Vent: need advice about my mom's idea of a wedding (long)

daniandron · September 2011

Hi everyone,

I am getting married on the island FI and my family are from, but I never envisioning having a traditional Barbadian wedding. I'm first generation Bajan American and there are many ideas my mother has about what needs to be done that I either don't like, are out of style, or just aren't important to me. Initially I took the approach of letting her know that I wanted an intimate ceremony, in a garden with my closest family/friends, with no floral centerpieces or bouquets and dessert but not our traditional rum based wedding cake. I want basically a creative American wedding that happens to be in Barbados.

My mother quickly told me I should elope and not invite her mother or family because she would be embarrassed that they would be disappointed and talk about me poorly around the island. And that obviously I don't have the money for a "real" wedding. I was a little less than gracious in my initial response because I think that anyone tacky enough to be anything less than loving on their child or grandchild's wedding day is rude IMO.

I'd like to avoid any future rude responses. Help me figure out how to explain this to her? Because frankly I was a corporate event planner for 5 years and have produced over 100 events as well as 6 1000-person galas. I think I know what I'm doing. Or should I give in to her requests? She isn't contributing at all.

Carla1019 · September 2011

You are in a similar situation as me. My FI's family is use to weddings being 500+ people with many traditions that I am not going to do. Many of those weddings are large but very unorganized.

From your post it sounds like you are telling your mom what you won't do but are you telling her all the amazing things you will do? She probably doesn't understand your vision yet. Try your best to explain it to her. But at the end of the day don't worry. People are always going to have their opinions but when the day comes, she will see how great your wedding is and all your loved ones will give their support.

mikimoto6 · September 2011

I am sorry you are at odds with your mom. I have always believed that she or he who hold the purse strings calls the shots. If you and your FI are paying for the wedding then you can do whatever you want for your wedding. I think at some point every bride has had a disagreement with their family about the wedding planning. My mom went through the roof and came in the back door when I told her we were having an intimate wedding. She got over it after a few weeks and now she is over the moon about the wedding, even if it may not be her vision for her only child's wedding. If it's your money, stand your ground.

mahoganieyes · September 2011

I too had issues with my mom. She was not contributing a dime to my wedding but wanted to tell me who to invite. At one point we had a big argument over the guestlist because she wanted to invite her friends; some I never met. I stood my ground and as time approached for the wedding, she stopped trying to force her list on me. At the end of the day, it was my money and not hers. If all else fails just limit wedding talk around her. Hope she can become more open.

daniandron · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_vent-need-advice-moms-idea-of-wedding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:8544e377-5e51-4266-8a68-45287730a77aPost:65ccd075-0074-46f1-8d3a-a1b7f472d334">Re: Vent: need advice about my mom's idea of a wedding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]From your post it sounds like you are telling your mom what you won't do but are you telling her all the amazing things you will do? She probably doesn't understand your vision yet. Try your best to explain it to her.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

That's the thing. I've sent her photos and tried to describe in detail my theme ideas, which at different times have been vintage glam, or peacock, or super bling with candles everywhere. I want brooch bouquets. But because it's not anything she's ever experienced the only thing she says is "that's not how we do things in the Caribbean and it's tacky for a wedding." I'm just so hurt that she thinks I'd be an embarrassment.

djscat · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_vent-need-advice-moms-idea-of-wedding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:8544e377-5e51-4266-8a68-45287730a77aPost:d84cfc34-3d93-4daa-9cfc-682ce9150482">Re: Vent: need advice about my mom's idea of a wedding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I am sorry you are at odds with your mom. <strong>I have always believed that she or he who hold the purse strings calls the shots.</strong> If you and your FI are paying for the wedding then you can do whatever you want for your wedding. I think at some point every bride has had a disagreement with their family about the wedding planning. My mom went through the roof and came in the back door when I told her we were having an intimate wedding. She got over it after a few weeks and now she is over the moon about the wedding, even if it may not be her vision for her only child's wedding. If it's your money, stand your ground.
Posted by mikimoto6[/QUOTE]

THIS!!! Bottom line it's your wedding, your money, your day. You can respectfully listen to her advice on what she wants at the wedding but in the end the final decision is yours. I would also say sit down with her and explain your vision. If there are some small traditional things that you can incorporate into the wedding that will make your mom happy but doesn't really cost a lot then I say do it. Kinda like in the movie jumping the broom. If the tradition will have a small impact on the overall wedding but you know it will make your mother happy do it. HTH

daniandron · September 2011

Thanks ladies. I'm going to maybe budge on one or two things, like the rum cake. It just didn't make sense to spend money on things like that, that I don't enjoy, in lieu of adding elements the we as a couple would like. FI actually lives there and he doesn't have a care that it's nontraditional.

