My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?

kc1987kc · May 2011

Hi there!

So first I should start by saying that I'm a low-key person, not a Bridezilla, not demanding. I'm a loyal person and too forgiving. I've had my same girlfriends since kindergarten, and I asked two of them to be in my wedding party. I was engaged on Christmas, and asked them shortly after. They both said yes!

We decided to get married in San Francisco,--I haven't lived near my parents (in the town where the friends live) since I was 18--(that's 19 years) and so getting married in SF really feels right. When I told them I was getting married, I called and said, "GUESS WHAT?" and they said in the most disappointed monotone voice, "You're getting married." Um, yeah and we're really happy...!

When my Fiance said, "You're friends don't seem that happy for you," I brushed it off and explained that they are a little bitter, 'done-wrong' by men, single mothers, and really didn't think I'd "get married before they did." (Their words, not mine.)

Fast forward to last week. My only sister (my MOH) called to say that she "wouldn't stand by me" "for religious reasons" ... because we aren't getting married in the catholic church. She is my only sister and we are one year apart. Not to be dramatic, but I've basically dreamed my whole life of her being my MOH. We've tried very hard to get married in the church, but my FI was married once before for 18 months, so considered a divorcee. We've been to classes, marriage encounter, engagement weekends, submitted our babtismal papers, oh it just goes on and on. And the stress of getting married in the chuch casued us to realize we wanted something more simple.

Then, my bridesmaid called to say she wouldn't be coming to my wedding. That's right, not that she couldn't be in the wedding but would come, but that she was flat out not coming. She cited 'financial' reasons and sent me a snarky text saying I didn't understand what it was like to be a single mother. First of all, our engagement is 8 months before our wedding, it's not like I asked her to travel across the country with only a month or less notice.

And also (sorry for the rant) I've gone to every one of their 'milestone' events, baby showers, weddings, school recitals, babysitting, the zoo, music recitals, just goes on and on...I'm a very supportive friend and my major fault is that I'm stupid loyal and attach myself to friends who don't value me as much as I value them. At the end of our conversation, she suggested that I talk to the other bridesmaid.

Then my other bridesmaid best friend called to tell me she wouldn't be coming to our wedding either. "It's just SO expensive" she said. (Keep in mind: I told them they could pick out their own dresses, own color, style, price...I agreed to pay for half their hotel and planned to take them out for a very special day spa of pampering the day before the wedding. They did nothing to help me with dress shopping, planning, sorting through details. Everything I did was to make my day easier for THEM.) From day one, this particular bridesmaid has bitched and complained about the cost of everything. I suggested she not be a bridesmaid if it would be so stressful on her. Yet she insisted! Then less than 3 months before our wedding she drops it on me that she's not attending our wedding.

I felt pretty low for a couple of days. My FI and I discussed it and I said, "Maybe if I paid for everything" but he assured me that I hadn't even asked for anything from them, and that we don't need any more evidence that they really don't give a s%^! about me.

I've since asked a good friend of mine that I knew in college to be in the wedding and she said yes. I have five future sister in laws, but Now, I don't want to ask them, like, "Hey, my sister and my two best friends bailed out on me. Wanna be my bridesmaid?" I just feel it's tacky. I'd rather stand up there alone than make them feel second best.

For the first time ever, I feel justified in never communicating with these 'friends' again. My sister who I love dearly, I can't do that and wouldn't want to, but I am very hurt and sad. To those of you who think I'm being unrealistic, you should know that I asked nothing of my bridal party and certainly didn't want to 'drain them financially for a year.' The 2 bridesmaids even suggested I wait until next year to get married, when I asked "Why would we do that?" They said, "Well, you know, financially?" As in , financially for Them. We are talking about someone who is so cheap she waters down shampoo, has over $30K in her savings (which is none of my business) and makes me pay whenever we go for lunch or dinner. So really I should have known better. People are exactly who they tell you they are.

I don't know how to proceed. I'm embarrassed. I'm left with every responsibility and embarrassed to make excuses for why they couldn't be bothered to show up for me even when I've done a million parties for them.

