What would E do?

hjay07 · July 2012

This is long, bear with me. I am supposed to be a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding next month. She lives a few hours from me, so I traveled there this past weekend to help her get some things done. After a few hours of crafts and a few glasses of wine, somehow she let it slip that she and her “fiancé” are already married. He is in the Army, and with the possibility of a deployment looming, they put the brakes on planning their August wedding and went to the courthouse with their parents and got married a few months ago. Shortly after, they learned that he won’t likely be leaving until the end of the year, so they began planning again for their summer wedding. I am at a loss. Upon seeing the “Say WHAT?” look on my face, my friend acted like this is completely normal, even said “It’s a military thing, this is how it works for most couples like us.” So now, not only do I feel lied to, I’m also seriously offended. I have tons of friends and family in the military (including my parents) who’ve gotten married before or after deployments, while on leave, etc. Some had the whole big wedding deal, others went to the courthouse, many different scenarios, but all with the same result: that was their wedding day and they didn’t re-enact it later in different costumes for an audience. My friend asked me to please not say anything as the couple and their parents are the only ones who know and they know others might disagree with what they’re doing. Taken off guard by the whole conversation, I didn’t say much of anything. I would never run off and spill the beans to the guests, it’s not my secret to tell. But I feel that others deserve to know. And regardless of all that, I have seriously mixed feelings about standing up at this “wedding” now that I know the truth. I don’t want to lose a friend, but this friend is putting me in a seriously crappy position. What the heck am I supposed to do?

dumdumfroggie · July 2012

Don't say anything, it's not your place.

However, if you're not comfortable being a BM now, let your friend now. Just be aware that this could be a friendship ending move.

LetsHikeToday · July 2012

I hate the military excuse. It does happen but you're right, many military couples, including me and my husband, have one wedding.

Honestly though, if she was such a good friend that I was a bridesmaid, I wouldn't say anything and still plan to be a bridesmaid. If she is that close to me, I don't see this as something to lose a friendship over. I may be in the minority though.

hjay07 · July 2012

And I apologize profusely for the formatting there...I swear I used paragraphs and they magically disappeared.

Simply Fated · July 2012

This is not a "military thing." The girls over at the military board can back me up on this. At least, some of them will. Some of them have the same thought process that your friend does.

This is a "I want my pretty princess day thing."

It's not your secret to tell, but it's not your secret to keep, either. Meaning, I wouldn't go and announce it, but if she puts you in the position where you'll have to lie to someone about it, I'd turn that situation down.

I don't blame you for having mixed feelings. And I don't feel right telling you to bow out or stay in. This is something I think you need to decide on. I dont' envy your situation at all. I don't know what you're supposed to do, but if she lies to anyone else, I might say something to your friend that she runs the risk of hurting people. Remember, even if she clings to her claim that it's a "military thing" not all of her guests are part of the military.

hjay07 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-would-e-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44994ee-64ad-481c-bad1-17ac4096a5b7Post:d4c21a9c-59e1-4001-8a20-7c0afd7a76a4">Re: What would E do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I hate the military excuse. It does happen but you're right, many military couples, including me and my husband, have one wedding. Honestly though, if she was such a good friend that I was a bridesmaid, I wouldn't say anything and still plan to be a bridesmaid. If she is that close to me, I don't see this as something to lose a friendship over. I may be in the minority though.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

I agree, and I'm not ready to lose the friendship over this, I'm just so upset about it on so many levels. Considering it only takes a couple glasses of wine for her to start spilling secrets though...I would assume everyone will know by the day of the wedding.

aragx6 · July 2012

I would be upset and it would likely forever affect my opinion of this friend, but if you don't want to damage the relationship I'm not sure there's anything you can do but suck it up. If you choose to not stand up with her (which I really understand) just know that she'll be hurt and it will possibly end your friendship. Tough call; I'm sorry she's put you in this situation.

