Young and Fast Engagement

Esander10 · April 2012

I am only 19, will be 20 in June, and my fiance is 24, will be 25 in May, and we just got engaged about a month ago. My family is not being supportive because they say I am too young, and on top of that, we got engaged pretty soon after we started dating. We have known each other since September but we have only been dating since January and our wedding is for January 2013. I know that it is fast but I knew within the first couple of days that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he felt the same. Most of my family, all my immediate family except my mom, is completely against us getting married so soon. But we don't see the point in waiting if we know that we are going to end up getting married anyways.
Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle my sisters and dad not supporting us? Or does anyone have any stories of a fast engageent they could share with me?

kaybee1987 · April 2012

Let me put a different spin on your "what's the point in waiting if we know we're going to be together anyways" attitude. Why NOT wait, if you know you're going to be together anyways? If it's going to happen, it's just as likely to happen in a few years as it is within one year. And, I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear, but just a different way to think about the same argument.

As far as a story, I have one from my own experience. I met a guy and we got married after 6 weeks. I was 19--young, immature, and downright stupid. My family didn't support me, but I went through with it anyways, because I knew we would be together anyways. Fast forward a few months, and I was being physically and emotionally abused. It took me two and a half years to break free and leave him. Fast forward again--it's three and a half years since I got away, and he is still harassing me and my family. One stupid mistake I made because I didn't give myself enough time to really think through a VERY important decision is coming back to bite me years later.

So, the point I'm trying to make is that it takes TIME to really KNOW someone--and that includes yourself. You've got some living and learning yet to do, so please, please give your relationship some time before you rush into something. A few months is not enough time to really know somebody; to know how you two are through stressful times; to know if you fight fairly; to know if you are on the same page with all the tough issues; to know if you can grow together.

And again--I know this is NOT what you are looking to hear, because it's exactly what I didn't want to hear. But please, at least give it some consideration to wait and slow down.

dragontrainer · April 2012

Completely agree with PP.

I thought the guy I was dating (for 2 years and previously knew him in HS) was the one when I was 19. Obviously it didn't end well. I was heartbroken but after some time, I couldn't believe that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

If you have to think about finances, how to raise children, careers, school and most importantly, people's habits. You don't know what it is like to live with him. He could do something that is your ultimate pet peeve. You don't know. Like PP said. If you know he is the one, then just have a long engagement.

Have him hang out with your family more and get to know him better. It can't hurt.

On the other side, my mom was 19 when she got engaged to my dad, 21 and then married a year later. They are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary this June. BUT they were extremely mature for their age. They were completely independent from their parents, paying for their own college education and living on their own.

jemmini6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-and-fast-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:5006a330-502c-4e7a-ae59-23492477dfecPost:0aaf3e47-aa35-46b9-ace2-3b662601a251">Young and Fast Engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]I am only 19, will be 20 in June, and my fiance is 24, will be 25 in May, and we just got engaged about a month ago. My family is not being supportive because they say I am too young, and on top of that, we got engaged pretty soon after we started dating. We have known each other since September but we have only been dating since January and our wedding is for January 2013. I know that it is fast but I knew within the first couple of days that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he felt the same. Most of my family, all my immediate family except my mom, is completely against us getting married so soon. But we don't see the point in waiting if we know that we are going to end up getting married anyways. <strong>Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle my sisters and dad not supporting us? Or does anyone have any stories of a fast engageent they could share with me?</strong>
Posted by Esander10[/QUOTE]

Listen to your family, I've never heard of a single successful marriage at that age, after such a short period of time...and I've heard A LOT of cases.

If you go through with it, you'll more than likely be back here in a few years giving the same story that the PPs are giving you "I was young and stupid, and there was no reason to rush". I'm not saying that just to be mean, but it's a statistical fact, young marriages have a VERY high fail rate, and add that to only knowing each other a few months, you are pretty much putting the nails in that coffin...

