What should I do?

FutureMrsMoyer · August 2010

Hey ladies,

I am normally on the DIY board, but I have a non-DIY question I need help with...

Our bridal party is very small... MOH and Best Man with 2 flower girls.

I am about 5 weeks away from my wedding and my MOH has not done anything for a bridal shower. I know this cause, she had emailed my Aunt about 4 weeks ago asking if she would like to be a part of it. My Aunt has not heard anything back from her about planning it.

I am not trying to be a bridzella by any means. I honestly do not really care if I get a bridal shower or anything else. BUT here is my dilemma... I have gotten her A LOT of gifts so far because I knew she was the only girl in the party and would be swamped with things to do with me... Well up to this point, she hasn't really done anything except go dress shopping with me about a year ago. I have asked her to help with my DIY projects which she always says "yes" but then will never follow through... OK no biggy! I can do my own projects, that's fine...
But I planned on getting her a very expensive and good quality necklace and earring set for her to be able to wear not only with her dress but also to other places after the wedding.

Since she has not done much of anything, should I continue with my plan to spend so much on this or just get something cheaper since I have bought her a ton of other gifts?

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

Hmmm. Interesting situation. I would get her a smaller gift, if it were me. I would also stop relying on her. Just ask her to show up in the dress on your wedding. It sucks, especially since you thought she'd be there for you to help, etc.

You can't do anything about the shower, though. If it happens, yay toasters. If it doesn't, no harm. Someone else has to throw it for you. You can't do it or ask someone to do it or hint for someone to do it.

I would refrain from relying on her, and count your blessings that you can do all this yourself.

trix1223 · August 2010

I'm glad that you realize that she isn't required to throw you a shower or b-party. Give yourself one point.

But.....the gift isn't a tit for tat to repay her for what she's done for you. It's a thank you for standing up with you on your wedding day. So it sounds a little childish to say "You didn't give me any parties, so I'm not giving you a nice gift."

And do you know for sure that she hasn't planned anything? Sometimes showers ARE surprises, after all. Maybe your aunt is just saying that to throw you off.

Many showers are held in the last month before a wedding.

GL

APW2010 · August 2010

Is the gift already accounted for in your budget? Do you still love your MOH even if she didn't throw you the parties? If it was me I'd probably still get her the nice gift.

While you can't ask about the shower directly, I personally think it is just fine if you ask her if you should keep any weekend free in the next month.

FutureMrsMoyer · August 2010

I know gifts are not equalized by what she has done or thrown. Trust me, by no means do I expect anyone to throw any kind of party for me. I have been married before so I know how much work goes into something like that. I do believe the gifts that I have already bought for her are sufficient to say "thank you" for standing up next to me at the alter for 15 minutes.

I do understand that surprise part, but my Aunt came to me out of good faith because she was lost on what was going on. She didn't understand why she has not heard back from my MOH after she replied to her.

I am at the point to where if it happens, it happens... But honestly all my weekends are booked with things that are going on that I would not have the time to attend my own shower!

vegasgroom · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_should-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:fa125b0c-d4c1-4cfb-9387-309b92845602Post:432df0ba-8cb9-462d-895a-e587878811ee">What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have gotten her A LOT of gifts so far because I knew she was the only girl in the party and would be swamped with things to do with me... Well up to this point, she hasn't really done anything except go dress shopping with me about a year ago. I have asked her to help with my DIY projects which she always says "yes" but then will never follow through...
Posted by FutureMrsMoyer[/QUOTE]

Why did you think she'd be swamped with things to do for your wedding? Did you ask her to be MOH with the intention of swamping her with things to do for YOUR wedding?

My best man will be getting a very nice gift, as will all my groomsmen, and I'm not asking them to do anything, they got asked to be my groomsmen because they're the people who have been there for me and who I know will continue to be a part of my life for the rest of my life. His gift won't change if he doesn't end up planning a bachelor party for me.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

If the gift is based upon what she's done for you, it's no longer a gift, it's a payment for services rendered.

Besides, she's under no obligation to help you with your DIY projects. It's nice if people can help, but they don't HAVE to.

