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FMIL...I don't know what to do. (May seem a little venty)

sepfeiffer1ssepfeiffer1s member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Here's the scoop. My FMIL and her family are used to doing everything themselves,  even if it's for someone else. After myself and my Fiance broke the news that we were engaged, the planning started. I was excited and knew that she wanted to help and so we went shopping. We ended up spending two hours in two isles of Hobby Lobby talking about everything...Well SHE ended up talking about everything. The colors are pink and black.
Here's HER ideas:
1. Green ivy running down the tabletops...The tables are pink and black.
2. She asked about the table covers and I told her black, and she said how about white?
3. She said SHE was making my veil.
4. SHE was making the invitations.
5. They're inviting 55 people to the rehersal dinner, when then entire guest list is 200.
6. She won't tell us where we're having the rehersal dinner.
7. She wants her own photographer, she didn't even ask who ours was!

What do I do about a FMIL who is like this? My Fiance is totally on board with our ideas, that both of us came up with, but she ends up trying to tell us what to do and how everything should be. Are the cake cutters really supposed to be aunts? She said that she'd have her sisters do it, but my fiance and I would like a couple close family friends.
HELP!
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Re: FMIL...I don't know what to do. (May seem a little venty)

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    lharri12lharri12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Since this is a problem with your FI's mother, he should talk to her calmly about this, while trying to avoid hurting her feelings.  He could tell her that the both of you truly appreciate her interest, excitement, and willingness to help, but you would appreciate if you could all talk about these things together and make decisions together, rather than her making decisions without you.  That being said, if she is paying for the wedding, or a portion of the wedding, she should have some say in how things go, but she is over-stepping a bit by making decisions without even talking to you about it first.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've never heard about the aunts being the cake cutters. DH and I did the first slice, then my mom and stepdad took over the rest, mainly because we just didn't want to. If you have a caterer, sometimes they will do it for you. As for the invitations and veil, if you have other ideas then flat-out tell her so. Get your voice back. In my opinion, it's perfectly fine to say "thanks, but no thanks, I'm doing the invitations myself." If she persists, say you won't discuss it anymore, that you've already made up your mind and that's final. other than that, stop talking about all tigns wedding with her.

    As for the guest list, if she's paying then let her have her guests. It's her money, let her blow it. I don't understand why she won't tell you where the RD is though, that is just sh!tty.

    You need to get your FI on board, otherwise prepare for a long life with a husband who always agrees with mommy.
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    melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the previous posters, for the most part.  He'll have to have a talk with her because the longer you two let it go, the more she will feel it is acceptable.  She may just have no idea that she is being overbearing.

    On the cake cutting - I do not advocate having ANYONE you know/like do the cutting and serving.  It's a tedious, pain in the ass job and better handed out to paid help. ;)
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree, FI should talk to her. You need also may need to sit down and talk with her about this. Say something like, "hey, I love that you are so involved and wanting to help with stuff, but can you please ask us before you go deciding anything on your own"? She just may need to realize what she is doing. But don't forget to thank her for being such a great help.
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    stephweinsteinstephweinstein
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    1. Green ivy running down the tabletops...The tables are pink and black. Is she on crack?

    2. She asked about the table covers and I told her black, and she said how about white?  Perhaps maybe she's hard of hearing?
     
    3. She said SHE was making my veil. Perfect! You can wear that one to your bachelorette party and wear the veil of your choice on your wedding day.

    4. SHE was making the invitations. I repeat, is she on crack?

    5. They're inviting 55 people to the rehersal dinner, when then entire guest list is 200. I'm confused by this one - It seems like a lot of people but if she's paying for it the more the merrier :)

    6. She won't tell us where we're having the rehersal dinner. That's awkward.  Have you actually asked?

    7. She wants her own photographer, she didn't even ask who ours was! So let her hire a photographer and you'll hire your own.  Twice the pictures :)

    What do I do about a FMIL who is like this? This is YOUR wedding (and your FI's, of course.) You're letting her take charge.  Find a non-insulting way to let her know you have your own ideas.  The good news is it seems like she really likes you!

    My Fiance is totally on board with our ideas, that both of us came up with, but she ends up trying to tell us what to do and how everything should be. Are the cake cutters really supposed to be aunts? She said that she'd have her sisters do it, but my fiance and I would like a couple close family friends. I have never heard of this before. Ever.

    Good luck!
    BabyFruit Ticker If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. Even if we're apart i'll always be with you. - A.A. Milne
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    sepfeiffer1ssepfeiffer1s member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you for the quick comments and support.

    To clarify, the groom's family is paying for the rehersal dinner, and only that.

    She wants me to save money by instead of buying bouquets, having each lady walking down the isle have a single flower in their hand. For others this may be really cool, but I've had my heart set on bouquets my entire life, plus I'm paying for everything at the wedding/reception except food and drinks (Which my dad is paying for) and the DJ (which my fiance is paying for). I didn't like how she said that I should save money from flowers, when she's going to get her own photographer.

    The rehersal, yes my fiance has asked numerous times about location and she still won't tell us.

    But thank you!!!!
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    ericalgericalg
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just a quick note about photographers....be careful about hiring two different photographers (i take it that's what's going to happen since you have one and she wants to hire her own)... many will put in their contract that they will be the sole professional photographer for the day... you don't want to end up paying for them only for them to leave because they are not the only photographer..
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    sepfeiffer1ssepfeiffer1s member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Right. My fiance told her that he did not want another photographer, and that me and him were NOT taking double pictures. I checked with mine, but I also made sure for my photographer to know that SHE was in charge.
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    kari316kari316 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    do whatever you can to make her feel included and let her win on some things.  for the things you and FI feel strongly about, calmly explain your point of view.ask her opinion on anything you possibly can, even if you don't go with her advice at least she will feel like you care.  as i said in my FSIL/mom rant... it's your day and you should be happy, but understand how much this means to her and that it's hard to "let go" of her son and try to make her happy as much as you can.  try not to put your fiancee in the middle but you should talk to her together and explain your side of it for decisions you don't agree with her on.

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