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In Need of Support

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Re: In Need of Support

  • OP, Please listen to what all these women are telling you. As a crisis counselor and growing in an alcoholic/violent home I can promise you that things will not get any better unless the BOTH of you get help. While I totally agree that you should seek counseling for yourself and work on yourself, you cannot force him and nothing will even remotely get better for the relationship unless you both get help. Violence is a cycle and never happens just one time (I mean emotional violence). I lived through it with my parents, and my father was not only abusive to my mother, he was toward us as well. If you cannot consider your own safety, please consider the safety of your future children because chances are, it will trickle down to them as well. My mother went into labor with me over a month early because my father kicked her in the stomach..and I am the fourth child, so my parents brought 4 children into this violence. Because you have probably gone through similar situations it is easy for you to find a relationship with someone who is violent/abusive because it is what you know and what is "normal" to you. I can assure you that it is not normal and can promise you that things will get better if you leave and get help for yourself. Counseling does not mean you are crazy, it just will help you put things in perspective and realize that you are worth alot more than you will allow yourself to get. Your self-esteem is probably so low that you think to yourself that you deserve this and you might as well stay because nobody else will love you. This is why I strongly encourage you to listen to PPs and learn for yourself that you deserve much better than you allow yourself and you will find someone that will LOVE you and will be worth waiting for. As someone who has been there, please consider this advice. This is not your fault, you both probably come from dysfunctional homes which drew you to each other, but it makes for an extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. You do not owe him anything, do not pay for his bail bonds or give him anything. He put his hands on you regardless of what you said or did, and he inflicted injury upon you. Again, I work with DV families and police will not arrest someone just to arrest them. They must have felt as if he was a danger toward you in order to do so. Honestly that is a homicidal act, which he could be psychiatrically hospitalized for. Also, please look into some AA groups in your area. They will offer you so much support and really help keep you on track to stop drinking. Please keep in mind that you will not be able to remain sober while being in a relationship with an alcoholic. There are many triggers there that will jeopardize your sobriety. Please get yourself well and move on to bigger and better things. Things are rough now and you will feel like the world has been pulled out from underneath you, but if you take everyone's advice, things will get better and you will be so grateful for your suffering now. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37e2f504-5710-43b2-8bcb-24cbdf202861Post:bba4f785-d203-470b-aa0e-40bfe5dd03d6">Re: In Need of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]He claims that I am the abuser and that he lives in fear of me. That he never knows when I'm going to blow up and come after him with a knife. I have never, ever, in my entire life, gone after anyone with a knife. Why he thinks this is beyond me. He makes me feel like I'm some crazy, abusive lunatic. The only time I flip out or become violent is under the influence of alcohol. I may get angry occasionally, but I'm HUMAN. I talked to him about trying to salvage the relationship earlier and <strong>he says he loves me but doesn't want to salvage the relationship anymore.</strong> Yet he expects me to pay off his bail bonds, court fees, fines, etc. When I asked what we're going to do when the rent is due next month, he replied he "doesn't know." He <strong>won't give me a straight answer as to whether everything is over or not</strong>. I know everyone says to leave, but I'm not ready to give up. We both need help. I can't get help for him, but I can get help for myself.<strong> I love this man and I want our relationship to be healthy and happy</strong>. I believe it can become that way <strong>if we both work toward it</strong>. And I know he loves me, even though this fight esculated into such a huge, violent mess. I don't know what to do right now. I'm trying to stay away from him. I'm trying to find myself. I'm trying not to sink into a void.
    Posted by flapper2011[/QUOTE]

    Here are your choices:  leave or die.  Is that plain enough for you?  You can WANT the relationship to work all you want.  You can LOVE him and it still won't work.

    He's NOT going to "work towards it."  Your relationship is NOT going to be healthy and happy.  He DID give you a straight answer about the state of your relationship:  it's over.  He DOESN'T WANT to salvage the relationship.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • I just read through all four pages of this thread and honey you need to leave him ASAP! I don't care what mistakes you made, it doesn't matter. He hurt you. Did you draw blood from him? No. Did the police arrest you? No. He is the abusive one here no matter what he tells you. You need to pack up your things and leave right now.

    Your relationship is not worth saving because you deserve so much more than this. You deserve a man who will love you all the time and who would never lay a hand on you. You deserve someone who would want to support you when you try to stop drinking. You deserve respect.

    So pack up your things and go stay with a friend or family member. Start getting counseling and going to AA. Don't take calls or see this asshole ever again. Start getting your drinking problem under control and making positive changes in your life. When you look back you will see that leaving him is the best thing you could've done for yourself.


  • Why do you want to stay in a relationship where both of you live in fear of one another?  That's no way to live.

    I'm sorry but you're only putting yourself in danger if you stay.  It's not worth it.
    panther
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2010
    I've been checking on this thread the past couple of days and I just need to say a few things to you OP.

    First, you need to get help, you grew up in an abusive house hold which has affected you (as you said it yourself). So besides going AA which is a great suggestion you need to see just general counseling. Going through traumatic things can do things to you and obviously the trama you had as a child has done something to you. I am telling you from someone who has had traumatic experience in their life that counseling does help, it is amazing how good you feel to talk to someone and have them go with you with your problems.