covejack · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:f6865dba-cfb4-4d4a-ac99-676d85b50b4e">My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi there! So first I should start by saying that I'm a low-key person, not a Bridezilla, not demanding. I'm a loyal person and too forgiving. I've had my same girlfriends since kindergarten, and I asked two of them to be in my wedding party. I was engaged on Christmas, and asked them shortly after. They both said yes! We decided to get married in San Francisco,--I haven't lived near my parents (in the town where the friends live) since I was 18--(that's 19 years) and so getting married in SF really feels right. When I told them I was getting married, I called and said, "GUESS WHAT?" and they said in the most disappointed monotone voice, "You're getting married." Um, yeah and we're really happy...! When my Fiance said, "You're friends don't seem that happy for you," I brushed it off and explained that they are a little bitter, 'done-wrong' by men, single mothers, and really didn't think I'd "get married before they did." (Their words, not mine.) Fast forward to last week. My only sister (my MOH) called to say that she "wouldn't stand by me" "for religious reasons" ... because we aren't getting married in the catholic church. She is my only sister and we are one year apart. Not to be dramatic, but I've basically dreamed my whole life of her being my MOH. We've tried very hard to get married in the church, but my FI was married once before for 18 months, so considered a divorcee. We've been to classes, marriage encounter, engagement weekends, submitted our babtismal papers, oh it just goes on and on. And the stress of getting married in the chuch casued us to realize we wanted something more simple. Then, my bridesmaid called to say she wouldn't be coming to my wedding. That's right, not that she couldn't be in the wedding but would come, but that she was flat out not coming. She cited 'financial' reasons and sent me a snarky text saying I didn't understand what it was like to be a single mother. First of all, our engagement is 8 months before our wedding, it's not like I asked her to travel across the country with only a month or less notice. And also (sorry for the rant) I've gone to every one of their 'milestone' events, baby showers, weddings, school recitals, babysitting, the zoo, music recitals, just goes on and on...I'm a very supportive friend and my major fault is that I'm stupid loyal and attach myself to friends who don't value me as much as I value them. At the end of our conversation, she suggested that I talk to the other bridesmaid. Then my other bridesmaid best friend called to tell me she wouldn't be coming to our wedding either. "It's just SO expensive" she said. (Keep in mind: I told them they could pick out their own dresses, own color, style, price...I agreed to pay for half their hotel and planned to take them out for a very special day spa of pampering the day before the wedding. They did nothing to help me with dress shopping, planning, sorting through details. Everything I did was to make my day easier for THEM.) From day one, this particular bridesmaid has bitched and complained about the cost of everything. I suggested she not be a bridesmaid if it would be so stressful on her. Yet she insisted! Then less than 3 months before our wedding she drops it on me that she's not attending our wedding. I felt pretty low for a couple of days. My FI and I discussed it and I said, "Maybe if I paid for everything" but he assured me that I hadn't even asked for anything from them, and that we don't need any more evidence that they really don't give a s%^! about me. I've since asked a good friend of mine that I knew in college to be in the wedding and she said yes. I have five future sister in laws, but Now, I don't want to ask them, like, "Hey, my sister and my two best friends bailed out on me. Wanna be my bridesmaid?" I just feel it's tacky. I'd rather stand up there alone than make them feel second best. For the first time ever, I feel justified in never communicating with these 'friends' again. My sister who I love dearly, I can't do that and wouldn't want to, but I am very hurt and sad. To those of you who think I'm being unrealistic, you should know that I asked nothing of my bridal party and certainly didn't want to 'drain them financially for a year.' The 2 bridesmaids even suggested I wait until next year to get married, when I asked "Why would we do that?" They said, "Well, you know, financially?" As in , financially for Them. We are talking about someone who is so cheap she waters down shampoo, has over $30K in her savings (which is none of my business) and makes me pay whenever we go for lunch or dinner. <strong>So really I should have known better. </strong>People are exactly who they tell you they are. I don't know how to proceed. I'm embarrassed. I'm left with every responsibility and embarrassed to make excuses for why they couldn't be bothered to show up for me even when I've done a million parties for them.
Posted by kc1987kc[/QUOTE]

That pretty much sums it up. I'm so sorry that happened to you, but you really can't expect your friends to change. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your choice of friends. As far as your sister goes, I don't really understand the issue, but I know religion can be very life or death for some people. I guess the reason has validity for her. What do your parents think? Are they supportive of your marriage? Is your fiance well-liked by your nearest and dearest?

em01092 · May 2011

Holy wall of text.

That really stinks for you. I honestly don't know what to say. You don't sound like a bridezilla. You did a lot right by letting them pick dresses they could afford and by offering to help pay. You also gave them a lot of heads up. Everyone on here always says the prewedding parties are optional, which they are, but your girls can't even make the actual big day, which is kind of the point and what they signed up for. That said, they really might be in a financial bind and how they spend their money is their business.

I would not find replacements, but maybe just do without attendants? Did your FI ask some guys? If so, don't ask them to step down. You could do a king's wedding, I think that's what it's called, where guys stand up for the bride too. You could ask a few of the guys to stand on your side, or you could ask some male friends/relatives to stand in. Yeah, it sucks since they may feel like replacements, but maybe they would want to considering your shoddy friends and I hate the idea of you standing alone while your FI has some guys. Idk.

As for your sister, maybe give her some time to come around? I can't relate to the die hard religious beliefs thing, so I don't know what to tell you on that. You can't change her beliefs and apparently that is very important to a lot of Catholics. You may just have to deal with her sitting this out.

It sucks all around. I'm sorry. Good luck.

kc1987kc · May 2011

Yes everyone LOVEs him. He is kind and supportive. My parents are very supportive of my getting married; although my mother even defended my sisters choice, saying that 'technically' as a good catholic she couldn't do it.

The religion conflict I do not get...I am catholic. I don't understand.

You are right I need to re-evaluate my friendships...I'm very loyal and that's not smart of me. Let's face it we aren't who we were in high school. My friends have become somewhat bitter over the years and my finding love and marriage somewhat late (I'm 37) seems to have irked them. My fiance is 12 years younger and they often make snarky remarks about my being a "Cougar" ... I have let that go as well but it really was quite a punch in the stomach and degrading to our relationship.

em01092 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:01ba9d07-9af5-4f9f-8874-ca3e76b3545c">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes everyone LOVEs him. He is kind and supportive. My parents are very supportive of my getting married; although my mother even defended my sisters choice, saying that 'technically' as a good catholic she couldn't do it. <strong>The religion conflict I do not get...I am catholic. I don't understand</strong>. You are right I need to re-evaluate my friendships...I'm very loyal and that's not smart of me. Let's face it we aren't who we were in high school. My friends have become somewhat bitter over the years and my finding love and marriage somewhat late (I'm 37) seems to have irked them. My fiance is 12 years younger and they often make snarky remarks about my being a "Cougar" ... I have let that go as well but it really was quite a punch in the stomach and degrading to our relationship.
Posted by kc1987kc[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>But isn't getting married in a church a very fundamental belief? I don't have much experience but I have heard this among other Catholics before. I thought it was a pretty big deal. As in, your sister won't technically consider your marriage valid since it wasn't in a church.

