The Unofficially Official Engagement

jeezidunno · June 2010

Hello future brides

This is my first post here, but it certainly won't be my last. I really just have a question on... I guess a technicality. Me and my boyfriend are not officially engaged, but we have made a commitment to each other to get married. We have already discussed a lot of our future plans, and have even decided on a timeframe for marriage (Spring, 2011). The only thing is, he has yet to officially propose. The reason for this is that we are both in Iraq, and he said he doesn't want to do it here... he "wants to do it right." All of this is fine by me, and I know that when it finally happens, it will be perfect.

Out of excitement, I have already told my family about my plans, and the word is spreading quickly. Now people refer to him as my fiance, or say things like "congrats on the engagement!" I have typically said something along the lines of "thank you, but it's not official yet" but I feel kind of weird saying that. My question is, should I bother to correct them, or just go along with it since the actual commitment has already been made?

Tina

AmandalovesAl · June 2010

That is wonderful!! I hope that you both come back safe and sound and make beautiful plans!!

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

If you have made a committment to each other to get married, it sounds like you are engaged. That being said, only you and your partner can say whether you're engaged not or not.

I wish you both the best of luck.

frenchy730 · June 2010

I would ask your boyfriend/fiance how he thinks you should respond to those kind of congratulations. He may be fine with it. If you two decide that you are in fact not engaged by the terms you agree upon, stop telling people about your wedding plans-- I'm sure you can see how that is confusing to people. Simply tell them "we're starting to make plans for our future, but we're not engaged yet. But thank you"

FutureMrsMcDaniel · June 2010

I'm of the thinking that you don't need an engagement ring to be considered 'engaged', but I really think you need a proposal. But I agree with the other girls that you should ask your FI how he thinks you should address these congratulations.

My FI and I talked about getting married for a long time before he proposed. We went to look at engagement rings; he gave me a time frame in which he was going to propose; we both agreed we would get married in 8/10. But I didn't tell people we were engaged because we weren't. He hadn't proposed to me.

jeezidunno · June 2010

Thank you everyone for the responses. I don't really want to ask him because I myself don't consider us technically engaged, and I don't want him thinking I was crazy for jumping the gun and telling everyone- which I didn't (only told my dad and two sisters, but they are all aware that I'm still waiting for the official proposal). I just wasn't sure how to respond to other people when they make comments. But... actually, I think I will ask him tonight just because I'm curious to hear how he would respond. That, and it could be an amusing conversation

That being said, I'm pretty sure I'm getting my ring when we go home in October. I'm trying not to think too much about when he'll actually pop the question... I'm looking forward to the surprise. Thanks again, ladies!

RenadaFreeland · June 2010

Im in the same boat pretty much. Eric and I have a date set..he has a ring for me and everything. However I am living in Vancouver BC right now and he is living in Santa Ana California. So he is waiting until i am down there for the "official" proposal. However he wont tell me if it is my visit next month or when I move back there in September.

However most everyone knows that we are getting married, we have a date set,plans are in works...I continue to refer to him as my boyfriend but everyone else refers to him as my fiance. It doesnt bother me either way. People are going to call it whatever they want, I say thank you when I get a congratulations. Though I do feel the need to always explain why the ring I wear on that finger is obviously NOT an engagement ring.

Long story short, I never really care what other people have to say about it. As long as you two know whats going on thats what counts!

emjohn1019 · June 2010

My bf and I are in a similar situation. We've picked out the ring, been discussing wedding plans, and my parents have already been told and are working on a budget. But, he hasn't officially proposed. On the one hand, I feel engaged because I know it's coming and when we're actually going to get married. But, we still refer to each other as bf and gf - not fiance and fiancee. We're waiting on the official proposal....which should be any time in the next month. Having said that, that's just what works for us. Do whatever you and your bf/fiance feel comfortable with. If you feel engaged and the words are all but spoken, then go ahead and be the fiance! :-)

rebeccaruth84 · June 2010

Ok I haven't commented at all on these boards yet but I have to say I'm in a very similar situation. My boyfriend is a Marine who ended up taking a job where he was going to be deployed without very much notice. We are crazy in love and had already discussed getting married. We decided to tell my family before he left for training to get their blessing. But in the mean time he didn't get to make it "official" with a ring even though I know he's picked it out already. My family was very excited so they went ahead and spread the news around town. So, in shot, everyone refers to him as my finance, but i still call him my boyfriend. I can sympathize on how the stress of being in the military and deployment can kinda throw a wrench in the best laid plans. I know we will make if official when he is home on leave in July so I am not worried. Its just a little temporary awkwardness... in exchange for a lifetime to being married to the best man I've ever met. So I'll deal with the awkwardness for now

JMistrouble · June 2010

I understand exactly where you are, my fiance and I discussed future plans and marriage for many years before we got "officially" engaged (proposal, ring, etc.) A lot of people in my life referred to him as my "fiance" but I would correct them in a light-hearted way because that was my preference, I felt like if I let it slide then it would feel less important when we finally got engaged. He didn't really care either way, many of his friends called me his fiancee or even wife and he never corrected them, so I didn't let it bother me. I think whatever you both feel comfortable with, just let people know and they will understand.

wadek2 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_unofficially-official-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:509547a8-0152-437d-b3b0-98fafa759cf8Post:cd50cc03-3ef7-40b9-ab79-774128a15b4d">Re: The Unofficially Official Engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm of the thinking that you don't need an engagement ring to be considered 'engaged', but I really think you need a proposal. l[/QUOTE]

I could not agree more. Yes he proposed, sooner than expected so it was without a ring. We have been ring shopping since then. He does however plan to ask again with a ring how he intended to the first time. =]

jelique7 · July 2010

to me it sounds like your engaged...a proposal can be in many forms...its not always a romantic candle lit dinner ending with a huge surprise with him down on one knee. I proposed to my FI without a ring...he said he plans on proposing to me again once he gets a ring lol. He deploys in July 11' and we are doing a JOP in Feb 11' and then having a VR in April 12'.
Anyways what im trying to say is you can be engaged and the dream proposal can come later...its all about the commitment made to each other. But whatever you guys are comfortable with is what matters.
Good luck and welcome to the board

mattycam · July 2010

My FI and I were in the same boat. We were unofficially engaged as well. All it takes is telling one person and the news will spread. My Fi and I had been planning since last year (ex. loooking at halls and eventually booking). We knew we were going to get married but needed to fundraise first! We also didn't want to leave everything until the last minute. He proposed last month and while it was a surprise to many, there were some that already considered us engaged! It all depends on the both of you. I did not consider him my fiance until he proposed.

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