How do I tell her?

KristenandJeremy · May 2011

My fiance's best man has a girlfriend (of 9+ years) whom I have grown very close with over the last 2 years. I wanted her to be a bridesmaid. Now she and the BM are going thru some issues and they might be calling it quits. I don't want to add to her pain but I think I would rather she not be a bridesmaid just in case they do split up before our wedding. Our wedding isn't for 11 months but the rest of my bridal party is already planning things for everyone to do, etc and I'm leary of having her as part of the party now. It actually works out ok for me because now I can have my cousin/goddaughter as a junior bridesmaid.

Help!

misscyndikalene · May 2011

If its rocky right now, I would not ask her. A lot of people make the mistake of asking BP members way too soon and then things happen, friendships end, people break up..etc. But if this girl is going to be a friend even after her break up, its up to you. IMO, I would stay away from this. It sounds like she isnt someone super stable in your life and If I were you, I wouldnt want to take the risk.

littlestowl · May 2011

Have you already asked her to be a BM?

You've said you've grown very close to her. But if she and BM do call it quits, do you still plan and being friends with her afterwards?

If she is a BM and she and BM do call it quits, she may elect on her own to decline further involvement. If she doesn't and you hope to keep a relationship with her, kicking her out would effectively end that relationship.

If you haven't asked her yet, you must decide how much she means to you, regardless of her relationship with BM.

aggiebug · May 2011

yeah I am confused. is she already a BM or do you want to ask her to be one?

KristenandJeremy · May 2011

Sorry, should have clarified...she's already a BM. Most of our friends and family knew he was going to propose when he did it 2 weeks ago so our wedding party has come together very fast.

And to clarify even further...the only thing that has been done is she agreed to be a BM. No money has been spent, no plans have been made, etc.

I would like to carry on a friendship even if they break up but I also know that's going to be very hard and not likely.

littlestowl · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:afe7041b-e5e0-4eec-b684-ab38ec6daa59Post:9319b262-bb02-4f32-889a-a155f7ed225a">Re: How do I tell her?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, should have clarified...she's already a BM. Most of our friends and family knew he was going to propose when he did it 2 weeks ago so our wedding party has come together very fast. And to clarify even further...the only thing that has been done is she agreed to be a BM. No money has been spent, no plans have been made, etc. I would like to carry on a friendship even if they break up but I also know that's going to be very hard and not likely.
Posted by KristenandJeremy[/QUOTE]

<div>Even though no money's been spent, you've still asked her to be a part of something. And to kick her out means you don't want her to be a part anymore and that will most definitely end the friendship.</div><div>
</div><div>I understand that probably due to ties to the Best Man, keeping a friendship with her could be complicated but that doesn't mean it's not likely to happen. </div><div>
</div><div>As I mentioned before, you have to decide how much she means to you, independently of her relationship with BM. If he weren't even in the picture and she was just a friend you had, would you still want her to stay a BM?</div>

aggiebug · May 2011

you are almost a year away from the wedding let it lie.

You don't know if they are going to split. And if they do ya know she just might back out herself. If you go ahead and kick her out now, you are pretty much ending your friendship right her and now.

vicki0508 · May 2011

I think you should wait and see what happens. She and her BF may work it out and stay together, and then you'll have worried for nothing. If they do break up, you can make a decision then based on whether you intend to maintain the friendship, or if she backs out on her own.

You can ask your cousin to be a BM, you don't need to have even sides. If you're close with her and want her standing up there with you, you should ask her.

What do you mean when you said that your other BMs have planned things for everyone to do? If the people in your WP aren't already good friends, don't make them socialize together by having a bunch of wedding-related events (WP brunches, shopping trips, etc). They don't need to become best friends.