    Second, I'm sorry to tell you but the happy relationship you want with this man is not going to happen. You might change yourself for not drinking but that doesn't mean that he isn't going to stop hitting or mentally abusing you (aka playing the mind games like he's been doing). The best thing for both of you is to just leave before something worse happens.

    I for one have seen the worse of what happens to abusive relationships. I beg you to take a step back and rethink you being near this guy that you love. No person can claim they love you and actually hurt you, no matter what lashing out you did. So please for your safety, leave and seek counseling to help with the problems that are going on.
  • Just leave.  *sigh*  By acting out that he's afraid he's trying to make you think and believe that you're the one with the problem.  Reality check here, he was the one that got arrested.  You didn't get him arrested, he got himself arrested.  Go back and re-read what I said about the MO of an abuser.

    Leave.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:37e2f504-5710-43b2-8bcb-24cbdf202861Post:db2b6527-2bd3-47c0-b53f-697a75be257e">Re: In Need of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: In Need of Support : Here are your choices:  leave or die.  Is that plain enough for you?  You can WANT the relationship to work all you want.  You can LOVE him and it still won't work. He's NOT going to "work towards it."  Your relationship is NOT going to be healthy and happy.  He DID give you a straight answer about the state of your relationship:  it's over.  He DOESN'T WANT to salvage the relationship.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
    Again, tide is wise.  You really need to face the reality of what the relationship is, not what you wish it would be.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Just wanted to give you all an update:
    Tonight I went to my first A.A. meeting.  It was very supportive and encouraging, and I will continue to attend. I am also going to see my doctor about getting back on my anti-depressants. I believe I may be bipolar, as it runs in my family.
    FI and I are keeping our distance, but being civil to one another. Please don't judge.
    I am working on getting myself healthy. I can't change anyone else but myself.
    I appreciate all the concern and advice. You ladies have helped me through this difficult week. I have been spending a lot of time with my family and trying to surround myself with positivity. However, for the time being, I am not going to leave my FI. I am, however, going to look into receiving counceling, and eventually couple's counceling. This ordeal has been traumatic for the both of us, and we both need time to heal.

  • So happy to hear you are reaching out for support. I wish you all the best and good luck. Remember we are here for you.

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  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2010
    Get the help you need. You're taking the right steps with the meetings and seeing your doctor. You really have too much on your plate right now, you should really seek counseling so that you can get yourself into a healthy place without being completely overwhelmed by tackling everything at once.

    But please, regardless of whether or not you stay with your FI, I'm begging you: call off the wedding. It's not an easy decision to make, but neither of you are in any condition at this time to even consider taking such a step.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:37e2f504-5710-43b2-8bcb-24cbdf202861Post:fbd573d5-f296-4244-b2c5-4e33c13d029c">Re: In Need of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: In Need of Support : OP, I agree that it is a difficult thing to do.  I've been there.  10 years ago, I was engaged to a guy & we were litterally 1 day from mailing the invites.  I called it off b/c I knew our relationship was not healthy.  He pleaded with me to stay together and go to counseling.  I did out of some sense of obligation but I knew I didn't love him.  Counseling wasn't going to make me love him but I went.  Our relationship ended when I asked him to get all of things and leave (he didn't have furniture, just clothes and still had a place to stay).  He got angry and punched a hole in the wall.  I didn't want to be the next target so I ran out of the room, grabbed a phone, and locked myself in my car and called the cops.  <strong>You can postpone the wedding.  You can.  It's probaly more common than you think and you don't need to give an specific reason as to why.  Chalk it up to finances or changing life goals or whatever. </strong>
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]
    Exactly.  Deciding that you're not going to move forward with planning the wedding right now doesn't mean that the relationship is over, but you really need to work on your relationship and get it to a place where you're comfortable with it being exactly the same way for the rest of your life before you start up with the wedding plans again.  If the relationship is worth saving, he'll understand that.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • OP.  You will receive no judgement from me.  I, like many women on this thread, was in an abusive relationship.  It never got physical (thank god), but is was VERY VERY emotionally abusive.  My relationship was short, only about 10 months.  And in that short time, I had given up most of my friends, and distanced myself from my family.  I had moved back to my home town for college, I had originally gone out of state.  And we had talked about moving in together and getting married.  Looking back on it now, I cant believe how much I let him control me, and he was SO good at making me believe it was all my fault.  Him cheating on me, yep, my fault.  I can clearly see the red flags on our first date.  But I had such a big crush on him, I overlooked it all.  After we broke up, he told me just how many times he came close to hitting me.  Talk about a wake up call.  I met my husband shortly after that break up.  But my ex continued to stalk me,  he even created an entire blog where he wrote poems about me, and charted where and when he saw me around town.  He would show up at my house at 3am, completely drunk, and would bring his friends with him.  I came thisclose to getting a restraining order.

