Moms and Maids

Bridal shower situation--long

I am the Matron of Honor in my friend's wedding.  She lives in one state, the groom's family in another, and I live in the city where she is getting married.  I figured the bridesmaids would throw her a shower locally, but the more I am hearing things, I feel like I will wind up throwing this myself which I feel is a bit unfair.  I know I am not obligated to throw a shower but if the bridesmaids don't do it, no one else will. 

The groom lives far away and I think his mother will be throwing a shower with the groom's sister in their location.  Thus, I feel like I can't expect the groom's sister, a bridesmaid, to financially contribute to  her shower in my area.  That is one bridesmaid down. 

Bride mentioned to me that Maid of Honor and another bridesmaid live out of state are in school, respectively, and may not be able to attend all wedding events for financial reasons/school commitments.  When asked which events she would prefer them to attend, she says bachelorette party because she would notice the absence of their presence more at that event than her bridal shower. 

That leaves me and another bridesmaid attending her local shower.  I am fine with traveling to groom's mother's location for her shower but when I brought this up to the bride she said she felt many of her guests would not be willing to travel to that location, but she appreciated that I was willing (um....).

What can I do?  I haven't emailed the other bridesmaids about a shower yet, but I am dreading it.  Is it unfair to ask bridesmaids who can't attend to contribute?  What would you do in this situation?  TIA.

Re: Bridal shower situation--long

  • edited December 2011
    I would not throw her a shower in your town if you can't afford it. It sounds like she is already having another shower (which is not a requirement anyhow). If she is expecting you to throw her one, that is rude of her. If you want to travel to her other shower, go ahead and do it. If you really want to throw her a shower, you could mention it to the other BM's, but it sounds like they wouldn't be able to contribute. Personally, I would skip it altogether. All showers are optional, and on top of that, she is getting one already!


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  • pennlexiepennlexie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I guess I kind of insinuated that I might be throwing her a shower.  I asked for names and stuff but at that point, I thought I would be getting help from other bridesmaids.  I don't mind throwing a shower with help, but I don't want to shoulder the financial burden of throwing a shower on my own.  I have recently asked her for names of people she is inviting and who she thinks will definitely be coming because alot of people are out of town so I can get an idea of how large it might be.

    I would not mind contributing to FMIL's shower but she kind of vetoed that idea as I discussed above.  Am I reneging?  I didn't make any plans for a shower and there is still more than a half year before the wedding.
  • edited December 2011
    Where is her mom?  In the city where the shower will be?  Maybe she can help.

    Two things:

    Showers do not have to be expensive.  Mid afternoon they can be a cake, ice tea/coffee, veggie tray, crackers and a cheese ball, chips/salsa at someone's place.  It doesn't have to be at a "venue" with a "menu".  I don't get the expectation for everything to be so fancy and expensive.

    If mom or family are there...ask for help.  I knew my daughter only had one of her girls in town and she was young, broke, and had a really small place.  We made a deal...she sent the invites, planned the afternoon, was the "hostess" and did set up and clean up.  I provided the home and the food.  It went beautifully.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
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    edited December 2011
    Ditto Muffin's mom that a shower certainly doesn't need to cost a lot.  Showers in my family were almost always held at my mom's house - chicken salad and tuna salad croissants, a couple sides and some punch - but you don't even have to do a full meal!  If you'd really like to do this for her I think you'd probably be able to with a very small budget.

    You have already at least implied that you would host a shower whether outright or not, but if you can't do it you can't do it.  She might be a little disappointed, but she'll get over it. 
  • edited December 2011
    ditto Muffin's Mom - we moms usually do not mind helping out with these things. There's also a grandmother and aunt that's hoping to help with my daughter's shower.

    It almost sounds like the bride would prefer that you host a bachelorette party, rather than a shower. You should just ask her how she feels about it. If you decide to do the bp instead, keep it simple. You don't want to bust everyone's budgets.
                       
  • soonAmrs2011soonAmrs2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I just went through a similar situation only I am the bride. :) One of my bridesmaids lives where I am now (school) and wanted to throw me a shower. As things got closer we realized that my family were the only part of the bridal party able to attend. 

    I new she didn't have a big budget from the beginning and I would have never expected her to spend a bunch of money. I just appreciated the fact that she was wanting to throw one for me. 

    Try to enjoy this time, talk to the bride about it, and let her know your concerns. Yes this shower is for her, but it is important that she knows how you are feeling about it. As the Matron of honor, you will already have your hands full with the wedding and what sounds like the bachlorette party. Yes it is nice to throw a shower, but it would be more of a concern if it was the only shower she was getting.

    Hang in there and good luck! 
  • pennlexiepennlexie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone.  I think it was just hard for me to think of anything scaled down.  Showers in my family are huge affairs  Her mom passed away and she doesn't really have relatives she is close to, so it would be up to me. 

    I think what is getting me is that she told two of the bridesmaids (including the maid of honor) that she would rather they come to the bachelorette.  I know she is the bride (trust me, I'm married and have been there) at the same time that leaves me with pretty much no help for the shower except from one other bridesmaid (on whom I don't know if I can really rely.)  Also, I guess I figured on some financial assistance from other bridesmaids.  However, if two are not coming, then are they going to be willing to contribute? 
  • edited December 2011
    I would find out from the bride who she would like invited to this shower that are not coming to the other shower.  If she comes up with enough people, have a small shower with some finger foods, cheesy games (lol), and some traditional decorations that you can get at Party City or Target.  If she only has a handful of people plan an alternative: a luncheon at a local resteraunt or movie night or something like that.  If she wants two showers to double up on gifts she may be out of luck but it sounds like her situation is pretty complicated. 

    Also- talk to the bride about your concerns and ask her to tell you what she wants.  I would start the conversation by saying "I am confused about your shower situation......" this would indicate that you would like to do something, you just arent sure what.

    Good luck!
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