Wedding Etiquette Forum

how do i politely...

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Re: how do i politely...

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:70677df5-c6ef-48b1-8578-5a1e1f34acb3">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, I know. I feel how I feel and I make no excuses for it. But I've gotten shiit about it. I mean, it's been 7 years, you're not over it yet?!?!?!!1111
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    Ugh. I want to stab people when they say that sh!t.
  • I'm so sorry for those of you who have lost a parent.  I had a major breakdown one day at just the thought of losing my mom... I don't know if I could handle it :(
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:70677df5-c6ef-48b1-8578-5a1e1f34acb3">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, I know. I feel how I feel and I make no excuses for it. But I've gotten shiit about it. I mean, it's been 7 years, you're not over it yet?!?!?!!1111
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]
    wow, yeah, that would make me stabby. i would like to dislodge anyone from my life who'd say something like that to me.
  • Jill, do you have any cousins who might be able to pass that message onto their mothers? I know that's kind of "back door," but it might be easier to mention it to them than to the aunts directly?
  • that's a thought i had, but i worried that it comes across as "pass a note in study hall" and wondered if it would reflect poorly on me.
  • It is the technically the correct 1950s way of addressing mail. If it really bugs you, and it sound like it does, then I would actually say something, because subtly is obviously not cutting it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:70677df5-c6ef-48b1-8578-5a1e1f34acb3">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, I know. I feel how I feel and I make no excuses for it. But I've gotten shiit about it. I mean, it's been 7 years, you're not over it yet?!?!?!!1111
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    It doesn't matter how long it is. A woman never really gets over losing her mother.  I was 16 when my mom was killed and I still hurt sometimes.  Mostly holidays and other special times.  Mother's Day is the worst!!

    I think I suggested this to someone on here before.  Read the book, "Motherless Daughters".  It's really thoughtful
  • First of all, my heart goes out to those of you who've lost a parent.  I can only imagine what it's like.

    Secondly, I feel ya sister.  I get stuff addressed to Mrs Ricky Smith...and my last name isnt' even Smith!  It took about 5 years but I got the worst offenders trained.  Of course, we got a christmas card addressed to Ricky and Laura Smith today, from H's cousin, so I'll have to mention something to her at Christmas.
  • Maybe it's just me, but this doesn't bother me much...I mean, it's just an envelope. It's going in the trash anyways.
  • I think it's more than just an envelope.  I am not giving up my first name when I get married, and I would be a little offended that people feel I should be addressed as if I had.  I would more than a little offended if it was on mail just for me like my own birthday card.  A woman is more than just the man she marries.
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  • Sorry, Jill. I think you're awesome, but you and I differ markedly on our views of this issue. If it "offends" you to be called by your husband's name... well, it was your choice. Ideally, they would get the hint and use everyone's preferences. but I can see how when addressing things the might not be able to recall, "now, how does Jill prefer to be addressed?" Technically, they're addressing you in a "correct" way etiquette wise. Some purists might say it's the *only* way etiquette-wise (those who say Mrs = "wife of", but I don't necessarily buy that). 
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  • I think it would help if you could take a step back for a moment and acquaint (or re-acquaint) yourself with the origin of Mrs. ... taking that step back, and deep breath, might help you stop being "sick of it" and please try give your relative some slack

    For centuries, Mrs. literally, has meant "one's wife,"  also wife of Mr. Whomever.  Those of us who came of age in the 1970s and 1980s didn't change our names precisely because we did not want to be referred to as wife of Mr. Whomever.  When our relatives called us Mrs. Husband's Last Name, we politely told them we didn't change our names.  Or we just rolled with it.

    Fast forward to the newest generation of brides ... I notice many are changing their last names, but not being very understanding of multiple generations who have only known one meaning of "Mrs."   But I digress ...

    I believe one-on-one, personal conversations are the best way to deal with it.  Emails, blogs, texting, etc., do not lend themselves to gentle persuasion you'll need to employ for this. 

    I wish you the best of luck!
  • So, Mery, does this  mean you're okay being called Mrs. Oliver H'sLastName?  Just asking.

    I don't mind being called Mrs. Ryan LastName, although it does bug me a little if we're referred to as "Dr. and Mrs." only because if they're using his professional title, they should use mine too.  But if we forgo the degree nonsense, I sort of like being Mr. and Mrs. Ryan LastName.


  • Mery didn't change her name Mica.

