Wedding Etiquette Forum

Head Table Bummer

So my BF is getting married in May and I am a very happy maid. She's totally not a bridezilla, we all got to pick our style of dress and shoes, no crazy chores, everything's good... The only thing I'm slightly miffed about is the head table...

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, she's met him, she knows there's a very good chance that someday he'll be the guy I marry. So the other day I got a text from her asking where he'd want to sit, with my parents or with people his age. I asked wouldn't he be sitting with me? Evidently since I'm at the head table this is a no-go. I've been a wedding buff my whole life, so I know that it is considered ok (depending on who you ask) to have SOs at the head table. I mentioned this to her sister today, the other BM, and she mentioned that if not all the attendants had SOs, this would look awkward. Of course, they want to go with a boys side/girls side, which is not necessarily traditional, and makes the whole SO thing look more awkward.  All of this harkens back to the "uneven side-gasp!" thing we see on the boards all the time.

Here's how I feel about it: SOs that are long term, ie. spouses, fiancés, live-in partners, and SOs of more than a year should get to sit with their partners. Weddings are romantic and couples want to spend this time together, not at nearby-but-separate tables. This is why I am in favor of having either a mixed head table or round tables for the BMs, GMs, and their SOs or dates, and a sweetheart table for the newlyweds. This is what I will be doing. However, I know this is not my wedding, there's nothing I can really do about this particular case. I will not be complaining to the bride, I don't think it would do any good. Plus I don't think it's worth it, it's just one day.

So here's my question(s): Do you think it's ok to have SOs at the head table? How do you feel about boys side/girls side head tables? Are even sides STILL necessary AFTER the ceremony? Tongue out Have you dealt with this situation yourself, either as a maid or a bride?

All thoughts and comments welcome. Laughing

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Re: Head Table Bummer

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_head-table-bummer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c38fd72-4b13-4640-b77b-1726e2c69fb1Post:48197eca-1f28-4129-96ad-e28ff43cd918">Head Table Bummer</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my BF is getting married in May and I am a very happy maid. She's totally not a bridezilla, we all got to pick our style of dress and shoes, no crazy chores, everything's good... The only thing I'm slightly miffed about is the head table... I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, she's met him, she knows there's a very good chance that someday he'll be the guy I marry. So the other day I got a text from her asking where he'd want to sit, with my parents or with people his age. I asked wouldn't he be sitting with me? Evidently since I'm at the head table this is a no-go. I've been a wedding buff my whole life, so I know that it is considered ok (depending on who you ask) to have SOs at the head table. I mentioned this to her sister today, the other BM, and she mentioned that if not all the attendants had SOs, this would look awkward. Of course, they want to go with a boys side/girls side, which is not necessarily traditional, and makes the whole SO thing look more awkward.  All of this harkens back to the "uneven side-gasp!" thing we see on the boards all the time. Here's how I feel about it: SOs that are long term, ie. spouses, fiancés, live-in partners, and SOs of more than a year should get to sit with their partners. Weddings are romantic and couples want to spend this time together, not at nearby-but-separate tables. This is why I am in favor of having either a mixed head table or round tables for the BMs, GMs, and their SOs or dates, and a sweetheart table for the newlyweds. This is what I will be doing. However, I know this is not my wedding, there's nothing I can really do about this particular case. I will not be complaining to the bride, I don't think it would do any good. Plus I don't think it's worth it, it's just one day. So here's my question(s): Do you think it's ok to have SOs at the head table? How do you feel about boys side/girls side head tables? Are even sides STILL necessary AFTER the ceremony?  Have you dealt with this situation yourself, either as a maid or a bride? All thoughts and comments welcome.
    Posted by shipsinthenight[/QUOTE]
    <p> </p><p>A lot of people aren't that keen on bridal tables for that reason- they split up couples. </p><p>That said, a head table can only be so big- and if you're going to have one and include SO, it could potentially be ridiculously huge... not to mention that it rather defeats the purpose of a bridal table to have people other than the bridal party sitting on it. </p><p> </p><p>We didn't do a bridal table, and I don't for one second regret my decision. I also found it a little weird when Nick sat on the bridal table for my BIL's wedding and I was at a table with other bridal-table orphaned s/os. That said, it's only an hour or two and not a huge deal. </p>
  • I share your distaste for head tables.  DH and I had a sweetheart, and sat our BP with their SO's and friends.  Everyone was happy.