Bay21 · April 2012

I got engaged young (19), and had what some people would considera fast engagement just like you. But even though my fiance and I know we are going to be together forever, we are choosing to wait 3 years and 4 months before we get married. Why? Because it was the right thing to do. There is no logical/sane/good reason for us to rush into marriage. We love each other, yes, but we know we'll be together forever so we are putting the bigger things before that. AKA: We are in college and need the financial support of our parents to help us pay tuition. He has to live with his parents because his jobs out here (at our school) and mine are back in NJ, and we have to live with our parents separately for the time being and no-freaking-way are we going to get married and live apart.

There is a reason your family doesn't support you: it's because they love you, and you should listen to their concerns honestly. Neither of our families wants us married while we're in school and that's a-okay by us because we know that we are not ready to be independent: we cannot get jobs beyond minimum that would make us self-sufficient. And more than that, when we met and then got engaged two months later we were not ready for marriage: we'd never lived together, and could hardly afford a night out to dinner let alone tuition, rent, car insurance etc etc etc but knew that we would be one day.

So my advice to you as a fellow young and quick engagement person is, as the ladies have said, probably not what you want to hear but you should hear it from the voice of experience--> wait. If you guys want to get married now, you'll still be ready a few years from now. The wait may get tedious, I would know, but it is so very worth it.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

The divorce rate goes down significantly every year as the bride approaches and reaches 25. So there's a whole slew of stories for you, enough for statistical significance: getting engaged young is bad news. Whenever I hear about someone talking about getting married before 25, I always ask: why do you think that the statistics won't apply to you? Don't you think every other 20 yr old bride thought that they didn't apply to her? What do you gain from rushing?

I also got engaged at 19. It didn't work out. I don't have any stories about things going well, since all my friends were smarter than me and waited to get to know themselves and a few boyfriends before they settled down.

fjw2012 · April 2012

My fiance and I got engaged when we were both 19. The difference being we had dated for two years before that, and have now been engaged for nearly 5 years. If you know you love him and want to be with him forever, great, but you have plenty of time to get married. Right now just take the time to enjoy your engagement. Figure out how your are going to live on your own, support yourselves, finish school (if that is in your future), and then think about getting married. It will suck, trust me I know from experience, but in the end it will make your relationship stronger, and when the wedding comes around you will be able to appreciate it so much more since you have had to wait so long for it. Don't let your family get you down, they are just worried for you. Mine weren't terribly happy about us getting engaged so young either, but as time went on and they saw how much effort we were putting into becoming independent and our relatioship growing stronger they came to accept and love the idea of us being married.

Annas2013 · April 2012

My FI and I had a somewhat fast engagement. We got engaged in December, and I'm currently 19. We aren't getting married until next May though. Honestly if your family is against it, that's something you need to think about. In our case, both of our families are excited and supportive. I've seen people get married young and get divorced, but I've also seen people get married young and they're still together years later. I understand the statistic about getting married before 25, but it's common to get married young here. Also, just because you're over 25, doesn't mean the divorce rate is super low. It's about 50% even after 25.

Since your family is so against it, I'd say wait. It's not worth rushing into before you're done with school (at least undergrad). I have a FMIL that's suggested a few times we go to the courthouse and just go ahead and get married. Not going to happen. We're waiting until we graduate because it's the right thing for us to do.

becky659 · April 2012

There is absolutely no reason why a rational, younger couple can’t have a successful marriage if they are acutely aware of the real responsibilities that come with it. To say that such a marriage is almost a statistical impossibility is to reinforce and perpetuate the irresponsible mentality of our youth. It is to say that our young people cannot be trusted with a relationship as sacred as marriage, when there are many older adults who adulterate marriage in such shameful ways.

To be fair, though, marriages used to be based less on love and more on functionality. Many sociologists would argue that modern love-based marriages have led to the disenfranchising of marriage as an institution in general. Logically, the older a person gets in today’s society, the more they understand that marriages cannot survive on love and happy feelings alone. A younger person who has been coddled by their parents with no real responsibly is more likely, IMO, to head into a marriage thinking that they will be able to “work things out” without realizing exactly how difficult that can be. Yet, at any age, marriages based on momentary infatuation and/or the media's glamorization of marriage are definitely destined to fail.

So age isn't necessarily causation, but rather correlation.

