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July 2011 Weddings

Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss

So there is a thread on E about parent's names on the wedding invite.   To sum it up (so you don't have to read all the snarkyass replies that are really uncalled for) basically the bride put her parents names' on the invites because they are hosting and now the MOG is upset that her name wasn't on it.  Honestly in this situation the bride sounds angry about not getting financial help from said MOG, but that is a whole different conversation in my mind.  So what do you think?  Whose name do you think should be on the invites?  Does birthing a child alone mean automatic name placing, or how about raising the kid?  Lets discuss...
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Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss

  • Honestly, If I were going to put my parents names on an invitation, I would put FIs parents names on the invitation too. Even if they were not contributing anything. I feel that it's just appropriate and they did support him for his entire life, are involved, etc. I doubt that is proper etiquette, etc but that it what I would do because I feel it is right.
  • edited October 2010
    I think that parent's contributing is something that should be acknowledged, but at the same time I understand not leaving FIs parents off.  That is why we are going with...
    Mr. and Mrs. Parents of the Bride
    request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter 
    Taryn
    to 
    Steven
    son of Mr. and Mrs. Father of the Groom 
    and Mr. and Mrs. Mother of the Groom


    I understand the whole mentality of "BUT FI's parents raised him!!!"  But to me that just isn't enough.  FI's mom has b!tched and complained for 2 years about our wedding not being in his hometown even though my parents are paying for it.  It has gotten to the point that she has told him she may not come because she can't afford to travel (its an 8 hr drive from her house) or that she is going to drive up that morning and drive home that night (meaning not come to rehearsal or the reception).  This has hurt FI's feelings and I don't think she understands this.  In examples like these I think it is totally acceptable to not include a set of parents, I mean why would a bride and groom want to explain to everyone they talk to why a set of parents isn't there? 
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  • I agree with PP. If you are going to include names then all the names need to be added . . financial contribution or not. I had originally planned to just put "together with their parents" because FI and I are paying but FMIL didn't really like that. So I am going to have my mom's name and FI's parents. I didn't matter that much to me so it wasn't worth a fight.
  • I say put both or put none. Why start things off by potentially causing a huge family rift?

    We're avoiding the whole issue by using the generic "together with their families".
  • I think that it is good to put both names on unless there was a really bad situation like abuse or something going on. If, for example, FI had been abused as a child and didn't want to include his violent step dad, then I don't think he should have to. 
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  • Even in a situation where there was upset, unless it was abuse as PP said, I think you put all or none. It's not gong to help a situation to leave someone off. That will only piss them off more and probably cause more issues. It's so not worth it. You pick your battles, right? If there wasn't abuse, abandonment, etc, no reason to start a fight.
  • I agree with everyone else. Seems kinda rude not to put both sets of parents down if your doing one. I don't think were doing either because our invites are kinda small and don't leave much room. Also because my father is deceased and both of FI's parents are remarried... Invitation might be a little bit overwhelming.

    006

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:836bf72d-33b8-4412-9f51-918a630854aa">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]Even in a situation where there was upset, unless it was abuse as PP said, I think you put all or none. It's not gong to help a situation to leave someone off. That will only piss them off more and probably cause more issues. It's so not worth it. You pick your battles, right? If there wasn't abuse, abandonment, etc, no reason to start a fight.
    Posted by Epolos89[/QUOTE]

    <div>To me, I don't think it is starting a fight, instead I think that it is an extension of tensions that are already present.  I mean guilt tripping your son when you never make an attempt to see him is pretty low.  How about in situations where the paying parents would be hurt that they aren't being acknowledged as hosts?  I would hope that grown adults wouldn't be petty enough to get upset over this, but at the same time we are discussing a situation where adults were upset about lack of recognition in the first place.  Now, I am not arguing to not include anyone in particular, but rather why aren't events like being seated at the ceremony and being listed in the program considered the recognition of parents when traditional invitations have been reserved for the hosting family/families?  </div>
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  • I agree..both or none.
    We also did the generic "together with our families.." because we are splitting the costs evenly between us and each of our parents..and my mom even said she doesn't want to make it look like they are doing the hosting when FI and I are doing the planning and we're all contributing equally.
    But when I first made the invite up with parents names on it there was no question to me to put both sets of parents on.
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  • we are doing:

    Mr. and Mrs. (My parents names)
    and
    Mrs. (FI's mom's name)
    request the honor of your presence....

    my parents are contributing a lot, and FI's mom is unsure if she can (she is older, as is FI and she has 5 children, 12 grandchildren, and 8 great-grandchildren - money doesn't come easily to her).  my mother actually mentioned to me that she doesn't think it would be right to leave her name off.