    I FIRMLY believe that if I stayed with him, I would be dead now.  I know how hard it is to leave someone like that.  You think your life would be over.  I was incredibly depressed to, and I didnt want to go on.  I went to talk to a counselor, and met with her a few times a week for months.  I cant even begin to tell you how much that helped me.  I stopped feeling guilty, and like I brought it upon myself.  And it truly made me able to appreciate my new relationship.  (however, I do now advise jumping into a new relationship right away- I took a lot of insecurities into my new/current relationship)

    Work on you first, let him work on him, then see if you two should work on the couple part.  But you should definitely do that apart. 

    If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm sure that anyone here would be more than happy, myself included.

    Good luck to you!!! 
  • OP--one step at a time.  That's all that can be expected.  We're not going to judge.  Please keep us posted on how you're doing.  Congrats on the AA meeting!
  • Thanks you guys.
    I made an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow and am attending another A.A. meeting tonight.
    Right now I am not even thinking about the wedding. Right now my only concerns are getting myself mentally healthy, getting through this traumatic time and seeing if we can try to salvage our relationship.
    I have not been drunk in a week. I would like to say I have not had anything to drink in a week, but on Friday my coworkers and I had a Christmas get-together after work and I did have a couple margaritas. Not enough to get me drunk, and I stopped after two. Other than that I have not had anything alcoholic at all.
  • Kudos to you!  One step at a time, and you've chosen your priority.  You probably know this now from AA, but don't expect your FI to change.  Actually, expect him to be irritated with the changes you're making, and be aware that he may try and sabotage it.  Just a heads up.  Be strong.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:37e2f504-5710-43b2-8bcb-24cbdf202861Post:a8a18f38-bbb6-43df-93da-0038f8a1f830">Re: In Need of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks you guys. I made an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow and am attending another A.A. meeting tonight. Right now I am not even thinking about the wedding. Right now my only concerns are getting myself mentally healthy, getting through this traumatic time and seeing if we can try to salvage our relationship. I have not been drunk in a week. I would like to say I have not had anything to drink in a week, but on Friday my coworkers and I had a Christmas get-together after work and I did have a couple margaritas. Not enough to get me drunk, and I stopped after two. Other than that I have not had anything alcoholic at all.
    Posted by flapper2011[/QUOTE]

    I'm so proud of you for coming here, sharing your story, taking the advice that you received to heart, and starting to get your life in order.  It will be a long road, but, like Jackie said, it's one step at a time.  Please keep us updated on your progress, and know that you have a lot of people rooting for you.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:37e2f504-5710-43b2-8bcb-24cbdf202861Post:cf33e16e-082b-4501-86a6-c758f25712e8">Re: In Need of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: In Need of Support : I'm so proud of you for coming here, sharing your story, taking the advice that you received to heart, and starting to get your life in order.  It will be a long road, but, like Jackie said, it's one step at a time.  Please keep us updated on your progress, and know that you have a lot of people rooting for you.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    I stayed out of this for the most part, but I kept up with the story. It's a situation that I've dealth with indirectly I suppose.

    I quoted Tide, because what she said is so perfectly true. It's one step at a time, like anything else in life. There are times where you might feel weak and want to go back to the lifestyle you had before. When this happens, take a deep breath and keep your eyes on the prize.

    I'm so very sorry that this happened to you and I wish you all the best in the future.
  • Ditto tide.

    Many of the girls have given great advice, but if I may just add one thing. Obviously this is very easy for me to say and I'm probably projecting but please stop drinking altogether. I have a friend who used to be in a similar background and she would just make occasional exceptions to not drinking with some really unpleasant results.

    But most importantly I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, no judgement here because I've never had to face anything as tough as you have. I'm glad you're here with so many amazing ladies who are behind you and hope you can find a close friend/family member to support you right now. If you don't mind, I'll be praying for you.

  • I'm so glad to hear you are getting help! Just take it one step at a time :) You will be in my thoughts :D


  • Thank you, all of you.  I went to my second A.A. meeting tonight, a Women's only meeting. It's just... I guess "nice" would be the word, knowing I am not alone in what I am going through. Our stories are somewhat different, but we have our similarities.
    My FI is actually glad that I am going to A.A. and asks about the meetings. We're still on shaky grounds right now, but that's to be expected. I'm going to continue to go to the A.A. meetings, at least a couple times a week.
    Someday I might ask my FI to go to an A.A. meeting with me... some of the men there shared their stories which were so similar to things which have happened in my FI's past. I think he could benefit from it as well... but I'm not going to push it right now. I'm just taking things one day at a time. I cannot solve all my life's problems in one day, or one week. Right now my priority is staying sober.
    I think everything happens for a reason... and perhaps this whole ordeal happened because God- if there is a God- was telling me to stop drinking. I was heading down a very bad path in life, and the drinking was controlling my life. I thank all of you for your words of wisdom and your advice, as it did give me that extra boost to step up and actually do something.
    Life is gradually regaining some "normalcy"... though I realize that norm is going to be different from now on. It is... what it is. Whenever I feel the urge to drink from now on, I hope I remember how shitty it felt to have my life fucked up due to alcohol. In the end, it's not worth it.

  • Good for you hun! I am proud of you!! Good luck to you and your FI!
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