My Daughter's Wedding

kaybrog · March 2012

My daughter is getting married on New Years Eve of this year at a winery. The cost of alcohol is over the roof. What is your opinion of when we reached our limit to go to cash bar?? Is that tacky?? A beer is 5 bucks !!! Help !!!

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

Cash bars are rude. If you can't afford the full bar, go with a limited bar. Just wine is fine in a winery, or beer and wine if you want multiple options. If the money just isn't there for the booze, go dry, but this probably won't go over well on NYE.

Check with the venue about a per capita bar as well. Instead of paying for each beer, you may find that it's much more affordable and better for planning to pay $X per person for unlimited drinks for the night.

kaybrog · March 2012

Okay - my total budget on her wedding is going to be used up on just the venue!! I thought a cash bar would be rude but I am already taking money for my retirement to pay for this wedding!! Look at it from my point of view !!! I don't want to have to sell my house for just one night !!!

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:d1325d33-6c3e-4433-9450-c8820a44253b">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] Okay - my total budget on her wedding is going to be used up on just the venue!! I thought a cash bar would be rude but I am already taking money for my retirement to pay for this wedding!! Look at it from my point of view !!! I don't want to have to sell my house for just one night !!!
Posted by kaybrog[/QUOTE]

<div>Don't take money away from retirement to pay for a party! You are not required to pay for her wedding at all, and you certainly shouldn't spend more than you can afford for the wedding of her dreams. </div><div>
</div><div>Sit down and look at your finances, and figure out what you can comfortably afford without impacting your ability to support yourself in retirement. Use that number as a budget, and go from there. It may mean you can't afford the winery, or it may mean you can't afford alcohol. Paying for the wedding is your daughter and her FI's responsibility. If they want more than what you can offer, they should be footing the bill.</div><div>
</div><div>I see you are in Atlanta, so I assume you are looking at the north Georgia wineries. They are expensive! There are tons of resorts in north Georgia that offer much more affordable wedding packages, but still offer those gorgeous mountain views. Perhaps you should consider looking at more budget friendly alternatives. </div>

banana468 · March 2012

I think ites great that you're wanting to help but I think you may be going about this all backwards. Figure out a budget and guest list. THAT tells you about venue options. And on NYE, you can't ask your guests to pay for anything. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your daughter and go back to the drawing board.

Rose March · March 2012

To answer your question, a cash bar is tacky. Have you spoken to your daughter and FI and told them what your budget is? You, them and anyone else financially contributing should sit down and figure out how much you have to spend and plan the wedding you can afford. Unfortunately this might mean a venue change or date/time change. I'm sure you love your daughter and want to give her her dream wedding but don't sacrifice your future for a party.

ChristineNB · March 2012

Lots of good advice in this thread. I agree with others that you and your daughter need to set a realistic budget that can be reached without taking out loans or going into retirement accounts. A vineyard sounds lovely, but if the venue is the whole budget then IMO it sounds excessive and I would start looking elsewhere for a venue. See if you can find a venue where you can bring your own alcohol, and then you would save a ton.

ceh789 · March 2012

There's lots of time to find a way to have a party that doesn't deplete your retirement. That is possibly even a worse idea than putting a wedding on a credit card. Please don't do it.

banana468 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:613b40d7-1d2d-4360-b6f5-fa618736f7cf">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Daughter's Wedding : Bars that normally let you in for free suddenly charge $20-50 cover on NYE. Most people expect/are prepared to spend a lot of money on NYE compared to most nights during the year. You may be under the belief that guests should never pay for drinks, but your NYE logic is completely flawed.
Posted by ncKPC[/QUOTE]

No cupcake. You missed the point entirely.

You should NEVER ask your guests to pay for anything. And if you opt to hold your wedding on a night that's a huge celebration, that point is doubled because you need to ensure that your guests are having a good time. If they need to pony up cash at all, they'll just go away.

With logic like that, you're saying that on a NYE wedding, etiquette goes out the window and you can charge cover?

