Moms and Maids

MOH rant (long story)

Okay... this is a fairly long story but i am so hurt right now and I have no idea what to do. Please do not reply with mean comments (not that you would but some on TK tend to) because this is just how I feel...

Anyway, I have 2 MOHs and 4 BMs. one MOH is my cousin who is amazing/helpful but lives 18hrs away...  my other MOH is my childhood friend. The 2nd MOH is the person I have had issues with. We have been friends for over ten years and were dating our fiance/husband for the exact same amount of time. Of course someone has to get engaged first and it happened to be me. When I called all excited to tell her I was engaged I got an odd reaction. First it was happiness then it was upset/mad because she wasn't engaged yet. In short, she sucked all the fun of me telling her I was engaged and I spent more time trying to cheer her up then be happy for myself. This is just the beginning of how much she hurt my feelings... well, ironically, a week later her bf proposed. Now we are both engaged. I made it a point to be just as excited for her as I was for myself... she did not.

Her wedding was in december 2010 and mine is coming up in June 2011. At the beginning of all of our planning in Jan. 2010 I mentioned to her, "I think its fair to celebrate both of our weddings from here on, not celebrate yours for 12 months and then mine for 5months."   well, sadly, thats exactly what happened. I went the entire year talking to her non'-stop about her wedding... and getting very few questions back in return. She didn't even ask basic questions... I have more aquintances ask me questions about my wedding then she'-s asked me in the past year and a half.

here are some examples of her actions:
  •  I was super excited when she got her wedding dress and immediately planned a trip to go see it (a 3hr drive). She said "cool" when I told her I got my dress. Didn't even ask what it looked like.
  •  I spent an hour on the phone with her when her engagement pics came in.. picking my favs and telling them how great they are. When I got mine she simply said "they are nice". and this comment was made months after I got them and posted them on facebook.
  • Same as above with the Save the dates
  • I made MANY trips to where she lives to help with various things or attend various parties... she has come up here twice.
  • I planned her bachelorette party w/ her sister just like she wanted. She told me it is not her job to plan any parties for me. So my other BMs are planning it.
  • I was a MOH in her wedding, along with her sister, but I was only mentioned as a MOH in the program. I was origionally supposed to give a speech at the reception then it got taken away from me and wasnt even annouced as the MOH at the reception like the other MOH. kinda odd and hurt my feelings.
  • There is more but i feel like I could go on for days....
Okay, so here is my big issue. So i did all this great stuff for her and was soooo interested and happy for her for 12 months!!!! Now her wedding has passed and there is only a few months till my wedding... finally my turn, right? How about I haven't even heard from her in over a month!!!! no phone call, no text, not even a facebook "like" on anything.

Am i over'-reacting or is this just getting ridiculous????? My feelings are so beyond hurt and yes, I've talked to her about all of this like 6mons ago and she changed for a day and then it was back to not caring.

To be honest, I havent even wanted her in the wedding for the past year or so since all of this stuff started happening. I know you can't/shouldn't kick someone out of a wedding or make them just a BM instead of MOH... but when is enough, enough?? Why should i have to put up with all this added stress and getting upset for someone who doesn'-t seem to care about not only my wedding but my life as well???

Help :(

Re: MOH rant (long story)

  • orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, then don't be. But don't think you can continue to be friends if you remove her from your wedding.

    And it sounds like you were an overboard excited MOH, which is fine, but obviously that's not the kind of MOH she is. Just because she doesn't talk to you about your wedding or isn't excited about all these little details doesn't mean that she doesn't support your decision and love you. It just means she just not that into your wedding. And that is perfectly fine.

    Honestly, nothing you said makes me go 'How dare she!' and agree that she is being a terrible friend/person/MOH. All she needs to do is show up in the dress you selected (or you let her select, whichever). And so far, since your wedding hasn't occured yet, she's on track to do just that.

    Take a deep breath and step back from the situation. Think about it as a friend instead of a bride. She just started a new chapter in her life. If you want to be friends with her, you gotta deal with it.

    Try to talk to her, but leave the wedding out of it.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thank you for your comments, they are appreciated. One of the things I did not include was the parts of my life that I would hope she would care about which she has shown little emotion for.... for instance, this past year I found out that I may have an ovarian disease that may or may not affect my fertility, which is obviously a very upsetting/scary thing to find out... when i called to tell her about it she said, "oh... i'm  sorry, that sucks..." and that was it!!! I mean, Im not expecting her to cry for me but I would at least like a follow up question or some sense of concern from a person i've been friends with for so long.

    Also, my FI and I are struggling alot financially and it has been extremely difficult and when i try to discuss these things with her I get hardly any response or any empathy. again, not expecting alot just expecting something!!