  • We are doing a head table but, due to our family situations, it will be fairly untraditional anyway.  The Best Man will be there, but my Matron of Honour has a very irritable teenager to keep an eye on, as well as her husband that she'd like to sit with, so she will be near the head table, but not at it - my fiancé also wants our vicar and his wife to join us at it.  We are very limited for space as we're having it in the church hall and can't fit more than nine people across the table.
    You may very well be well-bred, Lots of etiquette in your head - But there's always some special case, Time or place to forget etiquette.
  • I don't like the idea of a head table if it splits up SOs.  These people are our friends, why would anyone want to piss off or inconvenience their friends?  We are doing two tables of us + wedding party pretty close to each other.  I experienced this at one wedding and I really liked it and the extra table of wedding party was still close enough for everyone to talk to each other.
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  • My fiance and I are doing a sweetheart table because I also find head table situations to be a little awkward. With that said, it's your friend's wedding and if she doesn't want the significant others at the head table, then you might just have to deal with it. 

    If she does seem open to other seating arrangement ideas, my best friend actually had a table with her and her husband, the matron of honor and her husband, and the best man and his girlfriend. This worked out nicely because they weren't eating dinner by themselves and none of the couples were split up. I was a bridesmaid in that wedding and got to have dinner with my fiance and friends from high school--it was perfect!
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  • yeah., head tables are a drag.  but will it really kill you to eat apart from your boyfriend for one meal?  i assume you know the other WP members, right?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_head-table-bummer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c38fd72-4b13-4640-b77b-1726e2c69fb1Post:d2731300-8c82-4101-b460-3ae6e717ee45">Re: Head Table Bummer</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are doing a head table but, due to our family situations, it will be fairly untraditional anyway.  The Best Man will be there, but my Matron of Honour has a very irritable teenager to keep an eye on, as well as her husband that she'd like to sit with, so she will be near the head table, but not at it - my fiancé also wants our vicar and his wife to join us at it.  We are very limited for space as we're having it in the church hall and can't fit more than nine people across the table.
    Posted by rebeccamat[/QUOTE]

    Sounds like with those complications you should probably skip the head table.

    Nothing like feeling like you're at the last supper on your wedding day.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_head-table-bummer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c38fd72-4b13-4640-b77b-1726e2c69fb1Post:ddd8a17f-3b9b-42e7-b8d3-cd8deb9a216c">Re: Head Table Bummer</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Head Table Bummer : Sounds like with those complications you should probably skip the head table. Nothing like feeling like you're at the last supper on your wedding day.
    Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

    My fiancé really likes the idea of having one and, since I'm not fussed either way, I'm happy for him to have his way.  We only have long rectangular tables to use anyway, so there's a limit to the way we can set things up. 
    You may very well be well-bred, Lots of etiquette in your head - But there's always some special case, Time or place to forget etiquette.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_head-table-bummer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c38fd72-4b13-4640-b77b-1726e2c69fb1Post:a96e06bb-9692-48f3-90e9-c6c148b6f673">Re: Head Table Bummer</a>:
    [QUOTE]yeah., head tables are a drag.  but will it really kill you to eat apart from your boyfriend for one meal?  i assume you know the other WP members, right?
    Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

    Ummm - for my first marriage, nope. They all met the night before. So there was no head table.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_head-table-bummer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c38fd72-4b13-4640-b77b-1726e2c69fb1Post:9bf99fa7-6210-4eed-aeac-7b44b7eb639f">Re: Head Table Bummer</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I are doing a sweetheart table because I also find head table situations to be a little awkward. With that said, it's your friend's wedding and if she doesn't want the significant others at the head table, then you might just have to deal with it.  If she does seem open to other seating arrangement ideas, <strong>my best friend actually had a table with her and her husband, the matron of honor and her husband, and the best man and his girlfriend.</strong> This worked out nicely because they weren't eating dinner by themselves and none of the couples were split up. I was a bridesmaid in that wedding and got to have dinner with my fiance and friends from high school--it was perfect!
    Posted by KJ7985[/QUOTE]

    We'll be doing somthing similar to this.  We don't want the huge long head table and my FI is opposed to the sweetheart table.

    The rest of our wedding party are friends or family and everybody knows everybody else.  We haven't decided if the WP will be all seated together at a couple of other tables or scattered among friends and family at all different tables.

    It does stink that she's separating you - but like PPs have said - it's only one meal and only for about an hour or so - then you'll be free to move about.

     

  • The wedding I was in last summer had a very traditional head table.  The "orphaned s/o's" (great term!) were sat at a table at the back of the hall.  We got to see our S/O's during the dance....it wasn't ideal but it was only one meal!
  • I know it's tradition but in general I find this whole "head table" idea silly.  WP members are not necessarily close to each other and the B&G don't have the time or inclination to keep people entertained.

    We're relaxing tradition and putting people with others they'd want to sit with.  My best friend will sit a table away so she can be with people she is close to.