Oh no honey. No.

Sue-n-Kevin · March 2012

Kaybrog: I am a recent bride, and mother to a son who is old enough to get married. I agree with everything everyone else has said.

As a parent I totally understand wanting to provide the "best" for your child. It's natural. But I would NEVER go into my retirement funds for my child's wedding. Ever. While it would be nice if they made a great living in the future and replenished the money I spent, I still wouldn't do it.

Weddings can be very expensive. I just planned one. But my husband and I planned the wedding we could afford, never expecting our parents to pitch in. I took what my mom offered, which was $1000 for venue rental. We paid for the rest ourselves.

If your daughter is unaware of the sacrifices you are making, you need to enlighten her. Most kids don't want to know that their parents are over-spending on them, but if she knew the extent you were levering your future, I'd hope she'd be gob-smacked and tell you to STOP, just as we have. It's the mature thing to do.

It sounds as though you have engaged a very expensive venue to host a wedding for them. It sounds as though you cannot bring in your own alcohol to keep costs down. You must figure out between the contract you signed and the number of guests what is the easiest way to get what you can afford.......lose your deposit and find another place, or cut your guest list down to a number where you can afford to host perhaps just a beer & wine bar. We had beer, wine, and a signature drink (lemonade with lemon vodka) at our wedding in August. No one complained. They loved the selection we had. I agree with everyone else, it is poor etiquette to ask guests to pay anything. I know it is common in some parts of the country, but that does not make it right.

Brides don't always get the wedding they want and have to scrimp and save on everything. This board is full of such brides. Your daughter hopefully has not knowingly allowed you to leverage your financial future for her wedding. You need to talk to her and fess up to what is going on and figure out with her and her fiance, how to have a wedding you can ALL afford.

Good luck.

Starfish0116 · March 2012

It's pretty commonly known that if hosting a NYE wedding, it better be one heck of a party. NYE is essentially the biggest party night of the year. To expect people to skip their NYE traditions with friends/family to attend a wedding, and not provide the same experience, is considered rude. Guests who attend will most definitely be expecting dinner and an open bar, with a party going well into the night.

In no way do I think you are responsible for your daughters wedding. I also think you should only host what you can afford. If your DD is set on a NYE wedding I think she needs to consider a different venue that will allow her to free up some money. If she's set on that venue, I'd suggest pick another date/time where a wine only bar will be acceptable.

I think you need to have a serious chat with your DD about how much money you are prepared to contribute. She either needs to get on board, and make adjustments, or save up the money herself.

levanlaere · March 2012

I would NEVER ask my mother to pay for a part of my wedding. Especially knowing if she can not afford it. I was invited to a NYE party for my cousin, her family is very against drinking so they had a coffee bar instead. It was cute and I think a great idea. I do believe many guests did leave early to go get their party on else where.

With that being said, I think it would be odd to go to a winery and have a dry wedding. As a guest, I would be slightly disappointed. If the venue is over your entire budget for the wedding I would either change the venue if possible or ask that your daughter be responsible for paying for the rest of her wedding.

Good Luck and do not end up bankrupt!

RebeccaB88 · March 2012

Ditto PPs. You are not required to pay for any of your daughter's wedding. In fact, if she was acting like a spoiled, entitled brat about it, I'd be tempted to tell her that she was on her own for whatever she wanted, no contribution from me.

But, I understand you want to help provide her with a nice wedding. That's certainly your prerogative, but, you have to know that if you're paying, then you're the one in control of the finances. You can give her an absolute budget, and she can either plan within that budget or pay for anything over that herself (meaning, as a couple). She doesn't get to whine or bully you into going over that budget. If she's adult enough to get married, she's adult enough to respect you and your wishes, and adult enough to pay for her own wedding.

No one can provide the kind of attitude adjustment a mother can. Sounds like you need to step up and have a frank discussion with your daughter. Lay out what you're willing to contribute, and figure out how to work with that number. Hopefully, she will see things for what they are and straighten herself up. If not, then I think you're justified in declining to contribute anything at all.

