I'm doing it wrong...again

bridalmarch · January 2013

I'm not a detail person. I get overwhelmed by them and I like to look at the big picture. Unfortunately, wedding planning is ALL.ABOUT.DETAILS. Especially two months out. So, a few questions about the processional:

We have a daughter. She will be 20 months when we get married. She is full of spirit, sass, and wiggles. The only part we really wanted her to play in the wedding was walking FI down the aisle, and then she will sit with FI's parents for the ceremony. That's also about all we think she'll handle appropriately. There are no other children in the wedding party

We have an uneven party (horrors!) so one BM will walk with two GM

We're getting married in a Catholic ceremony

This is the order we wanted:

Priests

FI and daughter

BM and GM x6

MOH and BM

Me and my parents

Now Google tells me I'm doing it wrong, and that the priests, FI, and the BM should already be on the alter.

Does that mean my MOH has to walk alone? I really don't think she'd like that - she's a bit shy. She's our daughter's godmother and the BM is godfather so they already know and like each other and I think she'd prefer to walk with him.

Who will walk DD down if FI is already up there? I know this isn't a common issue in Catholic weddings, but it was something FI was looking forward to. He thinks he can walk him and someday he'll walk her.

FI has two (widowed) grandmothers, I have two (widowed) grandfathers, although one is remarried. Do our grandparents process? Does someone need to escort them? The grandmothers are both in pretty good health, but both my grandfathers and my grandfathers wife may need some help. Who would do that? Do they need to be listed in the program? Do they need to come to the rehearsal?

I'm so frazzled. I'm facepalming myself and suggesting elopement.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

There really is no correct way to process into a wedding. You should do whatever seems good to you. The way you have it sounds good to me and the exact way a wedding I was in did it so I think your fine. As far as your grandmothers go, they can either be part of the processional or already at their seats before the procession begins. I will say since your grandfathers may need some help down the aisle the I would just have them all already in their seats before the processional starts.

Simply Fated · January 2013

Ignore what you read on google. There is no right or wrong way to do the procession. For example... I was a MOH and I'm super shy. I was dreading walking down alone, which was the Bride's original plan for me. During the rehearsal it was decided I'd walk with the ring bearer and the flower girl. I was thrilled to have companions with me. "FI has two widowed grandmothers, I have two widowed grandfathers, although one is remarried. Do our grandparents process?" If you want them to, sure! "Does someone need to escort them?" No one NEEDS to escort them, but they might appreciate it. "The grandmothers are both in pretty good health, but both my grandfathers and my grandfathers wife may need some help. Who would do that?" You know what? Ask them if they want to process and if they would like "escorts" a better word to use than "help" lol. If they would like escorts, maybe you and your fianc have siblings or cousins or aunts or uncles that could help? Ask the grandparents for suggestions. One of my friend's had her parents escort her grandmother, one patent on each side. It was so sweet! "Do they need to be listed in the program?" Who, the grandparents? Sure. The escorts? I think it might be a nice touch. "Do they need to come to the rehearsal?" The escorts? The grandparents? Not if they're not up to it. I would definitely invite them though.

CourtAA · January 2013

I don't think there is a "correct" way to have a wedding.

I personally think the idea of your daughter walk your FI down the aisle is adorable!

bridalmarch · January 2013

Sorry, I meant the escorts for both of those last questions. Grandparents are definitely going in the program and are invited to rehearsal.

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

In our Catholic wedding, my H and GMs came out of the side in the front, but the priest processed up the aisle before the WP. This made the most sense to us because my H didn't want to walk up the aisle, and we had 4/2 BM/GM. The grandmothers and mothers were escorted to their seats by my teenaged cousins before the priest and the rest of the WP, but the FOG & grandfathers were already seated.

Anyway, as long as the priest is ok with your processional, it doesn't matter. I can't think of any reason the groom and GM can't walk up the aisle in a catholic wedding. It doesn't matter if it's traditional or not, it only matters that you and your groom like it. I think having your daughter walk her father up is a great idea.

Simply Fated · January 2013

In Response to Re:I'm doing it wrong...again:[QUOTE]Sorry, I meant the escorts for both of those last questions. Grandparents are definitely going in the program and are invited to rehearsal.nbsp; Posted by bridalmarch[/QUOTE]
Thank you for clarifying!

I'd invite them. I mean, if they're part of the processional, then they should be invited to the rehearsal. Totally my opinion, though.
I'd also mention them in the programs, too.