flasweetheart · September 2011

I'm sorry you are going through that with you mom. I was born in Antigua but have lived in the US since I was 3. So when I started planning my mother and all of her sisters had something to say about how the wedding should be. They all thought that I should have a morning wedding with a brunch or lunch reception (was not happening I was in my parents morning wedding and we had to wake up at 5am to start getting ready). They also said I had to have black cake ( I don't really eat black/rum cake like that, my DH is from Pensacola, FL so he and his family don't know anything about black cake so I was like why am I going to pay for something that nobody is going to eat). Then they all wanted to cook the food for the reception (I asked where is all this cooking going to be done at and where are yall going to store food at? My aunts even offered to buy the goats to cook. Can't we have an event that yall aren't cooking at? Thank God everywhere we were looking for reception you had to use their in house or a preferred vendor)

I finally had to sit down with them and make them understand yeah I'm Antiguan but I've been raised in the US for pretty much my whole life. So just sit down with your mom and explain to her that you aren't looking to have a traditional Bajan wedding maybe compromise some with her and maybe you can do the rum cake as a favor(I did hot sauce from Antigua) Let her know that being that you were born and raised in the US you don't want to have a traditional Bajan wedding but maybe have some elements just to compromise with her.

daniandron · September 2011

OMG. Flasweetheart, do we have the same family? I think she's really upset that I'm not having a huge church wedding, catered by family in the church hall, with roses everywhere and a tiara and blah blah. Nice for some but not my style. For now, I won't discuss my plans anymore and tell her it's a surprise that way she keeps the mean comments to a minimum. I will say, I budged for her on food already because she couldn't bear not having pork or ham at a wedding. FI is vegetarian. She wasn't really appreciative, just...Good it's what you should have ordered in the first place.

flasweetheart · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_vent-need-advice-moms-idea-of-wedding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:8544e377-5e51-4266-8a68-45287730a77aPost:560f847f-71e1-4c11-a3ba-a5ff7d23762f">Re: Vent: need advice about my mom's idea of a wedding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]OMG. Flasweetheart, do we have the same family? I think she's really upset that I'm not having a huge church wedding, catered by family in the church hall, with roses everywhere and a tiara and blah blah. Nice for some but not my style. For now, I won't discuss my plans anymore and tell her it's a surprise that way she keeps the mean comments to a minimum. I will say, I budged for her on food already because she couldn't bear not having pork or ham at a wedding. FI is vegetarian. She wasn't really appreciative, just...Good it's what you should have ordered in the first place.
Posted by daniandron[/QUOTE]

All Caribbean families are the same way. We had no problem with doing the church wedding that was important to us. But I was big on the no roses anywhere and my mom fussed about that, but me and her had a talk and I had my Peruvian lilies like I wanted. You just really have to sit down and talk to her and explain that it's not just your family you have to please you also have to keep your fiancee's wishes in what he wants the day to be. Tell her you don't want them cooking because you don't want them running around and tired and stressed worked big time with my aunts. We didn't do pork because I don't eat it and I told them not everyone eats it. I didn't do a tiara because I saw no point in paying that much for it, did do a veil because one of my aunts bought it. If she is not helping you pay and has ideas ask her if she is giving you the money to pay for it and she will stop coming up with ideas.

Carla1019 · September 2011

One suggestion - How about letting someone in the family cook a black rum cake as the grooms cake? Put roses around that.

Seems like a great compromise.

daniandron · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_vent-need-advice-moms-idea-of-wedding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:8544e377-5e51-4266-8a68-45287730a77aPost:63dd828d-4938-44a7-96f2-17df5e2ce25c">Re: Vent: need advice about my mom's idea of a wedding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent: need advice about my mom's idea of a wedding (long) : If she is not helping you pay and has ideas ask her if she is giving you the money to pay for it and she will stop coming up with ideas.
Posted by flasweetheart[/QUOTE]

That actually didn't go over well, as she assumed I just couldn't pay for it, not that I wouldn't. So, silence it is! Thanks all.

MsAmeera25 · September 2011

I'm sorry you are going through this but as a Caribbean girl yau'll know our moms are crazy!!! My mom is the same way we're from the Virgin Islands and they want to cook the food and do everything themselves....she keeps saying she don't want no "white" people chicken or beef ....

So for the compromise I told them they can cook anything they want for the rehearsal and plan it however she wants and we will show up....they seemed happy with that...

