Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress

shoegal715 · November 2010

I am a walking cautionary tale:

1. Don't pick your bridesmaid early. Take some time after you're engaged and think it through.

2. Don't pick a bridesmaid solely on the basis that you were in her wedding, and therefore she should be in yours.

3. Don't pick someone you don't like very much, hoping your kindness will bring you close.

4. Don't pick your fiance's brother's wife because she is "family"

I did all of the above 4 with this one girl and it's been nothing but stressful. I posted about a month ago about the bridesmaid who's giving me grief. It's not that she hasn't "done anything" because there is nothing to do with the wedding plans - no shower, stag and doe etc. I don't want or need help from my bridesmaids.

Anyway, long story short, I was in her wedding 2 years ago and it was a disaster. She was the biggest bridezilla demanding everyone's time, money and sanity.

A month ago I sent an FB message to my bridesmaids saying I was in the country this weekend and wanted to go bridesmaid dress shopping. All were onboard. I get a message from this bridesmaid: "I have plans. Thanks though." It REALLY annoyed me, not just because she was pulling this selfish behaviour again, but because she couldn't even follow up the message with "how about another time" or "let me know how it goes."

Anyway, my 4 bridesmaids and I went shopping and had a great time. I'm actually she glad she wasn't there. I got all of my bridesmaids budgets beforehand (privately) and the consensus was we're going to aim for $150 - $200.

The 5 of us found a perfect $160 dress. I sent it to FSIL and 3 weeks later she gets around to responding to me:

"Sorry, I've been busy. Is that the dress? I think I will look like a bell. I don't really like it. Sorry."

That's the extent of her message.

I know a solution would be to allow her to pick another dress, but the problem is 4 of the other girls LOVED the dress and if FSIL wears a different dress she will stand out / look like the MOH and that is just something I don't want.

We want to order the dresses within the next month or so, and I'm just so ready to tell FSIL to forget about being a bridesmaid.

I hate her like poison. My fiance, ILs agree - they can't stand her either.

Beachy730 · November 2010

Don't tell her to forget about being a BM. After the responses you've gotten, or lack of responses, I would just say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, hopefully you'll like it when you try it on. Its at ______ store, and they need to be ordered by this date."

shoegal715 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dont-like-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9481e62-4847-46c9-9ea7-b97f3b2e8e0ePost:fe2a152d-782e-4afe-a223-c71525bcd17f">Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't tell her to forget about being a BM. After the responses you've gotten, or lack of responses, I would just say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, hopefully you'll like it when you try it on. Its at ______ store, and they need to be ordered by this date."
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>Good advice. That message would work in theory, but I know her. She's going to continue to say she doesn't like it.</div><div>
</div><div>Do I say order this dress by this date or you're not in the WP? </div>

AmeliaAndSeth8890 · November 2010

If she doesn't get the dress in time she has taken herself out of the WP anyway. You odn't explicitly say it, it IS however, implied. She knows what the dress style is, where to find it and when to order it by - if she doesn't do these things, she removed herself voluntarily. Just see what happens.

Beachy730 · November 2010

I probably wouldn't say it like that. Maybe something like "I hope that you can overlook your feelings on the dress and will still be a BM. It needs to be ordered by this date."

I'm sorry you're going through this. And its worse that its your FSIL because you can't just ignore her after the wedding.

Summer2011Bride · November 2010

I don't know that I would threaten the "you're out of the WP." She is acting unreasonable and rude. I could understand voicing her opinion if she went shopping with you guys, but she didn't. She made no effort and made no solution to not liking it. So I get where you're coming from.

I would send the message the PP suggested. if she still gives you grief, just saying "Again, I'm sorry you don't like it. It was unfortunate you couldn't make it dress shopping or perhaps it could have gotten sorted out then. However, the other BM's love this dress and some have ordered their already/are ordering their soon (whichever is true). I'm sure you will look great it in. I really need you to order it by _____ (fill in date) so it comes in in time."

If she does NOT order it, at that point, perhaps have a disussion about whether it's in everyone's interest if she's not in WP. Also, she can't really be in it without a dress, so if she doesn't order it, she's taking herself out of it. GOod luck!

ootmother2 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dont-like-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9481e62-4847-46c9-9ea7-b97f3b2e8e0ePost:fe2a152d-782e-4afe-a223-c71525bcd17f">Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't tell her to forget about being a BM. After the responses you've gotten, or lack of responses, I would just say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, hopefully you'll like it when you try it on. Its at ______ store, and they need to be ordered by this date."
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

ditto

We've all been subjected to BM dresses that are not what we would personally choose. I think in this case, you're being reasonable. Majority rules

crfische · November 2010

Don't get me started on horrific bridesmaid dresses. I have enough to open a store.