</div>

Viczaesar · May 2011

Is the SF wedding a destination wedding for your two friends? Are their children welcome at the ceremony and reception? Because if it's a ways away, and if you're expecting the single mothers to leave their children behind, I can understand them not being able to attend. Even if they can bring their children, if they have to travel to your wedding that's not an insignificant cost.

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

Ugh. I don't have the energy for this.

Did your BM's know you were going to have an OOT wedding when you asked them? Regardless of how far in advance you asked them, if they were expecting a local wedding versus an OOT one, that makes a HUGE difference in financial committment, and I can't say I blame them for backing out. That doesn't make them bad friends or bad people. Disappointing? Absolutely. But a reason to end the friendship? Not in my opinion. Do you know whether or not there was sudden unexpected expenses on their part that made it a burden? I just had the brake housing on my car literally fall apart, and that set me back close to $500 when you include the tow I had to call... so yeah, I'd probably be forced to bail on a friend's wedding too.

I find it really sad that your FI's first reaction is to say "we don't need any more evidence that they really don't give a s%^! about me." I had a falling out with one of my closest friends last fall (over what I felt was quite a betrayal), and FI (BF at the time) was the first to tell me "You should text/message/call her and work this out."

As for this gem: "They did nothing to help me with dress shopping, planning, sorting through details."

The only thing BM's are required to do is show up sober, on time in the appropriate dress. It being YOUR wedding, it is YOUR responsibility (with your FI) to plan and sort through details. If you need help, ask him to pick up some slack. It's great if your BM's offer to help, but it is an unrealistic expectation. They have lives outside of your wedding.

Ghoti · May 2011

Most single mothers I know are not rollin in the dough. An across the country flight for 2 (mother and child) is about 400-600 dollars alone. Add a dress, hotel (even half) food etc, you're talking about 1000 for your trip. Also add time off work and 2 5-7 hour flights in 3-4 days with a child, yuck. And while it sure would be nice if they could come up with that in 5 months (because you often have to buy tickets 2-3 months out), well if they can't do it, they can't do it.

Tiger_Tammer · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:d399915a-2dc6-4961-bddd-6b30d6e0e6b9">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]Most single mothers I know are not rollin in the dough. An across the country flight for 2 (mother and child) is about 400-600 dollars alone. Add a dress, hotel (even half) food etc, you're talking about 1000 for your trip. Also add time off work and 2 5-7 hour flights in 3-4 days with a child, yuck. And while it sure would be nice if they could come up with that in 5 months (because you often have to buy tickets 2-3 months out), well if they can't do it, they can't do it.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

While all of this could quite possibly be true, there could have been a way better way of going about it...to me it sounds like they were being pretty cold and Callus friends to the bride. I think the bride is totally justified for feeling how she does.
Kellybrian...I have nothing for you. You sound like you would fit in with this Brides crappy friends and their crappy attitudes.

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:ef6ecbfe-e828-4fb0-94e9-804f3ad9a4ca">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy? : While all of this could quite possibly be true, there could have been a way better way of going about it...to me it sounds like they were being pretty cold and Callus friends to the bride. I think the bride is totally justified for feeling how she does. <strong>Kellybrian...I have nothing for you. You sound like you would fit in with this Brides crappy friends and their crappy attitudes.
</strong>Posted by Tiger_Tammer[/QUOTE]

And you sound like you'd fit in with this inconsiderate bridezilla and her non-understanding FI.

Where in my reply would I be a "crappy friend" or have a "crappy attitude"? That is an honest question because frankly, I don't see it.

Oh, and for the record, it's "callous", not callus.

Tiger_Tammer · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:7551cf53-8087-48aa-b290-82217c455fe3">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy? : And you sound like you'd fit in with this inconsiderate bridezilla and her non-understanding FI. Where in my reply would I be a "crappy friend" or have a "crappy attitude"? That is an honest question because frankly, I don't see it. <strong>Oh, and for the record, it's "callous", not callus.
</strong>Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

So I missed a spelling error, but you did once again prove to have a crappy attitude. At least your consistent, gotta give you that!

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:4443ac1e-d4b7-40c9-a643-3dda3a761ea4">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy? : So I missed a spelling error, but you did once again prove to have a crappy attitude. At least your consistent, gotta give you that!
Posted by Tiger_Tammer[/QUOTE]

Could you provide a straight answer to my question in my last post? TYIA.

Tiger_Tammer · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:4561e12c-705b-4290-8f0b-c1c4578104ad">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy? : Could you provide a straight answer to my question in my last post? TYIA.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

"Ugh, I don't have the energy for this"....crappy attitude
"As for this gem"....crappy attitude

Your very first sentence set the tone for your post. You had a crappy attitude. it may have been a very honest post, but like the brides friends, there could have been a different way to go about expressing it. However, the freedom of speech allows you to post what you want and how you want, but I get the freedom to judge your posts as you have mine. Oh, the perks...and the crappy attitudes.