    we probably would have put it as liberty is doing it (putting her name after our names) but the invitation we picked out really didn't let us do that.

    i think because weddings are so different than they used to be, that's an etiquette rule that should be bent.  i mean, when my parents got married, my grandparents footed 100% of the bill.  now, FI and i are looking at footing 80%
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:f956bc21-716b-4e42-889e-f8d8692632b9">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that parent's contributing is something that should be acknowledged, but at the same time I understand not leaving FIs parents off.  That is why we are going with... Mr. and Mrs. Parents of the Bride request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter  Taryn to  Steven son of Mr. and Mrs. Father of the Groom  and Mr. and Mrs. Mother of the Groom I understand the whole mentality of "BUT FI's parents raised him!!!"  But to me that just isn't enough.  FI's mom has b!tched and complained for 2 years about our wedding not being in his hometown even though my parents are paying for it.  It has gotten to the point that she has told him she may not come because she can't afford to travel (its an 8 hr drive from her house) or that she is going to drive up that morning and drive home that night (meaning not come to rehearsal or the reception).  This has hurt FI's feelings and I don't think she understands this.  In examples like these I think it is totally acceptable to not include a set of parents, I mean why would a bride and groom want to explain to everyone they talk to why a set of parents isn't there? 
    Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

    Ditto to this all the way!!!
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    ~Mrs.~
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  • I don't think it is rude at all.  I hate the whole, they raised him thing.  It's so silly to me.  
    We're going with neutral wording because FI and I are paying for most of it.  My mom is helping out.  So, I'll make sure to get her a special gift and thank her during the toast.  FI's family will get nothing ad no thanks.  They've been very unsupportive. 
  • edited October 2010
    FI and I are paying for the ENTIRE wedding ourselves but we're still acknowledging both sets of parents on our invitation because:

    1. We believe it's a sign of respect for the people who raised us, love us unconditionally, and provided for us as children so that we were able to become the loving and respectful individuals that we each fell in love with.

    2. The economy sucks right now, so to expect parents to pay for a wedding and/or to single out the ones who ARE able to pay for one, versus the ones you can't, is totally inappropriate in my mind - it's either all or nothing... you should either mention both sets of parents or neither.

    3. Who really gives a rat's ass WHO is paying and/or hosting?  Is it really necessary to make that distinction on a wedding invitation?  Is a wedding invitation the place to showboat who has money and/or who is in a position in which they CAN help pay for a wedding?  I think not.  A wedding is a celebration of the union of two individuals... the payments mean nothing.

    Just my two cents.
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  • If I understand Liberty correctly, than I think I agree with her.  I don't think it's wrong or rude to leave off the names of anyone who is not hosting the wedding.  I think it's fine to add the parents' names if the bride and groom are hosting the event themselves, but I don't think it's rude to leave off one set of parents if they didn't contribute.

    I am very grateful for the fact that both of our parents are contributing to the wedding.  I want to include both sets of names on the invitation because I think it a way to show that gratitude. 

    The way I think of it is, if my parents hosted a an engagement party at their house for us why would FI's parents send out the invitations?  That would be weird.  A wedding invitation is just that- an invitation to a party.  It doesn't say anything about raising children to me.
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  • edited October 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:b12340dd-13bb-4f60-8df3-665851d6038c">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]If I understand Liberty correctly, than I think I agree with her.  I don't think it's wrong or rude to leave off the names of anyone who is not hosting the wedding.  I think it's fine to add the parents' names if the bride and groom are hosting the event themselves, but I don't think it's rude to leave off one set of parents if they didn't contribute. I am very grateful for the fact that both of our parents are contributing to the wedding.  I want to include both sets of names on the invitation because I think it a way to show that gratitude.  <strong>The way I think of it is, if my parents hosted a an engagement party at their house for us why would FI's parents send out the invitations?  That would be weird.  A wedding invitation is just that- an invitation to a party.  It doesn't say anything about raising children to me.</strong>
    Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]
    Your FI's parents wouldn't send out the invitations (not sure where that came from). 

