Groomsmen Troubles with a capitol T

kreece22 · June 2011

I recently found out I am being bad mouthed by two of the groomsmen. One going the lengths of saying I can't believe he's marrying her. We've been together for 6 years so I'm not sure why this is surprising to him, but that is beside the point.

The fact that my fiance's friends have such an issue with me is obviously upsetting. I find it difficult to think of them standing up there in support of him/us after what has been said, and now that I know the way they feel about our relationship.

My fiance does not plan on saying a word to them about it. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing. Opinions, thoughts, advice?!

MairePoppy · June 2011

First, think about this. Who repeated what the gms said about you? What was their motivation in telling you about it? Don't believe things that are passed along the grapevine.

"I can't believe he is marrying her,' can be said in many different ways depending on the inflection. Try it: I can't believe he is finally marrying that wonderful woman. I can't believe he would be desperate enough to marry her. I can't believe he is getting married. See what I mean?

* edited for clarification

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2011

My BFF married a guy whom I am still stunned she married. I still do not like the guy. He's who she wanted to marry though and I supported her and their marriage. I would take the comments as you aren't the type of woman they ever imagined their friend marrying. I have said many times that nobody knows what goes on in a relationship except the two people in it and keep that in mind with my friend.

zitiqueen · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_groomsmen-troubles-capitol-t?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0fb3a99-9218-4a65-93cf-817766e9ee71Post:96a3e7b1-5c29-4426-86d0-acfdb33332b2">Groomsmen Troubles with a capitol T</a>:
[QUOTE]I recently found out I am being bad mouthed by two of the groomsmen. One going the lengths of saying I can't believe he's marrying her. We've been together for 6 years so I'm not sure why this is surprising to him, but that is beside the point. The fact that my fiance's friends have such an issue with me is obviously upsetting. I find it difficult to think of them standing up there in support of him/us after what has been said, and now that I know the way they feel about our relationship. <strong>My fiance does not plan on saying a word to them about it. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing</strong>. Opinions, thoughts, advice?!
Posted by kreece22[/QUOTE]

You really don't know if your FI refusing to stand up for you is a good thing or a bad thing?

Your FI is more concerned with his groomsmen's feelings than he is with his future wife's, and yet you're upset with the groomsmen?

FutureJilliannD · June 2011

I would be upset if I heard this as well, but like PP said, maybe it was more of "I can't believe he is getting married" kind of thing. I too would be bothered if your FI did not stand up for you if he was there when they said this.

Also, did your FI tell you this? I feel like if someone had said this to me about FI I would never tell him. It would only hurt his feelings and it wouldn't change the fact that I love him and am going to marry him.

[Deleted User] · June 2011

Is your FI not saying anything because he wasn't there when it was originally said? Like MariePoppy said, unless you heard it for yourself you won't know how it was meant (and if FI wasn't there, he doesn't know either).

kreece22 · June 2011

No neither of us were there when it was said, another groomsman passed on the information after having a few too many beverages.

I know he didnt mean it in a "I cant believe he's getting married" way, because he called my a B***h somewhere in the middle of it all.

We did hear it through the grapevine but, regardless it still hurts and is upsetting. I'm just trying to figure out a way to make peace within myself about it because i guess there isnt much to be done?

I just wanted to hear unbiased opinions, and maybe how other brides would handle to situation.

MairePoppy · June 2011

It's sad that your feelings are hurt over the remark. If it would make you feel better, you could approach the gm, when he is sober, and ask him to explain. I would take anything a drunken friend reported to me with a grain of salt.People say stupid things when they are drunk.

Now, if the friends say something directly to your fi about you, he should let them know that he will not tolerate any disrespect toward you. All that matters is your fi loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

ShakeUpTampa · June 2011

I had a douchy ex...we tried to remain friends but it did not work because of this: He was the bestman in his friend's wedding. That friend got divorced and was dating my friend from church...she distanced herself from all her friends and was consumed by him. She has marks on her face (scars). Well this guy gets asked to be his bestman again and is going around telling people "I can't believe he is marrying a girl who looks like a burn victim" I never said anything because it was not my place but one night when he was drunk and saying horrid things I told him to go drive his car off a cliff...groom called me demanding I apologize to my ex...I didn't..therefore bride and groom are no longer friends because groom demanded bride give up our friendship...to this day I wonder how she is

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I sat them both down and told them..but it was not my place.

kalpi108 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_groomsmen-troubles-capitol-t?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0fb3a99-9218-4a65-93cf-817766e9ee71Post:3dfa1b73-480d-4814-8dca-e3409b56e9e5">Re: Groomsmen Troubles with a capitol T</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, did your FI tell you this? I feel like if someone had said this to me about FI I would never tell him. It would only hurt his feelings and it wouldn't change the fact that I love him and am going to marry him.
Posted by FutureJilliannD[/QUOTE]

This. Whoever told you this, FI or otherwise, knew it would hurt your feelings and/or stir up trouble. If FI is the one who told you they said this, knowing he planned to do nothing about it, that's the bigger problem here. You're not marrying the GM but you are marrying him. Why would he share this hurtful information with you if he planned to leave it alone? If it wasn't him, however, then I agree with PP to beware jumping to conclusions about what you hear through the grapevine.

kalpi108 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_groomsmen-troubles-capitol-t?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0fb3a99-9218-4a65-93cf-817766e9ee71Post:9af4dafd-c108-4edf-b0ae-3f18ef727b0d">Re: Groomsmen Troubles with a capitol T</a>:
[QUOTE]No neither of us were there when it was said, another groomsman passed on the information after having a few too many beverages. I know he didnt mean it in a "I cant believe he's getting married" way, because he called my a B***h somewhere in the middle of it all. We did hear it through the grapevine but, regardless it still hurts and is upsetting. I'm just trying to figure out a way to make peace within myself about it because i guess there isnt much to be done? I just wanted to hear unbiased opinions, and maybe how other brides would handle to situation.
Posted by kreece22[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I missed this. It is hurtful and it does suck if it's true but again, they are too immature to say it to your face and the person who told you they said it certainly didn't care about your feelings when he did so. So I wouldn't be relying on him too much either. In the end, they're FI's friends, not yours. You're going to love and live with FI the rest of your life, not them. I would let FI know it's bothering and hurting you and then probably let it go. I wouldn't suggest any confrontations with people behaving like children.

