Questions and more questions....

SantaMonica2012 · July 2012

I am getting conflicting information everywhere I look.

1.) Who pays for the Bride's bouquet? I've seen it both ways.
2.) Who pays for the Groom's cake? I've seen it both ways.
3.) Is it odd for the bride's flowers to be different form everyone else in the bridal party?

Lucille04 · July 2012

1 and 2 - You pay for everything unless someone offers.

3 - It's up to you - it can match or not. Your florist should have a good idea if your flowers at least compliment the rest.

baystateapple · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-and-more-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e702c75c-c9b1-4764-8236-59d32fefeda8Post:30024733-f189-473a-b2af-c39dde2ee662">Questions and more questions....</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting conflicting information everywhere I look. 1.) Who pays for the Bride's bouquet? I've seen it both ways. 2.) Who pays for the Groom's cake? I've seen it both ways. 3.) Is it odd for the bride's flowers to be different form everyone else in the bridal party?
Posted by SantaMonica2012[/QUOTE]
1. The Bride and Groom unless someone else graciously offers.
2. The Bride and Groom unless someone else graciously offers.
3. No. But the color schemes should compliment each other.

AdeleDazeem · July 2012

I can't even begin to imagine the headache of gathering payments from people for flowers or groomscakes if you break it down this way.

Okay, Aunt P - that'll be $200 for the brides flowers.
And Dad, that's $1000 for the centerpieces.

No, no, Mom - it's only $400 for the groomscake leaving $1000 left for the actual cake.

Can you all write me individual checks?

Also - you pay for everything unless someone graciously offers, as Bay said.

rsaleh84 · July 2012

PPs are right...mine and FI's flowers will be black magic roses, the rest will be varying cream flowers...

pokepoke27 · July 2012

Take everything you know about who traditionally pays for a wedding and throw it out of the window.

The bride and groom pay for everything unless financial help is offered.

My BMs bouquets were cream gerbera daisies and my bouquet was blue hydrangeas with cream gerbera daisies. Not the same, but still coordinated.

achiduck · July 2012

Always assume you're paying for everything unless someone offers to help with the costs.

Your bouquet doesn't have to match but I personally wouldn't go out of my way to pick something that was the total opposite just to stand out. My bouquet is going to be made up of cream mini calla lillies and roses. My BM's bouques are all mini callas. Mine is larger, slightly different but the colours are the same.

Meegles4 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-and-more-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e702c75c-c9b1-4764-8236-59d32fefeda8Post:d70d42c1-eeb9-4d1a-82e8-b569d50ffe98">Re: Questions and more questions....</a>:
[QUOTE]Take everything you know about who traditionally pays for a wedding and throw it out of the window. The bride and groom pay for everything unless financial help is offered. My BMs bouquets were cream gerbera daisies and my bouquet was blue hydrangeas with cream gerbera daisies. Not the same, but still coordinated.
Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

This. Also, FWIW, you don't NEED a groom's cake.

My bouquet was very different from my BMs. But between the two, they reflected the colors of the wedding.

littleluckypenny · July 2012

1) Bride and groom pays
2) Bride and groom pays
3) Doesn't have to match, but compliment. My bouquet was white and blue roses. BMs had pink and white roses (they had blue dresses on).

pokepoke27 · July 2012

Oh yeah, I meant to add that too Meegles. You don't need to have a grooms cake.

And also, my corsages and bouts were white carnations because I suck at making those and got them made at Kroger. They wouldn't do gerbera daisies. It all looked fine.

Megbo2012 · July 2012

My bouquet was larger and had a few more types of flowers in it than my BMs. MOH's was slightly bigger than the other BMs. So BMs had Blush yellow ivory and white roses, and mine had those, plus a few stephanovas or something like that.

Megbo2012 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-and-more-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e702c75c-c9b1-4764-8236-59d32fefeda8Post:5b4e0c76-dab0-4dba-849b-302097651ba4">Re: Questions and more questions....</a>:
[QUOTE]In all seriousness, all of my flowers are white. Roses for moms, freesia for bouts, carnations for BMs, and<strong> lisianthus</strong>/freesia/stock for me.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Bless you!</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: not in a bless your sweet heart way, in a "Gesundheit" kind of way. </div>

Snippylynn · July 2012

I'm more wondering where there would have been conflicting information on this....