NYE is THE most expensive night of the entire year to have a wedding. Everything is expected to be balls-to-the-wall excessive and high-end. She can keep that date, but scale back the guest list to what you can afford, or change the date. Friday nights or Saturday brunches are less expensive, and can be just as elegant. Maybe the winery isn't the right venue for the budget. But again, if what she wants is over your budget, then she can scale back, do without, or pay herself. All valid options.

ncKPC · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:82dd61f5-e5d9-45fb-8b65-a8cbce607d7c">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Daughter's Wedding : No cupcake. You missed the point entirely. You should NEVER ask your guests to pay for anything. And if you opt to hold your wedding on a night that's a huge celebration, that point is doubled because you need to ensure that your guests are having a good time. <strong>If they need to pony up cash at all, they'll just go away.</strong> With logic like that, you're saying that on a NYE wedding, etiquette goes out the window and you can charge cover? Oh no honey. No.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><div>Yes jelly doughnut. You seem quite obtuse on this topic. Are you actually suggesting that guests who attend your wedding for FREE on NYE and have to pay $5 for a drink will get frustrated and retreat to the bar next door and pay $20 cover AND pay $7 for a drink? </div></div>

banana468 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:699dc153-a137-482f-863f-e5403151184e">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Daughter's Wedding : The point is that the wedding reception is a thank you to the guests, and they should not have to open their wallets for anything. They have already spent money on travel (even if it's just driving), lodgings, maybe new clothes, probably a wedding gift for the couple, etc. If they choose to decline to attend the wedding and go out on NYE, then what they do and how they spend their money is their perogative.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

This.

When you're hosting an event, there should be no part that guests pay for. Period.

There is no time that you can say, "Well it would be a pricey night to drink tonight so we can have a cash bar in this instance." Never in my life have I paid a cover charge for NYE. If I was ever going to go to an event that asked me to pony up the cash, I'd find a different way to ring in the new year.

EricksonBride · March 2012

My brother got married this past NYE. They had wine and beer and then a cash bar for people that wanted liquor.I thought it was great and defintiely helped them save money. I didn't think it was rude at all since everyone had the option of beer and wine if they didn't want to open their wallets. Everyone had a great time! Good luck! Wedding planning can be stressful for everyone involved!

AurorasEnvy · March 2012

A lot of good advice from PPs - definitely don't take from your retirement funds to pay for a wedding!

This is what my parents did - they looked at their finances, and came up with a number that they were comfortable putting towards the wedding. They told FI and I that we could do whatever we wanted with it - elope to Vegas and keep the extra, but that if we threw a big, lavish wedding that we'd be responsible for anything above & beyond their set amount. Totally reasonable way IMO - that way you wouldn't be paying more than you are comfortable with, and that your daughters knows right from the get-go if she wants a lavish wedding that you cannot afford to throw her, she's going to have to pitch in herself.

Remember, budget first - then start planning. It's horrible to read all posts from brides who are halfway through their wedding planning, did not budget well, and then realize they cannot afford the wedding they have planned and already partially paid for.

em01092 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:a196e46e-76ed-457b-9728-824047d41888">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]My brother got married this past NYE. They had wine and beer and then a cash bar for people that wanted liquor.I thought it was great and defintiely helped them save money. I didn't think it was rude at all since everyone had the option of beer and wine if they didn't want to open their wallets. Everyone had a great time! Good luck! Wedding planning can be stressful for everyone involved!
Posted by EricksonBride[/QUOTE]

<div>So this is like offering chicken and beef for free but guests can pay for lobster if they want to and can afford it. =/</div><div>
</div><div>I HATE beer and wine, as does my FI, so naturally this option would not work for me. I mean, I guess I would appreciate the fact that I <em>could</em> order the liquor if I wanted to, but it just sucks when couples do this because other people who like beer and wine get to drink, but either we can't or we have to pay for it. I appreciate it when a couple offers a rum punch or something else as a siggy cocktail. Now if we were the only ones who don't like beer or wine, whatever, but if a lot of guests were like us (like a lot of our friends are), then that's crappy hosting IMO. </div>