OP, I know that you feel strongly about your FI, but a longer engagement period would likely benefit you in the long run. Because you met such a short time ago, there are many situations that you haven’t experienced with him. My FI and I got engaged after ten months together, but we had also been close friends for two years before that and we have waited two years from our engagement to marry.

I suggest that you sit down with your parents and address their concerns… parents who have had successful (and even unsuccessful) marriages are going to have some comments that might be hard to swallow, but they might be realistic considerations.

I would also suggest going to a local bank and developing a relationship with them. When you start a new household (or get out on your own in general), you really need a crystal clear understanding of credit scores, credit cards, loans, bank accounts and savings plans, as well as how you and your FI will merge and manage finances. When my FI and I decided to marry, we sat down with the role models in our lives and looked at their financial planning models, then adjusted to fit our needs as a couple.

Never forget expenses such as health insurance, car insurance, cell phone costs, rent, ect.

How does your FI feel about kids? What roles will you fulfill around your new home together? How will you split holidays? Does your FI have any deal-breaker qualities, like being chronically late, not supporting you in your dreams, etc? Will you be able to answer those questions with certainty at the end of your engagement?

Overall, there are many minute details that could chip away at the foundation of your relationship if you don’t address them realistically. OP, please, please make sure that you know your FI well enough to marry him before you make a choice that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Bay21 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-and-fast-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:5006a330-502c-4e7a-ae59-23492477dfecPost:c1b87f95-1627-4075-a52e-467bd001eba6">Re: Young and Fast Engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]There is absolutely no reason why a rational, younger couple can’t have a successful marriage if they are acutely aware of the real responsibilities that come with it. To say that such a marriage is almost a statistical impossibility is to reinforce and perpetuate the irresponsible mentality of our youth. It is to say that our young people cannot be trusted with a relationship as sacred as marriage, when there are many older adults who adulterate marriage in such shameful ways. To be fair, though, marriages used to be based less on love and more on functionality. Many sociologists would argue that modern love-based marriages have led to the disenfranchising of marriage as an institution in general. Logically, the older a person gets in today’s society, the more they understand that marriages cannot survive on love and happy feelings alone. A younger person who has been coddled by their parents with no real responsibly is more likely, IMO, to head into a marriage thinking that they will be able to “work things out” without realizing exactly how difficult that can be. <strong>Yet, at any age, marriages based on momentary infatuation and/or the media's glamorization of marriage are definitely destined to fail. So age isn't necessarily causation, but rather correlation. </strong> OP, I know that you feel strongly about your FI, but a longer engagement period would likely benefit you in the long run. Because you met such a short time ago, there are many situations that you haven’t experienced with him. My FI and I got engaged after ten months together, but we had also been close friends for two years before that and we have waited two years from our engagement to marry. <strong>I suggest that you sit down with your parents and address their concerns… parents who have had successful (and even unsuccessful) marriages are going to have some comments that might be hard to swallow, but they might be realistic considerations</strong>. I would also suggest going to a local bank and developing a relationship with them. When you start a new household (or get out on your own in general), you really need a crystal clear understanding of credit scores, credit cards, loans, bank accounts and savings plans, as well as how you and your FI will merge and manage finances. When my FI and I decided to marry, we sat down with the role models in our lives and looked at their financial planning models, then adjusted to fit our needs as a couple. <strong>Never forget expenses such as health insurance, car insurance, cell phone costs, rent, ect. </strong>How does your FI feel about kids? What roles will you fulfill around your new home together? How will you split holidays? Does your FI have any deal-breaker qualities, like being chronically late, not supporting you in your dreams, etc? Will you be able to answer those questions with certainty at the end of your engagement?<strong> Overall, there are many minute details that could chip away at the foundation of your relationship if you don’t address them realistically. OP, please, please make sure that you know your FI well enough to marry him before you make a choice that will stay with you for the rest of your life.</strong>
Posted by becky659[/QUOTE]