They gave you good advice, but I really wanna see a picture of the dress. LETS SEE IT!!

shoegal715 · November 2010

Here's the dress. Let me know if you think the other bridesmaids are lying when they said they loved it and would wear it again lol

Beachy730 · November 2010

Nope. I love it, and its a lot like what some of my BMs wore, and they loved theirs. I found that style dress to be flattering on all of them, so now I really think your FSIL is just being a bitch.

Nebb · November 2010

I think its nice, it sounds like she is just being a stubborn bitch. I would go with dnbeach's advise and leave it at that. It puts the ball in her court to either get it or back out.

kellyjellybelly · November 2010

Fishy, you're doing it wrong. I wear my BM dresses every weekend.

crfische · November 2010

OH MY GOD LET IT GO, KJB. You only get to be a bridesmaid for ONE DAY. ONE DAY. Not the whole year, not every weekend, ONE DAY.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dont-like-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9481e62-4847-46c9-9ea7-b97f3b2e8e0ePost:2d379866-4fb7-4b5c-9f2d-66dfa52611e4">Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress</a>:
[QUOTE]well, let's be honest. no one's gonna wear them again. But I do like it. I would have loved to wear something like that as opposed to what I've been stuck with.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

No joke, I know for sure that 3 of my 5 BMs already wore theirs again. And probably a 4th since she's a professor and said she can throw a sweater over it and wear it teaching.

crfische · November 2010

I must see a picture of this dress, dnb.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dont-like-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9481e62-4847-46c9-9ea7-b97f3b2e8e0ePost:56b17101-5ec9-4028-afef-05a5bf4d3b85">Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress</a>:
[QUOTE]OH MY GOD LET IT GO, KJB. You only get to be a bridesmaid for ONE DAY. ONE DAY. Not the whole year, not every weekend, ONE DAY.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

What are you talking about? I wear my bridal gown every single Friday to celebrate each week's anniversary of the wedding. I can only assume my BMs do the same for me.

kellyjellybelly · November 2010

But I'm like a pro. It's my destiny.

Beachy730 · November 2010

Both were in black. 3 wore this one:
http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Cotton-Sateen-Strapless-with-Ruching-and-Pockets-83312

And 2 wore this one:
http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Short-Cotton-Dress-with-Y-Neck-and-Skirt-Pleating-83690

The 3 that had the strapless have all worn them again. 2 were to weddings, and one was an awards dinner. Then the professor has the y-neck style.

I know, I'm awesome.

crfische · November 2010

Those were definitely good choices. I've seen both of those in person in weddings, and I've really liked them.

I probably wouldn't wear them again just because...well...the event probably wouldn't ocme up in my life where I would, but it's awesome that they have found times they could.

go you.

sister2groom · November 2010

It does look like it could be quite attractive on a variety of body types. It's also pretty neutral in color, has simple elegant cut, nothing stands out as a sort of (for lack of a better word controversial "love it or hate it" element, so even girls that didn't particularly like it could suck it up and wear it without being too put out.

To be honest, I'm not sure I personally could ever wear a dress like that again, I mean the sheen does make it more bridesmaidy, but I can see someone else at least intending to try to find an event to wear it again.

brookelynpaisley · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dont-like-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9481e62-4847-46c9-9ea7-b97f3b2e8e0ePost:be8034d5-e3fd-4748-94f9-3f2ea23ab809">Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a walking cautionary tale: 1. Don't pick your bridesmaid early. Take some time after you're engaged and think it through. 2. Don't pick a bridesmaid solely on the basis that you were in her wedding, and therefore she should be in yours. 3. Don't pick someone you don't like very much, hoping your kindness will bring you close. 4. Don't pick your fiance's brother's wife because she is "family" [/QUOTE]

I didn't read your wall of text, but... um, duh. We tell everyone this.

ootmother2 · November 2010

fishy, ygm

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dont-like-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9481e62-4847-46c9-9ea7-b97f3b2e8e0ePost:c78cc17e-8e43-4c52-a812-98657695df1a">Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress</a>:
[QUOTE]Those were definitely good choices. I've seen both of those in person in weddings, and I've really liked them. I probably wouldn't wear them again just because...well...the event probably wouldn't ocme up in my life where I would, but it's awesome that they have found times they could. go you. :)
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Yeah I would only wear one to another wedding probably. I was actually hoping FSIL said we could wear any short dress we wanted, because I would have gotten that second one. I loved that they weren't typical BM dress material, and super shiny.

shoegal715 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dont-like-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9481e62-4847-46c9-9ea7-b97f3b2e8e0ePost:adf123ad-38e1-4812-b70c-c5016a46f9aa">Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress : I didn't read your wall of text, but... um, duh. We tell everyone this.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

<div>What's your point? I'm not debating the fact that it's mentioned on here. </div><div>
</div><div>I discovered TK a year after my engagement. </div>

brookelynpaisley · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dont-like-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9481e62-4847-46c9-9ea7-b97f3b2e8e0ePost:59076913-a69e-48a8-a6b4-c1dc65670e44">Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress : What's your point? I'm not debating the fact that it's mentioned on here. I discovered TK a year after my engagement.
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

My point is that the reasons you listed for not having someone as a BM are beyond obvious.

