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WR - If I do this, do I go straight to knottie hell?

AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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I'm gathering addresses for our invites at this point.

We have a.  huge.  guestlist.  Kinda sickening actually.

Anyway - When I was looking it over with Ben last week he commented, "Oh, Sharon (name changed to protect the innocent) and Ozzy (haha... also obviously changed) aren't invited?"

Back story - I was pretty good friends with Sharon in high school.  Ozzy was a guy we both knew who went to another school a few hours away.  We knew him from speech/drama competitions - he was alright, but by the time I graduated, I was kinda skeeved out by him.  He just did things or pursued things (or girls) that I knew weren't appropriate.  And he made a pass at me once that made my stomach turn.

Sharon is a couple years younger than I am.  I'm out of high school eight years... she's out six.  Two years ago - out of NOWHERE - she starts dating Ozzy.  Ben and I got with them for a night out shortly after they started dating, and yeah - it was great to see Sharon, but Ozzy is just a creep.  I'm not going to tell that to Sharon obviously, but yeah.  I don't like the guy.

They both live several states away, together.  I wasn't going to invite them - but after Ben asked if I wasn't, I instantly felt bad.  So when I made the email push for addreesses, I included Sharon's email.

And yeah... she sent me her address.  With "and Ozzy..."

I don't want to invite her anymore.  I love her.  Since they live far away, I doubt they'll even make it.  But I don't even like the possibility of him being there (I know that a lot of other friends I'm inviting from high school would probably feel the same way).

Is it asshole of me to ask her for an address and then just... not... send an invite?

Dammit I wrote another book so... CLIFF NOTES - I asked an old friend for her address so I could send her an invitation, but I don't want to invite her anymore because she'd bring her boyfriend who is a creepy creeper.  Can I not send one?
panther
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Re: WR - If I do this, do I go straight to knottie hell?

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    amylydia23amylydia23
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    I love that you went with the names Sharon and Ozzy and called Ozzy a creep, it works in real life too.  Was this recent that you asked for her address?
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    thesuninherheadthesuninherhead member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wr-this-straight-knottie-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16bf6ac2-58f8-463f-a114-310598d74f1bPost:394cdbab-6749-4564-a531-52fecffa91e0">WR - If I do this, do I go straight to knottie hell?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm gathering addresses for our invites at this point. We have a.  huge.  guestlist.  Kinda sickening actually. Anyway - When I was looking it over with Ben last week he commented, "Oh, Sharon (name changed to protect the innocent) and Ozzy (haha... also obviously changed) aren't invited?" Back story - I was pretty good friends with Sharon in high school.  Ozzy was a guy we both knew who went to another school a few hours away.  We knew him from speech/drama competitions - he was alright, but by the time I graduated, I was kinda skeeved out by him.  He just did things or pursued things (or girls) that I knew weren't appropriate.  And he made a pass at me once that made my stomach turn. Sharon is a couple years younger than I am.  I'm out of high school eight years... she's out six.  Two years ago - out of NOWHERE - she starts dating Ozzy.  Ben and I got with them for a night out shortly after they started dating, and yeah - it was great to see Sharon, but Ozzy is just a creep.  I'm not going to tell that to Sharon obviously, but yeah.  I don't like the guy. They both live several states away, together.  I wasn't going to invite them - but after Ben asked if I wasn't, I instantly felt bad.  So when I made the email push for addreesses, I included Sharon's email. And yeah... she sent me her address.  With "and Ozzy..." I don't want to invite her anymore.  I love her.  Since they live far away, I doubt they'll even make it.  But I don't even like the possibility of him being there (I know that a lot of other friends I'm inviting from high school would probably feel the same way). Is it asshole of me to ask her for an address and then just... not... send an invite? Dammit I wrote another book so... CLIFF NOTES - I asked an old friend for her address so I could send her an invitation, but I don't want to invite her anymore because she'd bring her boyfriend who is a creepy creeper.  Can I not send one?
    <p>Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]</p><p>In my opinion, you should. </p><p>As for the guy, I don't know- I guess there is more backstory? Because from what you've described, he just doesn't seem that bad.</p>
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited August 2010
    Yeah - outwardly, I know I should invite him.  More info - a small story would include he attempted to halfway assault another girl acquaintance of ours, but it was always a "his word against hers" type of thing.  Some people believed her, some believed him.  I was on his side at first, but the more I got to know him - I can't explain it.  It's a vibe I get.  I'm not sure if I want the vibe at the wedding.

