Wedding Woes

Etiquette for inviting/ not inviting

I'm planning a moderate-sized wedding and will be inviting family and close friends.  One problem I'm running up against is that I've had a lot of people from work "invited" themselves to the wedding.  I'm not close to them - we don't hang out together and our relationship is almost exclusively professional.  But I feel horribly guilty about excluding them since they seem to fully expect invitations.  Any suggestions? 

Re: Etiquette for inviting/ not inviting

  • Cynthia FoxCynthia Fox member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom comes from a very large family; I don't even know half of my cousins but they all want to come to my wedding because of the location.  I don't hve the space nor the money.  How do I gracely help my mom tell them that invitations are limited.
  • edited December 2011
    op - don't do anything. it's their mistake if they asusme that they're invited. no one should assume anything about a wedding.

    cynthia - make your own thread
  • HinajHinaj member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto PP.

    They are assuming a whole lot and especially when it is only a work relationship.  If they are smart, they will figure it out themselves when no inviitation comes by but like psichick said you don't have to do anything.  And if anyone still asks you have plenty of reason to give them: venue can only hold so much, not in the budget, etc. 
  • bajedivabajediva member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    how about a pre-wedding announcement? i was wondering about a similar thing, and a friend passed on to me an announcement that she had received from a co-worker who was getting married, in lieu of an invitation. It says:

    On the thirty-first of December, two thousand and seven
    Stacey & Gary
    Will say "I do"

    Although we cannot have you there in person,
    thank you for sharing in our lives
    with your friendship and love.
    We know we'll be in your hearts and you in ours
    on our special day.

    I'm not decided yet on using the idea, but my friend says she got the point - she wasn't invited, but she felt respected and not offended.
  • SteveandKrisSteveandKris member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_etiquette-inviting-not-inviting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1b5f9a04-6b65-4663-a37a-bd187743f7efPost:e44c4c53-6b31-4af6-9631-45401377b70c">Re: Etiquette for inviting/ not inviting</a>:
    [QUOTE]how about a pre-wedding announcement? i was wondering about a similar thing, and a friend passed on to me an announcement that she had received from a co-worker who was getting married, in lieu of an invitation. It says: On the thirty-first of December, two thousand and seven Stacey & Gary Will say "I do" Although we cannot have you there in person, thank you for sharing in our lives with your friendship and love. We know we'll be in your hearts and you in ours on our special day. I'm not decided yet on using the idea, but my friend says she got the point - she wasn't invited, but she felt respected and not offended.
    Posted by bajediva[/QUOTE]

    I could see feeling "respected" if I got this about a co-worker, but it I was family/friends this would bother me - I would know well enough when I didn't receive an invite.
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That means that you need to back off of talking so much at work about the wedding.  We didn't talk about it, didn't invite anyone from either workplace, and it was fine.  Suggestion:  if you aren't really FRIENDS with these people - meaning that you don't go over to each other's houses, don't go to movies together, don't go out to dinner together, then don't invite them.
  • LnR70707LnR70707 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_etiquette-inviting-not-inviting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1b5f9a04-6b65-4663-a37a-bd187743f7efPost:e44c4c53-6b31-4af6-9631-45401377b70c">Re: Etiquette for inviting/ not inviting</a>:
    [QUOTE]how about a pre-wedding announcement? i was wondering about a similar thing, and a friend passed on to me an announcement that she had received from a co-worker who was getting married, in lieu of an invitation. It says: On the thirty-first of December, two thousand and seven Stacey & Gary Will say "I do" Although we cannot have you there in person, thank you for sharing in our lives with your friendship and love. We know we'll be in your hearts and you in ours on our special day. I'm not decided yet on using the idea, but my friend says she got the point - she wasn't invited, but she felt respected and not offended.
    Posted by bajediva[/QUOTE]
    That is just as horrible as the co-worker expecting the invite. It screams I don't care enough to send you a real invite, but I'll send you this so you'll feel obligated to give me a gift anyway.
    OP - you do nothing, if someone straight up asks, tell them your budget only allows for close friends and family.
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  • edited December 2011
    Don’t let it bother you. You can’t invite yourself to someone's wedding! Just let them know that it is very intimate and for close family and friends, and with the size of yours and his family you could only fit that many people into your venue. 
  • GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_etiquette-inviting-not-inviting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1b5f9a04-6b65-4663-a37a-bd187743f7efPost:457bbb1f-8126-4d20-8106-b019ca4db869">Re: Etiquette for inviting/ not inviting</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP - you do nothing, if someone straight up asks, tell them your budget only allows for close friends and family.
    Posted by L&R70707[/QUOTE]
    This, in spades.
    you say, with that apologetic smile, "oh, we're only having cloes friends and family".  "Oh, it's going to be a small wedding" etc.
    They don'tneed to know your definition of 'small' or 'family only'.  Don't defend your decisiobn, just state firmly and politely  what it is.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm "friends" with a number of co-workers but I also want to keep my wedding fairly small.  What I decided to do was only invite co-workers with whom I have a relationship outside of work.  In other words, if I don't hang out with you when we're off the clock, you're not getting a wedding invitation.  I'm sure that some feelings may be hurt, but I don't have a problem standing firm with this decision.  I figure if anyone has the lack of tact to ask me why they didn't get an invite, it's pretty much their own fault if my answer hurts their feelings.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_etiquette-inviting-not-inviting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1b5f9a04-6b65-4663-a37a-bd187743f7efPost:b3c24ff6-c8f0-4766-bc2a-b92866cacf3f">Re: Etiquette for inviting/ not inviting</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette for inviting/ not inviting : This, in spades. you say, with that apologetic smile, "oh, we're only having cloes friends and family".  "Oh, it's going to be a small wedding" etc. They don'tneed to know your definition of 'small' or 'family only'.  Don't defend your decisiobn, just state firmly and politely  what it is.
    Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

