Wont set a date.... :(

jewels_025 · February 2010

My FI and I have had a VERY busy year(09). We found out I was pregnant, bought a house and had our son all within 7 months. He also proposed to me in April

I have a beautiful ring and beautiful family , but he wont set a date. Not even that he wont set one...he says its soooooo far off in our future he cant even guess. I said like what do you mean like 2012 ? He laughed and was like ...umm...wayyyy longer. OMG I understand why he proposed and I know that money is tight and will take some time to save up but whats the point of getting married in like 2020 ????
What can I do ??

AmoroAgain · February 2010

Well clearly, you two have very different ideas on what it means to be engaged, so I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about when, exactly, he was thinking of getting married. From there, you have to decide what YOU want to do.

H and I had this issue early on, and he was just so overwhelmed with our international move, and everything that goes along with it that he just couldn't think about it.

If you don't know how to talk to your FI, then you have other problems besides when to get married.

swim1011 · February 2010

Yup, definitely talk to him and find out exactly what he means by 'in the future'. It's not really fair to you if he's talking 2015, and you're thinking 2012. Also, you should find out exactly why he wants to wait so long- does he have doubts? Does actually getting married scare him (as if having a baby and a house weren't committment enough)? Why would he even bother proposing if he doesn't want to get married anytime soon? Also, how old are you two? If you're younger (early 20's) I can kind of understand some hesitance.

krmabojo · February 2010

You simply need to sit down with him and talk. Clearly this is an issue. maybe he is worried about money?

redheadfsu · February 2010

You need to have a calm talk with him. Tell him you need to understand what he means by in the future. You deserve to know his timeline. Now, don't be emotional or a nag. Just explain that you just want to understand what he is saying by in the future. Ask for a date (year) or a goal which must be accomplished b/f you two can get married. Have an adult talk.

Once he provides his timeline you have to decide if that works for you. Marriage is about communication & compromise. Sounds like you two need both. It should be a mutual decision as to marriage date & not a one sided decision. GL

jewels_025 · February 2010

Oh we have sat down and talked. ( yes...we know how to talk

) He says he cant even give a rough estimate b/c he has no idea. Im sure its about money....but I dont even care if its a small ceremony with no reception. I dont need the whole Cinderella story book thing.The problem is its not even up for discussion in his mind...so I guess I either go with his flow or.....nothing....go with his flow LOL

swim1011 · February 2010

Well, if you've talked about it, and he's completely and totally nixed the idea.. how long are you willing to wait around for him, when he's already decided he doesn't want to get married to you, period?

If he won't even consider a JOP wedding, that sends up red flags everywhere to me. JOP weddings are not expensive, compared to a 'regular' wedding, and it looks like he's already checked out of this relationship. I would pack up your stuff and move on.

megk8oz · February 2010

Why won't he even consider a JOP ceremony? Those usually cost less than $100, and you wouldn't have to have party after or anything ...

I'm not going to lie, him not having an idea of "when" and not being willing to discuss even just going to the courthouse has me extremely concerned ...

I think that you need to ask yourself how long you're willing to wait. "Going with his flow" being your only option is not exactly a "healthy" way of thinking. Marriage takes 2, and compromises need to be made by both parties for it to work. If it can only be "his" way, then you need to seriously re-evaluate why you're with him ... and possibly move on.

luckyme502 · February 2010

My FI was like this too, there was always some reason why we couldn't plan the wedding yet. So, in November we had yet another lengthy discussion about the whole thing. He said he did want to marry me, so I told him that was great, I was tired of waiting and we would start planning right after the new year. We booked our venue on January 8th. I think even at the dinner at the venue with my parents he was nervous about booking it. He's fine now though. FI is one of those people who will take two years to buy a $100 watch because he wants to have all the facts and get the best deal.

hillaryeggert · February 2010

You've been engaged for almost a year, have a child and a home together and he still doesn't know when he'll be ready to marry you? I doubt money is the biggest issue here.

Sadly I think this happens sometimes, a couple gets pregnant and the guy feels obligated to prove they're "committed," so he puts a ring on the girl's finger without thinking things through. Having a child together is a far bigger commitment than having a ring on your finger, and being engaged doesn't change your situation at all if there's no wedding in sight. I've never understood engagements that last for years and years, and it seems particularly pointless to be "engaged" for multiple years once you have a child and a home together. If he's as committed as he thinks he is, you need to tell him to step up... but that's just my opinion. GL! And P.S., your baby is adorable.

zippykat · March 2010

I would suggest continuing talks with him. Wait for times of less stress. (if that is even possible with the move and the baby) My fiance and I very happily have a very black and white conversations on the important stuff. (Even if it is only 'really' important to only one of us) He will listen and take in everything I have to say if I CLEARLY state what I am feeling. Anywho, I am sure you have tried all of the tricks, but since so much has happened in the last 7 months his mind might be overloaded. (Don't forget men cannot handle as much as us women..lol) Give him a good 6 months and then have a super serious talk. Have some dates in mind....sometimes they just dont want to go thru the "hassle" of picking one. Ugh...you just kidda have to play the man mind game on this one. The key is CLEAR COMMMUNICATION from you to him and from him to you.

MsSheena2U · March 2010

I'm in the same boat accept he keeps making excuses like my vacation days won't start over until the holidays and the holidays will take up all of our money and I wanna buy a house first but he won't get out there and look and the house will take up all of our money next year..... and so on...... so I gave him a choice either pick a date and stick to it or we have nothing else between us but the baby! even though i want him to choose picking a date its well worth it to me to put it out there cause y waist my time loving him if he aint gonna love me back on that same level with the same passion that I have wanting to spend my life with him! and thats all I have to say about that

Wont set a date.... :(

Re: Wont set a date.... :(

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