In Need of advice...

Re: In Need of advice...

• artbyallie mod

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-of-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c16a49e6-8afb-4fa5-9d7d-d609b5198458Post:051b8ac4-b286-48cf-9b27-637a9891fd83">In Need of advice...</a>:
  [QUOTE]We have been having a lot of issues with our wedding party. On of our girl ushers is refusing to get fitted until it fits into her schedule. Everyone else in the wedding party for girls got fitted 2 weeks ago, and she doesn't want to follow my plan. Another issue with her is that she has been bad mouthing me behind my back about untrue things to a groomsmen and a bridesmaid. She still has not confronted me about anything she is upset with me about. I'm really not sure what to do. She's young and a little immature. She is also holding a little grudge against me because my fiance and I had only been dating a year before we got engaged... she has been dating her bf for 2 1/2 years and is still not engaged. Her boyfriend and my fiances really good friend from like first grade... I'm really unsure what to do.... Do I keep her? Or kick her out?? This is the 2nd time in a few months she has completely stressed me out and/or tried to get other people in our wedding party against me. How do I go about keeping her in the wedding? Or kciking her out? politely...
  Posted by mhrubes21[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Why the hell does anyone need to be fitted for a wedding that's nine months away? What if someone gets pregnant between now and then? And how old are you people? I dated H over 5 years before he proposed, incidentally.</div><div>
  </div><div>Kicking someone out of a wedding is a friendship-ending move. Frankly, you should only just now be choosing your wedding party, not making them get fitted and whatever other demands you might be giving them. There is literally nothing they have to do for your wedding this far out.</div>

  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I wonder if she talksshit about you because you're going bridezilla on her over something that she has plenty of time to do?
  
  This time of year is hectic as hell for me.  Between several family birthdays and the holidays and being out of vacation time, I have very little free time.  I'd be annoyed with someone who was all over me about getting fitted for her wedding that was 8-9 months in the future. 
  
  If she gets it done in January (or Feb or March...Hell, April)...It will still be plenty of time before your August wedding.
  
  So back the eff off.

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• 6fsn member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  How do you get someone to do something they don't have time for?  She's busy and your wedding is 9 months away.  Back off.

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• renegade gaucho member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Stop being so bossy.

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• DarlinPenguin member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm just going to say what the PP's said, but more politely.

  
  

  You have plenty of time, and while your life (as is every brides) is revolving around your wedding right now, hers is not.  If the supplier is saying she needs to be fitted now and she's refusing...that would be an issue, but if she doesn't want her dress to fit right, that's ultimately her problem, not yours. Order it a size bigger than her street size (since formals run small), and if it doesn't fit, then she's the one that looks sloppy. 

  
  

   I understand that there is a need to micromanage to make sure that everyone is fitted and whatnot, but with a female usher...honestly, it doesn't matter. She could wear a dress off the rack and no one would really know the difference. All eyes will be on you, remember?

  
  

  Her talking shatt is a different ball game. If you don't want her in your wedding anymore, and if her being there is causing strife for you, I'm going to go against the proper "ettiquite" and say that its your right to ask her to step down, or at least ask her what the hell her problem is, however tactfully you can manage.

  
  

  If it were me, I would take the friend out to lunch or something (don't have the conversation over the phone or text, it needs to be face to face) I'd have a good lunch, and then toward the end say "I asked you to come with me because there's been some things that I've been concerned about. I'm worried that you really don't want to be part of the wedding, because you don't seem to be showing initiative with coming to fittings, and I have heard that you have said A, B, and C. I need to know why you said these things, and if you have a problem, I need you to talk about it with me, so there's no tension between us. We want people in our wedding that love and support us, so if this is a bigger issue that you have with me as a person, then I need to know so that I can find someone that supports me, to take your place."

  
  

  At that point, its up to her. She can either be a big girl and tell you what is wrong, or she can pitch a fit and step down. Her choice. For all you know, she could be having some deep personal crisis right now, or might not be able to afford the dress until the next time she gets paid. It might not be that she is being lazy. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and time to explain. 

