Fiance is trying to starve me!!!

sboone84 · March 2010

My fiance won't stop commenting on what I do or don't eat!!

I am not overweight (5'5.5 and 134, muscular/athletic body type), but he is constantly critiquing my food choices! I eat pretty heathy, but I exercise alot, so I tend to eat alot (healthy food). Anyway, its not uncommon for him to say, "you can't eat all that," or "you're going to eat all that" or something along those lines.

However, when he wants to eat treats like ice cream and cookies, he wants me to eat those things too, because "I don't eat enough"

I have told him to stop talking about my eating habits because its none of his business, but that hasn't helped.

Getting annoyed!

greenglasshero · March 2010

I hate to be the 'negative nancy' but it sounds like you guys have some serious control/codepenency issues to get worked out. Not knowing anything else about your relationship, though, maybe he just has his own food issues & is worried about his own weight and/or health and is projecting that on you. Definitely try to get to the bottom of it, and if he won't open up, don't be afraid to seek counseling!
GL!

cac847 · March 2010

I've always had a really weird appetite. I'm usually never hungry in the morning or afternoon (I eat breakfast and lunch every day now, but I haven't always), and do most of my eating later in the day. In school people were constantly asking me if I was anorexic and it made me feel horrible, so I get where you're coming from. I don't think I would be able to deal with it for the rest of my life.

So to be blunt, your FI needs to STFU. I would sit down and have a discussion about it... tell him how much it bothers you and he needs to stop undermining your food choices. If that doesn't help, premarital counseling may be in order if you're not going already.

desertsun · March 2010

WHY is he saying these things? I think you need to address that before you can get him to stop.

I agree that counseling may be the best way to resolve this issue -- it is SERIOUS and you should not ignore it or put up with it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2010

He sounds like my mother. Whom I partially blame for my eating disorder. Because of that, I get seriously upset when anyone criticizes my food choices, as in, "Why are you eating that?" "Is THAT what you're having for dinner?" "Are you really going to eat all that food?" "Do you think that's what you should be eating right now?"

Good luck with that.

Also, at one point I weighed almost double what you do and my FI NEVER commented on my weight (though he very much supports my effort to be healthy and go to the gym). If he had, he would not be my FI.

Julz629 · March 2010

Ditto PPs. I think you need to get to the root of why this is happening.

When I started eating healthier, I would let FI know things like, "you should eat this instead of that" or "you shouldn't eat a ton of that because..." But it was all from an educational perspective and I ultimately let him make his own choices. We are both eating healthier now because he has seen how eating right can help, and also because I do most of the cooking.

I don't know your FI (obviously) but it sounds like he is trying to control you. Food is often a source of control for people.

baystateapple · March 2010

FI did that to me ONCE. Just once. And never will again.

You need to get to the root of this. When I confronted FI about saying "I thought you were trying to lose weight" when I had ONE cupcake, he immediately apologized and said it had come out wrong, he wasn't trying to get on my case. I informed him that you are definitely allowed to eat a small amount of sweets when you're dieting and exercising. And that was the end of it.

Talk to him. Sounds like you two have a fair amount to talk about. GL.

cac847 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_getting-shape_fiance-trying-starve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:238Discussion:5d5cfe27-37d4-40ee-8e4f-210ef6af1c04Post:d34a76dc-4b26-4227-9226-72af2b8442cf">Re: Fiance is trying to starve me!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]He sounds like my mother. Whom I partially blame for my eating disorder. Because of that, I get seriously upset when anyone criticizes my food choices, as in, "Why are you eating that?" "Is THAT what you're having for dinner?" "Are you really going to eat all that food?" "Do you think that's what you should be eating right now?" Good luck with that. Also, at one point I weighed almost double what you do and <strong>my FI NEVER commented on my weight (though he very much supports my effort to be healthy and go to the gym). If he had, he would not be my FI.</strong>
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. While we both exercise and try to eat healthy, my FI thinks it's awesome that my steak-eating abilities rival most men, and I love him for that. Come to think of it, all of the guys I've dated have said they like women who don't shy from red meat and whiskey. Also, I agree with whoever said this may be a control issue.

noelle24 · March 2010

Ditto PP's. My FI loves that I eat steaks and hearty food. He'd hate it if I ate nothing but salads all the time. And even at my highest weight, my FI still told me that I was beautiful and he'd love me no matter what size I was at. And he also managed to be supportive of my exercise and weight loss efforts without criticizing any food choices I made. If he had, he'd be in deep trouble.