    And the difference between an engagement party and a wedding is that an engagement party is just that  -- a party.  Whereas a wedding is a <u>ceremony</u> joining two families and two individuals with a party that just happens to take place afterwards.  If you really want to make the distinction that one person's parents are hosting, then it's fine to make that distinction AS LONG AS you include the other person's parents' names somewhere on the invitation as in, "John Smith, son of Mr. and Mrs. James Smith."  But to leave off the other person's parents' names completely is rude and disrespectful in my mind.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:9b9da9ac-ab81-4904-8b68-1350daffd5cc">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss : Your FI's parents wouldn't send out the invitations (not sure where that came from).  And the difference between an engagement party and a wedding is that an engagement party is just that  -- a party.  Whereas a wedding is a ceremony joining two families and two individuals with a party that just happens to take place afterwards.  If you really want to make the distinction that one person's parents are hosting, then it's fine to make that distinction AS LONG AS you include the other person's parents' names somewhere on the invitation as in, "John Smith, son of Mr. and Mrs. James Smith."  But to leave off the other person's parents' names completely is rude and disrespectful in my mind.
    Posted by peaches85[/QUOTE]

    I was just trying to think of an example.

    My point was, whether people like it or not, the names on the invitation indicate who is hosting the ceremony AND the party.  Most people probably dont' care who is hosting or whether they are "given credit" for it, but some people do.  I don't think it's WRONG to not include the names of people who are not hosting, but that doesn't mean I don't think there is a better way to include everyone (such as the "son of Mr. and Mrs. Groom's Parents" line).
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  • i reallydoubt anyone thinks too far into these things anymore. etiquette is old and often outdated. i think from a respect standpoint not a show off one but thats just me
  • edited October 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:12fcbf33-1560-428e-938b-98db04480488">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss : This ^ I would be ashamed if my parents felt the need to show off how much money they have, and that they are hosting the wedding- regardless of what etiquette says.
    Posted by libordke22[/QUOTE]
    This!! And what this was in reply to (Peaches)...

    I am trying to find the perfect way to include EVERYONE, including my stepdad, my dad, my FILs (also divorced) and not offend anyone by the order in which they are listed... LUCKILY, we have reasonable parents who I don't believe would be offended by any of this, or at least if they were in some way, they wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

    But, I still want to be as sensitive as possible to those who are being extremely generous and contributing, while making sure to respect all of the people who raised us and loved us... it just feels right to me, and why would I even want to risk hurting their feelings over something like this?

    Ours, I think are going to read:

    <em>Mr. & Mrs. MOB & Stepdad
    Ms. MOG
    Mr. & Mrs. FOG
    Mr. FOB
    request the honor of your presence
    at the marriage of
    </em>
    Incidentally, my dad (FOB) is the only one not contributing, because he can't, but I'm not going to insult him by making him the only one left out of this menagerie. Also, MOG & FOG are contributing equally, but just in our own personal situation, the mother would always go first- no question.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:a46f7833-b98f-410f-b870-671d2f6c17f2">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]i reallydoubt anyone thinks too far into these things anymore. etiquette is old and often outdated. i think from a respect standpoint not a show off one but thats just me
    Posted by Epolos89[/QUOTE]
    Exactly!  Back 200 years ago (or whatever date someone said earlier) when those etiquette rules were first established the world was a much different place.  Marriage among the elite (the ones who most often followed etiquette) was more comparable to a business transaction than the joining of two people in love and weddings were often a means by which to show off one's wealth to the neighbors than to celebrate the newlyweds.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:ad6fb466-e2ed-4cfd-b873-3d3651e27300">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss : Frugal or not- the fact was that you felt the need to throw in that you were hosting. Who cares? Why do you have to add that?
    Posted by libordke22[/QUOTE]
    Agreed.  It was an unnecessary addition to your post and simply solidified reasoning that if the ones contributing to a wedding feel they're the only ones entitled to have their names on the invitation, then they are nothing short of boastful.
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  • Why shouldn't she be proud that she can host her daughter's wedding?

    I get the other side, I really do.  By pointing out who is hosting (or paying) for the wedding, you're also pointing out who ISN'T hosting/paying and that could be hurtful if someone is financially unable to host a wedding.

    I just don't think it's wrong to be proud to be able to give your daughter a wedding or to follow tradition. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:ad6fb466-e2ed-4cfd-b873-3d3651e27300">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss : Frugal or not- the fact was that you felt the need to throw in that you were hosting. Who cares? Why do you have to add that?
    Posted by libordke22[/QUOTE]
    exactly. it has nothing to do with the fact that you are hosting its the fact you felt the need to point it out. great for you that you can do that, doesnt meaanything in this except as peaches said, the bostfulness of some families. 
  • A wedding is a hosted affair. And hosts are responsible for issuing invitations. The wording of the invitation, like it or not, identifies who is hosting the wedding. While it's a thoughtful gesture to indicate who the parents are, the purpose of the invitation is not, IMO, to identify all the people who have raised or birthed the couple.