  
  

   Try to work with her and find a time that works for HER to get fitted, and try not to stress so much. Be a good friend first, and a bride second! 

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-of-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c16a49e6-8afb-4fa5-9d7d-d609b5198458Post:ddaca439-0739-477f-a5d1-20a29f71b7ec">Re: In Need of advice...</a>:
  [QUOTE]I'm just going to say what the PP's said, but more politely. You have plenty of time, and<strong> while your life (as is every brides) is revolving around your wedding right now,</strong> hers is not.  If the supplier is saying she needs to be fitted now and she's refusing...that would be an issue, but if she doesn't want her dress to fit right, that's ultimately her problem, not yours. Order it a size bigger than her street size (since formals run small), and if it doesn't fit, then she's the one that looks sloppy. <strong>  I understand that there is a need to micromanage to make sure that everyone is fitted and whatnot,</strong> but with a female usher...honestly, it doesn't matter. She could wear a dress off the rack and no one would really know the difference. All eyes will be on you, remember? Her talking shatt is a different ball game. If you don't want her in your wedding anymore, and if her being there is causing strife for you, I'm going to go against the proper "ettiquite" and say that its your right to ask her to step down, or at least ask her what the hell her problem is, however tactfully you can manage. If it were me, I would take the friend out to lunch or something (don't have the conversation over the phone or text, it needs to be face to face) I'd have a good lunch, and then toward the end say "I asked you to come with me because there's been some things that I've been concerned about. I'm worried that you really don't want to be part of the wedding, because you don't seem to be showing initiative with coming to fittings, and I have heard that you have said A, B, and C. I need to know why you said these things, and if you have a problem, I need you to talk about it with me, so there's no tension between us. We want people in our wedding that love and support us, so if this is a bigger issue that you have with me as a person, then I need to know so that I can find someone that supports me, to take your place." At that point, its up to her. She can either be a big girl and tell you what is wrong, or she can pitch a fit and step down. Her choice. For all you know, she could be having some deep personal crisis right now, or might not be able to afford the dress until the next time she gets paid. It might not be that she is being lazy. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and time to explain.   Try to work with her and find a time that works for HER to get fitted, and try not to stress so much. Be a good friend first, and a bride second! 
  Posted by DarlinPenguin[/QUOTE]
  
  I find both of the bolded statements completely offensive - yes, I'm a bride, but my life definitely does NOT revolve around planning a party that's happening nine months from now.  That's completely ridiculous, and I particularly take issue with the fact that this level of obsession with <em>a party </em>is somehow "normal" or common to "all brides." 
  
  As to the second bolded statement, there really is never a need to "micromanage" grown adults.  Make reasonable requests of people, and they'll generally do what you ask them to.  If someone isn't doing what you ask them to, you should probably re-examine the "reasonableness" of your request.
  
  ETA: Removed a paragraph for snippiness.  I re-read after posting, and it felt too mean.

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• DarlinPenguin member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Hmm. I was SURE that I had posted that she should give the usher time to do it on her own, and to give her a chance to explain her issues. 

  
  

  Oh, what do you know, there it is!!!

  
  For all you know, she could be having some deep personal crisis right now, or might not be able to afford the dress until the next time she gets paid. It might not be that she is being lazy. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and time to explain.   Try to work with her and find a time that works for HER to get fitted, and try not to stress so much. Be a good friend first, and a bride second! Posted by DarlinPenguin[/QUOTE]
  
  

  
  

  I'm also pretty sure that my advice about "threatening to kick her out" was due to her talking crap and spreading lies about the OP, and to give her the choice...but let me check. 

  "I have heard that you have said A, B, and C. I need to know why you said these things, and if you have a problem, I need you to talk about it with me, so there's no tension between us. We want people in our wedding that love and support us, so if this is a bigger issue that you have with me as a person, then I need to know so that I can find someone that supports me, to take your place." At that point, its up to her. She can either be a big girl and tell you what is wrong, or she can pitch a fit and step down. Her choice. 

