Wedding dress code?

fridaysdance · August 2012

We have some relatives who do not know how to dress for a wedding. They would show up in their biker gear, Hawaiian shirts, and flip flops if allowed. I do not want them to be uncomfortable but I have put some serious time into making it a fancier wedding on a budget. It is all at our church but will look nice from what I have already put together. Would it be ok to put something like the following on our wedding website?

Suggested attire: Men- Slacks/khakis, polo or buttondown shirt
Ladies- Dresses or skirts would be nice but slacks are fine if you are more comfortable that way
Bridesmaids are wearing gold if you fear clashing or matching too much.

I need some suggestions. I know the people invited have these clothes so I'm not worried someone will not be able to afford it and feel so bad they don't come. It's not a black tie affair. I just feel like some of the people may need some guidance.

KatWAG · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-dress-code-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3746499f-34f3-4a68-a193-3e0883ca36daPost:c5632a37-83b5-4574-b97c-ae57f909ee5f">Wedding dress code?</a>:
[QUOTE]We have some relatives who do not know how to dress for a wedding. They would show up in their biker gear, Hawaiian shirts, and flip flops if allowed. I do not want them to be uncomfortable but I have put some serious time into making it a fancier wedding on a budget. It is all at our church but will look nice from what I have already put together. Would it be ok to put something like the following on our wedding website? Suggested attire: Men- Slacks/khakis, polo or buttondown shirt Ladies- Dresses or skirts would be nice but slacks are fine if you are more comfortable that way Bridesmaids are wearing gold if you fear clashing or matching too much. I need some suggestions. I know the people invited have these clothes so I'm not worried someone will not be able to afford it and feel so bad they don't come. It's not a black tie affair. I just feel like some of the people may need some guidance.
Posted by fridaysdance[/QUOTE]

No this is not ok. They are adults. They are perfectly capable of dressing themselves. I promise, if someone shows up in jeans, your day won't be ruined. I doubt you will in even notice.

midgetthemighty · August 2012

gurrlballa10 · August 2012

Rach, please show the picture again.

Maggie0829 · August 2012

The only time you can dictate a dress code is if the wedding is black tie or the venue has a dress code policy that must be followed (like men must wear a jacket type of thing).

But since you are putting this on your website I don't think it would be horrible if you just wrote something like business casual but getting detailed is a bit much. Just know that you can suggest attire until you are blue in the face but that doesn't mean anyone will listen or follow your suggestion. Also, I don't know about the rest of the knotties out there but I rarely, if ever, look at someone's wedding website...IMO they seem pointless.

baystateapple · August 2012

Think about how you, a grown woman, would appreciate a note telling you how to dress appropriately.

StephBeanWed61502 · August 2012

I agree with everyone else, it's rude. Your invitation should be formal, and people should take their hint from that. If they don't, there's nothing else you can do without being rude. The ONLY thing you could MAYBE do is mention, casually, in passing, to the family busybody that it's a more formal affair and hope that she or he passes the info along by word of mouth.

fridaysdance · August 2012

I'm not worried about looking silly. I just have crazy relatives that do not know how to dress themselves. I wouldn't be upset by jeans if they looked ok, but the church has some unwritten rules as to how to dress and I wanted to steer people towards that so nothing is said by any elders.

I wanted something closer black tie but couldn't find a venue in the area (sick relatives so we couldn't move it). I called country clubs and they were all already booked for holiday parties that weekend. The church ended up being our best option and I just kept all the same decorations for the reception hall.

I didn't think to put any of this in my original post for some reason.

P.S. I have had to call the bridesmaids or bride for the last four weddings I attended here because I couldn't tell from their crazy looking invitations. Mine is quite fancy looking to me but I don't know how other people would take it.

Winnertag1 · August 2012

Dont put it on your site or indicate it anywhere.

If you are really worried, have your parents relay it through word of mouth in a polite way, im sure some people will ask them what they should way/what the attire is, but in the end it shouldnt really matter how they are dressed. Grown adults (should) know how to dress themselves.

artbyallie · August 2012

Your update doesn't change anything. If your relatives don't know how to dress, they won't care to read and follow your instructions anyway. Relax and let it go because this is something you can't control and does not affect you.

fridaysdance · August 2012

It's not necessarily no jeans, but I don't want everybody calling me and asking. The family busy body moved to another state so there is no one to spread it by word of mouth really.

KatWAG · August 2012

I have gone and read some of your past posts (and looked at your invite) and I would be very inclined to dress casually for your wedding.