    Do you see what i'm getting at?? These things go far beyond the wedding :(
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-rant-long-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d917bc6-de95-4a5e-9f43-612ca48d009aPost:2ed3923c-afde-44cf-93dc-92964fdd9600">MOH rant (long story)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay... this is a fairly long story but i am so hurt right now and I have no idea what to do. Please do not reply with mean comments (not that you would but some on TK tend to) because this is just how I feel... Anyway, I have 2 MOHs and 4 BMs. one MOH is my cousin who is amazing/helpful but lives 18hrs away...  my other MOH is my childhood friend. The 2nd MOH is the person I have had issues with. We have been friends for over ten years and were dating our fiance/husband for the exact same amount of time. Of course someone has to get engaged first and it happened to be me. When I called all excited to tell her I was engaged I got an odd reaction. First it was happiness then it was upset/mad because she wasn't engaged yet. In short, she sucked all the fun of me telling her I was engaged and I spent more time trying to cheer her up then be happy for myself. This is just the beginning of how much she hurt my feelings... well, ironically, a week later her bf proposed. Now we are both engaged. I made it a point to be just as excited for her as I was for myself... she did not. Her wedding was in december 2010 and mine is coming up in June 2011. At the beginning of all of our planning in Jan. 2010 I mentioned to her, "I think its fair to celebrate both of our weddings from here on, not celebrate yours for 12 months and then mine for 5months."   well, sadly, thats exactly what happened. I went the entire year talking to her non'-stop about her wedding... and getting very few questions back in return. She didn't even ask basic questions... I have more aquintances ask me questions about my wedding then she'-s asked me in the past year and a half. here are some examples of her actions:  I was super excited when she got her wedding dress and immediately planned a trip to go see it (a 3hr drive). She said "cool" when I told her I got my dress. Didn't even ask what it looked like.  I spent an hour on the phone with her when her engagement pics came in.. picking my favs and telling them how great they are. When I got mine she simply said "they are nice". and this comment was made months after I got them and posted them on facebook. Same as above with the Save the dates I made MANY trips to where she lives to help with various things or attend various parties... she has come up here twice. I planned her bachelorette party w/ her sister just like she wanted. She told me it is not her job to plan any parties for me. So my other BMs are planning it. I was a MOH in her wedding, along with her sister, but I was only mentioned as a MOH in the program. I was origionally supposed to give a speech at the reception then it got taken away from me and wasnt even annouced as the MOH at the reception like the other MOH. kinda odd and hurt my feelings. There is more but i feel like I could go on for days.... Okay, so here is my big issue. So i did all this great stuff for her and was soooo interested and happy for her for 12 months!!!! Now her wedding has passed and there is only a few months till my wedding... finally my turn, right? How about I haven't even heard from her in over a month!!!! no phone call, no text, not even a facebook "like" on anything. Am i over'-reacting or is this just getting ridiculous????? My feelings are so beyond hurt and yes, I've talked to her about all of this like 6mons ago and she changed for a day and then it was back to not caring. To be honest, I havent even wanted her in the wedding for the past year or so since all of this stuff started happening. I know you can't/shouldn't kick someone out of a wedding or make them just a BM instead of MOH... but when is enough, enough?? Why should i have to put up with all this added stress and getting upset for someone who doesn'-t seem to care about not only my wedding but my life as well??? Help :(
    Posted by mjmartel[/QUOTE]

    Don't even think of kicking her out.  You can only do this if she's tried to sleep with your FI or has physically assaulted you.

    That said, while it would be nice if she went overboard like you did, she's not required to do so.  You should know by now that you cannot dictate the reactions of others.   I'm also curious as to how old the two of you are if you are childhood friends who have known eachother for ten years.  Honestly, to me you both sound immature (sorry if that sounds mean, but that's what I'm getting from this).

    As for the time frame to celebrate your wedding, here it is: one day.  That's it.  

    And  as to why you should have to put op with this added stress, you're bringing it on yourself with your expectations.  Accept that she isn't going to get gushy with excitement and move one.  You'll be much happier.
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  • KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Plan your wedding without telling her too much or anything, unless she asks.  If AFTER the wedding you don't want her in your life anymore, sever the ties.

    But whatever you do, DO NOT kick her out of the BP unless you are 10000% certain right this moment that you don't ever want to be friends with her.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-rant-long-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d917bc6-de95-4a5e-9f43-612ca48d009aPost:d0d922da-a420-4201-98f6-a41634e406a5">Re: MOH rant (long story)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for your comments, they are appreciated. One of the things I did not include was the parts of my life that I would hope she would care about which she has shown little emotion for.... for instance, this past year I found out that I may have an ovarian disease that may or may not affect my fertility, which is obviously a very upsetting/scary thing to find out... when i called to tell her about it she said, "oh... i'm  sorry, that sucks..." and that was it!!! I mean, Im not expecting her to cry for me but I would at least like a follow up question or some sense of concern from a person i've been friends with for so long. Also, my FI and I are struggling alot financially and it has been extremely difficult and when i try to discuss these things with her I get hardly any response or any empathy. again, not expecting alot just expecting something!! Do you see what i'm getting at?? These things go far beyond the wedding :(
    Posted by mjmartel[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry about your diagnosis.  A lot of people don't know how to react to these kinds of situations.  Now if she immediately started talking about shopping or the latest issue of People magazine, then I'd say she's an insensitive twit.

