vent-long!

mzamanda1 · June 2012

My MOH is someone that I have known since the first grade. I have felt that our friendship has not been that same in the last 5-6 years. I felt like I had to have her in the wedding because we have known each other for so long. She doesnt even get excited when I tell her about wedding stuff and everytime she is around my fiance she stops talking and will barely make eye contact with him...

We have had a long engagement (we have been engaged since 11/2010, and will be married 10/2012) I have been very good about sending out emails to the bridal party on when dresses need to be purchased and how much they will be, and to please let me know if this will be a problem. So last week (and a week past when I requested the dresses be ordered) I randomly asked if she had ordered her dress(all of the BM's have paid for their dress at this point). She said no, so I called the bridal shop to make sure we still had time and no rush fee would be charged- they said we have about a week at the most- so I told my MOH this and asked if it was possible to get the dress next week. She goes on to tell me that she is short in her check book and it might not work this month, but she will try....she then asked if I wanted her to "bow out" of the wedding? I TOTALLY understand having money issue..we all struggle, but dont you think I gave her enough time to save AND i made it clear if there was a problem then tell me... I would have been happy to pay for the dress! I think it was a combination of alot of things, but this just send me over the edge.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b563511-d1ca-4529-a733-ab353d9b1a25Post:fb329aa3-7e23-40b6-9e7c-eb41581b5190">vent-long!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>My MOH is someone that I have known since the first grade. I have felt that our friendship has not been that same in the last 5-6 years. I felt like I had to have her in the wedding because we have known each other for so long</strong>. She doesnt even get excited when I tell her about wedding stuff and everytime she is around my fiance she stops talking and will barely make eye contact with him... We have had a long engagement (we have been engaged since 11/2010, and will be married 10/2012) I have been very good about sending out emails to the bridal party on when dresses need to be purchased and how much they will be, and to please let me know if this will be a problem. So last week (and a week past when I requested the dresses be ordered) I randomly asked if she had ordered her dress(all of the BM's have paid for their dress at this point). She said no, so I called the bridal shop to make sure we still had time and no rush fee would be charged- they said we have about a week at the most- so I told my MOH this and asked if it was possible to get the dress next week. She goes on to tell me that she is short in her check book and it might not work this month, but she will try....she then asked if I wanted her to "bow out" of the wedding? I TOTALLY understand having money issue..we all struggle, but dont you think I gave her enough time to save AND i made it clear if there was a problem then tell me... I would have been happy to pay for the dress! I think it was a combination of alot of things, but this just send me over the edge.
Posted by mzamanda1[/QUOTE]

It sounds like she wants to be in this wedding as much as you want her there - in other words, this is an obligation.

Dont' ask her to step down. If she doesn't get the dress, then she's removed herself from the wedding.

OBX2011 · June 2012

Agreed GLB

mbcdefg · June 2012

I have been very good about sending out emails to the bridal party on when dresses need to be purchased and how much they will be, and to please let me know if this will be a problem.

So, you chose a dress and said, "It will cost $XYZ", it seems?

I would be INCREDIBLY insulted and pissed if someone just told me what I'd be spending. Even if she used the "Let me know if it's a problem" thing as an out. I don't care if it's $200 or $10, or if I have two years to save up ... nobody is telling me how I have to spend my money. I'm doing YOU a favor by standing in your wedding, not the other way around, so you'd better respect my budget enough to consult me rather than just telling me what I'd be spending. And saying, "Oh, but you have two years to save up!" would also piss me off.

Saying, "Let me know if the price is a problem" wasn't the right way to handle this. You should've gotten their budgets BEFORE picking the dress. It's incredibly embarrassing for someone, even a friend, to tell another person that they're short on cash, even if you invite them to do so. Some bridesmaids may also feel like they're being bad friends/bridesmaids if they say no to the bride about anything.

If you really did just pick a dress without getting their budgets, then I would offer to pay for part/all of the dress if you can afford it. Otherwise don't say anything about dropping out. She'll drop out if she wants to.

If the dress was chosen as a result of you saying to everyone, "Let me know what you want to spend," then the bottom line is that she can't afford it right now. Shiitt happens. You can't magically put more money in her wallet by "going over the edge" and being mad about it. So either let it go or help her pay for it. Don't act like she should've known better.

I have felt that our friendship has not been that same in the last 5-6 years. I felt like I had to have her in the wedding because we have known each other for so long.

