Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.

KindaStupid · July 2012

I am writing under an AE, but just the same, please don't quote me, I may DD later.

My husband and I have barely been married 6 months, and I just discovered that he has been responding to personal ads on our local craig'slist forum. As far as I can tell, he has not met up with anyone, or tried to.

There were 3 that he responded to, all the same day, about 2 weeks ago. The first was, talking about dirty panties, I guess he wanted her to send him some, it sounded like she had advertised that she would sell them, and there hasn't been a response. The second, he wrote a dirty story to, and a spambot replied. The third was inquiring about a FMF threesome, that he "knew his wife would be interested in". I have expressed agreement in trying something like that at "some point" but that time has not yet come. I feel like that should be reserved for later in our marriage.

As for how I found out, him and I agreed during premarital counseling that we would give each other our passwords to our email addresses, and give each other free reign to look whenever we wanted. This is the first time I have looked, because I had a "feeling" that I couldn't shake.

What should I do? We have both, in the past, read the personal ads for fun, both together and seperately. It's not the looking that bothers me, its the responding.

Any advice would be appreciated. TIA

kmmssg · July 2012

Go to couples counseling and let this be a lesson that looking at these ads is no longer a safe thing in your marriage.

KindaStupid · July 2012

I agree that counseling is the best thing to do from here, I just don't know how to trust him. He goes on business trips frequently, and I'm worried that this is just the first time I've caught him. My head is spinning.

I confronted him about it when he arrived home from his morning run. I didn't realize he had met up with a friend, who was waiting downstairs. He fully admitted to it, and said he was ashamed, and it was a moment of weakness. I told him to just go with his friend, and I'd see him and talk to him later.
I think he's probably talked to his friend about it since he left the house, because I've gotten 4 text messages from him, none of which I've responded to.

"I'm sorry sweetie, I owe you so much more than what I've given you. I don't deserve someone as gracious as you are to me. I'm so ashamed. "
"Whatever you need of me, I'm yours."
"I know that only time and my working towards bettering myself for you will make this better"
"I love you baby, take whatever you need from me."

angelsong21 · July 2012

KS, he will be sorry and apologetic. He got caught. Do not let his apologies result in letting this go. This is a big deal - you feel violated and your trust has been broken. Words are only words, and its his actions that will be the indicator as to how genuinely sorry he is and if he is willing to change and rebuild your trust in him.

KindaStupid · July 2012

Angelsong, that's how I feel too. Words are cheap and easy. I just don't understand why this is happening so early in our marriage. I could see this happening during the "7 year itch", and I don't even think that I would be as hurt as I am right now, I could write it off to boredom, and I'd amp up our sex life.

I'm just worried that if he's already bored with me and has to look for excitement elsewhere, he's going to eventually cheat for "real" later down the road. Life is easy right now, what is going to happen when we have children, a mortage, or if I were get sick...would he just abandon me because I can't excite him like I used to?

You're right, I feel like I don't know him at all. These are questions that I would have never had to ask about the man that I thought I married.

wrigleyville · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:847c7cfc-99dd-4ed3-9766-e77370c5999c">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't even think that I would be as hurt as I am right now. I'm just worried that if he's already bored with me and has to look for excitement elsewhere, he's going to eventually cheat for "real" later down the road. Life is easy right now, what is going to happen when we have children, a mortage, or if I were get sick...would he just abandon me because I can't excite him like I used to?[/QUOTE]

I edited to keep the points you need to address with him when you talk to him tonight. He can apologize and feel guilty all he wants, but his actions are going to speak louder than texts. I think you should both go to counseling and hash this out.

The fact he did all of this behind your back really concerns me, especially the part about a threesome (not that there's anything wrong with threesomes - it's just imperative you be involved in every step of the process since it involves both of you).

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this right now.

angelsong21 · July 2012

Well, this could have been something that he has done for a long time and kept under wraps. I was amazed at how well this guy had hidden it from me. I had never suspected a thing, and it had gone on for years. Multiple accounts, multiple e-mail addresses I was never aware of, etc. Once I discovered them all, it went back four years.

Your questions were all ones that I had like, "is he bored with me?" and "what have I been doing wrong?" and "I thought he loved me...why is he doing this to me?" An SA therapist can really, really help you work through and process these things, individually and as a couple (again, whether SA is suspected or not). There are likely other free resources near where you live that could be helpful to you as well. If you need any help locating these things, PM me and I'd be happy to give you some info.

