fmil vent again

i2012do · October 2011

I feel like I am always venting about fmil. she is so far away, and does really little. So she shouldnt bother me so much. but its the LITTLE that she does that does bother me.

So I sent an email to FMIL sending her the mock up of our STD's etc. She said they were nice and then i asked her a question on inviting someone in their family. She didnt answer my question and said "its your wedding, do what you want, if you hurt someones feelings in my family, you hurt them". I figured she took what i wrote the wrong way and i wrote back that i was trying to ask her advice so NO on'es feelings were hurt.

Then i got to this part of the email. That really Set me off. When we first got engaged, Fiance wanted to get married in 2011. However, after speaking to his parents they said they thought they'd be financially unable to save up and attend a wedding in 2011 across the country (where we now live and where i am from). So we planned a 2012 wedding- mainly to help them save and give them time to plan. In retrospect it helped us pay off most of the wedding so we arent ending up in debt too and allowed me to become wedding-obsessive diy nutbag that i am.

well int he email she wrote "i don't know how we are going to make it work, but we are going to HAVE to make it work finanically and igure out a way to get out there to attend my son's wedding. I wish money grows on trees, and im not sure if you know this or not, but it doesnt. It is REALLY expensive and we REALLY have to start saving for the wedding if we are even going to be able to make it there. I am sure if your parents had to travel theyd understand and be struggling too. This is so hard"

Here is the thing, we are SO blessed that my parents are paying for 75% of the wedding. So the cost of planning and pying for the wedding is likely almost 10x the cost of their plane tickets. Also, my parents have offered to let them stay, at their home so they don't have to pay for a hotel. So I feel like my parents DO have a financial burden and WE do too. and she is totally not taking that into consideration. I didn't email back.

I wouldn't be so mad, if they didin't drive to vegas this weekend.....

sorry. had to vent

CowgirlK39 · October 2011

Let her carry on about her money woes. You probably feel like you want to say "Congrats, you realized that weddings cost MONEY!" But refrain. She should have known as soon as you got married that she would indeed have to save and prepare for that. My brother is getting married about 900 miles away 7 months after I get married. I have to prepare for that because he is my brother and I wouldnt miss it for any dollar in the world. She should feel that way too, but sadly her mind is on her wallet. All you can do is keep suggesting things, like what your parents offered, and if she refuses and continues to complain, then you did your best. Does your FI talk to her about making the trip? I would begin to ask him to step in and try to deal with her rants instead of you.

lbarr088 · October 2011

With 75% of the wedding cost already covered what is she complaining about? My FILs are paying for rehearsal dinner and then cake, and maybe if there's any leftover money something little. My FI and I are handling the rest after my parents contribution (+/- 75%). It is definitely HARD to save but it could be a lot worse. Let her complain and hopefully she will get over the money fact and start enjoying that her son is going to marry the woman of his dreams

Yeeesh I hate money drama.

MairePoppy · October 2011

That email was pretty rude. You have postponed your wedding a year, at FILs request, in order to give them some time to save up for the wedding. And your parents are offering a guest room. That's very nice of all of you.
You should ask fi to respond to the email.

Maggie0829 · October 2011

I would let your FI handle his mother from now on. The email she sent you was extremely rude especially since you have sacrificed and changed things to make it easier on them. Honestly I wouldn't talk about wedding things anymore with her and if you must discuss something then have your FI talk with her.

LittleMissCutiePie · October 2011

I agree with PPs. When it comes to FILs, the FI should almost always deal with it, not you. Ask your FI to speak to them, if only to let them know that she hurt your feelings.

i2012do · October 2011

I told FI about her email. and I simply said "is there anything in this email that irritates or upsets you". And he knew right away. He got visually upset. I feel bad.

He tries to call his parents but they never return his calls. His half sister said she overheard FI's mom say to someone that she doesn't call TJ for "fear" that he is going to ask her for money to support his "fancy smanchy" wedding.

First. It isnt all that fancy schmanzy itslike a normal, average wedding. Secondly, I can't believe she is purposely ignoring fiances calls.

this is the root of a much larger issue that fiance deals with with his parents.
I didn't even mention that she also avoids my mom. My mom is , yes, overbearing. But shes really good hearted and she sent fiances family a card being liek "welcome to the family! we are so happy to celebrate with you" and my mom called his mom twice- and she IGNORES everything.

At this point, I just want to throw my hands in the air.
I told fiance he has to stand up for me, and he does say stuff- but it goes right over her head.