Just try to talk to your mom...she probably doesn't mean it she's just trying to guilt you into her way....

chescam · September 2011

I went through the same thing with my family. I'm from St. Kitts. They were so crushed that they couldn't do the food. Everyone in my family cooks and my dad even had his heart set on baking the cake. It didn't help that FI's mom is from Jamaica too. Surprisingly, they are ok with us not having a ceremony in the church. I spoke to my caterer and she went all out to impress. The food was good and they were blown away by the tasting. If the caterer did not impress, my family would be catering the event.

I say all this to say, don't focus on the don'ts, focus on the things that you and your FI really want and sell that to your mom. I don't care much for cake but my parents said a black cake is a must. A family friend will make the black cake but the stand cake will be the American cake. I think that was a good compromise. Probably you can find out what's the one thing she must have and work around that instead of having her give her opinion about everything. HTH

M1ssJ · September 2011

I'm sorry you're having this issue and it is hurtful but you also need to understand in our cultures (Jamaican/ Haitian) our families talk about our weddings and really cite it as a source of pride. Now I now our visions don't always jive with theirs but I'd sit her down and point out the things you're doing to honor your tradition throughout the wedding. If you're paying for it I say do what you want but don't forget about all of the rest of your life when your mom or family supported you financially, emotionally, etc.

daniandron · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_vent-need-advice-moms-idea-of-wedding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:8544e377-5e51-4266-8a68-45287730a77aPost:7667c914-551f-4c31-a0a7-ee7d4eba900a">Re: Vent: need advice about my mom's idea of a wedding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you're having this issue and it is hurtful but you also need to understand in our cultures (Jamaican/ Haitian) our families talk about our weddings and really cite it as a source of pride. Now I now our visions don't always jive with theirs but I'd sit her down and point out the things you're doing to honor your tradition throughout the wedding. If you're paying for it I say do what you want but don't forget about all of the rest of your life when your mom or family supported you financially, emotionally, etc.
Posted by M1ssJ[/QUOTE]

Actually you may be right. I didn't stop to think that my mom is just lashing out because she's actually hurt if it seems like I'm turning my back on my heritage. I just saw it as I'm doing things I think are practical and beautiful. I may need to revisit that part.

M1ssJ · September 2011

I know its hard, like PPs said my mom couldn't understand why I didn't want to get married in the church...yada yada. My compromise, the night before we're having a Jamaican style cookout with traditional food, dancing, dominoes, etc. She is in charge of that, go crazy I told her. She was pleased as punch and became much more open to my ideas after she knew it was important to me that she and my family felt honored during the wedding. Sometimes showing them that you're leaving but you appreciate all that theyve made you is all it takes

MrsJenrette · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_vent-need-advice-moms-idea-of-wedding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:8544e377-5e51-4266-8a68-45287730a77aPost:01561708-4a94-48c8-8f90-4822819d5bb6">Vent: need advice about my mom's idea of a wedding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, I am getting married on the island FI and my family are from, but I never envisioning having a traditional Barbadian wedding. <strong>I'm first generation Bajan American and there are many ideas my mother has about what needs to be done that I either don't like, are out of style, or just aren't important to me</strong>. Initially I took the approach of letting her know that I wanted an intimate ceremony, in a garden with my closest family/friends, with no floral centerpieces or bouquets and dessert but not our traditional rum based wedding cake. I want basically a creative American wedding that happens to be in Barbados. My mother quickly told me I should elope and not invite her mother or family because she would be embarrassed that they would be disappointed and talk about me poorly around the island. And that obviously I don't have the money for a "real" wedding. I was a little less than gracious in my initial response because I think that anyone tacky enough to be anything less than loving on their child or grandchild's wedding day is rude IMO. I'd like to avoid any future rude responses. Help me figure out how to explain this to her? Because frankly I was a corporate event planner for 5 years and have produced over 100 events as well as 6 1000-person galas. I think I know what I'm doing. Or should I give in to her requests? She isn't contributing at all.
Posted by daniandron[/QUOTE]

First of... HEY SISTER!!!.lol...

I completely understand what you mean. Both my mother and father were born and raised in Barbados and I love my Bajan roots... but FI and I really wanted to have a smaller guest list (around 80 people)... I guess it was just wishful thinking that I could get away with that...lol

Our guest list is now double that (because of my mother and aunts friends), but I told my mother that she needed to put her money where her mouth was... and she actually was willing to put up money for the reception so that she could invite her friends... This list isn't going over 160 though... I IS DONE! (bajan accent)...lol

Vent: need advice about my mom's idea of a wedding (long)

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