Am I wrong to be feeling like this?

Karla&Ryno · June 2012

I have 4 bm and 1 jrbm. I am paying for everyones makeup. I had my hair trial last week and absolutely loved the way my hair came out. I emailed my bms and gave them the price list that the hairstylist had given me. I have gotten responses from 2 of my bms telling me that $65 is too much to pay for their hair to get done. However, they are not contributing financially to the bridal shower or bach party. I don't think that this is too much to ask, but I really don't know where to go from here. Any suggestions?

SmallenForever · June 2012

If you require them to get their hair done, you should pay for it. Bridesmaids don't have to contribute to any party; their only real job is to help and support you on the day of your wedding. So either let them do their own hair or pay for it yourself.

SmallenForever · June 2012

oops, double post!

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-i-wrong-to-be-feeling-like-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0aed3e9c-05c8-40c3-bd6e-9603935ddf8ePost:071a93db-1130-44a7-9592-fb3071324030">Am I wrong to be feeling like this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 4 bm and 1 jrbm. I am paying for everyones makeup. I had my hair trial last week and absolutely loved the way my hair came out. I emailed my bms and gave them the price list that the hairstylist had given me. I have gotten responses from 2 of my bms telling me that $65 is too much to pay for their hair to get done. However, they are not contributing financially to the bridal shower or bach party. I don't think that this is too much to ask, but I really don't know where to go from here. Any suggestions?
Posted by Karla&Ryno[/QUOTE]

Them not contributing to a party has absolutely nothing to do with the hair thing. First, I hope you aren't asking or expecting them to pay for showers or parties. They are in no way, shape, or form obligated to and if people are throwing you showers or parties, you shouldn't even be involved in it or who is paying or what.

Now for the hair thing, are you requiring them to get their hair done professionally? If so, you pay. If you are just saying, "hey ladies, if you'd like to get your hair done, here is what my salon charges if you're interested" then that's fine. If it costs too much for them, they can do their own hair or use a different salon.

OBX2011 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-i-wrong-to-be-feeling-like-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0aed3e9c-05c8-40c3-bd6e-9603935ddf8ePost:071a93db-1130-44a7-9592-fb3071324030">Am I wrong to be feeling like this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 4 bm and 1 jrbm. I am paying for everyones makeup. I had my hair trial last week and absolutely loved the way my hair came out. I emailed my bms and gave them the price list that the hairstylist had given me. I have gotten responses from 2 of my bms telling me that $65 is too much to pay for their hair to get done. However, they are not contributing financially to the bridal shower or bach party. I don't think that this is too much to ask, but I really don't know where to go from here. Any suggestions?
Posted by Karla&Ryno[/QUOTE]

Are you for real? So, b/c they haven't chipped in for the shower or b-party, that allows you to force them into paying to get their hair done? Your priorities are all sorts of wrong here.

If you are requiring that everyone get their hair professionally styled, then YOU pay for it. Period. You cannot force them to have their hair done professionally. Period.

karulyne · June 2012

I think it would be nice of you to pay if you're requiring their hair be that way. It would be one thing if they were all offering to pay for it but if they don't want to pay 65 dollars for a hairdo, I think you need to step up and pay yourself if its important to you that their hair be done with this stylist.

Maybe you could talk to them about some alternatives to make everyone happy if you're not able to pay for their hair either, like let them do their own hair if they'll agree to have it in an updo of some sort? Or maybe you could cover part of the expense so its not too much for them? I'd talk to them directly and see if you guys can come to a compromise.

ElisabethJoanne · June 2012

$65 is more than my bridesmaids' dresses and shoes together. ($30 each dress; $20 each pair of shoes). $65 is also 3x what I pay for a haircut. I've only had my hair professionally styled twice, when I was a girl. I think it was $20-40.

So, yes, $65 is too much to pay for a hairstyle.

But PPs are right. That's beside the point. You can't make them go to a salon. If you ask them to, you have to pay for it if they decide to do it. One of my bridesmaids is strangely uncomfortable with strangers touching her. She wouldn't want her hair done professionally even if I paid for it, and that's her perogative.