I am just paranoid for him that somehow his parents like, won't show up to his wedding- which is BEYOND anything i could ever imagine a parent doing- but I NEVER know with his family.

I keep puttig myself in fiances shoes- he must feel heartbroken.

em01092 · October 2011

As long as your FI has your back, that is key. You guys need to be on the same page about things (WR or NWR) and he should stand up for you if she says things that are rude and inappropriate or hurt your feelings.

If he's saying things to her, whether she listens and does anything is out of his hands. You can also try to limit the time you choose to spend around her. I would say your FI should GO see her and have a sit down with her, explaining that you do not need a lot of money from them since you and your family have taken on well over the majority of costs. You guys also control the guest list.

They are not obligated to pay for anything, even if they said they would. It's shiitty of them to offer/say they will and then not, but there is nothing you can do. If they don't have the money, they don't have it.

As for the part about ignoring your mom, yeah that was sort of rude not to say anything back, but some people aren't into family stuff as much as others. She sounds a little snobby, so I would tell your mom just to not take it personally.

i2012do · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9586e34e-6612-4ae8-b8f9-d599026ce371Post:a3390e27-c212-4190-a3ec-6334d00f5645">Re: fmil vent again</a>:
[QUOTE]As long as your FI has your back, that is key. You guys need to be on the same page about things (WR or NWR) and he should stand up for you if she says things that are rude and inappropriate or hurt your feelings. If he's saying things to her, whether she listens and does anything is out of his hands. You can also try to limit the time you choose to spend around her.<strong> I would say your FI should GO see her and have a sit down with her</strong>, explaining that you do not need a lot of money from them since you and your family have taken on well over the majority of costs. You guys also control the guest list. They are not obligated to pay for anything, even if they said they would. It's shiitty of them to offer/say they will and then not, but there is nothing you can do. If they don't have the money, they don't have it. As for the part about ignoring your mom, yeah that was sort of rude not to say anything back, but some people aren't into family stuff as much as others. She sounds a little snobby, so I would tell your mom just to not take it personally.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

i think this would help. But we can't afford extra expenses like plane tickets now, since we are paying for 25% of this wedding.

I don't trust they will pay for anything- even though they offered. So I started and "emergency wedding fund" on the side. So that if the rehearsel dinner comes, and they haven't paid, we can pay it.

It's just a shame that we moved the date- and they still haven't saved a penny.

I know for a fact she is ignoring my mom because shes" afaird" my mom will ask her to contribute. Which my mom would NEVER do. But I am assuming FMIL lives in fear of talking about the wedding, fearing we will ask her to help out in some way. I think she ignores all wedding talk beause of this.

kaitlyn&henry · October 2011

Thats really very childish of her...avoiding someone out of fear of something you arent even sure they will do is just ridiculous. Just ignore her comments about money...its extremely rude of her to say things like that to you--especially when it is said with anything but good intentions.

Keep being the bigger person...same to your mom and you will know you all tried the best you could. You cant force her to come around and stop doing what shes doing. Im sorry you have to deal with this, but good luck and try to enjoy the planning process because it all comes and goes before you know it!

steffenfam · October 2011

I'm sure they will come to the wedding, but it sounds like they will complain about the cost (maybe hoping you'll help them out?). Just ignore their comments if they make them.

I would definitely plan on paying for the rehearsal dinner yourselves, because if the in-laws are having a hard time coming up with travel expenses they sure don't have the money to pay for a RD. And you probably don't want to hear them complaining about it anyway.

Good luck!

PGrant · November 2011

Don't concern yourself about venting too much about your FMIL. I feel/felt the same way about my now MIL. The thing is, you are probably 100% right about her. She is not going to change. My FMIL decided (it seemed) the day we got engaged that I was no longer acceptable. I know I didn't (and to the best of my knowledge) DH didn't ask her for any money towards anything wedding related. I believe that she did decide (on her own) to pay for tuxedos for some of the ushers (who are all her sons and sons in law), but again, her choice. Stand your ground, be who you are. She never even spoke to me on the day of the wedding. She didn't speak to my mother until my mother hunted her down to attempt to speak to her. I would never ask (and encourage you never to ask) my husband to "choose" between the two of us. She is his mother after all. However, as I have told him she doesn't get to run (or interfere) our lives. It's nice that doing certain things (like insisting on bringing the entire meal when she is invited to dinner - - and no, she doesn't have food allergies and even if she did I would cook around them) but if they make me unhappy in my own home they are not happening. She may be the mother and therefore get to control some things, but I am the wife and I don't have to be made miserable in my own home.

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