My heart breaks for you. I remember that feeling all too well - some days it still feels really fresh even though it happened a long time ago. It's traumatic, and I hope that you will reach out (to a therapist, a good community resource, friends, family, etc) and get the help and support you need to deal with this. I hope that your H will walk the walk and do what he needs to do to rebuild your trust and your relationship, and that is words are not just words. :::hugs:::

andrea2473 · July 2012

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT condoning his behavior or giving him an out or remotely blaming you.

However, if you two have discussed having threesomes and looked through ads together (could have only just been 'for fun' for you), then maybe you have a boundries issue here. You need to talk about what is and isn't appropriate in your sex life. I'm not saying he didn't know what he was doing was wrong, but there might be some gray areas for him when it comes to the ads. A counselor could very well be helpful, particularly if you think he has some sort of addiction or obsession with it, but I also think you can start with attempting to handle it just between the two. If it seems bigger than that, absolutely seek professional advice. Good luck.

ArynBaker · July 2012

KS, I have to ask if you ever discussed with him the boundaries? If yall had looked at the ads together and alone, responding to them without acting further isn't a huge step from that. I'm just saying if that line hadn't been drawn before he may not have thought responding would be a huge deal.

If the line had been drawn beforehand then I completely understand the breach of trust.

KindaStupid · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:8fa3c342-f62d-415a-92fb-9c55b9b339fd">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]DISCLAIMER: I am NOT condoning his behavior or giving him an out or remotely blaming you. However, if you two have discussed having threesomes and looked through ads together (could have only just been 'for fun' for you), then maybe you have a boundries issue here. You need to talk about what is and isn't appropriate in your sex life. I'm not saying he didn't know what he was doing was wrong, but there might be some gray areas for him when it comes to the ads. A counselor could very well be helpful, particularly if you think he has some sort of addiction or obsession with it, but I also think you can start with attempting to handle it just between the two. If it seems bigger than that, absolutely seek professional advice. Good luck.
Posted by andrea2473[/QUOTE]

I agree. I sent the couple that did our pre-marital counseling a message, we're going to arrange a time to talk.

The sad thing is, I'm not even that "mad". I'm just mainly confused and hurt. I didn't even yell at him. I just looked at him when he walked in the door, and he immediately knew something was wrong, and came and gave me a hug, and asked me what was wrong, and I said "I know what you've been doing on craig'slist", and started crying.

J&K10910 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:53d6d1ff-375a-4f70-9f90-599b556e34f8">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]KS, I have to ask if you ever discussed with him the boundaries? If yall had looked at the ads together and alone, responding to them without acting further isn't a huge step from that. I'm just saying if that line hadn't been drawn before he may not have thought responding would be a huge deal. If the line had been drawn beforehand then I completely understand the breach of trust.
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

This.

But, for now, it sounds like you're pretty confused and feeling betrayed. I understand that. If it were me, I'd take some time for myself (is there someone you can stay with for a few days for a little space to clear your head?) and go b ack to it in a few days. Talk to him, draw the boundaries if you haven't already, etc.

The thing is, he broke your trust. Regardless of how he did it, he did it. You can't have a functional relationship without it. You can certainly work towards building it again, but only you will know if you want to/are able to work on that.

andrea2473 · July 2012

I don't know what to say. Some people, if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. I think you need to let him fully explain his thought process before you start throwing out your theories. Get to the root of the problem and try to move on. I'm sorry you're sad.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:8fa3c342-f62d-415a-92fb-9c55b9b339fd">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]DISCLAIMER: I am NOT condoning his behavior or giving him an out or remotely blaming you. However, if you two have discussed having threesomes and looked through ads together (could have only just been 'for fun' for you), then maybe you have a boundries issue here. You need to talk about what is and isn't appropriate in your sex life. I'm not saying he didn't know what he was doing was wrong, but there might be some gray areas for him when it comes to the ads. A counselor could very well be helpful, particularly if you think he has some sort of addiction or obsession with it, but I also think you can start with attempting to handle it just between the two. If it seems bigger than that, absolutely seek professional advice. Good luck.
Posted by andrea2473[/QUOTE]

100% this. If it were me, these would be serious issues that might destroy our marriage, but I know without a doubt that my H knows this would be off limits for me. Does your H know that about you?

