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Crazy family members...

kdb921kdb921
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So, we get engaged, everyone is very excited, congrats all around!!! yeah! :) The day after we are calling everyone to tell them, and here is the response from my fiance's dad, "are you sure you really want to do this?" Seriously? Lets start with if you knew your son at all you would know that he doesn't make decisions lightly.

So, things progress to about 2 months later, and he's hanging out with his dad for the day. It started with 1. what a horrible person they think I am 2. didn't like where we are getting married 3. when we are getting married 4. asked how my parents were going to help us, because "they don't seem that well off" It was just a slew of nastiness. First off, insult my momma and I will freaking stomp you to the ground. Secondly, they (dad and step mom), because they no longer have control over his life. When I came into his life a few years ago I was shocked at how crappy his dad treated him, yet how he "controlled" his adult son. So, we changed some things. 

They don't want to be apart of the wedding is what they say. So is it wrong to not send them an invitation or include them on invitations and announcements? Frankly at this point I'd rather cut off a toe than deal with them.  The rest of my fiance's family has been wonderful and are all looking forward to everything. I just don't know how to deal with this properly.

Before someone suggests "talking to them", we have. It ends in yelling/and or crying. 

Weddings are suppose to be happy times...and as long as the words "dad and step mom" don't come up in our household, we are happy! 
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Re: Crazy family members...

  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You know, there is only one person who can make the decision on whether to invite them and include them.  That is your FI.  How does he feel about it?  Has he said he doesn't want them there?
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  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    are you guys young? maybe that has something to do with the response?
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_crazy-family-members?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39d0f0bb-e909-4b63-825c-5d0f67414da3Post:aeb662ed-0a78-42cd-9c18-d609fbbf58f2">Re: Crazy family members...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You know, there is only one person who can make the decision on whether to invite them and include them.  That is your FI.  How does he feel about it?  Has he said he doesn't want them there?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.   Unless your FI doesn't want to include them just stop thinking this way.  </div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • egeurtsegeurts
    Fifth Anniversary 100 Comments
    I agree with PP that it's up to FI whether or not he wants to deal with them.

     BUT if it were my situation, I would invite them out of courtesy, because not inviting them is stooping to their level of nastiness. Imagine what they would say about you if they didn't get an invite- it would just be fuel for the fire! And then try having some sort of security on hand at the wedding in case there is drama and they need to be told to leave and escorted out. 
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  • LoopysevenLoopyseven member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_crazy-family-members?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39d0f0bb-e909-4b63-825c-5d0f67414da3Post:aeb662ed-0a78-42cd-9c18-d609fbbf58f2">Re: Crazy family members...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You know, there is only one person who can make the decision on whether to invite them and include them.  That is your FI.  How does he feel about it?  Has he said he doesn't want them there?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>What Kmm said.  This is your FI's call.  He has to make it, and he has to be okay with it, and he has to live with it for the rest of his life.  We didn't invite my H's dad to our wedding.  I've been with H for 9 years and I have never met the man who is technically my FIL.  They cut ties a long time ago.  As long as your FI is okay with the decision, do whatever he wants.  </div><div>
    </div><div>There's nothing wrong with inviting them as guests.  If they are not contributing to the wedding at all you don't need to mention them on the invitation in any way.  Not sure if you are talking wedding announcements after the fact, or announcing parents as part of an entrance at the reception or what.  If you're talking reception, you could just not announce
    parents at all.  We just announced our wedding party and ourselves in our "grand entrance".  If it's a wedding announcement sent out after the fact, the most he'd get there is a son of FIL & SMIL, so I'd probably go ahead and include that nod to the biology as it's no skin of anyone's nose.</div>
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  • arendivaarendiva member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    I think to keep family peace (or rather to avoid further drama) I would invite them. But you should definitely NOT put their names on the invites. If they don't support your marriage it is presumptious to put their names on your invites proclaiming their happiness. It's just insincere.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Not inviting a parent is pretty much cutting off the relationship.  That's a huge decision, and not one you can make for your FI.  You shouldn't even be pushing one way or the other.  If he doesn't want a relationship with his father, he needs to be the one to make that call.  

    If you are including all the other sets of parents by name on the invitation, it would be pretty spiteful and childish to just exclude his dad.  You could get around that by using "together with their families" and not calling anyone by name.   
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  • melb2013melb2013 member
    2500 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_crazy-family-members?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39d0f0bb-e909-4b63-825c-5d0f67414da3Post:e6895784-afdd-42e4-8e0e-b0af73d1eb98">Re: Crazy family members...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I would invite them, but not interact with them and absolutely NOT talk wedding with them at all. Doge, evade, give vague answers, bean dip, the works. They don't need to know anything prior to the invite reaching their mailbox, so you might want to practice these handy lines: "It's all taken care of. We're very happy with our decision. Hey, how about that new movie coming out?"  "I'm sorry you feel that way, but we've made this decision with confidence and we're happy about it."  "We haven't made any final selections, but I know it will be terrific!"  "That's really not something I'm comfortable discussing. Would you like to try these cookies I baked?"  "I'm sorry, but our decision is final and this discussion is over."  In the end, the decision is up to your FI on whether or not he invites him, and be sure to have his back either way. 
    Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This.  My father had the worst relationship a person could have with his parents, but he invited his parents to their wedding anyway.  His parents didn't come, but they were invited, which in my opinion, was the right thing to do.

    </div>

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  • kdb921kdb921
    First Comment
    My FI acutally made the choice to not invite them unless "things change" I'm the one having a hard time with it. I cut ties with my biological father years ago and have come to terms with that, but I don't feel he is ready for such a step. 

    and no, we aren't "young" so thats not why they are having issue. His father is just a very controlling person and when he can't constantly be in controll of everyone around him, then things are right in his world.
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_crazy-family-members?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39d0f0bb-e909-4b63-825c-5d0f67414da3Post:571da430-ddae-4211-8abc-c06fc0173bd7">Re: Crazy family members...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI acutally made the choice to not invite them unless "things change" I'm the one having a hard time with it. I cut ties with my biological father years ago and have come to terms with that, but I don't feel he is ready for such a step.  and no, we aren't "young" so thats not why they are having issue. His father is just a very controlling person and when he can't constantly be in controll of everyone around him, then things are right in his world.
    Posted by kdb921[/QUOTE]

    My future FIL is like the diet coke version of yours.  We've heard all the "are you sure?" etc lines.  Good luck with yours.
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  • HopefulLifeHopefulLife
    100 Comments

    Similar issue here too so all I'll say is follow your fi's lead on this one and good luck.


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