  
  

  Goodness, isn't it amazing what we learn when we read the entire paragraph? 

  
  

  She shouldn't be obligated to have someone standing up at her wedding, who is talking about her behind her back. That's ridiculous. In taking that responsibility, you are saying "I love these people. I support their union. They are friends, and I am here for them." Not "I'm here to look pretty". If that's what she's there for, she's there for the wrong reasons. A bride is not obligated to stand idly by while someone lies about her behind her back. 

  
  

  As far as the statements about brides offending you, I have no idea who you are, and I have no idea how obsessed you are about planning, if you're not, bravo. I wish I could take a page out of your book. But I CAN relate to someone who is stressing to have the perfect wedding. I've been the bridesmaid to 3 of them myself. It's a lot of pressure, and I get it, especially when dress vendors are telling you how soon the dress you want could be discontinued, or that prices could go up, etc. All I was saying is that I get it. 

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• DarlinPenguin member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Also, I agree with what you said about not needing to micromanage adults. 

  
  

  But the key word there is "Adults".

  
  

  OP says that this girl is young and immature. Sometimes you do have to micromanage teenagers to make sure things get done on time.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-of-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c16a49e6-8afb-4fa5-9d7d-d609b5198458Post:4cb9e98e-3eb9-4ce5-922b-b6ca9bb6b84e">Re: In Need of advice...</a>:
  [QUOTE]As far as the statements about brides offending you, I have no idea who you are, and I have no idea how obsessed you are about planning, <strong>if you're not, bravo. I wish I could take a page out of your book.</strong> But I CAN relate to someone who is stressing to have the perfect wedding. I've been the bridesmaid to 3 of them myself. It's a lot of pressure, and I get it, especially when dress vendors are telling you how soon the dress you want could be discontinued, or that prices could go up, etc. All I was saying is that I get it. 
  Posted by DarlinPenguin[/QUOTE]
  
  Honestly, it's not that hard.  Pick a vendor, sign a contract with them, trust them to do their job, since, you know, it's their job.  Repeat as necessary for as many vendors as you need.  As for the wedding party, pick a dress/tux.  Tell people the deadline for ordering a dress/tux.  Trust them to order it.  If they order late and need to pay a rush fee, or the price goes up, that falls into the "not my problem because I gave them the deadline and they ignored it" category.  If they don't order the dress/tux, they've chosen not to be a part of my wedding party.  Done.  I don't understand what there is to flip out about and obsess about constantly for months and months on end. 
  
  And seriously?  The perfect wedding is the one where you're married to the man (or woman) you want to be married to when it's over.  Everything else is fluffy details - fluffy details are pretty, and fun, and I'm planning a few myself, but really, there's absolutely nothing that could go wrong for me as long as my FI and I are married and together at the end of the wedding.  So I guess that's why I'm able to relax, because there's no single detail - other than FI's presence - that will make or break my wedding for me.

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-of-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c16a49e6-8afb-4fa5-9d7d-d609b5198458Post:a80764f5-c60c-4128-9a5e-494a60478c6f">Re: In Need of advice...</a>:
  [QUOTE]Also, I agree with what you said about not needing to micromanage adults.  But the key word there is "Adults". OP says that this girl is young and immature. Sometimes you do have to micromanage teenagers to make sure things get done on time.  
  Posted by DarlinPenguin[/QUOTE]
  
  And I think it's safe to say that the the OP isn't talking about a teenager - the OP specifically said this girl is jealous of her because this girl has been dating her boyfriend longer than OP has been dating FI and isn't engaged yet.  I took this to mean that the usher is a young adult (early 20s), which, to me, is an adult.  I don't think you do someone in their early 20s any favors by cutting them slack and treating them like children, but that's just me.

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