This was your other mistake. Lesson learned ... people, and your relationships with them, will not change just because you happen to be getting married. Awesome/selfish/distant/flakey people will continue to be awesome/selfish/distant/flakey even if you ask them to be your bridesmaid or MOH. Just accept the fact that your friendship with her is not going to change, and don't expect things to magically get better between the two of you.

There's no reason that you should be sent "over the edge" by all of this. You didn't give her the option to tell you her budget BEFORE you told her what she'd be spending, and you expected her to suddenly become a better friend to you. Those are incredibly unfair expectations to pile upon her, and if you're disappointed that she didnt live up to your expectations then frankly it's your own fault for having those expectations in the first place.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b563511-d1ca-4529-a733-ab353d9b1a25Post:fb329aa3-7e23-40b6-9e7c-eb41581b5190">vent-long!</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH is someone that I have known since the first grade. I have felt that our friendship has not been that same in the last 5-6 years. I felt like I had to have her in the wedding because we have known each other for so long. She doesnt even get excited when I tell her about wedding stuff and everytime she is around my fiance she stops talking and will barely make eye contact with him... We have had a long engagement (we have been engaged since 11/2010, and will be married 10/2012) I have been very good about sending out emails to the bridal party on when dresses need to be purchased and how much they will be, and to please let me know if this will be a problem. So last week (and a week past when I requested the dresses be ordered) I randomly asked if she had ordered her dress(all of the BM's have paid for their dress at this point). She said no, so I called the bridal shop to make sure we still had time and no rush fee would be charged- they said we have about a week at the most- so I told my MOH this and asked if it was possible to get the dress next week. She goes on to tell me that she is short in her check book and it might not work this month, but she will try....she then asked if I wanted her to "bow out" of the wedding? I TOTALLY understand having money issue..we all struggle, but dont you think I gave her enough time to save AND i made it clear if there was a problem then tell me...<strong> I would have been happy to pay for the dress! </strong> I think it was a combination of alot of things, but this just send me over the edge.
Posted by mzamanda1[/QUOTE]

If you're happy to pay for it, couldn't you do that then? It can just be between you and her; the others BMs don't have to know. I understand that some people hate taking money from others. Could you casually say, "Well I'd hate to have you pay a rush fee for getting it later. Why don't I just go in and pay for it up front so we can get it ordered?" If she says yes and that she wants to pay you back later, great. If not, you said you were OK with paying for it.

Do not tell her to step down. If she doesn't want you paying for it and never ends up ordering the dress herself, she's taken herself out of the wedding. It does sound like she's not crazy about being in the wedding, just as you weren't crazy about having her in it. It seems more like you both felt obligated to do this than anything--do you think she's LOOKING for a way out of the wedding?

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

I am in a similar boat, but a few steps ahead of you. Do yourself a favor, and give her a final date to order by and leave it at that. If she doesn't order, she's out.

I have a BM who has been a longtime friend, but in the past 4 years she has become more critical of me. After 5 months of discussing dresses, and agreeing on one, I found out that she totally disregarded the ordering date, and for no good reason. My MOH begged me to be flexible, and then begged her to get her crap together. Eventually my BM convinced me to let her order all of the dresses. To this day, I have no idea if they have been ordered and she will not get back to me. I have 99 days until my wedding and no word from this BM.

So spare yourself. Pick a date, tell her to order it by then and if nothing, then leave her be.

