Need Your Advice

daisymom0317 · March 2012

I'm ashamed for even posting about this, but it's just eating away at me.

It appears my fiance has an issue with hygiene, specifically with not bathing regularly and not brushing his teeth.

I'm so embarrassed to post this, but I want to address it with him. I just don't know how. I just don't want this to be an issue when we're married, and it's really concerning me right now.

The reason I am sure about the not bathing regularly is I can tell it in his hair. Meaning the oily look. And you can see the plaque on his teeth and well, you can just tell.

How do I approach this with him? I've never been good at confrontation.

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

Is this a new issue? I mean, did he bathe and brush regularly when you first started dating?

maribeth721 · March 2012

While I have never been in this situation with my FI, I was with an ex boyfriend. And I agree, I was pretty embarrassed about it. It also ended up making me not physically attracted to him, which was part of the reason our relationship ended. Do you live together? Do you know for sure he doesnt do these things daily? The reason I ask is some people just have oily hair and things, no matter what they do. I think really the best thing to do is just sit down and be straight with him. I mean, there is really no beating around the bush with this one. It's an uncomfortable conversation but it's one that sounds like it needs to be had. The hard thing is he will probably be embarrassed by the confrontation, which will probably make him a little defensive. I would just try to keep emotion out of it and use facts, like this really isn't healthy, etc versus using the argument that it embarrasses you. Good luck.

daisymom0317 · March 2012

Think I've been in denial this whole time. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. Guess I had a hard time believing he wasn't taking care of himself but it's now truly bothering me and it's just eating away at me.

maribeth721 · March 2012

Is there maybe an underlying issue as to why he isn't taking care of himself? Is there something that is maybe bothering him or is he depressed? If so, thats really what needs to be addressed.

daisymom0317 · March 2012

No, we don't live together; however, he has stayed over before, and I never saw a toothbrush and never saw him brush his teeth. I've mentioned the shower thing before because his hair was oily, and he did confirm. He blamed it on lack of time in the mornings, which to me is a lame excuse.

daisymom0317 · March 2012

I've never observed any depression symptons in him and I know what they are because I deal with it personally. I really want to have this conversation with him; I'm such a chicken.

And the bad thing is his son is just like him. Meaning not bathing or brushing his teeth. And his son has braces. I smell his son sometimes too. I've only smelled my fiance once.

This is so embarrassing.

RailWayWife · March 2012

I had the same issue with my FI. I just started inviting him in the shower with me lol. Now we shower together everyday. Even if I am out of town he will shower everyday because he just got in the habbit of taking a shower everyday.

Not only did it improve his hygiene but it improved our sex life, who can resist shower sex??

maribeth721 · March 2012

I'm sorry you're going through that. I think you really need to sit down and have a talk. Practice ahead of time in the mirror is you're worried. I know its an uncomfortable thing to talk about. But it sounds like you don't want to live that way forever, so I would do it sooner than later.

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

If he has a kid with the same issue, maybe that's a cop out. You could tell him that you're a little concerned with little Johnny's hygiene issues, and make some suggestions for how he can encourage the kid to brush his teeth and take a shower every day.

Perhaps he'll pick up on it and it will make it a little easier for him to pick up some of the same habits?

zitiqueen · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-your-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1341f1dc-b3f1-409d-b20e-7c1e0033b53ePost:4885912f-85e6-43b3-b5da-75015e784ff0">Re: Need Your Advice</a>:
[QUOTE] Think I've been in denial this whole time. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. Guess I had a hard time believing he wasn't taking care of himself but it's now truly bothering me and it's just eating away at me.
Posted by daisymom0317[/QUOTE]

How can you be in denial about somebody stinking for the entire time you've dated, including the time you accepted his proposal of marriage? You never noticed that he stunk?

zitiqueen · March 2012

Oh, for the love of Christ, you're the one who hates your future stepson because he exists.

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-needed-help-future-stepmom-here

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-to-vent-warning-long-post

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_my-fiance-and-i-got-in-a-huge-fight-this-weekend

cwaggoner07 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-your-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1341f1dc-b3f1-409d-b20e-7c1e0033b53ePost:c3a171a4-3ac2-4a57-9ebd-c01fb60d98d3">Re: Need Your Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, for the love of Christ, you're the one who hates your future stepson because he exists.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Not to humble brag, but since I have been on TK, I've only needed advice on one seroius issue, and it was concerning FMIL.
If you have had to ask advice 4 different times about MAJOR facets of your relationship, IE an innocent child, you should probably reevaluate your engagement. I'm not being rude, it just seems kind of ridiculous to be having all these issues (whether they are internal, or between you two).

daisymom0317 · March 2012

@cwaggoner07: that's a good point...