SantaMonica2012 · July 2012

Snippylyn,
Google who pays for those two items and I guarantee you'll get varying breakdowns. That plus the books we've all looked at with the lists telling you who is responsible for what......there is no clear definition. One says one thing...another says the opposite. It seems to go both ways. Bride's parents are hosting the wedding, not the B&G or the G's parents. It was mentioned "somewhere" that the Groom's parents could do the Groom's cake at the RD. They offerred, but G did not want to do that. Now I'm thinking about just adding another tier to the wedding cake and skipping the Groom's cake altogether.

Thanks for the flower opinions. I want the colors to be the same, but the flowers to be different. I just wasn't sure what was usually done.

AdeleDazeem · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-and-more-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e702c75c-c9b1-4764-8236-59d32fefeda8Post:34198be2-ceab-440c-a8e3-9a7376302cb4">Re: Questions and more questions....</a>:
[QUOTE]Snippylyn, Google who pays for those two items and I guarantee you'll get varying breakdowns. That plus the books we've all looked at with the lists telling you who is responsible for what......there is no clear definition. One says one thing...another says the opposite. It seems to go both ways. Bride's parents are hosting the wedding, not the B&G or the G's parents. It was mentioned "somewhere" that the Groom's parents could do the Groom's cake at the RD. They offerred, but G did not want to do that. Now I'm thinking about just adding another tier to the wedding cake and skipping the Groom's cake altogether. Thanks for the flower opinions. I want the colors to be the same, but the flowers to be different. I just wasn't sure what was usually done.
Posted by SantaMonica2012[/QUOTE]

You googled who pays for what in weddings? And then did what - sent it to your respective parents saying "Here's the inventory! Make checks payable to BRIDE and GROOM?"

These are modern times. Asking for money is a HUGE faux pas and downright rude.

You pay unless someone offers. And you shouldn't have to Google it. It should be common sense.

SantaMonica2012 · July 2012

Of course, the Bride's parents have offerred to pay. NO demands have been made by anyone and nobody has asked for money. However, we are not sure who is repsonsible for what. Hence the question. We have a stack of wedding planning books who break out who pays for what and they contradict each other on a number of items. I thought by posting here I could find out what the more common practice should be.

Straight from The Knot:
<div style="text-align:left;background-color:#ffffff;color:#000000;text-decoration:none;border:medium none;"><h3>Ceremony</h3><ul><li>Bride and family pay for church or synagogue, sexton, organist, etc. </li><li>Groom and family pay for marriage license and officiant's fee.</li></ul><h3>Clothes</h3><ul><li>Bride and family pay for bride's dress, veil, accessories, and trousseau (read: lingerie and <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/honeymoons.aspx"><u><font color="#0000ff">honeymoon</font></u></a> clothes). </li><li>Groom and family pay for groom's outfit. </li><li>All attendants pay for their own clothing (including shoes).</li></ul><h3>Flowers</h3><ul><li>Bride and family pay for arrangements for church (including huppah if a <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/real-weddings/jewish-weddings.aspx"><u><font color="#0000ff">Jewish wedding ceremony</font></u></a>) and reception, plus bouquets and corsages for bridesmaids and flower girls. </li><li><strong>Groom and family pay for bride's bouquet and going-away corsage, boutonnieres for men, and corsages for mothers and grandmothers</strong>.</li></ul><h3>Honeymoon</h3><ul><li>Groom and family pay for complete honeymoon.</li></ul><h3>Photography</h3><ul><li>Bride and family pay for all wedding photos and video.</li></ul><h3>Prewedding Parties</h3><ul><li>Bride or groom's family plans and hosts engagement party; if there is more than one, bride's family hosts the first one. </li><li>Groom's family plans and hosts the rehearsal dinner. </li><li>Bride plans and hosts bridesmaids' luncheon. </li><li>Groom hosts and plans bachelors' dinner. </li><li>Maid of honor and bridesmaids host shower. </li><li>Best man and ushers host bachelor party. </li><li>Friends may throw additional engagement parties or showers.</li></ul><h3>Reception</h3><ul><li>Bride and family pay for all professional services, including food, drink, decorations, and music.</li></ul><h3>Rings</h3><ul><li>Bride and/or her family pay for groom's ring. </li><li>Groom and/or his family pay for both of the bride's rings.</li></ul><h3>Stationery</h3><ul><li>Bride and family pay for invitations, announcements, and wedding programs.</li></ul><h3>Transportation</h3><ul><li>Bride and family pay for <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-resources/wedding-transportation-limos-valet.aspx"><u><font color="#0000ff">wedding transportation</font></u></a> of bridal party to and from ceremony and reception.</li></ul>

