway, so I'm willing to bet the scores won't surprise you.

GeorgiaPeachMarie · October 2010

We had ours on Wednesday. I was kind of surprised at how long it actually took to review. Ours was reviewed by the church deacon who is also a good friend of ours. It was kind of strange in that we agree on pretty much everything, but we didn't agree with the "preferred" answer. Our biggest issue is and I think always will be dealing with our families, but it has been talked to death between the two of us. Our deacon wanted to reopen all of these issues. He actually gave us some new insight and we drew up a "contract" to help us with these issues. I was really presently surprised, and I can't wait for the Pre-Cana weekend.

christyhal · October 2010

Thanks for all your input. FI and I talked about the foccus after we took it, and while we both thought we had already discussed a lot of the issues on it, I think there are a good chunk of the questions we think we interpreted differently (and answered differently) even though having talked about it we do agree on whatever the subject was.

(eh...did that make any sense at all?)

Danielle169 · November 2010

So the FOCCUS is just answering questions and comparing them to my fiances? This is supposed to tell us how well we know each other (for real) and what communication issues we could avoid? This makes me nervous only because I dont have a personal relationship with my priest.

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