LoisLane007 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-your-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1341f1dc-b3f1-409d-b20e-7c1e0033b53ePost:913cf395-bb84-4e1e-84a9-39b8412c2350">Re: Need Your Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I had the same issue with my FI. I just started inviting him in the shower with me lol. Now we shower together everyday. Even if I am out of town he will shower everyday because he just got in the habbit of taking a shower everyday. Not only did it improve his hygiene but it improved our sex life, who can resist shower sex??
Posted by RailWayWife[/QUOTE]

The shower is an evil temptress. But go for it! Sometimes when mine and DH's lives get so busy, that's the time when we can just relax and forget the world for a few minutes.

zitiqueen · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-your-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1341f1dc-b3f1-409d-b20e-7c1e0033b53ePost:2dd04c63-1e4e-4f38-9164-9052915dd8ba">Re: Need Your Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]@cwaggoner07: that's a good point...
Posted by daisymom0317[/QUOTE]

So what conclusion did you come to after you said you were going to do some heavy thinking about the future of your relationship... a week ago?

redheadfsu · March 2012

The repeating theme in all of your posts is that you can't talk to your FI.

Well communication is one of (if not the most) important thing in a relationship. You two can't communicate at all. Seriously, you two can't tell each other anything. Put the engagement on hold and seek counseling ASAP.

daisymom0317 · March 2012

Actually, I started therapy last week. My next appointment is this Friday. She wants to see me two more times then she wants to bring in my fiance.

zitiqueen · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-your-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1341f1dc-b3f1-409d-b20e-7c1e0033b53ePost:36b9b2a1-b8f6-498c-be33-db929608714f">Re: Need Your Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, I started therapy last week. My next appointment is this Friday. She wants to see me two more times then she wants to bring in my fiance.
Posted by daisymom0317[/QUOTE]

Do you think therapy is going to cause you to hate your future stepson less than you do now?

RebeccaB88 · March 2012

All I can say is that I would have figured out on the first date that I couldn't handle his non-hygiene issues, and I'd have been outta there. Definitely wouldn't have gotten to the point of engagement and marriage. I'm sorry, but if he operates the way you say he does, he's stunk since you met him, and there's no way in hell that you didn't notice that.

I've read your posts before, and truthfully, if you don't think you can marry him now because of issues that have been present since the beginning of the relationship, then you've been leading him on. And he's comfortable to continue doing things the way he's always done them because you haven't ever said anything about it. He thinks it's no big deal to you, so it's ok for him to keep doing it.

You're freaking out about the problems now, because you're realizing that you're setting youself up to have to live with them for the rest of your life. I don't think you want to do that. You need to figure out why it's taken you so long to come to terms with the problems, and you need to figure out why you're so intent on forcing this relationship to work out despite these issues that you now say you can't live with.

FluffyGumDrop · March 2012

Daisymom, I don't think you're a horrible person by any means but it definitely feels like your idea of what your upcoming marriage was going to be is now vastly differing from the reality of what it will be. To me it seems like you assumed the son would be spending most of his time living with his mom and occasionally coming over for the weekend or holidays leaving you with a lot of alone/one-on-one time with your fiance. Since then things have obviously changed and the son will be living with you full time after you get married. Is this really what you want? I don't mean to try and get rid of the son, but is this marriage and life still what you want? It's never going to go away and it just seems like every week you're uncovering a new issue. It's never going to be just you and your fiance, at least not for a few more years, so are you ready for that?

Will you be okay with the son having friends over? Are you going to be able to tolerate sleepovers? Birthday parties? Holidays with the three of you? Are you ready to be a parent and take on the teenage years that are coming? Hopefully none of those questions made your skin crawl but if you felt any hesitation then you should really think about what you're getting into with this marriage. He will be your son and he won't be going anywhere for the next four-five years.

Get the kid some Axe deodorants that are "cool" and I'm sure he'll use them; it's very possible no one has had the "deodorant/puberty" talk with him and just explained, "take a shower every day/every other, wash your hair two/three times a week, and wear deodorant every day". Kids don't really think about stuff like that all the time and might think taking a shower every four days is what people do.