<div>I probably could have bolded this whole thing but I only choose a few of the key points I super agree with.</div><div>
</div><div>The big point, OP, that becky659 has made that is particularly important, that I tried to high light in my post, is money. Marriage means self-support financially and if you can't acheive that you should probably wait. I know somebody who is going to be married only a few days after she turns 20 after the typical year long engagement and that might seem fast and young to people but her fiance (of the same age, 20!) already has a salaried, steady, managerial job and can support himself and her easily while she finishes up her degree. In fact, they are paying for their own wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>I guess what we're all saying is that while you could get married quickly and possibly have a successful happy long marriage, if you and your fiance have everything sorted out for a self-sufficient life, but the advantages of waiting are too great to ignore....</div>

JaniV123 · April 2012

I am going to have to agrre with all PP. i am currently 20, i have been with my now FI for almos 5 years. We just got engaged like a month ago and we have set our wedding for 2015, aka 3 years from now because we both need to finish college, be able to support ourselves and just be a littlebit more amture. There is no need to rush. If you love each other what difference will it make to get marrie 3-4 years from now? You guys need to get to know each other in so many ways. The first year is almost perfect in every relationship, afterwards is that things begin to surface. Take some time, think about what you want in life, and enjoy tour relationship. Dont rush into this

DelBride2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-and-fast-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:5006a330-502c-4e7a-ae59-23492477dfecPost:1da8d8c1-033f-45f3-9269-706e1b9ffc03">Re: Young and Fast Engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I had a somewhat fast engagement. We got engaged in December, and I'm currently 19. We aren't getting married until next May though. Honestly if your family is against it, that's something you need to think about. In our case, both of our families are excited and supportive. I've seen people get married young and get divorced, but I've also seen people get married young and they're still together years later. I understand the statistic about getting married before 25, but it's common to get married young here. <strong>Also, just because you're over 25, doesn't mean the divorce rate is super low. It's about 50% even after 25. </strong> Since your family is so against it, I'd say wait. It's not worth rushing into before you're done with school (at least undergrad). I have a FMIL that's suggested a few times we go to the courthouse and just go ahead and get married. Not going to happen. We're waiting until we graduate because it's the right thing for us to do.
Posted by Annas2013[/QUOTE]
Whaaaat? No, it's not. For people with college educations, who waited til the bride was 25 to get married, it's much MUCH lower. closer to 20-25% depending on the study. Check yo' research, girlie. <div>
</div><div>I mean, if you just think about the math for a second, you have to know that's untrue. For it to be 50% on average, but for one group to have a higher rate, the other group must by definition have a lower rate. </div>

ravenray · April 2012

OP please listen to what your family is saying and the girls on here are saying. They have all said it better then I could have.

Annas2013 · April 2012

Let me rephrase myself then. Just because you wait until 25 does not mean there is no chance of divorce. No age has a zero divorce rate. It depends on the couple. Love isn't everything when it comes to marriage. It's not always going to be happy, you'll get angry, things will be hard sometimes. You have to be able to deal with that together in a mature way. I will admit there are a lot of younger people who aren't capable of that. But there are also people who are 30 and incapable of having a successful marriage.

The only reason I used those numbers is since 50% is what I've always seen as the average. That means if you say that the rate is higher for younger brides, then that would make the rate for them about 75%. If that's wrong, oops. I was just making a point that even with age, divorce is still a risk.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

That's true that divorce is always a risk, but if you can dramatically lessen your risk simply by being patient, why wouldn't you? What do you have to gain by rushing?

As for the statistics, the 50% divorce rate was the absolute peak, and it's been falling on average since that peak. My favorite paper on the subject, for the curious: http://isites.harvard.edu/fs/docs/icb.topic964076.files/rotz%2010-1-11.pdf

Annas2013 · April 2012

You have a good point. We all have our own reasons for waiting, or in some cases deciding not to wait. It's a personal decision.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

Also, as for the old stand by "it depends on the couple," it certainly does. But which couples can accurately predict in advance if they're the exception, or just the plain old rule? Doubtful that many people go into marriage predicting their own divorce, after all, so they must mostly believe themselves to be the exception. Sure, some marriages that begin at 20 are going to last forever, but it looks like they're likely to be in the minority if their marriage begins after 1980. The point being, you can only really know if you were the couple that was going to make it after you've been the couple who made it.

