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The Bestman...

kls87kls87
First Comment
in Chit Chat
Im new, to the boreds but I need some advise.

My FI's asked his Best friend to be his best man, Months ago. Rescntealy he has told us he does not know if hell beable to even make it to the wedding, as he is in school to be a cop and he graduats around the time of the wedding and will be starting his new job.
He says hes going to everything he can to be ther but it has me a little worried, I dont want to cut him from the wedding.. but I don't know what to do.

 Any Suggestions?
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Re: The Bestman...

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Don't cut him from the wedding. If he can't make it then list him in the program as the honorary best man.


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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Why would you need to cut him from the wedding?  If he can't make it, he can't make it.  And some other GM holds the rings.  Because that's about the only thing that a best man has to do in the ceremony anyway.  And that can be decided at the rehearsal the night before the wedding.

    Further, the BM is your FI's attendant, not yours.  So you shouldn't be kicking anyone out.  It's completely your FI's call, and as I said above, there's not reason to kick him out.

    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • kls87kls87
    First Comment
    actually Im in charge of everything in the wedding, he dosent want to be botherd with any of the planning and what not,  so everything has been left up to me. its kinda stressfull.

    However I like the idea of making him an honorary best man.   My mom said to make his dad the best man if his friend can't  I think its cuteSmile
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  • M&R7111M&R7111
    500 Comments
    My FI has a similar situation:

    His best man most likely (99% sure) will be deployed in Afghanistan for our wedding.  But, as of now, he is BM to my FI and he always will be even if he is deployed over seas. 


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  • vegasgroomvegasgroom mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I wouldn't replace my best man if something happened that caused him to not be able to make it, he's the best man for specific reasons that have nothing to do with being present at my wedding; it's not a game of dodge ball where you take the next best person when your pick doesn't make it.  If you're realy set on having evenly matched numbers of attendents on both sides or something like that and your FI wants his dad to be an additional groomsmen (i.e. not a new best man) just to meet that goal then that's fine if he and you are ok with it.

    Married in Vegas - June 2011


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  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    2500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1af1fdbe-4a64-492b-bfd3-3b354834b5f1Post:0d108819-c0e8-490e-8219-cad0fe3874f7">Re: The Bestman...</a>:
    [QUOTE]actually Im in charge of everything in the wedding, he dosent want to be botherd with any of the planning and what not,  so everything has been left up to me. its kinda stressfull. However I like the idea of making him an honorary best man.   My mom said to make his dad the best man if his friend can't  I think its cute
    Posted by kls87[/QUOTE]

    So.... you selected all of your FI's groomsmen?
    Married 10/2/10
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  • gottahavashortigottahavashorti member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    Don't cut him, and don't replace him if he's not able to make it.  If he's not able to make it, the other GM just move over by a couple feet and someone else holds the rings.  It's no biggie.  But removing a WP member is  a friendship ending move and replacing a WP member who has dropped out indicates to the former WP member that they are easily replaceable in their eyes and to the replacement WP member that they are second string.
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  • kls87kls87
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1af1fdbe-4a64-492b-bfd3-3b354834b5f1Post:7f4aeb2d-1769-439b-a13a-975784cc2ed5">Re: The Bestman...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Bestman... : So.... you selected all of your FI's groomsmen?
    Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]
      
    Well, Basickly I did.   It was either I walked him through reasons why who It should be and how it shouldent be, or it be the day of the wedding and him still not having ANY groomsmen;  The only thing he wants a say in is the music. Hes a man, its pretty much what I expected

    Hes the one that pushed for a big wedding, I wanted to go to a JOP and be done with it. Now im stuck doing all the work by myslfe I have little to no help from anyone excet for money.  My parrents are paying for the wedding per tredition

    The closer we get to the wedding the more stresssed I get  - Im to young for this mess />_<
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  • tamires90tamires90
    10 Comments
    Just because he's not there, it doesn't mean he's not your FI's best friend. Dont cut him off...

    If he can't make it then just ask another GM to hold the rings... 
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  • dittmerbullard2010dittmerbullard2010 member
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1af1fdbe-4a64-492b-bfd3-3b354834b5f1Post:cf055adc-8be2-4a6c-8478-6004efa8eba4">Re: The Bestman...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Bestman... :    Well, Basickly I did.   It was either I walked him through reasons why who It should be and how it shouldent be, or it be the day of the wedding and him still not having ANY groomsmen;  The only thing he wants a say in is the music. Hes a man, its pretty much what I expected Hes the one that pushed for a big wedding, I wanted to go to a JOP and be done with it. Now im stuck doing all the work by myslfe I have little to no help from anyone excet for money.  My parrents are paying for the wedding per tredition The closer we get to the wedding the more stresssed I get  - Im to young for this mess />_<
    Posted by kls87[/QUOTE]

    I don't even know where to start with this. First, if your FH wants a big party but won't help with a damn thing, then you need to tell him it's not going to happen. I was in similar shoes, with my FH. He wanted the big party. I wanted the courthouse. We compromised, but he has to help with the planning. He has been awesome with it.

    Second, the comment, "He's a man, it's pretty much what I expected" is childish and offensive. Not all men are this way. In fact, I'd wager a bet that most FH of the women on this board are not this way. After all, it's his wedding too. He might not be as excited about every little detail as you are, but he should want to have some say.

