living together before...

marylynn.schmidt · October 2010

I am catholic and was worried about that too. My priest was ok with us living together. He said that lots of young couples are for financial reasons like you said. It was actually funny because her wanted to give us a pamphlet about living together and Christian commitment and he gave us the last one! He said he would have to order more! That made me feel good that I wasn't the only one living with my fiance before marriage! I guess it does depend on the Priest and the church but I tend to think that most are understanding.

AlisonM304 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_living-together-before?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6da70b17-434b-45dc-b63f-cb839798329aPost:e390133e-3f87-4d1f-a206-be212651ae61">Re: living together before...</a>:
[QUOTE]A Methodist minister will marry you, regardless of your living situation or church affiliation. When I was a church organist we seemed to specialize in Catholics and Baptists who were refused by their own church. WWJD?
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

I've been working at my Lutheran church as the music director for a few years now. We also seem to specialize in marrying people who were refused by their own church for living together (even other Lutheran churchs). Our stance is that sometimes it's just not possible to live separately, and as long as you're still being a good, moral person, it's okay.
Besides, it's not really my business what you're doing so long as it's not affecting me.

reason00 · October 2010

Everything is scandalous to Catholics...

How are you supposed to know you can tolerate someone unless you live with them? What if he does gross things like comb his pubes with your toothbrush?

adamandsarah2010 · October 2010

Be honest with him. He may have a problem with it, but there are a lot of priests who do not. My sister and my best friend both were married by a catholic priest, while living with their fiances. No problem.

adamandsarah2010 · October 2010

We talked to a marriage counselor about this... everyone says not to do it, but without any real reason or substance behind their claim. But does it make sense that if you live together before marriage and then still decide to get married that your relationship would suddenly fall apart??

If you drive a car without test driving it, it's no surprise if it breaks down in the first few years. Likewise, if you live together and work through you problems as they come up, you'll be in good shape on your wedding day and for many years to come.

We have lived with each other for 4 years and are finally getting married. We have friends who say "Oh, you don't know who she is until she's yours forever" or "oh, he's just putting up a helpful facade, and that'll all go away after the wedding".

This was so troubling to me that I asked our marriage counselor about it. My question was basically, "Why should we expect things to change? Do I have some sort of inner witch that is going to come out as soon as I say 'i do'? Does this happen??"

Our counselor agreed that it's crazy and total crap. If you have problems when you start living with him NOW, you would have the same problems after you are married. Decide what is best for you, take responsibility for your relationship, and continue to grow and nuture it, whatever the living situation might be.

I promise you one thing... If you are spending every night together, but don't live together, it's going to be more stressful as you continue planning. The whole, "I forgot that at my place" thing is a pain in the butt.

mklanich · October 2010

We had this problem when we first thought of using my fiance's church. We decided to go with the catholic church in town (I'm catholic). They were so much more willing to work with us. Our wedding is in four months. My fiance's church wanted us to live apart for the next four months, i said forget it!.
Depends on the church. Just be honest and stay true to yourselves.

DavidandDana · October 2010

My fiancee and I are currently in the same situation. Actually when I moved out with him we weren't engaged yet, and I was asked to leave my church. I went back and talked to my pastor about my decision and was able to return. We are christian, not catholic, so I'm not sure what your church's stand point is. A conversation with the priest will help put your mind to ease.

I moved in with my fiancee to make sure we could stand being around each other 24/7 before we married. Cause divorce is not an option for my family, whatever your reason, stand by your choice.

Dana

vns2974 · October 2010

Sounds like you're getting a lot of advice!

Everyone says all parishes and priests are different, and it is true.

Just keep in mind that in the end, it is between you and God. Whether you decide to "fib" to the priest and not tell him, or if you tell him, remember who it will ultimately be between.

Officially, the Catholic Church is against cohabitation before marriage, and some people TRULy have no choice but to cohabitate before marriage; some don't. In the end, it will only be God who knows the true reason- and what you tell the priest in order for him to marry you will not matter. It's not matter of being "modern" or "up to date with the latest trends" on the priest's part - it's simply part of Church teaching and it really is in the best interest of the couple. Statistically, couples who do not live together before marriage are less likely to divorce. Pray! God knows your intentions, and your heart.

brj520 · October 2010

I am sorry if this upsets or steps on anyone's toe's, but part of being a born again Christian is being willing to get comfortable being uncomfortable and willing to speak truth even if it hurts, because it is said out of love and not judgement, Jesus tells us that only our Father is to judge, however, He also commands us to flee from sexual immorality ... living together before marriage is just that, it is allowing yourself to take part in pleasure over being obedient to God. Sex is a beautiful thing designed by God the creator intended only for the marriage bed, anything outside of this is sinful and only feeding our flesh and sinful desires. I think you should take a look, a long hard examination of yourself and allow God to search your heart, put away your own desires, finances sure they might be tight but God provides, find a female friend or if you are involved in a church community who really should be helping and supporting you and holding you accountable ... there are plenty of females who are in need of short term roommates ... and if your priest does not insist on marrying you on the spot if you and your fiance are unwilling to change your living situation temporarily, then that priest is not leading according to God's will, because the Lord makes it very plain in His word regardless of what the world considers common place God tells us, “Do not

conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is, His good and pleasing and perfect will in any and every area of your life.” “God’s will for you is to abstain from sexual immorality." My pastor, taught a sermon on this topic recently and he pointed out, "There is this place for sex within the bonds of marriage, but there’s also a purpose for sex. It’s to be kept pure, meaning “no foreign elements,” so sex within the bonds of marriage is not to have any foreign element in it." Which would be living together before marriage. I encourage you to check out these sermons www.frontlinedc.com and search for it's complicated series. I am engaged and am very excited to marry my future husband, but we have set clear boundaries because our hearts belong to the Lord and we desire to be obedient to Him, we love each other dearly, but we love God more and desire to obey him so that He can fully bless our union in marriage together. We live separately and know that this is the right thing to do, don't look at the world as your compass, read God's word, go to a Biblically sound doctrine church with a strong community who is willing to hold you accountable as you build lasting and trusting relationships with them don't take my word .... just listen to God's way! I sincerely hope and pray you have a blessed marriage, but just remember you don't belong to your fiance, you belong to God, wait till your wedding night to resume living together, God will bless you for your obedience!

desiree.scuderi · October 2010

The Lord NEVER judged so if a priest told me he would not conduct our ceremony then i would flat out tell him where to go. Priet or no Priest, if he refuses then he obviosuly is not conducting the word of the lord but rather his own opinions.

AEbabe007 · October 2010

My fiance and I live together. I think it's a great way to tell whether you two can actually co-habitate together. You're right, traditionally, you aren't supposed to live together. Times have changed and more and more couples live together before marriage or never even get married. I think that if you live together first, you will have a less likely chance of divorce because you already know you really can stand each other and love each other. Now, I was married once before (that ended not because we couldn't live together, but rather he decided he didn't want children). We found a priest who would marry us. If you're catholic, you're chances are not good of finding one (I know this by experience), but there are other priests/pastors that are willing to overlook that detail. If you can't find one to marry you, keep searching. They're out there!

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