KindaStupid · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:53d6d1ff-375a-4f70-9f90-599b556e34f8">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]KS, I have to ask if you ever discussed with him the boundaries? If yall had looked at the ads together and alone, responding to them without acting further isn't a huge step from that. I'm just saying if that line hadn't been drawn before he may not have thought responding would be a huge deal. If the line had been drawn beforehand then I completely understand the breach of trust.
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

I don't think we ever specifically said "It's ok that we're looking at these, but don't ever respond", but it has always been in the name of humor. It seems like some of them are jokes, because no sane person would come up with some of the things these people do.
It has never been pornographic in nature, to me at least.

I suppose that this could be one of the many things that is common sense to a woman, but has to be spelled out to a man.

J&K10910 · July 2012

Sounds like this might be one of those "I thought I would be cool with this, then this happened, and now I realized I'm not at all cool with this," things. If that's the case, then you just need to have a talk with your H about how you felt when you found out and that you realized that this is not for you (at least, not for now). If he's fine with that, then good. If not, then you need to figure out what YOU want.

KindaStupid · July 2012

Thank you for the advice everyone. Since the line hadn't been fully drawn, I'm not going to make a huge deal about it, other than getting back into counseling.

I have to admit though, I feel like I want him to take a break from his computer, smartphone, and tablet for a bit. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to take a break from all of that stuff, since it is, apparently, a temptation for him?

ETA- The reason why I think I want this, I think, is because I don't trust him. He's connected to the internet 24 hours a day, he even takes his tablet to the toilet with him. I feel like I won't be able to trust him until he at least spends some time offline.

J&K10910 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:93508b9a-898c-434c-a251-f99f534ed433">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the advice everyone. Since the line hadn't been fully drawn, I'm not going to make a huge deal about it, other than getting back into counseling. <strong>I have to admit though, I feel like I want him to take a break from his computer, smartphone, and tablet for a bit. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to take a break from all of that stuff, since it is, apparently, a temptation for him?</strong>
Posted by KindaStupid[/QUOTE]

I would not be a fan of you asking me to do this. I assume there are a great many things he does on the internet that are completely appropriate. And I assume he only has one phone--how can you take his phone away? Look, you said yourself that the line hadn't been fully drawn. I'm not condoning what he did, but perhaps once you do draw the boundaries the right way there won't be a problem.

KindaStupid · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:c58f404d-2567-4d2e-b153-7794c73faff2">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed. : I would not be a fan of you asking me to do this. I assume there are a great many things he does on the internet that are completely appropriate. And I assume he only has one phone--how can you take his phone away? Look, you said yourself that the line hadn't been fully drawn. I'm not condoning what he did, but perhaps once you do draw the boundaries the right way there won't be a problem.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Yeah, you're right. Just an overreaction on my part I suppose.

J&K10910 · July 2012

I'm going to not sugarcoat it. I feel like you want to ask him to give up the internet just to see how much he'll do to win you back.

I completely understand not being trusting of his internet activity, or being irritated by him being on it constantly, but there are other ways to work through that, IMO. I think asking him to disconnect completely is just going to create animosity and resentment and it won't be a healthy platform for working through this.

ArynBaker · July 2012

I agree that asking him to step away from all the electronics would be a bad idea. However, I don't think it's unreasonable to set up date nights where you leave the electronics behind or if at home, turn the phones off. It could help you two focus on each other completely.

I know that's not the same thing you were thinking about but it could help yall reconnect because I know after you feel a breach of trust it can be difficult to feel really close to someone.

J&K10910 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:aff3f622-13b7-4a70-8014-bbaca57b2b2a">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that I think asking him to step away from all the electronics would be a bad idea. However, I don't think it's unreasonable to set up date nights where you leave the electronics behind or if at home, turn the phones off. It could help you two focus on each other completely. I know that's not the same thing you were thinking about but it could help yall reconnect because I know after you feel a breach of trust it can be difficult to feel really close to someone.
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

Yup, something like this is what I was thinking. Or having a designated "no devices time" every night--like dinner, or even a TV show you watch together.

angelsong21 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:aff3f622-13b7-4a70-8014-bbaca57b2b2a">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that asking him to step away from all the electronics would be a bad idea. However, I don't think it's unreasonable to set up date nights where you leave the electronics behind or if at home, turn the phones off. It could help you two focus on each other completely. I know that's not the same thing you were thinking about but it could help yall reconnect because I know after you feel a breach of trust it can be difficult to feel really close to someone.
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I think it's a bad idea to ask him to step away from his devices as well because you think there is too much temptation there for him. He's an adult and should be able to handle himself as such. He is responsible for dealing with his temptations and for finding a way to minimize them - not you. He will either show you he can do the right thing or he will show you that he can't. </div><div>
</div><div>I agree with Aryn on having some agreed-upon times in which both you and your H set aside time for each other with no phones, computers, tablets, etc.</div>