LoveMuffins · June 2011

Personally I'd be pretty pissed at the person who told me. There's no reason to do that other than to create bad feelings. You have no idea what the intonation was, or how strongly it was actually worded... you don't even know if he really did call you a bitch. Granted, you obviously trust the person who told you all of this, but the truth is, neither you or your FI really have any idea.

If the GM has been respectful of you and your relationship TO both you and FI, then i'm not surprised FI doesn't want to confront him about it. The guy is obviously a good friend of his, and he's doing what a good friend should... being supportive of FI. if he doesn't actually approve of the marraige, then in some ways he's being even MORE supportive by keeping his mouth shut and minding his own business. just because he spewed his personal opinion to someone else shouldn't effect his friendship with FI or you. for all you know, this is the GM that FI always goes to to comoplain when you guys fight, and so most of what he hears is bad stuff. i've def seen that before.

i've been the unsupportive friend before, and it wasn't because i didn't like the groom as a person, but i thought the bride and groom were a horrible couple. i said my piece to each of them, once, WHEN they asked me my opinion, and after that it was left alone. she still asked me to be a bridesmaid and i accepted... why? because i loved her (and him for that matter) and it was her life and her decision. but you better believe that there were still occasions when i would vent "omg, i can't believe they're doing this!" to other trusted friends. it was just my opinion though.

obviously he isn't doing anything to interfere with the wedding or with you and your FI, so i would just leave it alone. he recognizes that you two have the right to live your own lives and make your own decisions. the person who brought this malicious gossip to you is a drama-maker and needs to learn from him how to mind their own business.

ADTonk · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_groomsmen-troubles-capitol-t?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0fb3a99-9218-4a65-93cf-817766e9ee71Post:618083d9-f9d5-499d-812a-7292509b7105">Re: Groomsmen Troubles with a capitol T</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Groomsmen Troubles with a capitol T : You really don't know if your FI refusing to stand up for you is a good thing or a bad thing? Your FI is more concerned with his groomsmen's feelings than he is with his future wife's, and yet you're upset with the groomsmen?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

This. All the way. You've got much bigger problems than his groomsman bad mouthing you. You have an unsupportive fiance that isn't willing to stick up for you.

kreece22 · June 2011

Thank you ladies! I totally agree that the person relaying the info is more of the problem. I just gained some insight! I appreciate the advice!

sparent2010 · June 2011

I would kick his ass and call him a bitch... but that is b/c I am hotheaded.

Ok the responsible thing to do (I guess) would be to just ask you FH to ask his groomsmen what happened and see if he has any concerns about him getting married. My sister throws a complete hissy fit when someone gets married... no idea why but she goes on a super rampage so when I told her I was engaged I had to sit her down and be like is anything bothering you, any concerns etc. The conversation can work.

If you don't work this out I feel like there can be some long term resentment and if this GM is around after the wedding you don't want him to get your man down. They need to work it out

doeie04 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_groomsmen-troubles-capitol-t?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0fb3a99-9218-4a65-93cf-817766e9ee71Post:14dd2be5-5f94-414d-9882-bedd1986b72c">Re: Groomsmen Troubles with a capitol T</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally I'd be pretty pissed at the person who told me. There's no reason to do that other than to create bad feelings. You have no idea what the intonation was, or how strongly it was actually worded... you don't even know if he really did call you a bitch. Granted, you obviously trust the person who told you all of this, but the truth is, neither you or your FI really have any idea. If the GM has been respectful of you and your relationship TO both you and FI, then i'm not surprised FI doesn't want to confront him about it. The guy is obviously a good friend of his, and he's doing what a good friend should... being supportive of FI. if he doesn't actually approve of the marraige, then in some ways he's being even MORE supportive by keeping his mouth shut and minding his own business. just because he spewed his personal opinion to someone else shouldn't effect his friendship with FI or you. for all you know, this is the GM that FI always goes to to comoplain when you guys fight, and so most of what he hears is bad stuff. i've def seen that before. i've been the unsupportive friend before, and it wasn't because i didn't like the groom as a person, but i thought the bride and groom were a horrible couple. i said my piece to each of them, once, WHEN they asked me my opinion, and after that it was left alone. she still asked me to be a bridesmaid and i accepted... why? because i loved her (and him for that matter) and it was her life and her decision. but you better believe that there were still occasions when i would vent "omg, i can't believe they're doing this!" to other trusted friends. it was just my opinion though. obviously he isn't doing anything to interfere with the wedding or with you and your FI, so i would just leave it alone. he recognizes that you two have the right to live your own lives and make your own decisions. the person who brought this malicious gossip to you is a drama-maker and needs to learn from him how to mind their own business.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

I think this is a great reply.

scrpio421 · June 2011

See, I disagree with the PP who thinks that the one who told you is at fault. I think at least that person gave you a heads up. Now at least you have the insight into what the GM thinks of you and you can go from there. I would be pretty Pissed off if my FI wouldn't stick up or confront the situation, at least get to the bottom of it. Have a heart to heart with him and maybe figure out why he feels this way. If it's all a misunderstanding, then you can all move on with no hard feelings.

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