Viczaesar · May 2011

Kicking your bridesmaid out of the wedding because she might break up with the best man is a terrible thing to do.

blush64 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:afe7041b-e5e0-4eec-b684-ab38ec6daa59Post:ce303bd5-3bb2-4993-8c4e-842f117c3685">Re: How do I tell her?</a>:
[QUOTE]Kicking your bridesmaid out of the wedding because she might break up with the best man is a terrible thing to do.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

I think it could be a tough situation if they break up but kicking her out is just wrong. Either you really like her and want her to stand up with you at your wedding or you don't.

jilld82 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:afe7041b-e5e0-4eec-b684-ab38ec6daa59Post:9319b262-bb02-4f32-889a-a155f7ed225a">Re: How do I tell her?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, should have clarified...she's already a BM. Most of our friends and family knew he was going to propose when he did it 2 weeks ago so our wedding party has come together very fast. And to clarify even further...the only thing that has been done is she agreed to be a BM. No money has been spent, no plans have been made, etc. I would like to carry on a friendship even if they break up but I also know that's going to be very hard and not likely.
Posted by KristenandJeremy[/QUOTE]

Then no, sorry it's not ok.

It's never a good thing to ask someone to step down as a bm, it doesn't matter if money has been spent or not.

She may step down but unless she does she still needs to be in the wedding.

trix1223 · May 2011

There's no reason to tell her anything right now. If they do break up, she may take herself out of the wedding because of her own comfort level. Or she may not. But for you to tell her, at a time when she's going through a difficult time in a relationship that you care about her only enough to have even sides in your wedding is a pretty crummy message to send to someone you're "close" to.

It may not be what you mean to say, but it's almost certainly how such a message will be received.

Why do you have to even think about this now? How about just being a friend and supporting her through a tough time? Not everything has to be related to your wedding for the next 11 months.

But gosh....good luck to you.

firsttimersluck · May 2011

I think at this point you keep her in. It's going to seriously strain your friendship if you take it back.

"yeah... I love you, but can't have you as a BM because your boyfriend might break up with you"
seems a little harsh and rude.
IF they do break up and she is hurt, you can simply sit down with her and let her know you are there for her and care about her and want her to be a part of your day but will not be offended if it's too painful for her.
To assume that they're relationship being rocky means they are going to end soon is a little harsh...

mbcdefg · May 2011

Don't kick her out, because she's done nothing wrong. Continue on with your plans as normal. If they break up and she feels awkward being a bridesmaid, she will come and talk to you about it. But if she and the Best Man can be civil and get along at your wedding, then it's not your place to decide on their behalf that things would be too awkward for them and boot her.

And why would you only be adding your young cousin if this girl were to exit the wedding party? Why not just add her now if you really want to include her? It'd just be cruel to exclude someone you love because it'd make the sides uneven ... can you imagine hearing (essentially) from someone you love, "You know, normally I'd love to have you in my wedding, but you'd throw off the even sides so I would rather leave you out and have even numbers in my pictures." Even sides don't matter. She doesn't need a matching partner - if you want her, include her, numbers be damned.

zitiqueen · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:afe7041b-e5e0-4eec-b684-ab38ec6daa59Post:565bf2a0-6120-4abf-a1bc-ca120b48ab58">How do I tell her?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's best man has a girlfriend (of 9+ years) whom I have grown very close with over the last 2 years. I wanted her to be a bridesmaid. Now she and the BM are going thru some issues and they might be calling it quits. I don't want to add to her pain but I think I would rather she not be a bridesmaid just in case they do split up before our wedding. Our wedding isn't for 11 months but the rest of my bridal party is already planning things for everyone to do, etc and I'm leary of having her as part of the party now. It actually works out ok for me because now I can have my cousin/goddaughter as a junior bridesmaid. Help!
Posted by KristenandJeremy[/QUOTE]

crlewis803 · May 2011

You never know how the situation will work out. If they stay together all is good. If they split up, she may actually take herself out of the wedding party if its going to be awkward. Since you already asked her I say just wait and see what happens. A lot could happen in 11 months.

mrshellem2012 · May 2011

I would wait and see, but if they do split she might be relieved not to be there with him.

How do I tell her?

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