Not that there is anything wrong with it, but an invite that mentions "snacks" without formal wording and that is serving 6 foot subs, pretzel rolls and having video games doesnt seem to need a dress code.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

Still no can do. If the Church does not actually have a dress code or policy, you can't say anything. Let people gossip if they want to. It won't be about you, anyway, but about the people who didn't dress up to the elders' "standards."

I would be highly offended, as someone who DOES dress properly for weddings and other social events, to have you list out to me what's "OK" for me to wear. The few people you actually want to target will probably wear want they want anyway, and now you've gone and offended the other guests who knew how to dress in the first place.

fridaysdance · August 2012

Ok, thanks. I was just wondering. Some of these people have never been to a church wedding so I was just thinking about how to let them know without them needing to call.

Habs2Hart · August 2012

I put a suggested attire part on my website, but I used it to inform guests that the ceremony was going to be outside so that they could dress appropriately for the sun/wing/whatever weather, not so they would wear the right thing to the wedding.

You just have to roll with it.

midgetthemighty · August 2012

We had almost 300 people at our church wedding/reception. Not one person called to ask how they should dress. I really don't think you need to worry about it.

rlavach · August 2012

I understand where you're coming from in that you don't want others to be embarassed. Really, that is unlikely. If they are concerned enough about their clothing being appropriate, they will ask. I had a few cousins ask me the day before if their dresses were too short or revealing for our conservative church wedding. I told them to wear whatever they please & that no one will 'kick them out' for their clothing. They wore the dresses & put shawls on for the ceremony.

So moral of the story: Don't tell people how to dress. If they want to know, they'll ask. Even then, don't tell them.

fridaysdance · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-dress-code-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3746499f-34f3-4a68-a193-3e0883ca36daPost:232079a0-9bf6-49c9-8a08-b03f3f8a034e">Re: Wedding dress code?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have gone and read some of your past posts (and looked at your invite) and I would be very inclined to dress casually for your wedding. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but an invite that mentions "snacks" without formal wording and that is serving 6 foot subs, pretzel rolls and having video games doesnt seem to need a dress code.
Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]

I changed the invitation wording thanks to the information on that post. Why would it matter what food we're serving? We don't like fancy food and want to eat at our own wedding. I'm not sure how to make the invitation more formal to indicate the style of the wedding.

I got a very informal wedding invitation one time and thought I could dress casually in a sundress. I showed up and it was a $100,000 wedding with people in tuxedos everywhere.

If I cannot say anything, can someone give me an idea of a more formal invitation? No one here really does response cards btw. That's why I said to see the back of the invite for RSVP information.

fridaysdance · August 2012

I don't have a copy handy right now. There is one on a previous post. I just changed the wording about the food at the reception so people would know we were having a little more than cake.

ski2play · August 2012

Oh my head!

gurrlballa10 · August 2012

I'm not going to lie...from your previous posts, it does sound like you are having a more casual wedding. Which, there is absolutely nothing wrong with. You just can't dictate what people wear.

Habs2Hart · August 2012

Sorry honey, 6 foot subs and pretzel rolls don't equal fancy, or even semi-formal. It is picnic food. You can dress up regular food to suit the occasion, but this is not it. I would dress informal for this wedding.

fridaysdance · August 2012

Sorry for making everybody crazy over this. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal seeing as I always call someone in the wedding party if I'm not sure. I thought it might be nice for people to have a suggested list.

mmmendi · August 2012

On the other hand, most people have some concept of 'church clothes'. (My limited personal experience has found that non-attenders assume a more formal concept than anyone I have attended with) Granted, that means different things to different people. In the end, if they are able to celebrate with you, as long as you don't have something so grossly inappropriate as to be distracting (Hmmm...trying to think of an example, maybe someone has a great GIF for an "Not Acceptable In Church" outfit) - then just enjoy your day, enjoy your guests, and put this in the 'not within my control' bucket. Not worth the worry!

fridaysdance · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-dress-code-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3746499f-34f3-4a68-a193-3e0883ca36daPost:2025439d-d10b-4c7c-814b-8fe95b09ea62">Re: Wedding dress code?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry honey, 6 foot subs and pretzel rolls don't equal fancy, or even semi-formal. It is picnic food. You can dress up regular food to suit the occasion, but this is not it. I would dress informal for this wedding.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

I still don't understand how the food has anything to do with it. My cousin had a very formal wedding with pepperoni rolls, wings, and some sort of barbecue stuff. I think it all depends on how you present it. We are having tacos as our main dish but have several who are allergic or picky so the other foods are for them or the kids. We would be having gourmet sliders if FI ate hamburger so the food is more so people will actually eat rather than me taking home a ton of food nobody liked. I never eat at weddings who serve chicken or steak.