Simply Fated · January 2013

Out of curiosity, why would the church or any venue mind if the men walked down the aisle? OP, if the venue says the men can't walk down the aisle, perhaps your FI can walk out down the side with your daughter. He can hold her until your parents or whoever you said is there to hold her.

bridalmarch · January 2013

My DOC called me to ask if I wanted salads already plated or served. Details. BM wants to know if when I said silver shoes, I meant pewter, or glitter, or silver, or grey. Details. Ice cream vendor wants to know how we want the toppings bar laid out. Details. Trust me, I know what's important here, but you can't plan a wedding without getting a little bogged down by details...especially if you aren't really a details person. Wedding planning is about details..the wedding is about me and Mr. Bridal March.

ETA I know simple weddings are very possible, and I honestly thought we were having one. I'm just really overwhelmed and this type of thing isn't my forte. I'm very much regretting not hiring a wedding planner.

Simply Fated · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-doing-it-wrongagain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3881a12a-ccd8-43d2-bea7-dbe68d90bd86Post:a0a9bb37-25ff-4520-b5fa-3646b7cfd5ff">Re: I'm doing it wrong...again</a>:
[QUOTE]My DOC called me to ask if I wanted salads already plated or served. Details. BM wants to know if when I said silver shoes, I meant pewter, or glitter, or silver, or grey. Details. Ice cream vendor wants to know how we want the toppings bar laid out. Details. Trust me, I know what's important here, but you can't plan a wedding without getting a little bogged down by details...especially if you aren't really a details person. Wedding planning is about details..the wedding is about me and Mr. Bridal March. ETA I know simple weddings are very possible, and I honestly thought we were having one. I'm just really overwhelmed and this type of thing isn't my forte. I'm very much regretting not hiring a wedding planner.
Posted by bridalmarch[/QUOTE]
Answer what questions you can, and try to pass some of them off to your Fi.
It's okay to sometimes tell the person that you don't care and that you trust them to make a good decision. They're asking you because they want you to be satisfied, but if you'll be happy either way, tell them that. And good luck! :)

jennyd412 · January 2013

Sounds fine to me, My brother-in-law is going to push y grandmother's wheelchair down the aisle. He will also do this when she is introduced at reception. He isn't in the wedding party, but is reading at the ceremony and escorting my grandmother. My sister, his wife is being escorted by their 7 year old son.

Simply Fated · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-doing-it-wrongagain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3881a12a-ccd8-43d2-bea7-dbe68d90bd86Post:83e04249-9086-411e-be5a-385871119955">Re:I'm doing it wrong...again</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I'm doing it wrong...again : A Catholic Church isn't just another venue that a couple rents out. The church where you are married is responsible for ensuring the marriage is a valid sacrament and that the liturgy is planned with proper respect and reverence.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]
Why would the groom or groomsmen walking down the aisle make the sacrament invalid? Or be considered disrespectful?

It's the internet, so I know inflection is lost... I'm not being snotty or judgey, I'm honestly curious. I'm Jewish and I wonder if it's the same way in some synagogues.

itzMS · January 2013

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-doing-it-wrongagain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3881a12a-ccd8-43d2-bea7-dbe68d90bd86Post:cb08c155-4082-4e74-bad4-97d8557702ef">Re:I'm doing it wrong...again</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I'm doing it wrong...again : Why would the groom or groomsmen walking down the aisle make the sacrament invalid? Or <strong>be considered disrespectful</strong>? It's the internet, so I know inflection is lost... I'm not being snotty or judgey, I'm honestly curious. I'm Jewish and I wonder if it's the same way in some synagogues.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Some priests believe these things (processonals or large wedding parties in general) are "fluff" that distract from the sanctity of the ceremony. Marriage is a Sacrament in the Catholic faith, so some modern traditions can be deemed disrespectful. Every Catholic priest, parish, and diocese is slightly different.

For example, DH and I wouldn't have been permitted by our priest to have a unity candle or participation of children during our Catholic ceremony even if we wanted them, but some Catholic couples elsewhere can have one or the other or both.

My priest wasn't even thrilled that I wore a long cathedral veil, because he was worried it would distract my attention. Seriously! </div>

daria24 · January 2013

I've been to dozens of Catholic weddings, and been a member of the WP in Catholic weddings, and the liturgist has never had an issue with men processing. Some weddings the GMs escorted the BMs down the aisle, sometimes all the men went first, and sometimes the men just stood at the front. It has always been up to the couple to decide what they wanted. OP, only your priest, deacon, or church coordinator can tell you what your parish allows or typically does.

bridalmarch · January 2013

The catch is that both of our priests are longstanding family friends of FI - our main officiant baptized him and baptized our daughter. He's pretty lenient, and since he's known FI his whole life, I expect he's more willing to work with us. Everything I've asked him (my dress has open shoulders, for instance) he's said it's fine with him as long as it's fine with the church. However, we aren't getting married at this priest's church, we're bringing him into the church affiliated with the school FI attended for K-8, which is where we're getting married.

