As Andrew and I peer down at the beautiful rings at our jeweler- I have a piece of luggage sitting next to my feet. As we turn to go, I yank at it’s handle. It is heavy- 100 pounds heavy, actually. So Andrew looks into my eyes and says, “Here- let me help you.”
This is one of the reasons I know he’s the one.
But I’m not ready for him to help me with my luggage. In fact, I don’t even want him to see my luggage! I’m so ashamed of it! I don’t want to talk about it. I felt scared and defensive when he tries to bring it up, which isn’t healthy for the relationship or me, for that matter.
So here are some questions I asked myself about my luggage this morning during my commute:
What is your luggage? Two year ago, I went to my gynecologist for cervical pain. It was discovered that I had a grapefruit sized tumor on my ovary. It was benign and I had it surgically removed 6 months later. However, ever since I’ve been hormonally imbalanced and have gained 100 pounds. My food intake hasn’t changed- nor my activity level. Yet I gained 100 pounds in two years. 100 pounds and bright None of my clothes fit anymore, and as if that wasn’t a big enough reminder- I know have bright red stretch marks on my tummy, arms and thighs.
What does your luggage look like? What is your luggage’s name? What does your luggage tell you? My luggage is new- only two years old. She’s a Loui Vuitton. Something I would never buy myself. For me, she represents society telling me that I’m not skinny enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not good enough. This is the worst thing she tells me…She whispers in my ear, “I don’t know how he is sure he loves you. You’re not even sure you love yourself.”
Her name is UBLoui, UBL for short. It stands for Uber Bi**h Loui.
How are you going to get rid of your luggage? Well- let’s face it- I’m not going to lose 100 pounds by the time Andrew proposes to me. But the more I realize that it is the luggage talking- trying to make me more insecure- the more I can tell UBLoui to shut up. I am good enough. I am beautiful enough. Andrew thinks so! So should I!
In the meantime, I’m going to decoupage her with images of things I am doing right- taking my vitamins everyday (this is HUGE for me), places I’ve walked, stickers for each time I’ve gone to the gym, and postcards of beautiful things that make me happy (hens, bees, nature). And when UBLoui stops being such a BIT**H- I’ll change her name to something nicer. And the more I leave her at home- I think someday she might be taken to the dump. I don’t really need her anyways. I’ve always preferred backpacks.
To be honest, this visualization has already helped me feel so much better about my insecurities that have been floating around during this “waiting for a ring” time.
Has anyone else felt insecurities during this time? Have you successfully battled them? Do you think this visualization would help you too? I know this is a kind of heavy topic for a Friday…but if it strikes a chord for you, it will give you the weekend to toss some ideas around.
Hope you all are doing well today!! I promise to me much more jovial in my other posts today! LOL!