Karla&Ryno · June 2012

Sorry, I think I should have added all of the details. I have never told them they need to get their and makeup done. I purely suggested the vendors. When I presented the options for hair & makeup (the different quotes I was given at different salons) my bms said they would prefer their makeup to be done professionally versus their hair. I then was told by my bms that they could not pay for their hair or makeup due to all of the expenses of the bridal shower & bach party. We are taking a cruise & I am paying for myself willingly. I completely understood and I went ahead and paid for their makeup b/c that is the option they preferred. The issue now is that I have my mother (who is paying for the bridal shower) and moh constantly talking to me about the bridal shower and all of the other wedding associated parties. I have repeatedly told them that I don't want to know anything about the showers, etc. However, I keep getting thrown in the mix. I am sorry if I mislead you with my OP.

ElisabethJoanne · June 2012

Your follow-up is not just red herrings, it's additional issues.

So, your salon charges a high price. I'd just tell them that the make-up appointments are at X time, and they need to be all ready at Y time. If they want their hair done professionally but for less, they can find another salon.

As for the parties, this is where my these-are-the-people-closest-to-you rule comes in. Yes, in general, when someone does something nice for you, like plan a party in your honor, you accept whatever it is with a smile. Example: When my church threw me a surprise party when I became a lawyer, I choked down the lemon-goo cake, though I hate lemon goo.

But if my mother is throwing me a party, she's going to want my input. Brushing off her questions or excited tales of plans would come across as ungrateful. Just because I can't make demands about the party doesn't mean I can't offer input when asked.

aerinpegadrak · June 2012

If you're requiring professional hair, you pay. Full stop. None of the other details you provided matter. If you can't afford to pay for everyone, then you give them the option to do their own hair.

bonge · June 2012

my hair is only gonna cost 35 at a salon. i would find a cheaper place.

bratto06 · June 2012

wow seems like alot of added stress that isnt founded...I think you should look up etiquette and tradtions when it comes to a wedding so you dont step out of line and ask something of some of your beloved BM so they dont start seeing your wedding as making them go broke...to alot of people 65 dollars is alot for a one day hairstyle

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-i-wrong-to-be-feeling-like-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0aed3e9c-05c8-40c3-bd6e-9603935ddf8ePost:5cc03a88-f55e-4d96-a232-fd7a4e4de076">Re: Am I wrong to be feeling like this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I wrong to be feeling like this? : None of this changes the fact that your BMs are not required to pay to have their hair professionally done. All you did was throw in a whole lot of other red herrings that distract but don't change the bottom line. And for the record, I've never in my life paid $65 for a hair styling (though it's not the most outrageous price I've heard). Heck, that is the same price as all but one of my tattoos, so there's no way I'd pay that much to stand up during someone else's ceremony and smile for some photos. And even if it weren't too much, I would not use an unknown stylist. I have had the same stylist for 10 years, and no one but him or I touch my hair, ever.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Lucky. I still get sticker shock every time I pull out my wallet at the salon out here.

vbandell · June 2012

i can feel for both you and the bridesmaids. Yes, that is a pretty expensive cost for getting an updo, but at the same time, when they said yes to being bridesmaids i feel that they should have been aware that there is a major cost factor when saying yes to being a bridesmaids.

From what is sounds, they seemed aware that they would be paying for their updos but the cost kind of shocked them a bit.

An idea I saw, if you are up to it, give them gift cards that would help bring the cost down for them. I know some people want to be there for you on your big day but sometimes money is hard on everyone and people cant afford $65 to get their hair done when it is only going to last a day.

From other post, this is your day, before I ask my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids I will make things clear with the cost of things that this is my one day and if they want to except being a bridesmaids they will be paying for the dress, shoes, hair and makeup. The cost for all of those in my area is about $300 total. But these things will be required as being a bridesmaids and I dont really think it is an unreasonable request. Again this is your day! And dont feel bad about your final decision just because of what others opinions on here are!

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-i-wrong-to-be-feeling-like-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0aed3e9c-05c8-40c3-bd6e-9603935ddf8ePost:3569af62-547d-4940-b652-eb75cd74e69f">Re: Am I wrong to be feeling like this?</a>:
[QUOTE]i can feel for both you and the bridesmaids. Yes, that is a pretty expensive cost for getting an updo, but at the same time, when they said yes to being bridesmaids i feel that they should have been aware that there is a major cost factor when saying yes to being a bridesmaids. From what is sounds, they seemed aware that they would be paying for their updos but the cost kind of shocked them a bit. An idea I saw, if you are up to it, give them gift cards that would help bring the cost down for them. I know some people want to be there for you on your big day but sometimes money is hard on everyone and people cant afford $65 to get their hair done when it is only going to last a day. From other post, this is your day, before I ask my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids I will make things clear with the cost of things that this is my one day and if they want to except being a bridesmaids they will be paying for the dress, shoes, hair and makeup. The cost for all of those in my area is about $300 total. But these things will be required as being a bridesmaids and I dont really think it is an unreasonable request. Again this is your day! And dont feel bad about your final decision just because of what others opinions on here are!
Posted by vbandell[/QUOTE]

