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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Send the money back?

My wedding is Saturday and we gave our final count/paid in full at the venue on Tuesday morning. Tuesday night a friend of mine texted and said her and husband can't come. I said ok fine, and she said she wanted to send me a check "for their plates" I said no way and I didn't get another text from her after that. Today 3 more people canceled and as luck would have it all 5 of our cancellations were at the same table leaving that table with just 4 people. My tables are between 8 and 12 so I decided I needed to rewrite place cards and nix this table. I called the venue and explained that I would be bringing a few new place cards tomorrow morning and had to switch some out. Our reception starts at 5:30 and our ceremony is at a church, if anyone arrives early and orders a drink we said to start a tab and we would pay it (we have open bar starting at 5:30 but didn't want anyone paying for anything so any drinks ordered before 5:30 will go on a tab for us to pay). The owner told me on the phone today that since we had these cancellations we could put that $500 towards that possible bar bill, which is great! I assumed we were out of luck with those who canceled. Then I got my mail today and found a check from the friend who canceled! There was no card just a post it that said "sorry" and a check for $300 which I'm assuming is "for their plates" do I send this back? I feel like it wasn't a wedding gift it was a bill payment and it feels awkward. WWYD?
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Re: Send the money back?

  • I'd send it back.  If it was meant to be a gift, I'm sure she'd put it in a card, not just stick a post it on it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • That's pretty awkward. She should have just sent you a wedding card with the check in it, which would make it a generous gift. Which it is anyway, but the way she went about it is weird. I don't think I'd send it back... I'd probably just write a thank you card like it was any other gift.
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  • I think it would be just as awkward to send it back.  I'd just write a nice thank you note like you would do for any other gift.
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  • Send it back? She sent you a wedding gift. Sure, it could've been in nicer packaging (at least a card!). But I'd be pretty insulted if someone sent my gift back. Would you send it back if she canceled & didn't mention anything about 'covering her plate'? A lot of people who can't attend still send a gift. This is no different. She just clearly doesn't believe in cards?
  • Maybe I would feel better about it if the post it said something other than just "sorry" on it lol. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Just write the TY and treat it like any other gift.  Like PP said, would you feel weird about it if she hadn't mentioned paying and had put it in a card with "sorry we can't make it"?  To me that's what she's done, she just made it less formal and more awkward.
  • I mean, she handled it a bit awkwardly, but it's a really nice gesture!  Send a TY as if it was a wedding gift, and include in the note what you are planning to use it for/towards
  • I agree, cash it and send a thank you.  If you send it back, she might think you are pissy about her not coming and you that's why you aren't accepting her gift.
  • Cash it and send a thank you for the generous wedding gift.  One of you guys has to get off the awkward train...may as well be you.  

    If you send it back, as she has already sent it, I just don't see it ending there.  She is not going to say "oh, ok then" but rather is going to ask why you sent it back.  Much less likely she will ask why you sent a thank you card.  She may interpret it as a thanks for paying for her plate, but either way, I would think it will end there.
    Anniversary
  • Did this friend already send you a wedding gift? If so I can understand how this would be extra awkward, but if not then by all means consider it a wedding gift (despite the 'packaging'!) and send a TY card.

    If it still feels like payment for their dinners, maybe suggest the 4 of you get together for a nice meal after your honeymoon; they can hear about the wedding and you can surprise them by picking up the bill.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_send-the-money-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f23fc7d-a453-46bc-9d3b-83d4ec1f11fcPost:dbe31b6d-1d5f-453c-ae92-f40528a454e9">Re: Send the money back?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Did this friend already send you a wedding gift? If so I can understand how this would be extra awkward, but if not then by all means consider it a wedding gift (despite the 'packaging'!) and send a TY card. If it still feels like payment for their dinners, maybe suggest the 4 of you get together for a nice meal after your honeymoon; they can hear about the wedding and you can surprise them by picking up the bill.
    Posted by lmcooper86[/QUOTE]

    I really like this advice to send a handwritten TYcard and include a suggestion for everyone getting together for a meal either at a restaurant or even inviting them over to you and your DH's house for a nice dinner.
  • If this friend is anything like mine, you'll send it back, she'll send it back to you, you'll send it back...you get it.  You'll both be spending a fortune on stamps!!!  I'd accept is as a wedding gift and send her a lovely thank you card.

    However, SCORE with your venue giving you the money towards the pre-reception bar tab!  That's not common, at least where I am.  Also, I want to commend you for opening a bar tab before your open bar started...That's really nice of you to do for your guests and I'm sure it'll be well-appreciated.
  • Hrm, the timing on this makes the situation extra awkward.  Honestly you should contact her again before cashing the check.  Because the last she knew, you both were texting, and you declined the money.  If she took this at face value, and shifted money in her account, your attempt to cash the check would cause further issues.

    Just call her on the phone, and be very apologetic, and honest with her.  Say that the last time you spoke, it left things a bit willy nilly, and you didn't want to inconvenience her, or cause her trouble.  If she's a good friend, she'll understand.  She probably will still insist on you keeping the money anyway.
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