But as you have stated "ugh, i don't have the energy", literally. Have a goodnight arguing with yourself because I'm off to bed!

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:5cb50f13-0145-4828-ba0d-c8feecfb13be">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy? : "Ugh, I don't have the energy for this"....crappy attitude "As for this gem"....crappy attitude Your very first sentence set the tone for your post. You had a crappy attitude. it may have been a very honest post, but like the brides friends, there could have been a different way to go about expressing it. However, the freedom of speech allows you to post what you want and how you want, but I get the freedom to judge your posts as you have mine. Oh, the perks...and the crappy attitudes. But as you have stated "ugh, i don't have the energy", literally. Have a goodnight arguing with yourself because I'm off to bed!
Posted by Tiger_Tammer[/QUOTE]

Some people are entirely too sensitive to be posting on a public forum.

jeng507 · May 2011

OP- I would b devastated if that happened to me! I'm so sorry! It sounds to me that you are handling all this very well though....try to just think of the end result- you'll be married to your best friend! I agree with PP in that you definitely need to reevaluate your relationship with those friends, they are obviously not very supportive of you and your happiness.

As for KellyBrian, I completely agree with what Tiger_Tammer said. You are obviously a very negative person....isn't the whole point of having a whole wedding ceremony with a bridal party to have your closest friends stand up next to you and support you? If you didn't really care if your BM's showed up then why not just get married at a courthouse?? And I think its hilarious that you specifically asked Tigger to point out how you had a crappy attitude, and she did just that and your response is that people are too sensitive?? Maybe your just a b!tch...just sayin

kc1987kc · May 2011

I can see everyone's points. I really can. When I said I was hoping for a little BM 'help' I think the word I was looking for was support. Not talking everyday or week, but just some 'knowing' that they were excited for me and the day FI and I planned.

Re: Destination: Yes, they knew before I asked them. Just that they've suggested I get married on a different date or a different place seems off to me. I've been a BM several times, and a MOH once, both when I was either broke in college or several years ago after I was diagnosed with MS, and I do recall thinking, "Can I make this work?" It is a financial sacrifice for sure. But I also saw it as a special honor, and way to be supportive and show my girlfriends how valuable they were to me. I don't ever remember thinking, "Someone needs to pay for my dress, shoes, hair, airfare and transportation."

Re: Costs: I spelled out the costs to these women. I said it would be $600-$800 all together. Understandable if they do not have it and do not want to be in the bridal party...but they've had PLENTY of notice and at any time in the last 4-5 months they could have let me know so I'm not without BMs.

Re: Children. One girl's child is 18 years old and heading off to college. The other has 2 girls who I love with all my heart and all of their children were definitely invited.We are only having 40 people at our wedding, so for me to say her, her ex-husband and her two kids could come was 4 guests total, and I was definitely happy to include all of them.

Re: FI should have said, "Work it out..." etc. He has seen these friends treat me poorly in the past, but I always defend them and say "that's just how they are." Meanwhile, I've realized that I've let some really wonderful girlfriendships go to the wayside while I was trying to keep my clan from childhood intact. I think it would be one thing if they said, "I am really sorry that I can't be a BM because I really wanted to be there in that way for you." or if they weren't a BM but still could come to our wedding, even that would show love and support. The truth is they wanted to be BMs and asked ME if they could be BMs, and then waited too long to bail. My FI saw how devastated I was and he was sort of saying 'enoughs enough.' He's very gentle and so to make it sound like he was being rude or pushing me in the wrong direction is kinda funny.

Re: Parties, etc. I never expected them to throw me a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. In fact, I prefer they didn't because I know per usual I'd just end up footing the entire bill.

Re: Sister--Yes, essentially, that is what she's saying..."I don't recognize your marriage because it's not in the catholic church." She told me she would stand next to me when we got our marriage blessed (later on) and I said, "I won't need a MOH for that!"

Re: Kings Wedding---I love that idea! Thank you! yes, my FI has 3 groomsmen already picked out. His friends (both college students) both said, "Just tell us where and when!"

Bottom line: I'm someone who cares about others more than they care for me. Even my mother is not interested in being involved in the wedding, going with me to find a dress, all of the things I really dreamed of. I have chosen my friends poorly and mostly out of some weird loyalty to our past. I thought a special event like this might 'change' my friends and family, but I can see it does not and that is my problem. I am looking forward to being married, and becoming more mature in my friend choices. I am genuinely sad things turned out as they did, and for all the times I've been there for them, I just don't care to 'work it out'. I'm the one who made an error for having them as friends in the first place, and that's something I need to realize, form better friendships with kind people and move on.

Thanks everyone for helping me get this off my chest. I basically wanted to know what other brides might have thought. It's good to get feedback on a situation that's hard to see objectively.