maggieandrey · July 2012

Keep your mouth shut. I know that sounds harsh, but if they want to have a "real" wedding day with all their friends and families now that he's not leaving for deployment, let them.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-would-e-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44994ee-64ad-481c-bad1-17ac4096a5b7Post:37871d3c-a42a-4700-ad3b-ed45a2b45687">Re: What would E do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Keep your mouth shut. I know that sounds harsh, but if they want to have a <strong>"totally bullshitt fake"</strong> wedding day with all their friends and families now that he's not leaving for deployment, let them.
Posted by maggieandrey[/QUOTE]

FTFY

Simply Fated · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-would-e-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44994ee-64ad-481c-bad1-17ac4096a5b7Post:d11df59f-b7f4-4f85-8780-5bcb1222b166">Re: What would E do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What would E do? : FTFY
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
Thank you for editing that. I was having trouble reading the post. Something about a "real" wedding, as though that's what they were having. Ya know, instead of the fake wedding they're actually having.

hjay07 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-would-e-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44994ee-64ad-481c-bad1-17ac4096a5b7Post:37871d3c-a42a-4700-ad3b-ed45a2b45687">Re: What would E do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Keep your mouth shut. I know that sounds harsh, but if they want to have a "real" wedding day with all their friends and families now that he's not leaving for deployment, let them.
Posted by maggieandrey[/QUOTE]

They already had a real wedding day. Thanks though.

Maggie0829 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-would-e-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44994ee-64ad-481c-bad1-17ac4096a5b7Post:37871d3c-a42a-4700-ad3b-ed45a2b45687">Re: What would E do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Keep your mouth shut. I know that sounds harsh, but if they want to have a "real" wedding day with all their friends and families now that he's not leaving for deployment, let them.
Posted by maggieandrey[/QUOTE]

This is a joke right?

OP, so does everyone invited to the "wedding" know that they are married or are they keeping everyone in the dark? If they are lying to everyone (which it sounds like it) that would make me think poorly of my friend. She just wants her PPD and all the gifts that go along with it.

Honestly, I would step down as a BM. Give her some BS excuse if you don't want to harm the friendship, but there is no way that I could stand up there and support what she is doing.

becky659 · July 2012

I agree that it isn't your place to say anything.
But with that said, I would never lie if for some reason somebody asked me point-blank.
I might also decline any more pre-"wedding" events, since the situation could very well come up with other guests, putting you in a very awkward spot.
I'd probably go to the rehearsal, skip the rehearsal dinner, show up for the wedding and stay long enough after to be polite to other guests (if you know them), then head out.

bonge · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-would-e-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44994ee-64ad-481c-bad1-17ac4096a5b7Post:4aca41a2-4614-4827-a32d-3a018f54a74e">Re: What would E do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What would E do? : This is a joke right? OP, so does everyone invited to the "wedding" know that they are married or are they keeping everyone in the dark? If they are lying to everyone (which it sounds like it) that would make me think poorly of my friend. She just wants her PPD and all the gifts that go along with it. Honestly, I would step down as a BM. Give her some BS excuse if you don't want to harm the friendship, <strong>but there is no way that I could stand up there and support what she is doing.</strong>
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>this, all my friends know i have a vrey high moral code so in no way shape or form could i go along with decieving people & pretending to be happy while doing so.</div>

natsfans84 · July 2012

Her FI/husband is ok with the lying? That's weird, since as a member of the Army he should be familiar with the Seven Army Values... loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. I'd have a serious problem with standing up and going along with their lie. Like PP said, I definitely don't envy you. Best of luck with this one!

EK2013 · July 2012

This situation sucks, but your honor isn't on the line here--no one will be mad at you if you stand knowing that this is not a real wedding. If you want to continue the friendship, you probably ought to stand up for her to show your support, not for this "wedding," but for her as a married woman.

Also, she probably really needs a friend right now: She's dug herself in over her head (she can't exactly get unmarried at this point) and is probably going to offend many of her guests in the next year or so (whenever it slips out that she's planning a "wedding" and deliberately hiding the fact that she's married). While you are also offended, you might have more patience for her when you remind yourself how much it is going to suck to be her as the truth comes out.

mizutamababy · July 2012

I don't approve of a lot of things my friends do and have done, but I still support them as a friend. That said, I would not lie if asked point blank and would inform my friend as such. If she has a problem with that I would step down. If she is understanding about it, I would still stand if it were me.

What would E do?

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