    My parents are not in a position to contribute or host our wedding. My FMIL does not believe the groom's parents should pay for the wedding. So, FI and I are hosting the wedding, and we will issue the invitation in our names. We love and respect our families, and will recognize them and their importance in our lives in other ways.
  • edited October 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:c89b8ce4-73e4-4898-b144-a8229f9c6dd8">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just don't think it's wrong to be proud to be able to give your daughter a wedding or to follow tradition. 
    Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]
    Pride is one thing... excessive pride (or "hubris") is another, as is boasting.
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  • edited October 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:827101fd-1c2b-4d33-9fdc-4119224e2dca">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]A wedding is a hosted affair. And hosts are responsible for issuing invitations. The wording of the invitation, like it or not, identifies who is hosting the wedding. While it's a thoughtful gesture to indicate who the parents are, the purpose of the invitation is not, IMO, to identify all the people who have raised or birthed the couple.<strong> My parents are not in a position to contribute or host our wedding. My FMIL does not believe the groom's parents should pay for the wedding. So, FI and I are hosting the wedding, and we will issue the invitation in our names. We love and respect our families, and will recognize them and their importance in our lives in other ways.</strong>
    Posted by jess9802[/QUOTE]
    And that's pefectly fine because you're not including one set of parents and leaving out the other.  What we have an issue with is when the ones hosting feel that they're the only ones entitled to have their names on the invitation, leaving the other set of parents out entirely.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:c89b8ce4-73e4-4898-b144-a8229f9c6dd8">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why shouldn't she be proud that she can host her daughter's wedding? I get the other side, I really do.  By pointing out who is hosting (or paying) for the wedding, you're also pointing out who ISN'T hosting/paying and that could be hurtful if someone is financially unable to host a wedding. I just don't think it's wrong to be proud to be able to give your daughter a wedding or to follow tradition. 
    Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this.  If she wants to acknowledge the fact that she is hosting the wedding, so be it.  There are plenty of other ways the family is going to be honored at the wedding.  If she, as the mom, is sending out the invites she gets a say as to how they are worded.  A lot of work and money go into planning a wedding and if she wants some recognition for it, then I say go ahead.</div><div>
    </div><div>Peaches said something about hurting the other set of parents' feelings.  Honestly, in my situation, I just don't care that much.  I don't mean to sound rude and hateful (and btw, I am listing all three sets of parents on the invites anyways) but once a parent has crossed the line of hurting my FIs feelings, I really don't care about how they feel about a piece of paper anymore.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:49dd90eb-ec55-4c36-983c-d9ea22a1326c">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss : And that's pefectly fine because you're not including one set of parents and leaving out the other.  What we have an issue with is when the ones hosting feel that they're the only ones entitled to have their names on the invitation, leaving the other set of parents out entirely.
    Posted by peaches85[/QUOTE]

    And to me, that is a non-issue. The other set of parents are left out entirely because they are not HOSTING the wedding. I don't understand why they should expect to issue an invitation to an event they are not hosting.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_interesting-convo-e-lets-discuss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:3d5eb5fe-d963-45aa-af00-ea51e7880981Post:e55fa1cc-981f-4896-8e43-450c6bc3befe">Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Interesting Convo on E.. Lets Discuss : Pride is one thing... excessive pride (or "hubris") is another, as is boasting.
    Posted by peaches85[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>I see a big difference between excessive pride and wanting to host a wedding for your daughter.  If you have been successful enough in your life to host your daughters wedding then good for you!</div>
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  • Really?  "We are!" is excessive?
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  • Like it or not, many parents of those of us getting married were brought up during decades/regions where the tradition of the hosts' names only being on the invitation was important.  There's no need to jump down anyone's throat over it.  In some families, the rules of etiquette are still of utmost importance.  The same way that some may feel it's outdated, some others feel that etiquette remains relevant. 

    We're lucky, generally FI's parents are of the "tell us where/when to show up" persuasion, having just turned themselves upside down having their daughter's wedding about a year ago.  My parents are also fairly laid back, though somewhat less so, since the reception is at their house and they are anxious about making sure everyone is comfortable, etc etc - the usual host concerns.  So we'll probably have free reign with our invitations, as long as my parents don't have one of the "suddenly important tradition issue" moments.

    If people want it to be socially acceptable to stray from etiquette from time to time, however, they have to be willing to accept that some people out there are etiquette devotees, and that's just as valid as throwing etiquette to the wind.

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