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Rehearsal Dinner

mbarnhartmbarnhart
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My parents cannot afford to help us with our wedding. We knew this from the beginning and we are more than capable of paying for it ourselves. FI's mom still wants to pay for the rehearsal dinner. I told her it was unnecessary and that my parents weren't contributing but she insisted. I am extremely grateful for her contribution. FI and I live in Oklahoma. The wedding is in Cleveland (where my family lives) and FMIL lives 5 hours away from the wedding site. 

My mom has been very helpful and has gone to many venues and has found the perfect place right on the lake. She sent pictures and I told her to book it (since we're getting married on a holiday weekend and things go fast). I told FI about it and he said his mom wants to be included in the planning process and that we shouldn't make decisions without her. I absolutely agree that she should be included and I have tried, but she lives 5 hours away! I don't really know how to include her besides telling her what we like and what we've found. BTW she has not and will not give us a budget. Just says do what you want and I'll find a way to pay for it.

I guess I'm just frustrated that I can't make decisions without checking with her first. Again, I REALLY appreciate her paying for it, but I want to plan this without having to go over every single detail with her. What do you guys think, am I just being a brat about this?
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Re: Rehearsal Dinner

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    lizstill13lizstill13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well traditionally the groom's family pays for and plans the RD. I think in this instance, since she is paying for the whole thing, I would tell her what you two would like and let her run with it. I found that not having to plan the RD along with the whole wedding took so much stress off me and I actually got to have fun without worrying about hosting.
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    hd7694hd7694
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would plan according to what you and FI can afford yourselves.  In the event that she can't pay for it or chooses not to, you need to make sure that it is within your means.  I would ask FI to talk to his mom to see if she will tell him any specifics.  As far as including her in the planning process, I don't really know what to tell you.  If your mom has already booked this place then I would let that go.  Just keep it booked and try to include her with other decisions like the menu. 

    If she continues to not give you a set price or tiptoes around the issue, I would still consider her input but not give her free reign do to the fact that you may be paying for it yourself.
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    LauriacLauriac
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    hd7694 - YGPM
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    ohwhynotohwhynot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's easy to plan a simple rehearsal dinner, even from 5 hours away.  The internet and the telephone are her friend.  I think you and your mom may be overstepping here and risk offending your MIL.   It's HER party to plan and host. 
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    mnp555mnp555
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I do think you are a little bratty for excluding your FMIL from the rehearsal planning.  It's kind of like, while your money is good enough to accept, your opinion is not.  Does she have the internet? Can you email her pictures of the spot you like?  Send her its website?  There are a TON of ways she can be involved from 5 hours away. 

    Maybe first ask her what she wants.  Does she just want to fund the RD or does she want to help plan or just take charge of it?  I've known people who are more in the school of "just tell me what it costs at the end," but you do need to find out first what she wants to do.  It is, after all, her money.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would let your FMIL handle it, it is tradition. And it may mean a lot to her and her contribution to the wedding. My in-laws don't have a lot of money either and we are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. I offered to help, but my FMIL (whom I love) told me no, they were handling it. I didn't push it.  We also live out of state and she has been wonderful planning it. One less thing off of my FI and I. Your mom can help you with the wedding planning regardless of who is paying, I am sure there are plenty of other things she can do to help you guys.
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    AliandDan2010AliandDan2010
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rehearsal-dinner-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d5f029-dd49-473d-9a6e-017f759ee398Post:4a692631-538b-43e3-b99b-9fe8f930e23d">Re: Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's easy to plan a simple rehearsal dinner, even from 5 hours away.  The internet and the telephone are her friend.  I think you and your mom may be overstepping here and risk offending your MIL.   It's HER party to plan and host. 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]



    I couldn't agree more. We're planning our wedding in NJ from VT. That is stressful enough. When my FMIL offered to host the RD I was relieved.She also lives in VT.  I recommended a few places and she researched everything online and booked it at a great place.

    Trust me. It's one less thing you'll have to worry about.
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    mbarnhartmbarnhart
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all of the input.
    The venue we booked is a community center that is only costing $200 to rent for the whole day. We're having a family friend cater for us for a really good price and my dad is getting alcohol from a friend who owns a bar. It literally is going to cost about $750 for the entire thing. 
    FMIL is just not very good on the computer and I assumed (probably shouldn't do that anymore) that it would be easier for everyone if my mom and I planned it. I'll definitely let her take the reigns on decorating, invites, and whatever else she'd like to do.
    We had actually factored the rehearsal dinner into our budget and were planning on paying for it so if she decides not to help we'll be able to pay for it. 
    Thanks again ladies. :)
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    Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If your FMIL is going with tradition and paying for the rehearsal dinner, then according to ettiquette and tradition, SHE is the host, and she gets to decide on the details, big or small.  It's not your place or your mother's place to jump in and make decisions or book anything. This is the only input FMIL gets into your wedding, and if you butt in you will be stepping on her toes.