mzamanda1 · June 2012

In Response to Re:ventlong!:[QUOTE] I have been very good about sending out emails to the bridal party on when dresses need to be purchased and how much they will be, and to please let me know if this will be a problem. So, you chose a dress and said, "It will cost XYZ", it seems? I would be INCREDIBLY insulted and pissed if someone just told me what I'd be spending. Even if she used the "Let me know if it's a problem" thing as an out. I don't care if it's 200 or 10, or if I have two years to save up ... nobody is telling me how I have to spend my money. I'm doing YOU a favor by standing in your wedding, not the other way around, so you'd better respect my budget enough to consult me rather than just telling me what I'd be spending. And saying, "Oh, but you have two years to save up!" would also piss me off. Saying, "Let me know if the price is a problem" wasn't the right way to handle this. You should've gotten their budgets BEFORE picking the dress. It's incredibly embarrassing for someone, even a friend, to tell another person that they're short on cash, even if you invite them to do so. Some bridesmaids may also feel like they're being bad friends/bridesmaids if they say no to the bride about anything. If you really did just pick a dress without getting their budgets, then I would offer to pay for part/all of the dress if you can afford it. Otherwise don't say anything about dropping out. She'll drop out if she wants to. If the dress was chosen as a result of you saying to everyone, "Let me know what you want to spend," then the bottom line is that she can't afford it right now. Shiitt happens. You can't magically put more money in her wallet by "going over the edge" and being mad about it. So either let it go or help her pay for it. Don't act like she should've known better. nbsp;I have felt that our friendship has not been that same in the last 56 years. nbsp;I felt like I had to have her in the wedding because we have known each other for so long. This was your other mistake. Lesson learned ... people, and your relationships with them, will not change just because you happen to be getting married. Awesome/selfish/distant/flakey people will continue to be awesome/selfish/distant/flakey even if you ask them to be your bridesmaid or MOH. Just accept the fact that your friendship with her is not going to change, and don't expect things to magically get better between the two of you. There's no reason that you should be sent "over the edge" by all of this. You didn't give her the option to tell you her budget BEFORE you told her what she'd be spending, and you expected her to suddenly become a better friend to you. Those are incredibly unfair expectations to pile upon her, and if you're disappointed that she didnt live up to your expectations then frankly it's your own fault for having those expectations in the first place. Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Being in a wedding comes with financial responsibility! I paid for everything in her wedding and was never asked of what my budget was! I was trying to be upfront with people as early as I could be. I trusted if there was a problem they would let me know. I was NOT trying to tell people what they had to spend. You don't know me and you don't know her.. I was looking for support not some snobby response!

mzamanda1 · June 2012

In Response to Re:ventlong!:[QUOTE]In Response to ventlong!:My MOH is someone that I have known since the first grade. nbsp;I have felt that our friendship has not been that same in the last 56 years. nbsp;I felt like I had to have her in the wedding because we have known each other for so long. She doesnt even get excited when I tell her about wedding stuff and everytime she is around my fiance she stops talking and will barely make eye contact with him... nbsp;nbsp;We have had a long engagement we have been engaged since 11/2010, and will be married 10/2012 I have been very good about sending out emails to the bridal party on when dresses need to be purchased and how much they will be, and to please let me know if this will be a problem. nbsp;So last week and a week past when I requested the dresses be ordered I randomly asked if she had ordered her dressall of the BM's have paid for their dress at this point. nbsp;She said no, so I called the bridal shop to make sure we still had time and no rush fee would be charged they said we have about a week at the most so I told my MOH this and asked if it was possible to get the dress next week. nbsp;She goes on to tell me that she is short in her check book and it might not work this month, but she will try....she then asked if I wanted her to "bow out" of the wedding? nbsp;I TOTALLY understand having money issue..we all struggle, but dont you think I gave her enough time to save AND i made it clear if there was a problem then tell me... I would have been happy to pay for the dress! nbsp;I think it was a combination of alot of things, but this just send me over the edge. nbsp;Posted by mzamanda1If you're happy to pay for it, couldn't you do that then? It can just be between you and her; the others BMs don't have to know. I understand that some people hate taking money from others. Could you casually say, "Well I'd hate to have you pay a rush fee for getting it later. Why don't I just go in and pay for it up front so we can get it ordered?" If she says yes and that she wants to pay you back later, great. If not, you said you were OK with paying for it.Do not tell her to step down. If she doesn't want you paying for it and never ends up ordering the dress herself, she's taken herself out of the wedding. It does sound like she's not crazy about being in the wedding, just as you weren't crazy about having her in it. It seems more like you both felt obligated to do this than anythingdo you think she's LOOKING for a way out of the wedding? Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

I think we were both looking for a way for her to be out of the wedding. We are both at fault, but it all happens for a reason I guess

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

I sent you a private msg.

mbcdefg · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b563511-d1ca-4529-a733-ab353d9b1a25Post:9e94d3f5-3282-490f-907c-45f8e10f93bc">Re:ventlong!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:ventlong!: Being in a wedding comes with financial responsibility!
Posted by mzamanda1[/QUOTE]

Yes, but YOU don't get to decide what those finances are. Your responsibility to your friends is to find out what they're willing/able to spend and then work around that.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b563511-d1ca-4529-a733-ab353d9b1a25Post:9e94d3f5-3282-490f-907c-45f8e10f93bc">Re:ventlong!</a>:
[QUOTE]I paid for everything in her wedding and was never asked of what my budget was! I was trying to be upfront with people as early as I could be. I trusted if there was a problem they would let me know. I was NOT trying to tell people what they had to spend.
Posted by mzamanda1[/QUOTE]

Your friend was wrong to just tell you what to spend. Likewise, though, you were free to speak up and tell her that it was too much if you felt that way. And just because she was inconsiderate enough to do it to you, doesn't make it OK for you to do it to her.