EricksonBride · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:432f51bd-bce2-4999-849f-fba839299516">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Daughter's Wedding : So this is like offering chicken and beef for free but guests can pay for lobster if they want to and can afford it. =/ I HATE beer and wine, as does my FI, so naturally this option would not work for me. I mean, I guess I would appreciate the fact that I could order the liquor if I wanted to, but it just sucks when couples do this because other people who like beer and wine get to drink, but either we can't or we have to pay for it. I appreciate it when a couple offers a rum punch or something else as a siggy cocktail. Now if we were the only ones who don't like beer or wine, whatever, but if a lot of guests were like us (like a lot of our friends are), then that's crappy hosting IMO.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

Yeah, then you and your friends probably shouldn't go to a wedding like that if you feel so strongly about it. I think guests should stop being so criticial of what a loved one does or does not do at their wedding and just be happy for the couple and be there for them on their day.

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:2f0906ef-d159-4f0d-b2aa-fe19fa1bfcfb">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Daughter's Wedding : Yeah, then you and your friends probably shouldn't go to a wedding like that if you feel so strongly about it. I think guests should stop being so criticial of what a loved one does or does not do at their wedding and just be happy for the couple and be there for them on their day.
Posted by EricksonBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Right, because everyone should be so honored to be invited that they shouldn't care if the couple is rude to them. :eyeroll: </div><div>
</div><div>If the couple can't be bothered to host their guests, they shouldn't be inviting them. </div>

em01092 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:2f0906ef-d159-4f0d-b2aa-fe19fa1bfcfb">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Daughter's Wedding : Yeah, then you and your friends probably shouldn't go to a wedding like that if you feel so strongly about it. I think guests should stop being so criticial of what a loved one does or does not do at their wedding and just be happy for the couple and be there for them on their day.
Posted by EricksonBride[/QUOTE]

<div>The reception is a thank you for the <em>guests,</em> so their needs, likes, and comforts should be considered. So if most of your guests don't like beer and wine and that's all you host, then that's crappy hosting IMO. Like I said, I wouldn't hold it against the B&G though if we're the only ones there who don't like beer and wine. We'd get over it. </div><div>
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alithebride · March 2012

you're doing a NYE at a WINERY. NO CASH BAR!!! and don't ditch your retirement for this-tell your dear daughter to put some cash in too-and her FI!

Belle0000 · March 2012

I will never ever understand why people don't figure out a budget for alcohol and factor that in BEFORE picking/signing a contract with a venue. Too many posts on here are "We have to do a cash bar because we're spending everything on a venue/catering and we already signed the contract".

OP, I would double-check see if a venue change is at all possible. If so, look into venues where you could bring your own alcohol. Also, you may want to have your daughter figure out transportation costs if it hasn't already been done (if any sort of transportation for the WP or guests is needed). Limo/shuttle/taxi rates are astronomical on NYE.

EricksonBride · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:937ca1a5-e4fc-4cae-8990-b3fae7665df2">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Daughter's Wedding : Right, because everyone should be so honored to be invited that they shouldn't care if the couple is rude to them. :eyeroll: If the couple can't be bothered to host their guests, they shouldn't be inviting them.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Yeah..you probably shouldn't go either..."eyeroll" lol

EricksonBride · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-daughters-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ad3d5b23-aa21-4678-9ec3-7fe218ea78faPost:442bb0b9-9488-47b9-9488-b6771988eee6">Re: My Daughter's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Daughter's Wedding : The reception is a thank you for the guests, so their needs, likes, and comforts should be considered. So if most of your guests don't like beer and wine and that's all you host, then that's crappy hosting IMO. Like I said, I wouldn't hold it against the B&G though if we're the only ones there who don't like beer and wine. We'd get over it.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

No, I do agree with you. I would at least hope for a signature drink. I was just trying to give her all options.

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