    I think Jill was just trying to find how to politely ask them to refer to her a certain way because she didn't want it to come off wrong. I don't think she's necessarily stabby that they are addressing her as Mrs. John Smith. She just wasn't sure how to address it because she's not particularly close with these aunts. (You can correct me if I'm wrong Jill).
  • edited December 2010
    In Response to Re: how do i politely...:
    [QUOTE]So, Mery, does this  mean you're okay being called Mrs. Oliver H'sLastName?  Just asking. I don't mind being called Mrs. Ryan LastName, although it does bug me a little if we're referred to as "Dr. and Mrs." only because if they're using his professional title, they should use mine too.  But if we forgo the degree nonsense, I sort of like being Mr. and Mrs. Ryan LastName.
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

    Lots of people have called me that, which is fine. I don't get offended by that. I married the guy, it's not like the sight of his name near mine gives me hives. However, technically, they'd be incorrect. I'm Ms. Meredith Mylast and he's Mr. Oliver Hislast. 

    Birdie, she mentioned a few times that it makes her angry, and I've seen her mention it before on the boards (when people ask about addressing invitations). I get having a preference. But I'm also all for owning your decisions. 

    Edit: It's nothing personal against Jill, I hope I made that clear. It's just something I don't get. If you change your name, you must assume that at some point, someone will address you as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith." Some women like that, especially newlyweds. 
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  • Ahhh ok. Well I'll butt out then! :)
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I kinda see where the OP is coming from here.  I am not changing my name at all when we get married... not one single bit of it.  I have a name, I like my name, and retaining that name doesn't make me any less married than changing it would.  I am still myself, an independent woman, with her own life, but also part of a two-person team and in a committed relationship with someone else.  FI is completely on board with it too.  I'm not changing it because I don't like the origins of the custom, and FI isn't too hot on them either.  I would be offended if someone referred to me as Mrs. Scott Hislastname.  VERY offended.  Still offended if I heard Mrs. Rebecca Hislastname, but slightly less so.  I do realize that for some generations that's what they consider proper, and that most women today do choose to change their name.  So, I'll gently let them know what my preference is, but I will expect them to respect that and use the name I prefer.  I would do the same for them.  I won't tolerate anyone ignoring it.  Again, if they had a preference, I would respect theirs, whether I agreed or not.

    Honestly, I am somewhat offended by anyone assuming I'm changing my name at all, even though around here it's very uncommon for a woman to keep her name after marriage.  I would think it would just be polite to inquire about preferences. I'm definitely willing to cut people some slack on this at first, because it is unusual, but ultimately I have to draw the line somewhere.  I will do my best to make sure the word is spread as well, so hopefully everyone will know ahead of time.  We will still be Mr. Scott Hislastname and Ms. Rebecca Mylastname, a married couple, and very much in love.  Nobody has to like it but us.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:deabfebc-4304-47aa-925d-eb2c96242d04">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE]they have addressed me as "mrs. john smith" on my birthday cards which makes me want to throw things. i also get upset when they address our xmas cards "mr. and mrs. john smith". both ways offend and upset me and i think i should be able to assert myself on this. i don't want to led it slide, which is why i'm inquiring about the best way to proceed.
    Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

    You have my sympathy.  I haven't changed my name and I have friends addressing Christmas cards to us as Mr. & Mrs. John Doe.  The first three came today and it ticked me off.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
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  • In this case, older relatives and all, I think I'd just let it slide.  Yes, it's irritating to be addressed as "Mrs. Husband's Name", but to older people it's the proper way to do it.  You already know that they aren't doing it to intentionally offend you, and I don't see any way to correct them without their getting all huffy and indignant. There is the potential to make this a multi-generational family fight if you take them on over this issue.  In the grand scheme of things, how an elderly relative addresses your birthday card is a very small problem.  Choose your battles.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:39f54700-9fc5-4303-9239-13c172f85618">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe it's just me, but this doesn't bother me much...I mean, it's just an envelope. It's going in the trash anyways.
    Posted by courtney1188[/QUOTE]

    <div>Was this supposed to be helpful?</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:35700c89-6377-43e7-9d8d-54bd8282464d">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i politely... : Was this supposed to be helpful?
    Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]

    That's what I was wondering Rosie. Jill is obviously not comfortable being addressed that way, even on an envelope, so she's asking for ways to get through to her Aunts that aren't addressing her the way she wishes. I think most people have covered the advice, but wanted to pop in and give ::hugs:: to all of those in the dead parents club. I'm a member and completely understand how those feelings will never truly go away. Love you all!
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I do not get being passive aggressive about this issue.  As long as I've 'known' you it's been an issue.  Stop hinting and just flat out tell them.  They are more than likely  older and that is the way  they were taught was the correct way writing out envelopes.  Technicality it's not 'wrong',so the hints are not getting through .   I would not do it by email though, I do not thing you can set the right tone. More than likely they will wonder why you didn't say something earlier.


    That said,  I go by both names and it's not a battle worth fighting for me when it comes to joint cards.  Especially on things like a christmas card or mass invitations.   I can just see people writing a out 30-100 christmas cards going into auto-mode.     Also my address on it's own is pretty long, adding both our first and last names makes for a very full envelope.