J&K10910 · July 2012

Also? You can ask him to step away from his devices now, but if he truly can't handle the temptation, a break from them isn't going to change anything. He'll just go back to it when you "let" him back on them. So either he can stop, or he can't, but a short break from it isn't going to magically change the outcome of that.

whitsy · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:e8933d5a-b1d3-4517-a94a-f7d15012a5ae">Re:Found out husband is quot;cheating?quot; Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not unreasonable to ask him to take a break from his devices with Internet access while you two get into counseling. It is unreasonable for you to ask what you've done to make him explore options with other partners. It's not YOU, it's HIM, as evidenced by the groveling when you caught him. Please don't take the victim mentality. He would have done this regardless.
Posted by coopergirl15[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it is. He's not a child. Taking away his toys only means better behavior during the duration of punishment. It doesn't really serve any purpose other than to make the OP feel better.</div><div>
</div><div>You've decided that what he did isn't acceptable, and that's fine. If it's not a dealbreaker, something that you feel like can be worked out, then do that.</div>

J&K10910 · July 2012

Jackie, I feel like you're a cheerleader. Except less slutty and obnoxious.

J&K10910 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:fdfd47a1-fb8e-4f6e-9245-bdf89f2434ee">Re:Found out husband is quot;cheating?quot; Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a really personal question and feel free not to answer, but have you had trust issues in the past? You said you guys decided in counseling to give each other freedom to check everything the other does. This makes me think you've had Internet based fidelity issues of some sort in the past, because that just doesn't seem like something most couples would do.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Thank you. I was trying to figure out a way to word my concern about that, but it just came off sounding like "Well that's weird, why did you do THAT?!" in my head each time.

If this is not a new thing, it changes my thoughts on the situation a lot.

wrigleyville · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:157d2e82-42b1-45f2-b56c-1ef5dca2c453">Re: Found out husband is "cheating?" Advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]Also? You can ask him to step away from his devices now, but if he truly can't handle the temptation, a break from them isn't going to change anything. He'll just go back to it when you "let" him back on them. So either he can stop, or he can't, but a short break from it isn't going to magically change the outcome of that.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
This is spot on.

J&K10910 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:225575a1-429b-419d-ac2e-b16599c80f86">Re:Found out husband is</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Found out husband is : Haha, I have a knack for just barreling in and saying what others are thinking but worried about it being rude/coming across wrong.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Haha, like I worry about being rude? ;) It just didn't add anything productive the way I wanted to word it and I couldn't figure out how to get all my thoughts out of my head.

J&K10910 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:435e4461-b797-4c48-afc0-df54b891448d">Re:Found out husband is</a>:
[QUOTE]Agreed. Asking him to put down the toys is really all about making the OP feel better. She certainly can't forbid him from using his devices and shouldn't lay her request down like a demand. Obviously she's pretty traumatized, so if telling him to not access the tools he used to break the trust [even if it's just until they can get into counseling again] helps her, it might be worthwhile to ease her discomfort. No one is accusing her husband of being a child, or needing to be punished like one.
Posted by coopergirl15[/QUOTE]

I get what you're saying. I really, really do. But, IMO, doing it this way is likely to just create resentment and animosity and hurt more than be helpful. It might make OP feel better at first, but it won't do anything helpful in the long run.

It's like putting on a bandaid before you jump in the pool. It doens't make the chlorine sting any less, and eventually it just comes off and then there's a gross bandaid floating in the pool.

crash2729 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_found-out-husband-is-cheating-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67fe948f-05e1-4f46-b767-b0b0198222f6Post:a03c4f1e-4215-419b-85d1-3be014d418af">Re:Found out husband is</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Found out husband is : I get what you're saying. I really, really do. <strong>But, IMO, doing it this way is likely to just create resentment and animosity and hurt more than be helpful.</strong> It might make OP feel better at first, but it won't do anything helpful in the long run. It's like putting on a bandaid before you jump in the pool. It doens't make the chlorine sting any less, and eventually it just comes off and then there's a gross bandaid floating in the pool.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
This. <div>Also, if he REALLY wants to look at it he will find a way while OP is not around. </div>

wrigleyville · July 2012

Most phones have internet, and taking away his phone could be a safety issue (ex: car breaks down), so this is pretty moot. Besides, it's not like he couldn't go to the library and log on there. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Taking away his "toys" is only going to create resentment. The idea is to rebuild trust and heal, not create more things to argue about.

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