So even if certain things are fine with our priest, they may not be okay with the parish. I'm not 100% sure who we go to at the Church for these questions. I planned on asking the music director who we should speak to when we meet with him next month.

Man, that was a ramble. That'll teach me to get to 2:00 without coffee.

itzMS · January 2013

OP, every parish has an office of some sort. Give a call to the secretary there. You'll need to respect the wishes of the host parish. It seems weird to me that 2 months out, you haven't been in touch with someone.

You haven't had to do any pre-cana with the host parish?

We had to have all of these requirements underway before we could even set a date.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-doing-it-wrongagain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3881a12a-ccd8-43d2-bea7-dbe68d90bd86Post:b5258a16-fe31-47bf-aec3-5e3c70d45359">Re: I'm doing it wrong...again</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, every parish has an office of some sort. Give a call to the secretary there. You'll need to respect the wishes of the host parish. It seems weird to me that 2 months out, you haven't been in touch with someone. You haven't had to do any pre-cana with the host parish? We had to have all of these requirements underway before we could even set a date.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

This.

Since you are bringing in a priest to a church that isn't his then you need to contact your host church. They will have someone available who will be able to help you figure all of this out.

OP, since you are also from B-More, can I ask which church/area you are getting married in and also what venue you are using for your reception? Just out of curiosity.

bridalmarch · January 2013

We did our counseling with our priest at his church and he wrote a letter to the church we're being married in saying we'd completed it.

I've only been in touch with the secretary to reserve our date and time and rehearsal and let her know we were bringing in our priest. She sent me a booklet of guidelines. The only other person I've spoken with is the music director to set up a meeting. All of our talk about the wedding has been with our priest.

bridalmarch · January 2013

Will PM you, Maggie.

bridalmarch · January 2013

The guidelines seemed pretty common sense to me - no drinking before the ceremony, a few paragraphs on how to do photos and video appropriately, a page on the sanctity of the rite and the importance of marriage, and then a few rules about what we could and couldn't decorate the church with, if we could throw anything when we leave (no) how long the aisle was, how many it holds, etc. The secretary didn't give me a name. Our priest is overseeing the rehearsal. I guess another phone call is in order! More details

Maybe I'll have FI call. He literally grew up in this parish. He might know who to go to.

mcda04 · January 2013

I never paid ANY attention to the order to the processional. I never spoke with a coordinator either. I spoke with the secretaries about turning in the final requirements and setting up the meetings with the Priest but the coordinator I never met before the wedding.

The day of the wedding, he lined everybody up outside the front of the Church in the appropriate order,
H, our son, and his parents were already at the alter but I believe they did walk down the aisle.
my mom by herself (my dad is in a wheelchair and was already at the alter from a side door)
My daughter escorted by her Godmother
Church Sponsors (Lazo, Arras, Bible / Rosary, Flowers to Mary,)
Groomsmen
Bridesmaids
Me escorted by my brother.

Kate61487 · January 2013

Every Catholic wedding I've ever been to the priest is absolutely part of the processional; just like during mass the priest walks up the aisle with the servers, so I'm assuming whatever site you were on was just starting their advice after that part?

H walked down the aisle in our Catholic wedding with his mother. Our grandparents were also part of the processional, gram & grandpa walked together, my other grandma was escorted by an usher - if there had been concern about them getting down the aisle I think I would have just had them already in their seats.

For the order I *think* (and H doesn't remember for sure either) that it was grandparents, priest, H and MIL, my mom and brother, then the moms did the unity candle thing, then the BP. I'd assume your church, like mine, will have a coordinator who will tell you what order everything should go in. I can't imagine they'll have an issue with your FI walking down the aisle, and the BM doesn't have to be down at the front at the same time as your FI (though it's not uncommon) - our BM walked with my MOH

ETA - unless it's super important to you to know this ahead of time I'd just figure it out at the rehearsal. SOMEONE from the host parish will be there at the rehearsal to let everyone in and make sure everyone's aware of the rules (no throwing things, etc.). The program doesn't need to reflect that much detail - parents/grandparents can be listed in their own seciton, BMs and GM can be listed in the order they'll stand regardless of whether they'll process or not, etc. I'm sure the music director can give you the name of the coordinator so you could find out ahead of time, but it's probably unnecessary.

I'm doing it wrong...again

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