    And nobody is comfortable hearing about other people's financial situations - it's like hearing about their sex lives. 
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks.

    goodluckbear14.... we have been friends since middle school.. I am 23. I am sure it sounds immature and I will admit I am a pretty emotional/sentimental person so I see how you may see it that way but I believe that if this is my one day... I am allowed to want my best friend to care. again, I am not expecting her to be an "overachiever"... I would just like a little bit of care. i do not believe I went over and above as an MOH... I did what I believe any friend would do for someone they love.
  • vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    There are two things you need to tell yourself over and over again:

    Nobody will be as excited for my wedding as I am

    Wedding enthusiasum does not have to be reciprocated.

    It doesn't mean she is a bad friend for not gushing over your wedding.  It does not mean you are a better friend for being excited for her.  Stop keeping tallys  of questions asked and excitement levels and enjoy this time.  Talk to her about stuff besides the wedding and don't be upset if she doesn't get emotional when you do talk about the wedding.  Leave her in the party as is.  Your wedding party is not about who salivates the most for your wedding planning or who helps you tie up favors.  They should be your friends or family that have been in your life.  As soon as you start keeping score, you lose sight of why they are standing up with you in the first place.  As you can see, it becomes stressful.  You will be a lot happier and less stressed if you go with the flow and try to rekindle the friendship. 

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  • edited December 2011
    @goodluckbear14 (how do you do the highlighting thing in your replies???)

    She responsed to my diagnosis by talking about her wedding, just moved past it. before we got engaged we could talk about ANYTHING and she was so sentimental and gave great advice. She was always the person I ran to when I had a problem so it was not awkward at all to discuss things like - finances, sex life, etc.

    I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt thinking... "maybe its stress from her life/wedding and things will go back to normal after her wedding"... and then nothing changed. She just doesn'-t talk to me at all now.
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you vsgal... that is very sound advice!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-rant-long-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d917bc6-de95-4a5e-9f43-612ca48d009aPost:ab41aebe-6b94-4fb9-9b68-3dd322c7a4fa">Re: MOH rant (long story)</a>:
    [QUOTE]@goodluckbear14  (how do you do the highlighting thing in your replies???) She responsed to my diagnosis by talking about her wedding, just moved past it. before we got engaged we could talk about ANYTHING and she was so sentimental and gave great advice. She was always the person I ran to when I had a problem so it was not awkward at all to discuss things like - finances, sex life, etc. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt thinking... "maybe its stress from her life/wedding and things will go back to normal after her wedding"... and then nothing changed. She just doesn'-t talk to me at all now.
    Posted by mjmartel[/QUOTE]

    You hit the quote button on the post you want to quote.

    Okay.  Then she's an insensitive twit.  Unfortunately, you're stuck with her.  I do have one more question for you though.  When is the last time you had a conversation with her where your wedding was not brought up at all?
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  • edited December 2011
    thanks :)


    it was the last time I spoke with her over a month and a half ago. we talked about jobs/money/family/friends... etc...
  • edited December 2011
    We actually do not talk about my wedding much anymore because she never asks and when I try and talk about it she usually changes the subject.
  • brimoreybrimorey member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I honestly feel for you. My sister is my MOH and she did the EXACT same thing when I got engaged. She was upset bc she's older and has kids and isn't married, so i tried to tell her in a really gentle way. She said "oh, that's nice" and hung up. Then she threw a fit when I was thinking about whether to ask her to MOH or not.
    I feel hurt for you with all that you said. If you have been friends with her for this long, you hope that your friend would be more excited for you and more involved- at least over the phone.
    I just wanted to let you know that I empathize with you!! Congrats on your upcoming wedding, mines in June of 2011, too!
  • edited December 2011
    I completely empathize with you as well! I have faced similar things with some friends.....and while I don't expect over-excitement from eveyone, I do expect it from the people who are closest to me......and those seem to be the people who have left me wanting more.....It definitely has hurt my feelings, so I totally know where you are coming from. Like PP said, you'll just have to let it go for now, and only talk to her about WR stuff when she brings it up, or when it's absolutely necessary.......and just see what happens from there. Try to focus on your other BM's and enjoy their company....obviously she has shown that she doesn't have much interest, so don't try to force it. If she comes around, then she comes around. If she doesn't, then so be it........you're better off then right?

    I find it pretty odd that the people who have shown the most excitement are people who I would not have exactly expected it from....and those that I expected it from have totally let me down and hurt me through this process.

    Honestly, here is what people tell me all the time. Your wedding is really about you and your FI saying your vows and joining your lives together. That's it really. If at the end of the day, you are married, it was a success. Focus on your FI. Share your excitement with your FI. Be happy with your FI. And don't worry about the friends/family who seem to be withdrawing themselves from your life. A wedding is a big turning point in people's lives and tons of things happen around that time. Just go with it and know that at the end of it all, you are going to have a wonderful husband standing by your side. And that's all that really matters.
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