update on the funeral etiquette thread

SB1512 · January 2013

I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses from my thread yesterday

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-funeral-etiquette

I will say, it was a bit awkward at the church today. FI was a pallbearer, so we were not seated together. I was the only person who did not pray, or get up to receive communion out of everyone that attended the funeral, maybe 40 people total (FI and his sisters all did, even though it was probably sacreligious since none of them go to church anymore). No one asked me about it though, so that was good. I am familiar with the peace offering, but I didn't really shake hands with anyone........where I was sitting I ended up near all of the family that has been sick and getting over the flu, and since I woke up this morning with a sore throat and congestion I really didn't want to touch anyone or be touched by anyone that was sick.

FI's parents saw that I did not get up to receive communion, but in the end maybe it was a good thing. We are not having a church wedding, and I know FI's parents (especially his mom) was pretty up in arms about it. They mostly complained to his sisters, never FI or me, so I am not sure that they even knew about my lack of religious upbringing, so perhpas today provided some insight as to why we aren't getting married in a church.

SB1512 · January 2013

I agree Liatris. Both FI's sisters had church weddings (and one sisters FI actually went through all the classes so they could have a church wedding) so I think it definitely stung when we said no church. But, FI and I had previously discussed and we both felt that

1. It was important to his parents but not us to have a church wedding and in the end that was not a good enough reason to sacrifice what we wanted in a ceremony, since that's the part of the day that truly is about us. Had it been something FI wanted I would have put more thought into it, but he wanted no church as well and

2. Since we have no plans to be faithful churchgoers and raise any children in faith we felt it would be disrespectful and deceitful to go through the motions and essentially lie to the church about our intentions of a religious lifestyle.

JaxInBlue · January 2013

I'm glad things went as well as they did. I still feel awkward going to funerals of any kind.

When DH and I got married, it was the first non-church wedding for his immediate family (6 siblings, all but one married). It took a little time for his parents to accept our decision - and we did agree to be blessed at church the next day - but we're happy that our ceremony reflected were we are spiritually as a couple. In the end, once they saw our readings and vows, they understood what we were trying to express.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

When I was the ONLY ONE at a 300 person wedding to not take communion, the preist told me at the rehearsal to just go up for communion, but to put my finger over my lips in a "shh" gesture, and that would be respectfully saying "no thank you" to the priest. I don't know if EVERYONE is supposed to do that (it would have made you stick out less) or if I only had to do it because I was a bridesmaid and thus, starting the line.

And no, anyone who has not confessed their sins should not take communion. My FI won't for that reason--he hasn't been to church in 10 years.

warpedredpenguin · January 2013

Glad it went as well as it could be (funerals are already awkward enough)

One of my dad's cousins felt the need to pray just loud enough for those around her to hear during our entire ceremony, because not only was it not Catholic, we inserted Pagan aspects that were important to H (he's an Asatru.) Then she had to leave almost immediately after pictures were done to find a church to "cleanse herself." We didn't sacrifice babies, lady.

I'm the first on my Dad's side of the family to not have a Catholic wedding in like, 500 years. For real.

I also don't take communion at family weddings or funerals. I'm a Christian, but I don't believe communion should be exclusive, so I refuse to participate when it's presented that way. I believe Jesus died for all of us, not just those who adhere to a specific dogma. It makes for awkwardness.

Loopyseven · January 2013

I missed your original thread, but it sounds like things went as well as they could. My mom was raised methodist, and my dad is Catholic. They raised us kids all Catholic and we/they have been going to church weekly as a family for over 30 years, and my mom still does not go up to communion during a Catholic mass as she never took the classes and converted. She just sits quietly in the pew while everyone else goes up. Even at family weddings/funerals. Don't feel funny about not participating in things like that. Just face it as matter of fact and hopefully no one else will make any issues of it either.

Avion22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_update-on-the-funeral-etiquette-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:583a5dad-6ec0-4593-87a9-7eee94668892Post:400ddea4-c7be-4797-b3b0-046cd621f67c">Re: update on the funeral etiquette thread</a>:
[QUOTE]When I was the ONLY ONE at a 300 person wedding to not take communion, the preist told me at the rehearsal <strong>to just go up for communion, but to put my finger over my lips in a "shh" gesture, and that would be respectfully saying "no thank you" to the priest. </strong>I don't know if EVERYONE is supposed to do that (it would have made you stick out less) or if I only had to do it because I was a bridesmaid and thus, starting the line. And no, anyone who has not confessed their sins should not take communion. My FI won't for that reason--he hasn't been to church in 10 years.
Posted by Domino04[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I am a non-Catholic in a family of Catholics, and my understanding is that by making this gesture to the priest, you are essentially asking for a blessing instead of communion. There may be any number of personal reasons why one would ask for a blessing, and that priests won't judge this request.

</div>

libby18bell · January 2013

Can I ask a weird question, if FI is completely against having a church wedding, why did he go up to receive communion? I could see why his mom would possibly look negative towards you if he is coming across as practicing and you are not. So long as you two are in a loving and committed relationship supporting each other for years to come, I'm sure the mom will move on. I come from an extremely Catholic family and people don't look negatively on those that have gotten divorced for various reasons.

On a side note, I could see not shaking hands cause you are sick, but in the future it's not overly religous. It's just wishing people well. At Christmas time people say Merry Christmas, my FI and I say I love you and Peace be with you, so I wouldn't have stressed about that, but I definitely get the whole people being sick. In that case the elderly people do the peace sign with their fingers, especially during flu season.

SB1512 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_update-on-the-funeral-etiquette-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:583a5dad-6ec0-4593-87a9-7eee94668892Post:8cccbf51-aae2-4b78-8ddb-3d63c811fa05">Re: update on the funeral etiquette thread</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Can I ask a weird question, if FI is completely against having a church wedding, why did he go up to receive communion?</strong> I could see why his mom would possibly look negative towards you if he is coming across as practicing and you are not. So long as you two are in a loving and committed relationship supporting each other for years to come, I'm sure the mom will move on. I come from an extremely Catholic family and people don't look negatively on those that have gotten divorced for various reasons. On a side note, I could see not shaking hands cause you are sick, but in the future it's not overly religous. It's just wishing people well. At Christmas time people say Merry Christmas, my FI and I say I love you and Peace be with you, so I wouldn't have stressed about that, but I definitely get the whole people being sick. In that case the elderly people do the peace sign with their fingers, especially during flu season.
Posted by libby18bell[/QUOTE]

I think because he didn't know he wasn't supposed to get up and receive it. I asked him about it afterwards and he said, "no i'm baptized, I'm allowed to get it", so he clearly did not understand that technically you are supposed to keep up with religious practices. I rode in the car to the church with both of FI's sisters and they debated not going up either (they don't attend church anymore), but in the end they got up and received communion as well. I know shaking hands isn't a religous thing. I've done the whole peace be with you at weddings and other funerals, but I just didn't want more germs yesterday.

update on the funeral etiquette thread

Re: update on the funeral etiquette thread

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