    Now things only addressed to Mrs John Hislastname would bug the crap out of me.  I would call them out on that in a heart beat.     But I've never once received a letter addressed like that in the 2.5 years I've been married.    Honestly I didn't know people still addressed envelops to only the wife that way.  
    (even my 103 year old Nana who prefers to be addressed by her late husband's name does not address envelopes to us like that)






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:69d64964-7b12-4673-8aa5-e365a3814652">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE] If it "offends" you to be called by your husband's name... well, it was your choice.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
    no, it was not my choice. i never remotely even toyed with the idea of choosing to change my first name. i chose to change my last name, but never my first name. and yes i'm offended by the implication that by choosing to change my last name i've chosen to change my first name, when i've done no such thing.

    we can agree to disagree, but don't tell me that i chose people to call me by an incorrect first name.
  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2010
    i would be offended by something coming solely to me as Mrs. John Smith.  however, something for both of us as Mr. and MRs. John Smith is correct addressing, for 1950 and 2010.  if you did not want to be addressed that way, then you should have kept your name if having it used was that important to you.
    EDIT:  this paragraph would be accurate if i changed my name, which i did not

    i kept my name, in part, because i didnt want to be Mrs. John Smith.  but i mostly kept it because its my name and i like it, and it had been my name for 32 years before i got married.  changing it seemed odd to me. 

    my godmother still sends us stuff Mr. and Mrs. John Smith even after seeing stuff from us with the two names.  i dont make a big deal abotu it, although i did notice this year that she sent our xmas card to Susan and John Smith.  that's progress i guess.  but really, she's 80, in assisted living, im not going to make a big deal.

    now a friend of mine who KNOWS i kept my name still sends stuff to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.  so i called him on it, and got a smart response, so i told him next year, i'm sending his card to Mr. and Mrs. John WifesMaidenName.
  • edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:6769621f-6a78-439b-a61d-4635e7a37f35">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE] if you did not want to be addressed that way, then you should have kept your name if having it used was that important to you.
    Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]
    i completely disagree with this. in fact, that's kinda my whole point. i NEVER said it was ok for people to address me by my husband's first name. i didn't change my first name. that format of addressing really offends me. i just want a way to nicely ask my relatives to respect my wishes. i'm not really looking to debate my stance on this.
  • I'm with you, Daff.  I feel like Mery and Calypso are both saying "hey, you chose to change your last name, so people can call you Mrs. John Smith all day long- tough!"

    That's ridiculous.  I changed my last name, but like Jill, I'm still Lindsey, not Brandon.  I didn't incorporate myself into his body.  We're still two seperate people who share a family name.
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  • how many relatives are we talking about?  just the one aunt, or are there others?

    if its the one aunt, i'd probably just call her up or say somethign in person next time you see her if you are that bothered by it.  but honestly, you may get a bizarre look or response.  people just arent used to Mr. and Mrs. John and Jill Smith since it isnt proper addressing.  you could suggest dropping the titles, as Jill and John Smith is fine.  id probably just ask to have titles dropped.
  • I'm with you, Daff.  I feel like Mery and Calypso are both saying "hey, you chose to change your last name, so people can call you Mrs. John Smith all day long- tough!"

    well, i did say that id be troubled by mail comign solely to me being "Mrs. John Smith".  that does seem silly

    i also get a lot of stuff "Mrs. Susan MyLastName".  i honestly dont like "Mrs." at all, and it isnt proper to use "Mrs." wiht my last name, since Mrs. MyLastName is technically my mother, or the wife of Mr. MyLastName.  But i dont make a gripe about it. 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:46325801-6d49-411c-8a60-72170821254f">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm with you, Daff.  I feel like Mery and Calypso are both saying "hey, you chose to change your last name, so people can call you Mrs. John Smith all day long- tough!" That's ridiculous.  I changed my last name, but like Jill, I'm still Lindsey, not Brandon.  I didn't incorporate myself into his body.  We're still two seperate people who share a family name.
    Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]
    yes, this is exactly where i'm coming from. though you've said it better. eloquence is not my strong point, lol. which is why i'm looking for help on this. but i think i've gotten a couple of pretty good ideas here.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:6a54dd33-4293-4498-86b1-353dfac23f9d">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i politely... : You have my sympathy.  I haven't changed my name and I have friends addressing Christmas cards to us as Mr. & Mrs. John Doe.  The first three came today and it ticked me off.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
    Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

    <div>We got one as "Meredith and Oliver Hislast." What's funny is that it's from a guy who was a GM in our wedding and his wife, who not only kept her last name, but gave it to their younger child. </div>
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