    Our table will likely be BM, a couple GM and their partners because FI and I are both close to all of them and they're close to each other.

    But yeah, splitting up SO is weird IMO.

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  • HandBananaHandBanana member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited April 2011
    I like head tables because it simply displays the bridal couple and it is only for dinner.  We went to a wedding last year where my FI was in the wedding party and I wasn't.  I got to sit and goof off with a few of the other BP dates and couples I knew.  Yeah it is a pain in the butt if you bring someone to the wedding who doesn't know anyone but that goes into a whole other thing that bothers me (people bringing just anyone as a date to weddings.)


    ETA: I have never been to a wedding where dates of the BP sit at the head table unless they are in the wedding.  I can only imagine... I'm in a wedding next fall with 7 on each side.... it would be insane.
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  • We are not doing a head table for exactly that reason.  Of the 12 people in our wedding party, 7 of them have significant others.  I could not imagine a 21-person head table, and I would not ask any of my friends or family to sit apart from their dates.

    I'm sure the WP members would much rather sit with people they know, including their SOs, than with a bunch of people they barely know.  Most of my FI's GMs know each other (except my brother, who knows only my MOH), but my girls don't know anyone else in the WP.  I'm sure they'll be much happier sitting with their own families and friends.
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  • I think head tables are dumb.  And very 80s.  And I think it is mean to separate the WP from their dates.  In fact, I think it is mean to make the WP sit up on display and it is way more fun for them to sit with their friends, especially if the WP doesn't necessarily know each other.

    For us, we did a sweetheart table and then we sat our WP with the people they are closest to.  So they were mixed up among the round tables.  I just think this is so much more fun for everyone.

    But, unfortunately you can't say anything to the bride.  Its her wedding, her decision. But I will say I think it sucks.
  • I know a bride doing a head table for the exact reason of separating one of the groomsmen away from his fiancee and the rest of the their friends. She hates the fiancee for getting the guy she originally wanted so she asked everyone in the group of friends but her and then demanded wp sit at a head table. Its not a great idea but if thats what she wants at least he'll know ppl there maybe even try to get him to meet some of the other ppl not in the WP so he'll be more comfortable
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  • I just don't like head tables at all. I'd go for a modified seating arrangement. We did a sweetheart table and let our WP and their dates sit at regular tables with their friends and family.

    Did you suggest other arrangements to her? Like, "well, maybe we could go without a head table?" and then suggest sweetheart, family table, her sitting with the MOH/BM and their dates, etc. Some people have jsut never seen another option.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_head-table-bummer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c38fd72-4b13-4640-b77b-1726e2c69fb1Post:85bbeacc-e0da-492e-90c7-93540efe567b">Re: Head Table Bummer</a>:
    [QUOTE]I like head tables because it simply displays the bridal couple and it is only for dinner.  We went to a wedding last year where my FI was in the wedding party and I wasn't.  I got to sit and goof off with a few of the other BP dates and couples I knew.  Yeah it is a pain in the butt if you bring someone to the wedding who doesn't know anyone<strong> but that goes into a whole other thing that bothers me (people bringing just anyone as a date to weddings</strong>.) ETA: I have never been to a wedding where dates of the BP sit at the head table unless they are in the wedding.  I can only imagine... I'm in a wedding next fall with 7 on each side.... it would be insane.
    Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

    One of our GMs brought his live-in girlfriend of 2 years. She didn't know anyone else, except me and my husband, whom she had met 2 or 3 times. GM was my husband's friend from college. They went to college in NH. We live in CA. GM lives in AZ. She was hardly some rando, but she was VERY nervous about possibly having to sit by herself with her boyfriend's college friends she hadn't met.
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  • I have one single person in my entire WP. We would have loved a large table for the entire WP and their dates but due to space we are doing a table for BMs with their dates and another table for the GM and their dates. Splitting them up is so irritating and I have been the SO of a GM in several weddings...and I felt like crap being split up.
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  • I just dont understand why people do the WP or head table anymore.. Ive been a BM several times and thank GOD no one had them.

    On the other hand, if you friend has NOT been a craxy bride and you have gotten off "easy" with everything else, eat fast and suck it up.
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  • While I totally agree that head tables are stupid, it's still her decision.
    Let her know that you (and probably the rest of the WP with S.O.s) will be eating very fast in order to leave the table and join your significant other - he'll be there bc of you so etiquette demands you give him proper attention.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_head-table-bummer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c38fd72-4b13-4640-b77b-1726e2c69fb1Post:08875bcb-aa9b-469b-8ae7-3e14783f4809">Re: Head Table Bummer</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know a bride doing a head table for the exact reason of separating one of the groomsmen away from his fiancee and the rest of the their friends. She hates the fiancee for getting the guy she originally wanted so she asked everyone in the group of friends but her and then demanded wp sit at a head table. Its not a great idea but if thats what she wants at least he'll know ppl there maybe even try to get him to meet some of the other ppl not in the WP so he'll be more comfortable
    Posted by dragossoul84[/QUOTE]

    OK your friend is cray cray. She's pissed at the fiancee of one of the GM because she originally wanted the GM??? Does she realize she's the one getting married??? Should she even be getting married if she obviously is holding these feelings towards GM and his fiancee????

    Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_head-table-bummer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c38fd72-4b13-4640-b77b-1726e2c69fb1Post:85bbeacc-e0da-492e-90c7-93540efe567b">Re: Head Table Bummer</a>:
    [QUOTE]I like head tables because it <strong>simply displays the bridal couple</strong> and it is only for dinner.  We went to a wedding last year where my FI was in the wedding party and I wasn't.  I got to sit and goof off with a few of the other BP dates and couples I knew.  Yeah it is a pain in the butt if you bring someone to the wedding who doesn't know anyone but that goes into a whole other thing that bothers me <strong>(people bringing just anyone as a date to weddings.)</strong> ETA: I have never been to a wedding where dates of the BP sit at the head table unless they are in the wedding.  I can only imagine... I'm in a wedding next fall with 7 on each side.... it would be insane.
    Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

    Sweetheart tables to the same thing. Oh and they're the bridal couple, not props. They'll be on "display" all day. You know, it's their wedding.

    And the second bolded. Heaven forbid someone bring someone THEY know who might not know anyone else. They may be random to you, but not to the person bringing them.
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  • Thanks to all of you ladies for your kind responces. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks this sucks. At least my boyfriend will be sitting with my parents, near the HT. He and my parents get along really well, especially my dad. He'll have met a few other people at the wedding, but he really only knows my family and the bride's family well. I know there's at least 2 GM with SOs, one wife, one LTGF. It wouldn't be a big deal if my boyfriend were outgoing, but he's the type that takes a while to get to know people, not really shy, but almost :) Love him anyway.

    For those of you who asked about suggesting other seating arrangements...bride lives in FL, wedding is in CA, where I am. I don't think she would be very open to it. I love her, but she and her sister are...stubborn...and...indecisive. So giving her more to choose from might end up backfiring. :/ It really isn't a huge deal, just a bummer, and it is only for a few hours. I know he will make silly faces at me from his table to make me laugh, and I'm going home with him at the end of the night, so I'm sure to get in my romance time ;) And this will force him to dance with me more!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_head-table-bummer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c38fd72-4b13-4640-b77b-1726e2c69fb1Post:c168b2d1-dea0-43ca-857f-33327049b01b">Re: Head Table Bummer</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks to all of you ladies for your kind responces. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks this sucks. At least my boyfriend will be sitting with my parents, near the HT. He and my parents get along really well, especially my dad. He'll have met a few other people at the wedding, but he really only knows my family and the bride's family well. I know there's at least 2 GM with SOs, one wife, one LTGF. It wouldn't be a big deal if my boyfriend were outgoing, but he's the type that takes a while to get to know people, not really shy, but almost :) Love him anyway. For those of you who asked about suggesting other seating arrangements...bride lives in FL, wedding is in CA, where I am. I don't think she would be very open to it. I love her, but she and her sister are...stubborn...and...indecisive. So giving her more to choose from might end up backfiring. :/ It really isn't a huge deal, just a bummer, and it is only for a few hours. I know he will make silly faces at me from his table to make me laugh, and I'm going home with him at the end of the night, so I'm sure to get in my romance time ;) And this will force him to dance with me more!
    Posted by shipsinthenight[/QUOTE]

    You could always suggest that she come here.  We could try to convince her to do a sweetheart table.
  • While it kinda sucks, your BF will be okay. Just go visit him from time to time when you can.

    At the last wedding I went to, the only people I knew were at the head table (including FI). I was at a table for 10 with only three other people. Not fun. But I survived, and it convinced FI that a sweetheart table is the right thing for us.
  • If the SO's are friends with other guests then I don't see any problem with Head Tables since everyone will have someone to sit with who they'll be comfortable with, and as others have mentioned, it's not for that long. I do think even in this situation though, the table with SO's should be fairly close to the head table.

    Having said this, I was a BM in a wedding and they had a Head Table. As a result, my fiancee opted to only show up for the after-dinner reception because he didn't know anyone, and that was unfortunate. If you're super outgoing, it's no big deal, but if you're shy, it's just a really crappy 2 hours when it shouldn't be.

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