    Double ditto.

    And please, do NOT do a "pre-wedding announcement".  That really is horrid. HORRID. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_etiquette-inviting-not-inviting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1b5f9a04-6b65-4663-a37a-bd187743f7efPost:e44c4c53-6b31-4af6-9631-45401377b70c">Re: Etiquette for inviting/ not inviting</a>:
    [QUOTE]how about a pre-wedding announcement? i was wondering about a similar thing, and a friend passed on to me an announcement that she had received from a co-worker who was getting married, in lieu of an invitation. It says: On the thirty-first of December, two thousand and seven Stacey & Gary Will say "I do" Although we cannot have you there in person, thank you for sharing in our lives with your friendship and love. We know we'll be in your hearts and you in ours on our special day. I'm not decided yet on using the idea, but my friend says she got the point - she wasn't invited, but she felt respected and not offended.
    Posted by bajediva[/QUOTE]

    <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-sealed.gif" border="0" alt="Sealed" title="Sealed" /> I <strong>wouldn't</strong> send this. It's more of a slap in the face " I am getting married, you aren't invited, but we love that you are excited for us and will be thinking about our ubberly awesome wedding while you are sitting at home eating hotdogs. Think about how awesome we are and how much we mean to you by buying the $200 crystal salad bowls on our registry KTHXBAI!!!"
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_etiquette-inviting-not-inviting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1b5f9a04-6b65-4663-a37a-bd187743f7efPost:e44c4c53-6b31-4af6-9631-45401377b70c">Re: Etiquette for inviting/ not inviting</a>:
    [QUOTE]how about a pre-wedding announcement? i was wondering about a similar thing, and a friend passed on to me an announcement that she had received from a co-worker who was getting married, in lieu of an invitation. It says: On the thirty-first of December, two thousand and seven Stacey & Gary Will say "I do" Although we cannot have you there in person, thank you for sharing in our lives with your friendship and love. We know we'll be in your hearts and you in ours on our special day. I'm not decided yet on using the idea, but my friend says she got the point - she wasn't invited, but she felt respected and not offended.
    Posted by bajediva[/QUOTE]

    Um, this is one of the worst ideas I've ever heard.  "Hey, you're not invited.  But we're going to tell you when our wedding is.  That way you don't have an excuse not to get us a gift even though we don't like you enough to invite you!!" 

    Do NOT do a pre-wedding announcement, OP.  That would be incredibly rude.

    If everyone at work is expecting invitations, I think there are two ways to handle this:  1) Stop talking about the wedding so much, and 2) when people ask about the wedding, the planning, the budget, etc., let them know with an apologetic smile that you're having a small wedding with family and close friends. 
  • MortomoMortomo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It always makes me very happy when I'm not invited to a co-worker's wedding.  That way I don't have to feel like a b!tch when I RSVP that I'm not coming.  The bonus is that if I'm not invited I also don't have to provide a gift!

    Don't say anything and let them assume all they want.  As long as you haven't given them some reason to believe that they are invited, then it's all on them.
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  • vs0330vs0330 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm in the same boat. I don't talk about my wedding plans at work so that my co-workers don't assume they'll get invited. I keep to myself in my office but I am constantly getting asked "did you find a venue", "when's the date" and other information which I would rather not share. I know they assume that they'll get invited, but the truth is that my budget will not allow it.

    I am inviting the 2 owners of the company & a couple from work but only because I actually developed a friendship with them past 9-5 work hours. I know people at work will be insulted & will most likely talk their gossip as they all love to do, but I don't care.  I want my wedding to be a room full of people that I actually care about & that I know care about me :)
  • edited December 2011
    I agree. Tell people you are having a samll wedding and let it be. They will know they are not invited when the have no tangible invitation. you send weddign announcements AFTER the wedding. These you can give to those who were not invited. the announcement can also have a thnak you fo their well wishing but is by no means an opportunity for you to get gifts. It is a sticky situation to be in, but everyone and their cosuins' uncle's neghbor's best friend's sister cannot go.
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  • edited December 2011
    I have a similar situation. My department consists of about 15 people and I'd like to invite 12 of them, just because I am very close with them. What about the other 3 (which is technically 6 because they are all married)?
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