FutureMrsMoyer · August 2010

I did not expect her at all to be "swamped" with my things to do. She offered since day one to help out. I have always been the type to do things on my own so when she offered I did at first decline. But whenever I brought up my DIY projects she kept pushing to help. I finally caved in to ask her but now she won't even show up. If she doesn't want to help, then that is no big deal but please just have some decency to say that. Excuse me if I say, I have bought her some very nice gifts already and just was not sure if I should continue buying MORE expensive nice gifts.

kayboo1218 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_should-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:fa125b0c-d4c1-4cfb-9387-309b92845602Post:15f6f602-cbc8-451c-b4bc-64de8fce8ca9">Re: What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I had the opposite problem a while back when I was the MOH. I worked my butt off and threw a fantastic shower that cost a fortune and you know what I got for a gift? Not a damn thing. But here is the thing. It wasn't that I didn't get a pricey or nice gift vs. a more economical or smaller gift that hurt my feelings. It was not being recognized for my contribution at all. So honor her contribution, no matter how small, with something meaningful. It doesn't have to be expensive to come from the heart and anyone can spend a lot of money on something that could be a gift for anyone and not anything very special at all. Know what I mean? As far as the shower, ask your mom or sister to put a feeler out to see if it is gonna happen. Not because you are soliciting gifts but because it is tradition and you want to be prepared and available since you only have a few weeks left. If there isn't one planned, I am sure someone in your family/circle of friends will jump at the chance to host a party for you. Good luck!
Posted by mica001[/QUOTE]

Yep. A few years ago 2 other BM's and myself threw a shower for the B2B and didn't even get as much as a THANK YOU. Actually, she was upset with us b/c she wanted a surprise shower! Given the situation we were in there was no way we could have pulled that off.

Op, good for you for wanting to show your BM your appreciation. I also agree that if she is a good friend you should give her a gift she deserves for being such....not base it on what she has done for the wedding.

Belle2Be · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_should-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:fa125b0c-d4c1-4cfb-9387-309b92845602Post:432df0ba-8cb9-462d-895a-e587878811ee">What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey ladies, I am normally on the DIY board, but I have a non-DIY question I need help with... Our bridal party is very small... MOH and Best Man with 2 flower girls. I am about 5 weeks away from my wedding and my MOH has not done anything for a bridal shower. I know this cause, she had emailed my Aunt about 4 weeks ago asking if she would like to be a part of it. My Aunt has not heard anything back from her about planning it. I am not trying to be a bridzella by any means. I honestly do not really care if I get a bridal shower or anything else. BUT here is my dilemma... I have gotten her A LOT of gifts so far because I knew she was the only girl in the party and would be swamped with things to do with me... Well up to this point, she hasn't really done anything except go dress shopping with me about a year ago. I have asked her to help with my DIY projects which she always says "yes" but then will never follow through... OK no biggy! I can do my own projects, that's fine... But I planned on getting her a very expensive and good quality necklace and earring set for her to be able to wear not only with her dress but also to other places after the wedding. Since she has not done much of anything, should I continue with my plan to spend so much on this or just get something cheaper since I have bought her a ton of other gifts?
Posted by FutureMrsMoyer[/QUOTE]

HOnestly, I'd go cheaper. The whole reason you were going to give her this great gift was because you were expecting her to be a above and beyond MOH, and she's not being one.

honeybunches101 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_should-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:fa125b0c-d4c1-4cfb-9387-309b92845602Post:f7e90b11-5316-419b-9508-e43af77268c2">Re: What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I did not expect her at all to be "swamped" with my things to do. She offered since day one to help out. I have always been the type to do things on my own so when she offered I did at first decline. But whenever I brought up my DIY projects she kept pushing to help. I finally caved in to ask her but now she won't even show up. If she doesn't want to help, then that is no big deal but please just have some decency to say that. Excuse me if I say, I have bought her some very nice gifts already and just was not sure if I should continue buying MORE expensive nice gifts.
Posted by FutureMrsMoyer[/QUOTE]

I'd stick with the gifts you already bought. Or, if you can, take those back and buy the necklace instead. If she does end up hosting a shower for you, you can get her something else as a hostess/thank you gift.

jamjar11 · August 2010

LMAO honestly, OP, I would probably just stop buying her gifts if I were you. Give her whatever you already got her if you have something, but don't continue to spend money on her gift. Like PP said, any gift thats from the heart will suffice, it really is the thought that counts in tis situation.

The reason for my laughter is that this will probably be the case with my MOH. She already missed all of my big planning events because she decided to work out of state for the summer, which is fine. But now she is saying she is going to stay for an undetermined amount of time (yep, she met a guy). She'll probably be home in a few months, but she's already missing so much of my planning experience. And honestly, she doesn't really seem to care all that much. Oh well. If nothing else she will put on a dress and stand there, whatever. But I can tell you I'm not planning on any extra special gift for her. I will be getting gifts for all my girls, but hers won't be anything special just because she's MOH. At this point my other BMs have ben there for me much more than she has. Oh... did I mention my MOH is my sister? LOL

Anyway, the moral is, if you already bought her stuff, great. She gets awesome gifts. If you haven't, don't go expensive. But give her something.

FutureMrsMoyer · August 2010

For the ones that understand what I am meaning, THANK YOU!