    The only thing you have to do with the planning is to confer with FMIL on the guest list and what time to start.  She chooses the budget, the place, the menu, whether to send invites or decorate.  So unless she asks you for your input or preferences, let her handle it.  A rehearsal dinner can be an impromptu dinner out, and doesn't require a lot of advance planning, just dinner reservations. 

    So just relax and let her plan it.  You will likely become busier and more stressed the closer it gets to the wedding, so it might come as a relief to just show up to the dinner without having yet one more thing to plan and stress over. 

    *Another point of contention is if the ones not paying expect the hosts to invite extra guests not in the wedding party, like OOT guests, or other relatives.  So if you want to invite anyone not essential to the rehearsal, be sure and clear it with her first.
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    dawnmarie0627dawnmarie0627
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My FIL's are generously hosting our rehersal dinner. They live in Florida and our wedding is in New York (where my parents llive). My FMIL simply went online and looked up a bunch of places in the area which she thought would be good. She called them for more info to find out about prices and menu options. She has narrowed it down to 2 places which will work. As it gets a little closer (our wedding is in 09/11) she will book one of those places. She did all of the planning without discussing it with myself or my FI and I am perfectly fine with that. In fact it is nice to know that I don't have to worry about the rehersal dinner because she has it under control.
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You have mentioned several times that FMIL lives FIVE HOURS AWAY from the RD location.

    I just want to say two things:

    =  that one woman I work with in Clearwater, Florida has a son who was getting married in VERMONT.  So this woman and her husband took off work, bought plane tickets, flew to VERMONT, visited four possible RD locations over a 3-day visit, picked one, set the menu and other details, and signed the contract.  Then she talked about it for months and months until he got married, and then for about a month afterward.  This was the ONLY thing the groom's parents were going to host the whole weekend, and they took it very seriously.

    = another friend that I work with here has a son who was getting married in MARYLAND.  She and her husband went up on the same style of 3-day RD hunting weekend to set those details and sign the contract.  Then she flew up for three showers.

    That's how it's done.  The groom's parents or groom's mother takes charge of the RD, and she's prideful and protective of it.

    Bottom line:  Since your FMIL is paying for the RD, SHE needs to make the plans.  Not some cheapo community center or whatever you find that's low-cost, etc.  And if she has trouble getting to the wedding location FIVE HOURS away, then she needs to set up a schedule for seeing three or four RD locations, and then your FI needs to get over there and take his mother to those appointments, etc.
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    linzbelle363linzbelle363 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My FMIL is paying and planning for our rehearsal dinner. Every detail. I have no idea what anything is going to look like when I walk in. I just let her go with it. As long as there's food, music, family and friends, iI'll be happy. She's the host- let her run the show.
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    jasher1jasher1 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My MIL paid for our rehearsal dinner.  She lives in Massachusetts and we live in and got married in Maryland.  I basically did some quick research and found about 5 restaurants or so that seemed like they would work.  One weekend when the in-laws came to visit, we went around to check out the places.  We kind of decided together on the location, and then she took it from there.  She just checked in with us for a few details related to the menu, timing, etc., but she basically took care of everything.  It was a HUGE relief to have one less thing to plan, and she got to have her own "wedding project."
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    jmucheech21jmucheech21 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I did notice that you said she keeps saying "just pick what you want and I'll pay for it."  So it sounds to me like she doesn't really want to plan.. maybe she just wants to give her stamp of approval?  That shouldn't be too hard to include her in.  Just tell her your options if she'd rather you "pick what you want" and ask her to help with final decisions.  =)
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    michaela080michaela080
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom found 3 places I liked at different price points, and then we let FI's mom pick which one she wanted. Then my mom booked it.
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    kjk2680kjk2680
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You need to book it if you like it.  My FMIL has been giving me grief and I just found it easier to say here is the contract all filled out, here is the address to mail it and the contact person.  Otherwise it was nothing but a run around and causing me anxiety.
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