You said you trusted her to tell you if there was a problem. Well, obviously, she felt (for whatever reason) that she couldn't tell you that it was too much. Maybe she was embarrassed, maybe she thought you'd be mad, or maybe she was OK with the price at the time and now all of a sudden she doesn't have the money available. Find a way to work around it (you said you would've gladly paid for it ... so why can't you do that now?), or accept that she can't afford it, but it's not right to get mad at her over this.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b563511-d1ca-4529-a733-ab353d9b1a25Post:9e94d3f5-3282-490f-907c-45f8e10f93bc">Re:ventlong!</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't know me and you don't know her.. I was looking for support not some snobby response!
Posted by mzamanda1[/QUOTE]

Duh, of course I don't know you or her. I was just going by what you said. Your original post, plus your follow-up, still doesn't make it very clear to me whether or not you asked her what she wanted to spend before you chose the dress. Did you ask her for her budget before you picked the dress, or not?

Support isn't just blindly telling you that you're right, and telling you that it's wrong to just set a price for dresses isn't "snobby."

That's not even close to the definition of "snobby" ... "snobby" would be telling you that, say, dresses below $300 are always tacky. Maybe you mean that I'm "snotty," but there was nothing mean or rude about what I wrote to you.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b563511-d1ca-4529-a733-ab353d9b1a25Post:9e94d3f5-3282-490f-907c-45f8e10f93bc">Re:ventlong!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:ventlong!: Being in a wedding comes with financial responsibility! I paid for everything in her wedding and was never asked of what my budget was! I was trying to be upfront with people as early as I could be. I trusted if there was a problem they would let me know. I was NOT trying to tell people what they had to spend. You don't know me and you don't know her.. I was looking for support not some snobby response!
Posted by mzamanda1[/QUOTE]

Actually the financial responsibility is on your end also. It was your responsibility to get a budget from each of the BMs, stay within that budget and then it is their responsibility to pay. Just because you were mistreated does not give you the right to do the same to her.

RebeccaB88 · June 2012

I don't understand why, if you don't mind paying for the dress, you haven't just done it and moved on. Are you hoping she'll drop out of the wedding?

aerinpegadrak · June 2012

A gracious bride and a good friend consults her bridesmaids on their budgets before dress shopping and sticks to the agreed upon price. If you didn't do that, then you were clearly being neither. I also agree that if you're willing to pay for it and this is stressing you out, just pay and move on. I'm not sure what point you're trying to prove, or if it's really worth all this extra stress trying to prove it.

bratto06 · June 2012

You made your bed by not asking them if they are able to afford what you want..If you really value her(the way she is now) then pay for the dress so she can share your special day

EAJ2011 · June 2012

Ok, maybe I'm just weird and a horrible person but I see no problem with you picking out a BM dress YOU like and telling your BMs. You offered to help anyone pay for the dress, thus taking full finacial burden off of them. I have never been consulted on what my budget was or even what dress I liked as a BM. I wore what the birde wanted me to wear and never complained to the bride. So I see no problem with what you did and think that your MOH is just looking for a way out.

32daisies · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b563511-d1ca-4529-a733-ab353d9b1a25Post:e1b9249e-ba8c-4d99-a52c-97ea759f7274">Re: vent-long!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, maybe I'm just weird and a horrible person but I see no problem with you picking out a BM dress YOU like and telling your BMs. You offered to help anyone pay for the dress, thus taking full finacial burden off of them. I have never been consulted on what my budget was or even what dress I liked as a BM. I wore what the birde wanted me to wear and never complained to the bride. So I see no problem with what you did and think that your MOH is just looking for a way out.
Posted by EAJ2011[/QUOTE]

This. I think they both are looking for a way out.

It's the minority opinion around here, but I've never been consulted on such things, as a bridesmaid. I wear what I'm asked to wear and do so without complaint.

mzamanda1 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b563511-d1ca-4529-a733-ab353d9b1a25Post:0cd23680-5e70-45c7-a7ff-84750ce55fbc">Re: vent-long!</a>:
[QUOTE]I sent you a private msg.
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>sent you one back!</div>

vent-long!

Re: vent-long!

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