Try talking to him very seriously with him about how these comments affect you.

sboone84 · March 2010

HI

Thanks for the responses~

Some of the posts were especially right. My fiance is 34 and I am 25, so he can be "parental" towards me sometimes, but isn't as controlling as it may seem, this is our only problem area. He also is not very happy with his own size. He eats healthy 90 percent of the time, but doesn't like to exercise much and is uncomfortable at the gym. So, some of this is projection, I would guess. Although I hadn't thought of that. He often talks about how thin and fit I am, but calls himself "fat" (which isn't true).

I have calmly told him that it bothers me and it makes me ashamed to eat anything, but he seems to do this by habit. He has even made such comments at dinners out with friends.

As silly as it sounds, I sometimes feel like some sort of "trophy wife" because all his friends think I am cute and fit and that makes him happy. But it also makes me worried about what he is going to think of my body after I have kids, etc.,

Julz629 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_getting-shape_fiance-trying-starve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:238Discussion:5d5cfe27-37d4-40ee-8e4f-210ef6af1c04Post:1e08939f-8b43-43ef-bf2a-b27489ceb683">Re: Fiance is trying to starve me!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]As silly as it sounds, I sometimes feel like some sort of "trophy wife" because all his friends think I am cute and fit and that makes him happy. But it also makes me worried about what he is going to think of my body after I have kids, etc.,
Posted by sboone84[/QUOTE]

Thanks for clearing that up and giving us more background. But based on this comment, I think that counseling still may be a good choice. This has the potential to be a HUGE problem.

FutureMsAlexander · March 2010

This whole post really bothers me and tugs at my little feminist heart strings. Please seek conseling together and ALWAYS voice your concerns with your FI.

jennyp08 · March 2010

!My FI once tried to comment that I'd gained weight--I was 5'3, weighed 125-130 when I moved in with him. 1.5 years later, I had skyrocketed to 155. He was concerned for my health, but it really hurt my feelings. Now, he reassures me that I'm beautiful, and will be the first one telling me to shut up if I start getting down on myself about my appearance. And, now I'm losing weight and exercising, for me, not to shut up my FI.

Sadly, I know a guy who does what your FI does. His theory is--if you treat a girl like that, she'll make sure to NOT get fat later, and not to take for granted that she has a perfect body. Its "motivation" to keep in shape. Its crap, and I've told him that. But hey, girls still let him get away with it, so he hasn't learned his lesson.

The way it sounds to me:your FI is marrying you because he WANTS a hot 20-something with a nice body, and he's going to have issues once this goes away. Which, I'm sorry ladies, its bound to at some point. Save your self years of self-esteem issues, etc. and either fix the problem or ditch the guy. You so don't deserve this!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_getting-shape_fiance-trying-starve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:238Discussion:5d5cfe27-37d4-40ee-8e4f-210ef6af1c04Post:28ea6da9-00ab-4947-9771-43695019d907">Re: Fiance is trying to starve me!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance is trying to starve me!!! : Ditto this. While we both exercise and try to eat healthy, my FI thinks it's awesome that my steak-eating abilities rival most men, and I love him for that. <strong>Come to think of it, all of the guys I've dated have said they like women who don't shy from red meat and whiskey.</strong> Also, I agree with whoever said this may be a control issue.
Posted by cac847[/QUOTE]

Haha, yes. I'm a vegetarian (which is another thing - FI totally respects my diet and will gladly eat vegetarian food with me, and I respect the fact that he eats meat and I don't force him not to) but we both drink like fishes. Trying to limit it in terms of weight loss, but still. I had FI order a Laphroiag for me at a bar once. The bartender came over and asked FI, "How's the scotch?" and he said, "You'll have to ask her." The bartender was seriously surprised that I was drinking that.

Sboone, my FI and I are 8 years apart (27 and 35) but I can't say he's ever acted "parental." We're equal partners in our relationship. Like PPs said, counseling might be a good idea.

nalwamba3006 · March 2010

sit down with him and ask him why he wants to choose the food for your.once you understand why u will be in the better position to know how to deal with his fears.i strongly feel a man should be able to love his woman irespective of the body shape.this makes us women feel proud of our selves. every problem has a way out

Tarana_b · March 2010

SOunds controlling to me, but I'm looking in from the outside so I can't comment much on his motives. Hopefully and can work through this.

riverjib · April 2010

Seriously? You're marrying someone who treats you this way before you're even married??? Not a good situation, ESPECIALLY if you've already addressed it and he continues to act this way.

princessnoura · April 2010

wow, im really surprised that everyone's first response is to ditch the guy! that is definitely not the way to deal with an issue, especially if its their only problem area. She didnt seem to complain about the way he was treating her in any other way. He's probably doing it without noticing, all he needs is a good serious talk. Good luck!

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