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:f685d97f-bc86-41a9-92ad-a45d2d9e3bb6">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can see everyone's points. I really can. When I said I was hoping for a little BM 'help' I think the word I was looking for was support. Not talking everyday or week, but just some 'knowing' that they were excited for me and the day FI and I planned. Re: Destination: Yes, they knew before I asked them. Just that they've suggested I get married on a different date or a different place seems off to me. I've been a BM several times, and a MOH once, both when I was either broke in college or several years ago after I was diagnosed with MS, and I do recall thinking, "Can I make this work?" It is a financial sacrifice for sure. But I also saw it as a special honor, and way to be supportive and show my girlfriends how valuable they were to me. I don't ever remember thinking, "Someone needs to pay for my dress, shoes, hair, airfare and transportation." Re: Costs: I spelled out the costs to these women. I said it would be $600-$800 all together. Understandable if they do not have it and do not want to be in the bridal party...but they've had PLENTY of notice and at any time in the last 4-5 months they could have let me know so I'm not without BMs. Re: Children. One girl's child is 18 years old and heading off to college. The other has 2 girls who I love with all my heart and all of their children were definitely invited.We are only having 40 people at our wedding, so for me to say her, her ex-husband and her two kids could come was 4 guests total, and I was definitely happy to include all of them. Re: FI should have said, "Work it out..." etc. He has seen these friends treat me poorly in the past, but I always defend them and say "that's just how they are." Meanwhile, I've realized that I've let some really wonderful girlfriendships go to the wayside while I was trying to keep my clan from childhood intact. I think it would be one thing if they said, "I am really sorry that I can't be a BM because I really wanted to be there in that way for you." or if they weren't a BM but still could come to our wedding, even that would show love and support. The truth is they wanted to be BMs and asked ME if they could be BMs, and then waited too long to bail. My FI saw how devastated I was and he was sort of saying 'enoughs enough.' He's very gentle and so to make it sound like he was being rude or pushing me in the wrong direction is kinda funny. Re: Parties, etc. I never expected them to throw me a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. In fact, I prefer they didn't because I know per usual I'd just end up footing the entire bill. Re: Sister--Yes, essentially, that is what she's saying..."I don't recognize your marriage because it's not in the catholic church." She told me she would stand next to me when we got our marriage blessed (later on) and I said, "I won't need a MOH for that!" Re: Kings Wedding---I love that idea! Thank you! yes, my FI has 3 groomsmen already picked out. His friends (both college students) both said, "Just tell us where and when!" Bottom line: I'm someone who cares about others more than they care for me. Even my mother is not interested in being involved in the wedding, going with me to find a dress, all of the things I really dreamed of. I have chosen my friends poorly and mostly out of some weird loyalty to our past. I thought a special event like this might 'change' my friends and family, but I can see it does not and that is my problem. I am looking forward to being married, and becoming more mature in my friend choices. I am genuinely sad things turned out as they did, and for all the times I've been there for them, I just don't care to 'work it out'. I'm the one who made an error for having them as friends in the first place, and that's something I need to realize, form better friendships with kind people and move on. Thanks everyone for helping me get this off my chest. I basically wanted to know what other brides might have thought. It's good to get feedback on a situation that's hard to see objectively.
Posted by kc1987kc[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you're feeling better... sometimes it does feel good just to put things out there.

RE: "Support" - weddings aren't something you should need support for. You're marrying the man of your dreams (I'd hope) and planning an awesome party. That's the way you need to look at it. Support is for when a family member dies, you get a bad health diagnosis, etc.

RE: "I spelled out the costs to these women. I said it would be $600-$800 all together." Did you ask them - before spelling out these costs - what they could afford? In the excitement of a friend getting engaged and including me in the WP, I could see where I might be like "Yes, I'd love to!" and then realize as expenses start to add up that "Oh crap. I might not be able to pull this off after all."

RE: "One girl's child is 18 years old and heading off to college. The other has 2 girls who I love with all my heart and all of their children were definitely invited" When I turned 18 and left for college is when I was one of the largest financial burdens on my parents... college is expensive, and even with a hefty financial aid package from my college of choice, my parents were helping to foot the bill for the rest of my $29,000 per year schooling. Traveling with 2 children is likewise expensive, as is childcare. Especially when you consider the time off of work that is almost certainly required to travel for an OOT wedding. Please try to be more understanding of the financial situations of these women.

Again, you don't necessarily know if there are some sudden expenses that these women incurred. You don't know what their household income looks like. Especially if you did not ask them what their budgets were (I don't know if you did or not), you really have no place to judge how they spend their money or what is/is not affordable for them. Traveling to an OOT wedding even when you are not a part of the WP is expensive...

jeng5077 · May 2011

OP- I would be devastated if that happened to me! I'm so sorry! It sounds to me that you are handling all this very well though....try to just think of the end result- you'll be married to your best friend! I agree with PP in that you definitely need to reevaluate your relationship with those friends, they are obviously not very supportive of you and your happiness.

As for KellyBrian, I completely agree with what Tiger_Tammer said. You are obviously a very negative person....isn't the whole point of having a whole wedding ceremony with a bridal party to have your closest friends stand up next to you and support you? If you didn't really care if your BM's showed up then why not just get married at a courthouse?? And I think its hilarious that you specifically asked Tigger to point out how you had a crappy attitude, and she did just that and your response is that people are too sensitive?? Maybe your just a b!tch...just sayin

kc1987kc · May 2011

KellyBrian,

Honestly Tiger_Tamer is right. No offense, but actually you do seem as bitter as my former BMs. I'm not here to battle this out or make them wrong. I'm just dealing with the aftershock of what's happened the best that I can.