Jesus. I feel sorry for any woman whom you grace with an invitation to be a BM - and if you care this little about people who mean the most to you, I feel sorry for your FI.

mbcdefg · June 2012

And their hairstyles affect your wedding ...how? If it's "just 65" then YOU pay for it. Otherwise STFU about how other people want to spend their money.

maryrickerson · June 2012

it sounds like you might be feeling like you aren't getting the support you expect from your bridesmaids as far as a financial contribution to your wedding. I am getting married in September, and even though I would prefer my girls all wear updos, at least one insists she looks bad with her hair up! So, I am letting it go. It sounds like maybe you should too.

I also want to note that I have stood up as MOH in two weddings and a bridesmaid in two more and in all four weddings I had to pay for my own hair--twice it was REQUIRED for me to get done, but the bride didn't offer to pay. It honestly didn't even occur to me that it was strange--everyone knows standing up in a wedding ends up being a financial commitment, and if you say yes to being in a wedding the smart thing is to budget and plan for some extra expense.

Lastly, I would like to know where all these women live who think $65 is expensive for a professionally done updo!!! Must be nice, I live in Chicago and those run $85+! Maybe I should move to where you are to save on wedding expenses

aerinpegadrak · June 2012

I'll never understand people who come here and say, "Well, people have always done this to me, so clearly it must be okay." Just because some people are okay with bowing to the bride's every whim because she's getting married doesn't mean everyone is, and that doesn't mean that it's the only way to do things. I decided that I didn't want to deal with any BM-related stress, so my only requirement of the girls was to find a black dress and keep the shoes to black or silver. I knew that none of them exactly had money to burn and they were all going to have to travel to the wedding, so I wanted to make things easier on them. For nearly all of them except the ones who chose to spend a little more on getting a new dress instead of wearing something they already had, being an attendant didn't cost much more than attending the wedding as a guest, and they were all supremely grateful for that.

Yes, they probably would have done anything I wanted, but what I wanted most was for them all to be happy and to enjoy the party, because I try to be a good friend and a good hostess. Sure, some things didn't turn out exactly as I pictured, but it didn't lessen my own enjoyment of the wedding one bit.

There's a reason the brides here advocate the low-expectation tactic: It worked for us. Our weddings turned out great with a minimum of stress (at least on that front), and our relationships with our friends came out unscathed. Most brides who treat their attendants as combination mannequin/ATMs can't say the same.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

Look, they are not contributing to neither the shower or the bachelorette party. You are already going to pay for their makeup. The least they can do is pay for their own hair when you're probably shelling out 20K+ for the entire wedding. It's even more likely that they aren't helping you plan anything either. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or feel that you owe the BMs even more than what you're already giving them. You're not rich either. Besides, you would most likely do the same for them. It's you and your fiance's wedding. Not theirs.

danij30 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-i-wrong-to-be-feeling-like-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0aed3e9c-05c8-40c3-bd6e-9603935ddf8ePost:65f138d9-d926-4c3c-a6f5-420b780e54a5">Re: Am I wrong to be feeling like this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Look, they are not contributing to neither the shower or the bachelorette party. You are already going to pay for their makeup. The least they can do is pay for their own hair when you're probably shelling out 20K+ for the entire wedding. It's even more likely that they aren't helping you plan anything either. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or feel that you owe the BMs even more than what you're already giving them. You're not rich either. Besides, you would most likely do the same for them. It's you and your fiance's wedding. Not theirs.
Posted by niabiaxxmoi[/QUOTE]

No. Just no. I'm only a lurker around the boards, but c'mon. That's disgusting advice. I had to speak up.

Bridesmaids pay for the dress, show up on the day and smile. That's it. Everything else is optional and it is not appropriate for the bride to begrudge them for choosing to opt out of the extras. It's especially gross for the bride to punish them for opting out of pre-wedding parties (as you are suggesting)!

These ladies are your friends. But if you treat them the way PP suggests, they won't be your friends for long.

Am I wrong to be feeling like this?

Re: Am I wrong to be feeling like this?

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