It seems like once you realized the son was going to be a 24/7 deal that your rose-colored glasses of your upcoming marriage have been coming off.

NcsuPsych · March 2012

FFS. . is your next issue going to be that your FI farts and burps? Does he have holes in his socks too? Are you going to come here to ask us 'what should I say?'.

You have either an issue with your FI or your FI's son almost every other post. I think the real issue is that this isn't the right relationship for you. You can't MAKE this man be mr. perfect in your eyes. You can only love him for who he and his son are.

JoshLovesJekka · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-your-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1341f1dc-b3f1-409d-b20e-7c1e0033b53ePost:92afecf1-be1c-473e-bfbb-9cd0dc418f7f">Re: Need Your Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Your Advice : Not to humble brag, but since I have been on TK, I've only needed advice on one serious issue, and it was concerning FMIL. If you have had to ask advice 4 different times about MAJOR facets of your relationship, IE an innocent child, you should probably reevaluate your engagement. I'm not being rude, it just seems kind of ridiculous to be having all these issues (whether they are internal, or between you two).
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

I agree! Ive been on TK for over a year and haven't seen SO many concerns from one person in less then a month!

AceTT · March 2012

Holy crap, lady. I just read through this post along with your 3 past threads. The common theme in all 4 of these threads is that even though you are almost 40, your relationship with your FI is that of a high schooler. You post on here asking internet strangers to tell you how to communicate with your FI regarding your concerns. Some of them are legitimate, most notably the hygiene issue you've posted today, but I have no idea how you've survived this long with your FI with these immature communication practices. Nor do I have any idea why you think marrying this man is a good idea.

As others have posted, on every.single.one of your threads, communication is key to a relationship. Your FI, along with every single person on this entire planet, is not a mind reader. No matter how close you are to him, he cannot read your mind and therefore you need to tell him when you have concerns. You need to speak to him in person, NOT through texting, when you have serious concerns regarding his hygiene, your alone time, and every other little problem you have him. Fight texting is what teenagers do, not grown adults. I understand you don't get a lot of alone time with your FI, but surely you can find a time to have a private conversation with him. At the very least, he should be able to ask his son to stay in the living room or go downstairs or wherever while you two speak privately.

Also, I do agree with others that you clearly do not want a man who has a child, so why in the world are you wasting time with this man whose child is obviously (and rightfully so) the most important thing in his life?

NcsuPsych · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-your-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1341f1dc-b3f1-409d-b20e-7c1e0033b53ePost:19917e2f-617e-43a4-be27-097e7095f519">Need Your Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm ashamed for even posting about this, but it's just eating away at me. It appears my fiance has an issue with hygiene, specifically with not bathing regularly and not brushing his teeth. I'm so embarrassed to post this, but I want to address it with him. I just don't know how. I just don't want this to be an issue when we're married, and it's really concerning me right now. T<strong>he reason I am sure about the not bathing regularly is I can tell it in his hair. Meaning the oily look. </strong>And you can see the plaque on his teeth and well, you can just tell. How do I approach this with him? I've never been good at confrontation.
Posted by daisymom0317[/QUOTE]

I just want to throw this out there that some people actually get oily hair on a daily basis, even if they are showering every day. This can be attributed to many things, such as their body chemicals, the types of soap/shampoo they use, the type of work they do. . etc.

Just because someone's hair looks oily doesn't mean they have bad hygiene.

For this man being someone you say you want to marry, you sure as hell are doing a $hit ton of judging about him. I would never judge my DH or our future children in the way in which you've judged this man and his child. Grow the F up.

RamonaFlowers · March 2012

Okay, I'm really NOT trying to be bitchy here, but after reading your post history, I seriously have to know: why did you ever get engaged to this guy? You clearly aren't thrilled about acquiring a step-child and now you're admitting that you've been turning a blind eye to his lack of hygiene your entire relationship? Why are you doing this to yourself?

Do you actually want a marriage with this guy? Or do you just want to have a wedding, and to be referred to as a "Mrs." and anything with a d!ck that came along could be playing the role of your FI right now? Because I'm genuinely starting to believe that you're one of those women that's convinced herself (Either consciously or subconsciously) "I'm 40 years old, I need to get married".

Stick with the therapy, because you really need to figure out why you really think so low of yourself that you're willing to commit to somebody that you're clearly not compatible with for the rest of your life just to get a ring on your finger.

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