    And yeah - I sent the email last week.  It was a mass email though.  She replied with her address today.
    panther
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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    edited August 2010
    This is just a classic case of me acting on a whim without thinking.  I shouldn't have even asked her for her address.

    ETA - I haven't even SEEN these two since we hung out with them that one night two years ago.  I have maybe talked to this old friend on the phone once or twice. 
    panther
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    jelique7jelique7
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    If you are going to hell for not inviting them then I will see you there because im pretty sure I have a VIP spot reserved down there so we can be neighbors =]

    But really I think you should invite them, if there is a huge guest list you will probably not spend a great deal of time with them anyways. If you can afford it then I would do it. Its not like he snuk in your room to sniff your underwear lol.
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    lol jelique.  No, he never did that.  He just...ugh.

    I know I really should just bite the bullet and do it.  They probably won't even show up.
    panther
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    jelique7jelique7
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    If  it makes you that uncomfortable then don't do it! You don't want it to be uncomfortable at your wedding.
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    sucrets4sucrets4 member
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    If you asked for an address, you really should invite them.  Unless you really don't think you're going to see them again and maintain a friendship...and if you don't care if S makes a comment about you at some point in time to someone about how crappy it was.  Because it kinda is.

    Re Ozzy - if you invite her, you need to invite him.  But you won't see much of him at your wedding, I promise.  You don't even get a chance to spend a lot of time with the people that you WANT to spend time with.
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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    I know its crappy sucrets.  Thanks for the input too :) 
    panther
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    jelique7jelique7
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    sucrets- Your sig picture is so cute! She's a cutie, I don't know if I ever mentioned that before.
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    amylydia23amylydia23
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    I think you may need to invite her and Creepster especially because you did ask for the address.  I feel like unless the girl that was involved in that awful situation will also be at your wedding you will not feel any vibes or awkwardness.
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wr-this-straight-knottie-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:16bf6ac2-58f8-463f-a114-310598d74f1bPost:a2d5ac20-f939-4a0b-8815-bb2b00c6adc5">Re: WR - If I do this, do I go straight to knottie hell?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you may need to invite her and Creepster especially because you did ask for the address. <strong> I feel like unless the girl that was involved in that awful situation will also be at your wedding you will not feel any vibes or awkwardness.</strong>
    Posted by amylydia23[/QUOTE]

    Yeah... she actually is invited.  Which is another reason why the entire situation is shitty.

    She's actually flat out told me that Sharon's choice to date this guy is basically at her own peril.
    panther
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    sucrets4sucrets4 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wr-this-straight-knottie-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:16bf6ac2-58f8-463f-a114-310598d74f1bPost:490ee3ca-89a9-4956-a5a2-9cb62dc2f0d2">Re: WR - If I do this, do I go straight to knottie hell?</a>:
    [QUOTE]sucrets- Your sig picture is so cute! She's a cutie, I don't know if I ever mentioned that before.
    Posted by jelique7[/QUOTE]

    Thanks!

    I'm sad I missed the baby AW thread earlier.  Boo!
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    amylydia23amylydia23
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    Well then to hell with it, if the other girl seems to be a friend you will stay in touch with screw etiquette.
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
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    Did you mention in the email that you were asking for the address for invitations?  If so I think you really do have to invite her.  If not, perhaps you could send an announcement after so that you've used the address for something?
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    gottahavashortigottahavashorti member
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    You probably should invite them, but if they don't decline the invitation you can always seat them as far from your other HS friends as possible and give your HS friends a heads up that Ozzy will be there in case some of them want to avoid him.
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    MarriedInAFeverMarriedInAFever member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wr-this-straight-knottie-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16bf6ac2-58f8-463f-a114-310598d74f1bPost:fa9c082d-6d80-4b57-8f87-736296980e35">Re: WR - If I do this, do I go straight to knottie hell?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You probably should invite them, but if they don't decline the invitation you can always seat them as far from your other HS friends as possible and give your HS friends a heads up that Ozzy will be there in case some of them want to avoid him.
    Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

    I would do this. But if you asked for addresses, I think you definitely need to send them an invitation.
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    ameliapaige1ameliapaige1
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wr-this-straight-knottie-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16bf6ac2-58f8-463f-a114-310598d74f1bPost:c28a2b80-abe4-4066-b310-c645cecd68f8">Re: WR - If I do this, do I go straight to knottie hell?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Did you mention in the email that you were asking for the address for invitations?  If so I think you really do have to invite her.  If not, perhaps you could send an announcement after so that you've used the address for something?
    Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