Read more: <a style="color:#003399;" href="http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx#ixzz21ebua5bh"><u>Who Pays for What in a Wedding</u></a> <a style="color:#003399;" href="http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx#ixzz21ebua5bh"><u>http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx#ixzz21ebua5bh</u></a>

n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-and-more-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e702c75c-c9b1-4764-8236-59d32fefeda8Post:eb6bb142-2b22-441a-86a1-b078fbefb39a">Re: Questions and more questions....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Questions and more questions.... : You googled who pays for what in weddings? And then did what - sent it to your respective parents saying "Here's the inventory! Make checks payable to BRIDE and GROOM?" These are modern times. Asking for money is a HUGE faux pas and downright rude. You pay unless someone offers. And you shouldn't have to Google it. It should be common sense.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

</div>

AdeleDazeem · July 2012

You're still missing the point. No one pays but you and your fiance.

midgetthemighty · July 2012

Santa, have they given you an amount of money? What gets paid for from that amount of money really does not matter in the slightest.

Also, you should be careful not to account for money you do not have in your own possession. Things happen and sometimes promised money winds up not working out.

polichik · July 2012

I know it can be confusing, but keep in mind that The Knot is a for profit website that promotes spending in the wedding industry. If you're looking for true etiquette, the ladies on these bards know what they're talking about. Emily Post is also a good source. The best piece of advice I can give you is to go about planning and paying for the wedding as you would for any other party. If someone offers to chip in, great, but there are no rules about who is "supposed to pay" for what.

melb2013 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-and-more-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e702c75c-c9b1-4764-8236-59d32fefeda8Post:8defcb08-68fa-4003-9950-0804d7cbf375">Re: Questions and more questions....</a>:
[QUOTE]1) Santa. 2) Jesus. 3) Flowers are for chumps.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh lord, LOL!

</div>

jemmini6 · July 2012

No breakdowns of who pays for what are correct, no matter where you found them. The bride and groom pay for EVERYTHING unless someone offers to help. If they do, then it is completely up to them what they want to pay for. Sometimes, people offer a flat amount and let the B&G use it however they see fit, sometimes people offer to pay for specific elements like the dress, or flowers. In any case though, it is not up to you to dictate how people choose to give you a gift, it's up to them. Their money, they get to choose how it gets spent.

If your family has offered to contribute to your wedding, I suggest you ask THEM what they want to pay for. The conversation should go somewhat like this "Mom, dad, thank you so much for your offer to help pay for our wedding, we are incredibly grateful. We are trying to put our budget together, so I was wondering what you wanted to contribute to?" Then let them tell you an amount and/or elements that they want to pay for.

As for the list you posted, no one is responsible for anything unless they offer. If the groom's family has not offered any financial assistance, then YOU cover those costs. Also, all pre-wedding parties are GIFTS, no one is responsible for planning or paying for those for you, and it's inappropriate to plan or pay for those yourselves.

I know it's confusing because all the 'wedding references' say these things, but they are just trying to make money. They have absolutely no consideration for etiquette, as long as they get someone to buy stuff, they will tell you whatever they want to. And since people tend to spend more money if it's broken up between families, then that's what they'll tell you to do. But we are here to tell you that in reality, that is NOT how it's done, at all. Your best bet is to throw out all your wedding books that reference who should pay for stuff, or what people should do for you.

melb2013 · July 2012

OP If your parents have offered to pay, then they pay. If the groom's family offers to pay, then they pay. If nobody offers to pay, then you pay. There are "traditional" ways (I'm not even sure these are real though) of spliting the bill, but you can't just go to someone and tell them what they are responsible for paying for.

SantaMonica2012 · July 2012

Actuallly, no .....you're missing the point. BOTH sides have graciously offerred and we are trying to follow some sort of protocol based on tradition and common practice. We aren't collecting checks or payments from anyone. I'm asking what other people have done and what is generally accepted. I have never planned a wedding nor has anyone else close to me.

B&G are not splitting this down the middle. It's just not happening that way. If that's how it worked for you Joy, I'm thrilled for you. That is not what is happening over here.

jemmini6 · July 2012

If they've both offered to pay, then you ask THEM what they want to contribute to. You don't have to follow 'traditional' lists. If they ask, just tell them "we are happy with whatever you want to contribute to" and let them decide. You are being way too literal with these lists, seriously.