I respectfully disagree about the 'support' comment...As I said before, I have been there for nearly all of the major milestones of their lives, even if it meant flying there, hotel, car, etc. Support is very important during wedding planning...I'm not talking about calling every day or even every week, but it sure helps to email a dress and ask for a second opinion, or have your close friends at your wedding to meet your future family, mother in law, sister in laws, etc. I've been in my friends lives for a lot more than death. Joyful moments matter, too.

Finances: You're right. I don't know if they suddenly incurred some major expenses, but if I chose my bridesmaids by some sudden financial mishap that might possibly occur in the future, no bride would ever ask any friend to be a BM. Life is unpredictible and the very best I could do was offer for them to choose the style, price, color or their dresses, pay half of their hotel expenses (yes for their kids, too) and let them know that ballpark expenses for shoes, dresses, transportation would be about $600-$800. I think I did the best I could to act with integrity given their situations.

I appreciate hearing all sides of this and you've definitely given me some things to think about. But I don't understand why you're still contributing to this post when the very first thing you said was, "Ugh. I don't have the energy for this..."

jeng5077 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:92ae3a32-05d1-4307-a16a-0d315b7ebda8">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]KellyBrian, Honestly Tiger_Tamer is right. No offense, but actually you do seem as bitter as my former BMs. I'm not here to battle this out or make them wrong. I'm just dealing with the aftershock of what's happened the best that I can. I respectfully disagree about the 'support' comment...As I said before, I have been there for nearly all of the major milestones of their lives, even if it meant flying there, hotel, car, etc. Support is very important during wedding planning...I'm not talking about calling every day or even every week, but it sure helps to email a dress and ask for a second opinion, or have your close friends at your wedding to meet your future family, mother in law, sister in laws, etc. I've been in my friends lives for a lot more than death. Joyful moments matter, too. Finances: You're right. I don't know if they suddenly incurred some major expenses, but if I chose my bridesmaids by some sudden financial mishap that might possibly occur in the future, no bride would ever ask any friend to be a BM. Life is unpredictible and the very best I could do was offer for them to choose the style, price, color or their dresses, pay half of their hotel expenses (yes for their kids, too) and let them know that ballpark expenses for shoes, dresses, transportation would be about $600-$800. I think I did the best I could to act with integrity given their situations. I appreciate hearing all sides of this and you've definitely given me some things to think about. But I don't understand why you're still contributing to this post when the very first thing you said was, "Ugh. I don't have the energy for this..."
Posted by kc1987kc[/QUOTE]

very well said! Honestly I think some of these girls on these boards are just posting to disagree with you in any way that they can just to get a rise out of you...and then all their "already married knottie" friends join in and tear you to shreds for no reason what-so-ever. OP you definitely have a right to be upset and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And honestly you're dealing with it WAY better than most people would, including me! Good luck with your wedding, I'm sure it will still be perfect, maybe even better without the jealous bitter "friends". :)

peanutty2 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:92ae3a32-05d1-4307-a16a-0d315b7ebda8">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]KellyBrian, Honestly Tiger_Tamer is right. No offense, but actually you do seem as bitter as my former BMs. I'm not here to battle this out or make them wrong. I'm just dealing with the aftershock of what's happened the best that I can. <strong>I respectfully disagree about the 'support' comment...As I said before, I have been there for nearly all of the major milestones of their lives, even if it meant flying there, hotel, car, etc. Support is very important during wedding planning...I'm not talking about calling every day or even every week, but it sure helps to email a dress and ask for a second opinion, or have your close friends at your wedding to meet your future family, mother in law, sister in laws, etc.<em> I've been in my friends lives for a lot more than death. Joyful moments matter, too. </em></strong> Finances: You're right. I don't know if they suddenly incurred some major expenses, but if I chose my bridesmaids by some sudden financial mishap that might possibly occur in the future, no bride would ever ask any friend to be a BM. Life is unpredictible and the very best I could do was offer for them to choose the style, price, color or their dresses, pay half of their hotel expenses (yes for their kids, too) and let them know that ballpark expenses for shoes, dresses, transportation would be about $600-$800. I think I did the best I could to act with integrity given their situations. I appreciate hearing all sides of this and you've definitely given me some things to think about. But I don't understand why you're still contributing to this post when the very first thing you said was, "Ugh. I don't have the energy for this..."
Posted by kc1987kc[/QUOTE]
Said perfectly IMO. I never really understood the whole "bms just need to show up sober in a dress" thing and that you only need "support" when someone dies (for example). BMs are supposed to be your friends first.
I think it sounds like you are handling this very well and have done all that you can. As you said, maybe they did have additional expenses, but there's no reason they couldn't of approached it differently or tried to work something out.
Unfortunately what is done is done. Try not to stress over it and just focus on what matters most :) Good luck!

MelissaAnne88 · May 2011

I'm sorry your BMs bailed on you. I see some valid reasoning in the excuses they gave you, but that doesn't help the fact that you're sad that they won't be there.

If you believe their reasons are not real, and they're just making up excuses for bailing, then maybe you need to sit down and have a "heart to heart" with them? Don't make it all about the wedding, but make sure that there isn't something that needs to be done to help the friendship?