StephBeanWed61502 · August 2012

In Response to Re:Wedding dress code?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding dress code?:In Response to Re: Wedding dress code? : I still don't understand how the food has anything to do with it. My cousin had a very formal wedding with pepperoni rolls, wings, and some sort of barbecue stuff. I think it all depends on how you present it. We are having tacos as our main dish but have several who are allergic or picky so the other foods are for them or the kids. We would be having gourmet sliders if FI ate hamburger so the food is more so people will actually eat rather than me taking home a ton of food nobody liked. I never eat at weddings who serve chicken or steak.Posted by fridaysdanceWait, what?nbsp; How come? Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

Edie, I think because she doesn't like that kind of food.

And OP, have you ever been to a fancy restaurant? Like, "ties and jackets required" fancy. The menu is significantly more sophisticated than tacos and assorted bar type food. Saying a wedding is "formal" implies plated, multi course meals with white glove waiter service, not tacos and sandwiches served on a buffet.

That's not to say that there's anything wrong with your menu, it just isn't "formal," either in content or in the way it's being served.

jessicabessica · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-dress-code-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3746499f-34f3-4a68-a193-3e0883ca36daPost:f01e93ca-3dab-4dc9-8d66-0b53819be5e4">Re: Wedding dress code?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding dress code? : I still don't understand how the food has anything to do with it. My cousin had a very formal wedding with pepperoni rolls, wings, and some sort of barbecue stuff. I think it all depends on how you present it. We are having tacos as our main dish but have several who are allergic or picky so the other foods are for them or the kids. We would be having gourmet sliders if FI ate hamburger so the food is more so people will actually eat rather than me taking home a ton of food nobody liked. I never eat at weddings who serve chicken or steak.
Posted by fridaysdance[/QUOTE]

The formality of the wedding is more than just what people are wearing. I would not want to eat a sandwich off a paper plate while sitting at a picnic table if I was wearing a nice cocktail dress. (I am not saying this is what you are doing, just trying to give you an example.)

If people call you to ask what to wear, you can tell them what you would suggest. By posting something on your website, you may offend people that know enough to dress themselves, and you probably won't get through to people that would be dressed inappropriately by your standards. Also, I would respectfully point out that many may consider a Hawaiian shirt a "button down."

Maggie0829 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-dress-code-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3746499f-34f3-4a68-a193-3e0883ca36daPost:f01e93ca-3dab-4dc9-8d66-0b53819be5e4">Re: Wedding dress code?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding dress code? : I still don't understand how the food has anything to do with it. My cousin had a very formal wedding with pepperoni rolls, wings, and some sort of barbecue stuff. I think it all depends on how you present it. We are having tacos as our main dish but have several who are allergic or picky so the other foods are for them or the kids. We would be having gourmet sliders if FI ate hamburger so the food is more so people will actually eat rather than me taking home a ton of food nobody liked. I never eat at weddings who serve chicken or steak.
Posted by fridaysdance[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but what type of food you serve does help to determine the formality of the event. I doubt anyone having a blacktie affair would be serving pizza and wings on paper plates with red solo cups to drink out of. I also wouldn't expect someone who is having a casual backyard wedding to serve foie gras and caviar.

The elements of a wedding need to all kind of coordinate with a certain level of formality.

mmmendi · August 2012

Maggie .. I am holding you personally responsible for 'red solo cup...' annoying my brain now.

ahhhitsshannyn · August 2012

I would feel like an idiot if I was wearing a formal gown and chowing down on some tacos. Just realize your wedding is not formal (FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME, NOT A BAD THING) and you cannot tell people what to wear. People will figure it out on their own. And honestly, for an afternoon wedding, they will probably think casual.

Maggie0829 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-dress-code-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3746499f-34f3-4a68-a193-3e0883ca36daPost:5b358c4a-c284-4d04-9b89-d8225050b3e4">Re: Wedding dress code?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maggie .. I am holding you personally responsible for 'red solo cup...' annoying my brain now.
Posted by mmmendi[/QUOTE]

Hahaha...as soon as I typed it the song started playing in my head!

Wedding dress code?

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