I have sent her 3 emails now asking her opinion on different items and to my surprise I am not even getting a response on my emails now. These emails are not to ask her to come help me with ANYTHING..just an opinion. For instance, she is a vegetarian and I wanted her opinion on the menu that FI and I have picked out. Basically so that I know there will be something she can eat. BUT no response.

Well can't say I didn't try.

trix1223 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_should-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:fa125b0c-d4c1-4cfb-9387-309b92845602Post:f089126a-a3a5-4b9b-b456-c388b68d6571">Re: What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]LMAO honestly, OP, I would probably just stop buying her gifts if I were you. Give her whatever you already got her if you have something, but don't continue to spend money on her gift. Like PP said, any gift thats from the heart will suffice, it really is the thought that counts in tis situation. The reason for my laughter is that this will probably be the case with my MOH. She already missed all of my big planning events because she decided to work out of state for the summer,

She doesn't have to attend any "planning events". Your wedding =yours to plan. What "planning events" do you think she was obligated to attend?

which is fine. But now she is saying she is going to stay for an undetermined amount of time (yep, she met a guy). She'll probably be home in a few months, but she's already missing so much of my planning experience. And honestly, she doesn't really seem to care all that much.

You said it: It's YOUR planning experience, not hers. She was working, and happily, she met someone interesting. She should give that up for YOUR "planning experience?" Of course she doesn't care all that much. It's not her wedding.

Oh well. If nothing else she will put on a dress and stand there, whatever.

That IS her "job description" as a MOH. Get the dress. Walk down the aisle. Stand for the ceremony. Smile for the pictures.

But I can tell you I'm not planning on any extra special gift for her. I will be getting gifts for all my girls, but hers won't be anything special just because she's MOH. At this point my other BMs have ben there for me much more than she has. Oh... did I mention my MOH is my sister? 

Wow. 

LOL Anyway, the moral is, if you already bought her stuff, great. She gets awesome gifts. If you haven't, don't go expensive. But give her something.
Posted by jamjar11[/QUOTE]

jamjar11 · August 2010

Lol whoa trix. Cool your jets. No need for the intensity.

I suppose I could clarify, though. I didn't realize it had come across that dramatic. Sorry for giving the wrong impression if I did, I didn't mean to get anyone in a tizzy.

What I meant by "planning events" that she didn't get to attend were specific ones she really expressed excitement and was adamant about attending, like cake tastings (she is going to school to be a pastry chef). It was something really special that her, FI, and I had planned together before the job opportunity came up, and now I can't have her a part of that, which I'm sad about. And she was like my number one wedding cheerleader that I could go to with all of my ideas and nervous breakdowns and fears and excitement. We were so pumped about doing things together before the job thing happened, and then it was like she was gone and I lost my whole support system. I didn't get to have her there to share my dress shopping with, which was really hard on me. And I can't really get a hold of her very often, so I don't get to even talk to her about any of it. When I do talk to her, I feel like she has so much going on with what she's doing that my wedding stuff isn't really important. Its been a little heartbreaking.

I'm quite aware she is not required to do any of these things in her job description. But it still really sucks not having her there during really special, important emotional moments. I mean, she's my sister. I don't really have many close friends, and no other family members I can talk to and share wedding stuff with, and poor FI needs a break from hearing me talk once and a while. Which is usually why I come here, because I have no one else to talk about wedding stuff with. If all I can have her for is to stand there with me that day, great. It will still be special to me. That doesn't mean I can't be sad because she isn't here to share other parts of it with me.

Anyway, I'm not mad at her for going or for meeting a guy. I think its great and she gets to have an amazing experience and live her life. I may be a little bit bitter at her for not deciding when she is coming home... since while she is gone I'm handling all of her finances (bank account, bills, etc.) and I am housing all of her stuff in my second bedroom in my brand new apartment thus so basically wasting money on square footage to house her stuff, and I took in her cat which beats up my cat every chance they are together (I have to keep them in separate rooms now because my cat was getting injured). And I offered to do all that for her and have not let out a peep of annoyance specifically because I want her to have a wonderful experience. It was originally supposed to be for 3 months, then 4, and now 6 or more. Its making me a little crazy in more ways than just the wedding stuff.

So, in conclusion trix, while I see the validity of your comments, I think they were a bit hasty and off the mark. In re-reading my original post, I do seem to have worded things a bit hastily myself. However, unless one lays the whole of their feelings out there at once, its easy to misinterpret one aspect of what is almost always a cacophony of different emotions surrounding a particular situation. So, hope that clears things up. And if it doesn't, eh, oh well. I've got to say it still felt pretty therapeutic to get my weird mash up of feelings out. I suppose I should thank you for the angst-tinged assumptions.

Oh, and OP, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to steal your thread. I just needed to get that confusion out of the way.

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