But I do want to reiterate that your WP is NOT responsible for throwing you any pre-wedding parties at all. Also, while attendents are typically responsible for their own attire, shoes are NOT included (if you want a specific shoe, if you just say, 'any black dress shoes' then yes, they are responsible for those), but you do need to consult their budgets for attire (you can't pick a $300 dress if they tell you they are only comfortable spending $150).

midgetthemighty · July 2012

Okay Santa, this is what happened with us.

My parents and his parents both said they would help us with the wedding. We still saved money for the wedding just in case and because we didn't want them paying for the entire thing.

His parents run into some financial issues and *gasp* can't give us any money beyond doing the low-key rehearsal dinner.

My parents put a cap on the amount they will give us.

We pay deposits and for random things throughout the process as well as my parents. My parents pay everyone the night of and they went over by a certain amount so we paid them back once we returned from the honeymoon.

You need to speak with them to find out how they want to handle it.

libby2483 · July 2012

OP, since both sides have offered to help and seem to be looking for a little guidance, it is probably easiest to have a discussion with each set of parents about what they are comfortable contributing. I do understand, though, that sometimes each side wants to pay for specific things rather than just contribute a set amount, as this is how my in laws were. They wanted us to tell them what we would like help with rather than just contribute an amount. We said, well it is tradition for the groom's family to pay for rehearsal dinner. They said perfect and volunteered to pay for that and our photo booth. We asked his dad if he would like to cover the flowers, and he happily agreed. I want to emphasize that this was after they had both offered to pay for something and wanted guidance about what it is we would like help with. Since it sounds like this is the case with you too, you could have a similar conversation. It could be based on traditional contributions but doesn't need to be.

AdeleDazeem · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-and-more-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e702c75c-c9b1-4764-8236-59d32fefeda8Post:86492dee-38b5-4b38-b238-624122608771">Re: Questions and more questions....</a>:
[QUOTE]Actuallly, no .....you're missing the point. BOTH sides have graciously offerred and we are trying to follow some sort of protocol based on tradition and common practice. We aren't collecting checks or payments from anyone. I'm asking what other people have done and what is generally accepted. I have never planned a wedding nor has anyone else close to me. B&G are not splitting this down the middle. It's just not happening that way. If that's how it worked for you Joy, I'm thrilled for you. That is not what is happening over here.
Posted by SantaMonica2012[/QUOTE]

You kinda have to explain where you're coming from when you post here. My mind reader is broken. Everyone was telling you the same thing, but you just kept asking the same inept question. This information here is quite useful.

It's really up to you how everyone wants to split things. Most people don't follow the "rules" anymore. But, I'd be clear on what each side is offering you. Are they offering a fixed rate of money (we will supply $1000 towards your wedding?) or are they saying "We want to buy flowers." They are two different things and need to be handled differently.

I would advise against splitting up payments based on traditions. Ask them what they'd like to contribute towards and have a say in if they haven't already. If they say they don't care, use it however you want.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-and-more-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e702c75c-c9b1-4764-8236-59d32fefeda8Post:34198be2-ceab-440c-a8e3-9a7376302cb4">Re: Questions and more questions....</a>:
[QUOTE]Snippylyn, Google who pays for those two items and I guarantee you'll get varying breakdowns. That plus the books we've all looked at with the lists telling you who is responsible for what......there is no clear definition. One says one thing...another says the opposite. It seems to go both ways. <strong>Bride's parents are hosting the wedding, not the B&G or the G's parents</strong>. It was mentioned "somewhere" that the Groom's parents could do the Groom's cake at the RD. They offerred, but G did not want to do that. Now I'm thinking about just adding another tier to the wedding cake and skipping the Groom's cake altogether. Thanks for the flower opinions. I want the colors to be the same, but the flowers to be different. I just wasn't sure what was usually done.
Posted by SantaMonica2012[/QUOTE]

If both sets have offered help I'm not sure I undrstand why you initially wrote the bolded?

SantaMonica2012 · July 2012

Thanks Libby and Midge. That is exactly what I needed.

Bride's parents are hosting. However, G's parents want to "cover" the things they are "supposed" to cover as parents of the G. Same with the Bride's side. Both families are very traditional in nature where we really aren't. Since it's up to us as everyone has mentioned, we'll figure it out without worrying about offending anyone by superceding their pre-determined roles.

lauraanne9 · July 2012

You assume you are paying unless someone offers. It is that simple. Once someone offers, if you do things the way we have, if they offer to pay for something, you let them. No matter what side of the wedding they are on.

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