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Mom / FMIL question

[Deleted User][Deleted User]
100 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Looking for advice.
FMIL has MS.  She is declining to do the traditional "seating of the mothers", and would prefer to be acknowledged at her table as far as the reception goes.  Also, for the unity candle, someone will be bringing the candle to her and then walking it back up to the altar.  She also will not participate in a mother/son dance.
We understand that she is uncomfortable with everyone "looking at her" (her words).   We let her make the decision for herself on all of these traditions.
Does this mean that my mother should also not be escorted down the aisle for the processional?  Should she also not get up for the unity candle lighting? And should she not walk in as she is introduced at the reception?  I'm going to talk to my mom about it tomorrow. 
But I'm just curious, because I want to respect FMIL's wishes, but I don't want my mom to feel like her wishes aren't respected.
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Re: Mom / FMIL question

  • Carrie81677Carrie81677
    10 Comments
    It sounds like you've really worked well to make sure that your FMIL is accommodated and comfortable, and that's great.  Talk to your mom about her wishes, but I don't think there's anything wrong with having her escorted to her seat, going up for the unity candle, etc.  Perhaps for the unity candle she can walk with the person carrying the candle over to your FMIL and then to the altar, so she's not just standing up there waiting?

    For the reception introductions, it might be less confusing to spotlight all the parents at their tables first, and then just have the WP actually walk in, so that people aren't going back and forth from walk in to table to walk in.
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    I agree that talking to your mom is important.  In your situation, I think I would still have your mom (MOB) escorted down the aisle but I would have whoever brings the unity candle to FMIL bring it to MOB, too - or maybe two people, one goes to each mom at the same time for their portion.

    As far as the reception, you can forgo announcing anyone except you and FI, or maybe just you, FI and the wedding party, and ask your MC/DJ acknowledge all of the parents at their places before toasts/speeches.

    I think it's wonderful that you are adjusting things to include your FMIL and I hope you can find the right balance.  GL!
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  • crash2729crash2729 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    I would let your Mom do the traditional things. I think you've done really well accomodating your FMIL. 
    For my wedding we only announced the WP and us. I think the intro get too long once you start introducing everyone.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think it's great that you've been so accomodating of your FMIL's wishes, but I don't think that means your mom should miss out on things she may have been looking forward to.  Try to find out what she's been looking forward to doing without referencing what FMIL is doing first, then see if hearing what FMIL is doing changes her mind.  I think having her as part of the procession is absolutely fine, as is having her go up to light the candle.  For the reception we introduced our grandparents from their seats then started the entrances with the parents; I've seen that done frequently, so as long as you do all seated intros first I don't think it will be awkward or confusing at all.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It sounds like you have been very accomodating to your FMIL with her request.  But you should do the same with your Mom.  If your Mom would like to be escorted down the aisle then that should be done.  If your Mom would like to walk into the reception when the parents and WP are announced she should be allowed.

    I don't think it would be fair to limit your Mom to what she can and can't do just because your FMIL is making certain requests for herself.  I am sure your FMIL does not expect you to treat your Mom any differently because of her requests.

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  • tpender13tpender13 member
    2500 Comments
    Is it very important to you to have special seatings and introductions? I ask because we didn't do any of them. We set aside the first couple rows at the ceremony for immediate family, but everyone found their own way there. We did an impromptu receiving line, then H and I took a short break with the photographer for more pics -- all the others were done before the ceremony. Then we were able to mingle with our guests for most of the cocktail hour. At that point, it seemed silly for us to be formally introduced.

    Our ceremony and reception was in the same building, so I get that doing this wouldn't work for everyone.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    100 Comments
    UPDATE:
    Talk to my mom today.  She wants to be escorted prior to ceremony, but will be introduced from her table at reception. As far as the unity candle, the GM and MOH (I have two) will be bringing the candles down and back up from the moms.
    Thanks everyone for your input :)
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