I agree with the other posters - tell her you're sorry she's not thrilled with the dress, that you hope she'll like it a lot more once she tries it on, majority rules, and she has to order by such and such a date. You already know she's a disaster, so don't expect anything out of her. Sounds like she's the kind of bridesmaid who is only going to want to know where to show up and when.

shoegal715 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dont-like-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9481e62-4847-46c9-9ea7-b97f3b2e8e0ePost:c1bf77ca-79a4-45ce-8fa8-7174ecefb2ed">Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress : My point is that the reasons you listed for not having someone as a BM are beyond obvious. I agree with the other posters - tell her you're sorry she's not thrilled with the dress, that you hope she'll like it a lot more once she tries it on, majority rules, and she has to order by such and such a date. You already know she's a disaster, so don't expect anything out of her. Sounds like she's the kind of bridesmaid who is only going to want to know where to show up and when.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Actually they aren't beyond obvious for a lot of people newly engaged - hence the million posts a week about how to kick out a bridesmaid.

</div>

berkleighsmom · November 2010

I think the dress that your BMs chose is beautiful and I could see how some of them might be able to wear it again. I know some people will disagree with me but IMO you have the final say. So many brides on here suggest that we should pick the color and then let our BMs pick the dress, etc. I understand this in theory but you wouldn't let someone pick out a lime green dress if your colors were red and black, right?

I picked out a J.Crew dress for my BM. I picked the material and color and let them choose from 2 styles. My little sister wanted the 3rd style (which I didn't give as an option) but it was extremely low cut and not appropriate for a wedding. My fiance even said so when he saw the dress (and I didn't tell him anything-just showed him a pic of what she chose). Anyway, long story short, I just called her and said that I didn't think that style was appropriate and could she please choose from one of the other two. My FSIL refused to buy the dress at first because she didn't have enough money at the time. I offered to buy it and have her pay me back. So I've been there with the dress drama just not quite like you.

I would let her know the ordering information and leave it at that. I like pp's idea of saying, "I'm sorry you didn't like the dress. Maybe you'll feel differently once you try it on." I agree with everyone else who said you don't need to kick her out. If she doesn't buy the dress then she doesn't want to be a BM anymore. I mean it is part of the agreement, is it not?

p.s. I would wear whatever any of my friends picked out for me for their wedding because I feel that strongly about it being the bride's choice. I was the MOH in my sister's wedding and I bought the dress she really liked (instead of the one I did) because it was HER wedding.

hcbrowne · November 2010

I think its a really pretty dress. Wearing it again is irrelevant; I'll never wear any of my BM's dresses again, I used the material to make throw pillows & a curtain valance (sp?) =x You wear the dress for the wedding and feel pretty and bridesmaidsy for a day because that is what bridesmaids do. I'd say something like: I'm sorry you don't like it, but the other BMs really liked this dress when they picked it out; we missed shopping with you! The dress is availiable at "blah blah" and needs to be ordered by "blah blah." I hope you enjoy wearing the dress once you have tried it on. It is much prettier in person:] ...etc.

srkropf · November 2010

Hmmm, this one is tough. I would get the dress, and tell her that if she will be standing up with you that the dress will be this one. Kinda puts the ball in her court, maybe she'll just disappear.

PS-- Totally remember your last post, it was nuts.

mollystrader · November 2010

It is a great dress and go with your gut. It is hard to deal with everyone elses agendas you love the dress and most of all your tride and true girls were with you and love the dress. This is about a day for you and your fiance to be centerstage no your FSIL. Do not drop to her level of lack of etiquett she gave up her option to voice an opinion when she so blatenly said she had other plans (that are more important) than seeing you while you are in the country to help with your wedding. Let her know about the dress where to get it etc. then leave it at that no need for reminders and let it fade away.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

If she keeps complaining about the dress after you tell her that yes, that IS the dress and she needs to order it, just guilt trip her. "I'm sorry your lack of enthusiasm for the dress is interfering with your ability to suck it up and support me and FI on our wedding day."

PS, my girls also wore strapless cocktail dresses and they liked them.

Bridesmaid: I don't like the dress

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