    I agree, don't invite them but do send them an announcement.  If it becomes a question later just politely explain that you went over budget and were not able to include a lot of people you would have liked too.  People understand that weddings are insanely expensive.
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    SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
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    Just invite them and hope they don't come. I have to invite FI's groomswoman's BF for obvious reasons, and he skeeves me out. I don't know what it is about him (3 kids, 2 marriages, kids are all under age 7), but its just a gut feeling I get. I'm hoping he just doesn't try to hug me. 
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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    Thanks ladies!
    panther
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    Blueyed228Blueyed228 member
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    You have 400 people coming, you wont even notice them.

    But yeah, if you asked them, you should invite them.
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    katiewhompuskatiewhompus member
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    I had the same thought as QQ. Did you specifically say "Can I have your address for wedding invitations?" If not just send her a Christmas card or something and say you wanted to get in touch with people.

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    TurtlesAllTheWayDownTurtlesAllTheWayDown member
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    I'm curious: did you think she WOULDN'T come with her boyfriend? Did the thought that he would be invited not cross your mind when you asked for her address?
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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    Mery - I did actually kinda think there'd be a possibility that she wouldn't bring him.  He's in the army and is actually overseas right now.  But... maybe he'll be back by then.

    I'm pretty much feeling like an idiot today.  I look like an asshole if I don't invite them, but if I do invite them, I know I'll be worried about him being there and worried about him making my other wedding guests who don't like him uncomfortable.
    panther
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    526SadieSadie526SadieSadie
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    AATB, it's very sweet of you to worry about the comfort of your guests, but they really can't judge you based on the behavior of your friend's date.  They'll more likely say "Sharon is such a sweetheart, what the hell is she doing with that big skeeve?"  If a fellow guest creeped me out at a wedding, or any party really, I'd be upset with that person, not with the host.
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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    True sadie - I know I can't be judged for her date - but that guy really rubs ME the wrong way.  I'm kinda thinking of my own comfort too I guess.
    panther
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    catemegcatemeg
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    edited August 2010
    I believe I heard you were inviting 400 people at your event - even if only 300 show up, the most you're going to get to say to anyone is "Hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  I hope you have fun!"

    If your reception is 7 hours start-to-finish (which would be quite long), and you have 300 people show up, you'd have about 42 seconds to speak to each person.  Seriously, even if this guy is THE MOST ANNOYING person in the history of the planet, there's a very strong chance you won't even SEE him! 

    You never answered (or I missed it) if you said specifically this was for a wedding invite.  If so, you should send them an invitation unless you're okay with permanently wrecking the friendship.  If you do choose to invite them, don't worry about him bothering you on your day, and seat them far away from the people they know and would thus annoy - put him with the random family members you don't like but feel obligated to invite.  There are always a few of those in every group!
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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    Sorry cate - yes, when I said I made the mass email push for addresses - it was for wedding invitations.

    Maybe this makes me look like an asshole too - but honestly, "wrecking the friendship" wouldn't bother me that much at this point.  Like I said before - they live several states away, I haven't seen either of them in two years, and never talk to her, like ever.  It's just one of those things where she would probably expect an invite.  Ben asked me if I was going to invite her.  I wasn't going to... then just thought I should.

    And now I'm taking it back.

    Ugh I suck.
    panther
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    AngrytomatoAngrytomato
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    I say Don't invite them. It's your wedding and you obviously aren't comfortable with having him there.

    Just becasue you asked for her address, don't be sucked into that "wedding etiquette" jazz that says you have to invite her just because you spoke to her once in 2 years.

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    catemegcatemeg
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    I didn't say "wrecking the friendship" as some sort of threat, like I'd judge you for not inviting them.  Simply that that's the situation - if you wanted to stay friends, you would definitely have to invite her (and him), but if you didn't care, then it doesn't matter.  Honestly, you could just play dumb if she ever brings it up and say, "Oh shoot, I forgot I emailed you!  We ended up having a ton of family members so we had to cut the list."  It's not correct etiquette and definitely rude, but most people wouldn't make a huge deal out of it.

    My general rule is if you haven't talked to someone in over 1 year, then it's probably not worth the cost of the invitation let alone the cost of the plate.   That's a little harsh, and not ALWAYS true, but honestly if you haven't spoken in over a year they probably wouldn't be shocked to be left off the guest list.
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