    Idk, I'm just really bothered by this post.
    Amanda and Eric Gettin' married 10/10/10
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  • Belle2BeBelle2Be member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1af1fdbe-4a64-492b-bfd3-3b354834b5f1Post:cf055adc-8be2-4a6c-8478-6004efa8eba4">Re: The Bestman...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Bestman... :    Well, Basickly I did.   It was either <strong>I walked him through reasons why who It should be and how it shouldent be,</strong> or it be the day of the wedding and him still not having ANY groomsmen;  The only thing he wants a say in is the music. <strong>Hes a man, its pretty much what I expected</strong> Hes the one that pushed for a big wedding, I wanted to go to a JOP and be done with it. Now im stuck doing all the work by myslfe I have little to no help from anyone excet for money.  My <strong>parrents are paying for the wedding per tredition</strong> The closer we get to the wedding the more stresssed I get  - <strong>Im to young for this mess</strong> />_<
    Posted by kls87[/QUOTE]

    WOW. This has GOT to be MUD!
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I have two questions that are really going to help me with advice here:  How old ARE you?  And is English your first language?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • awick14awick14 member
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1af1fdbe-4a64-492b-bfd3-3b354834b5f1Post:cf055adc-8be2-4a6c-8478-6004efa8eba4">Re: The Bestman...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Bestman... :    Well, Basickly I did.

    <strong>You should never decide yourself who is on the grooms side that is very rude. And if it is any indication on how your marriage is going to go I would walk away if I was him. I would never marry a man who wouldn't let me choose which friends could stand by me on our big day!</strong>

      It was either I walked him through reasons why who It should be and how it shouldent be, or it be the day of the wedding and him still not having ANY groomsmen;  The only thing he wants a say in is the music. Hes a man, its pretty much what I expected

    <strong>My fiance has a lot of say in what goes on in regards of wedding planning. He is very happy to and  he comes on here with me and looks at peoples DIY projects and says which ones he would like to attemp and so on. He has read this post and doesn't agree with what you have said at all. He was very offended by this.</strong>

     Hes the one that pushed for a big wedding, I wanted to go to a JOP and be done with it. Now im stuck doing all the work by myslfe I have little to no help from anyone excet for money.  My parrents are paying for the wedding per tredition The closer we get to the wedding the more stresssed I get  - Im to young for this mess />_<

    <strong>If this is all too stressful for you and you are saying that you are to young for this, maybe she shouldn't get married. You need to talk to him and figure out what you want to do, as this could end up ruining your whole relationship. I have one friend that ended the relationship over wedding planning as she was to stressed and he didn't care. Don't let this happen to you!</strong>

    Posted by kls87[/QUOTE]
    The most beautiful things in the world are not seen nor touched. They are felt with the heart. -- Helen Keller Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    2500 Comments
    edited August 2010
    Don't replace him. What if you go through the trouble of kicking him out (Which is something you shouldn't do anyway for a number of reasons) and then it turns out he can make it? Now you and your FI look like jerks for no reason.

    If he can't make it, have his dad or another GM step in to hold the rings, it's that simple. You or your FI should be holding the rings until that day anyway, so just right before the ceremony, they can get handed to whoever will be in charge.

    About 3 days before the wedding, something came up and we really weren't sure if the Best Man was going to show until he actually showed up that day. DH had the rings with him, and if the ceremony was about to start with no Best Man in sight, they were getting handed to either my brother or his other friend. Potential "crisis" averted.


    And finally, if your FI wants a big party, and you don't, then he has to help plan it. Tons of women here had input from the FI/DH during the planning process, so no, it's not a "man thing" that he's not helping. Learn to communicate better (Something that you need to learn how to do anyway in order to have a successful marriage), and then tell him that you're done planning unassisted, so he can either JOP or get off his butt and help you.

    Regardless, nobody is holding a gun to your head and making you plan this shindig. If you don't want to deal with planning the wedding, just don't.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
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  • nikiandchrisnikiandchris
    10 Comments
    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1af1fdbe-4a64-492b-bfd3-3b354834b5f1Post:41d956ca-f6e1-436f-8ac4-1f413581e676">Re: The Bestman...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have two questions that are really going to help me with advice here:  <strong>How old ARE you?</strong>  And is English your first language?
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

    Ditto. Seriously? There is a spell check option on here.

    Also: if he's not willing to help you with ANYTHING for this wedding, what else in life will he refuse to help with? When you have kids is he going to refuse to change diapers or drive them to school or sports practice? Are you going to be doing all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and yardwork at your house? He sounds like he's too busy being full of himself to be bothered with thinking about anything else.

    Getting married isn't about the party, it's about the marriage and joining your lives together as one. It's give AND take. Sounds like he's not one for giving.

    I think you've got more serious issues than a Best Man not being able to come into town.
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1af1fdbe-4a64-492b-bfd3-3b354834b5f1Post:41d956ca-f6e1-436f-8ac4-1f413581e676">Re: The Bestman...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have two questions that are really going to help me with advice here:  How old ARE you?  And is English your first language?
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

    Trix, I think I love you.  My thoughts exactly.
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  • vegasgroomvegasgroom mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1af1fdbe-4a64-492b-bfd3-3b354834b5f1Post:cf055adc-8be2-4a6c-8478-6004efa8eba4">Re: The Bestman...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Bestman... :    Well, Basickly I did.   It was either I walked him through reasons why who It should be and how it shouldent be, or it be the day of the wedding and him still not having ANY groomsmen;  The only thing he wants a say in is the music. Hes a man, its pretty much what I expected
    Posted by kls87[/QUOTE]

    Sounds like you've been spending time around the wrong kind of men.

    Married in Vegas - June 2011


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