The friendship is more important than whether or not they are your BMs. I hope that you're able to talk with them and salvage the friendships. It's so sad to see a friendship fall apart

Good luck!

cbratthauer · May 2011

I'm sorry for what you are going through! It sounds like you let them know it was an out of town wedding, and you are being very accommodating as far as dresses/hotel costs go. They should have thought about the costs when you asked them. I have a friend who lives out of town that is in my bridal party as well. I was worried she might not be able to afford it because they have 3 kids and her hubby is not working right now, but she is my best friend so I asked her and told her I would help her out with costs as well if it meant she could do it. She won't even let me help with her dress! I feel for everybody on here that has unsupportive bridal parties. It really makes me feel luckier with my own. I think being supportive is part of the package of being in a bridal party despite what other people on here think. I hope everything works out for you and keep your head up, remember, what matters most is you will be marrying your true love!

dragossoul84 · May 2011

Kellybrian does have good advice to give on a lot of posts. And an out of town wedding with children when your a single mother is hugely expensive. Should they have come to you prior and said that it wasnt an expense they could manage yes but you really should have sat down and talked to them about a true budget. As for your sister its rough my sister is bailing on my wedding to spend a week with her bf since my folks will be out of town at my wedding. It hurts but at least your sisters reason is based on her beliefs you choose to not go through what needed to be done for a church wedding and your sister is clearly incredibly devote knowing her and her beliefs you should have known were she stood on this issue.

marinabreeze · May 2011

I agree with KellyBrian and dragossoul. Even if you don't like her "attitude," KB has a point. You really should at least consider what she's saying instead of being hung up on whether or not it came in a "friendly" package..

Being a single parent is demanding and expensive. Truth be told, $6-800 can be high, particularly for a single parent, and you're not their bank or financial analyst. You really should have been considerate of their situations. You shouldn't expect your friends to go into debt for your demands. And even if you think you know their situations, you don't have dibs on their money.

BTW, What does that $6-800 that you quoted them include?

It's okay to feel bad that your friends dropped out, but if they're both saying it's too expensive, you really should consider their position. If the expense is travel, then that's unfortunately the risk you take when you choose to have a DW.

lazydayz2003 · May 2011

That is quite a situation and I am sorry that you have to deal with that. You are handling things very well though! I know that everything will work out and your wedding will be the best day of your life, even without the "friends". I agree with you totally that you gave them enough of a notice in advance, a budget ect. And for them to wait until less than 3 months before the wedding to bail is just unacceptable. Maybe you should call and see if there was anything that you could have done differently to have had them at the wedding. Maybe there is something bothering them. Could be jealousy, could be expenses, who knows. And I agree with the others that KellyBrian is way out of line. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but to start the post with "Ugh. I don't have the energy for this." well then why dont you just NOT respond if you "dont have the energy". I know it's really hard to be a B itch, isn't it?

missjean81302 · May 2011

WOW! When I was reading your post, I started to cry! NO bride should have to go through some SH*T like that! Then its followed by a bunch of ppl siding with these "friends" of yours?! OMG....I wanna just give you a hug right now.

Here's my suggestion: Ask your future SIL's and have a beautiful wedding like you wanted. You will probably feel horrible if your man has his groomsmen up there and you have nobody. This day is for YOU and your FI, nobody else!!!!!!!!!!! YOU deserve the wedding of your dreams! If you live far away from your "friends" then its probably a good thing. They obviously dont have their sh*t together and you do. I'm not saying cut them off, but definitely distance yourself from them. What is a friend who doesnt seem to care at all about you? Honestly, if I had friends who did that to me, it would be OVER in a heartbeat. Cuz that is seriously BS....I can't express that enough! I feel sooooo bad for you and like I said just talk to your FSIL's and I'm sure they will understand. And bless your heart for considering not asking them because you dont want them to feel "second best". You sound like you are a very sweet and nurtuing person and I'm sure they will completely understand. I hope it all works out for you!!!!

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:18313c69-be42-4279-9df9-2e852208a673">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]That is quite a situation and I am sorry that you have to deal with that. You are handling things very well though! I know that everything will work out and your wedding will be the best day of your life, even without the "friends". I agree with you totally that you gave them enough of a notice in advance, a budget ect. And for them to wait until less than 3 months before the wedding to bail is just unacceptable. Maybe you should call and see if there was anything that you could have done differently to have had them at the wedding. Maybe there is something bothering them. Could be jealousy, could be expenses, who knows. And I agree with the others that KellyBrian is way out of line. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but to start the post with "Ugh. I don't have the energy for this." well then why dont you just NOT respond if you "dont have the energy".<strong> I know it's really hard to be a B itch, isn't it?
</strong>Posted by lazydayz2003[/QUOTE]

No, not really.

But it gets very tiresome reading (and responding to) the countless posts on these boards with brides whining about how "awful" their being treated when it never occurs to them that perhaps they themselves aren't acting like friends.

I fully understand being disappointed that your wedding party bailed. I would be too. But that's about where it ends. Part of the risk you run with an OOT wedding is that people won't be able to afford it. OP doesn't know their financial situation. So for her to judge these women for saying they can't afford to come is really sad - it's not a sign of being a good friend (any more than their canceling on semi-short notice). It sounds like there are issues with the friendships to begin with that extend beyond the wedding.

But unfortunately, there is a tendency with people (especially on these boards) to hyper-focus on how relationship affect the WEDDING, as opposed to how the wedding affects the relationship. People fail to focus on friends as FRIENDS, and instead focus on them as "wedding party members". OP would be better off to examine things from the standpoint of a FRIEND than a BRIDE.

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_entire-bridal-party-bailedam-upset-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:18a4e714-c64e-45bd-bf3c-d130a34dd3a2Post:8f2e52e2-54f7-47a2-a111-dc37c38dc4a8">Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?</a>:
[QUOTE]WOW! When I was reading your post, I started to cry! NO bride should have to go through some SH*T like that! Then its followed by a bunch of ppl siding with these "friends" of yours?! OMG....I wanna just give you a hug right now. Here's my suggestion: Ask your future SIL's and have a beautiful wedding like you wanted. You will probably feel horrible if your man has his groomsmen up there and you have nobody. <strong>This day is for YOU and your FI, nobody else!!!!!!!!!!!</strong> YOU deserve the wedding of your dreams! If you live far away from your "friends" then its probably a good thing. They obviously dont have their sh*t together and you do. I'm not saying cut them off, but definitely distance yourself from them. What is a friend who doesnt seem to care at all about you? Honestly, if I had friends who did that to me, it would be OVER in a heartbeat. Cuz that is seriously BS....I can't express that enough! I feel sooooo bad for you and like I said just talk to your FSIL's and I'm sure they will understand. And bless your heart for considering not asking them because you dont want them to feel "second best". You sound like you are a very sweet and nurtuing person and I'm sure they will completely understand. I hope it all works out for you!!!! <3
Posted by missjean81302[/QUOTE]

How old are you missjean?

Your wedding day fails to be "just about you" (and your FI) the moment you involve other people... which you do when you invite people as guests and ask people to be in a wedding party.

kc1987kc · May 2011

Honestly, the The $600-800 I told them was ballparked high because I didn't want to deal with their whining. I quoted based on a $169-$193 RT plane ticket (they live driving distance, but it would be less time to fly), airport transportation (gas, shuttle), dress (I would pay for, but if they wanted to pay for their own $150), alterations, hotel (for 2 or 3 nights $300 with me paying half), shoes (no more than $60), bras/underthings ($20-60), hair ($30- which I was paying for). For jewerly, I already bought each of them a silver charm necklace engraved from Tiffany's, and for my sister, I bought a gorgeous Tiffany necklace with a drop silver cross--I really knew she would just love it!! Her necklace alone was $218. So my estimate for BMs was actually high and trying to consider every little thing (like a bra..?) and I was budget-minded for everything including shoes and hotel and travel. I chose the dresses I wanted and because they cost too much didn't tell them and let them pick their own.....And not to mention the day they said yes it was followed up by their various body issues, how much they hate their arms, or stomachs, or legs. All normal, yes, but to hear how they "pigged out" for eating frozen yogurt and line-item detail of their daily diets, I mean, really?? These girls weigh no more than 125 pounds and are about a size 4-6. I'm a size 12. Higher than my normal 8, but like I said, I've had some health (mobility) problems. I didn't come on here to bitch or be a hater, but just to share a situation that really rocked my world and made me very sad.

I take full responsibility now that the situation is laid out in front of me and I can look at it big picture. These are friends I've been giving, giving, giving to for years (yes, money) all the while being told I don't understand their single motherness because I don't have a child of my own. They're 37 years old, they have good-paying jobs (and one still lives in government housing working the system) the other gets alimony for her ex who is a "millionaire" (her words, not mine). These are not girls who are hurting for money, they are just very CHEAP. I could give examples, (um, giving me conditioner samples for a christmas gift) but I think we've all had the cheap friend who leaves everyone with the check and feels totally entitled because they got knocked up and dumped and now hate men and most of mankind because of it.

Of course *rolls eyes* I know the wedding is not about Me. And a wedding is not the marriage. And this post is not about you, KB. I have acted like a friend. I'm their self-described "BFF" and in no universe does this seem sane. And P.S. Nobody on here Needs to hear your snarky opinion or grammatical corrections. This isn't your "tiresome" JOB, so don't do us any favors by "reading (and responding to) countless posts" You don't know me. Or my FI. I mean, what kind of person assumes the worst of others? "It gets very tiresome reading (and responding to) the countless posts on these boards with brides whining about how "awful" their being treated when it never occurs to them that perhaps they themselves aren't acting like friends."

I should have never put myself in the position to be dumped on by either of them, my oldest friends. I certainly have other friends but I chose the childhood friends over the others, and now I'm not about to insult my real friends by asking them just after my BMs bailed. Or my five FSIL. I recently did ask my college friend and she (happily!) agreed to be a BM, and she's 26 single mother with a 2 year old. Even she thought my other friends were out of line.

My FI says I should ask my FSIL (who have 6 children between them and are still overly-excited and thrilled to go to the wedding). I'm going to think about it. My birthday is tomorrow and I'll see them and maybe I'll just tell them straight out what happened and also that I wouldn't want them to feel second best. They have come with me to a bridal show and wedding dress appointment, so I know how much they really care. My FI says they're planning my shower too because they know my sister and mom could care less. And because they love me!:)

I appreciate hearing all sides of this. Sort of got blindsided and I think it helps for me to spell out all the ways I've been niave.

kc1987kc · May 2011

And P.S.S. It really doesn't matter 'how old' missjean is. I'm 37 and my FI is 25; age really doesn't matter. But Thanks KB, It's nice of you to tell us that you're an ageist along with everything else, and hate on every little detail equally.

My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?

Re: My ENTIRE Bridal Party has bailed...Am I Upset or Crazy?

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