cwaggoner07 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-and-fast-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:5006a330-502c-4e7a-ae59-23492477dfecPost:1da8d8c1-033f-45f3-9269-706e1b9ffc03">Re: Young and Fast Engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I had a somewhat fast engagement. We got engaged in December, and I'm currently 19. We aren't getting married until next May though. Honestly if your family is against it, that's something you need to think about. In our case, both of our families are excited and supportive. I've seen people get married young and get divorced, but I've also seen people get married young and they're still together years later. I understand the statistic about getting married before 25, but<strong> it's common to get married young here</strong>. Also, just because you're over 25, doesn't mean the divorce rate is super low. It's about 50% even after 25. Since your family is so against it, I'd say wait. It's not worth rushing into before you're done with school (at least undergrad). I have a FMIL that's suggested a few times we go to the courthouse and just go ahead and get married. Not going to happen. We're waiting until we graduate because it's the right thing for us to do.
Posted by Annas2013[/QUOTE]

I think it's worth pointing out that the divorce rate in the south is quite a bit higher in the than in the north. Supposedly that is a direct result of the fact that the average age for first marriages in the south are lower by a couple of years compared to the north.

Jlfoster0427 · April 2012

Whats the big rush? If he wants to marry you now hopefully he wants to marry you later as well. Also Its been shown that for the first year your still in whats called the honeymoon phases of a relationship where everything is great most the time. Its when you come out of that and you relalize he leaves his cloths everwhere or never cleans up after himself that you will wish you had waited. This happend to me and I was glad we waited to get married cause we had time to really learn to accept each other and grow together.

catrb89 · April 2012

After only a few months of dating, you really haven't dealt with the trials of an adult relationship. You're still very much in a honeymoon period and of course things are going to be incredible! But when you can deal with some hardships, some disagreements, and still love that person unconditionally, then you've got yourself a keeper.
If you want your relationship to be taken seriously by other adults, you need to really act like one and pump the brakes. Be patient and really get to know the person you're marrying. You can't learn LESS about him, so things can only get stronger from here if it's meant to be.

Annas2013 · April 2012

There's always the chance that someone in a shorter relationship has been through hardships that someone in a longer relationship hasn't. I mean seriously. Someone in a relationship for a few months could have easily gone through a job loss, loss of a parent, or some other really big issue. I understand why so many people are against people getting married younger, and that's fine. But I just consider that there's a risk of divorce at any age, so it's not like waiting means you'll never get divorced.

catrb89 · April 2012

@Annas I understand where you're coming from on that. But in this case, the age combined with the like 2-3 months they've been together make it a particularly risky situation. Especially if their parents aren't supportive.
There's no harm in waiting, while there could be significant harm from rushing.

Annas2013 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-and-fast-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:5006a330-502c-4e7a-ae59-23492477dfecPost:3c629e80-acba-4051-a6a8-2ac55e682e18">Re: Young and Fast Engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]@Annas I understand where you're coming from on that. But in this case, the age combined with the like 2-3 months they've been together make it a particularly risky situation. Especially if their parents aren't supportive. There's no harm in waiting, while there could be significant harm from rushing.
Posted by catrb89[/QUOTE]

<div>I mean like I've said earlier, the parents not being supportive is a huge red flag. I feel like there may be more to the story than what we're being told though, so it kind of lends me towards this not being a good idea just from the non supportive family issue. My statement was in general for relationships, not necessarily this one. You do have a point though in that you do see more of a person's true colors when they have to handle difficult situations. And difficult situations test relationships in ways that they need to be tested to show they will last in a marriage.</div>

Bett2012 · April 2012

I'm 21, FI is 22, so we're young too, and students, but we've been together for 5 years and know that God wants us together. We are also saving ourselves for each other on our marriage night (no living together, no sleeping over, no kissing - though we did in the past and just found it too tempting to go further, etc). We are 100% confident in our marriage plans, even though we don't have it all together (house, retirement fund, full time jobs, etc)

I understand having a short dating/engagement when you're older - you know more of what you want and time's a tickin'

But I never understand a short (under a year) dating relationship when you're younger.. What's the rush? do you really know the person (it's one thing if you've known them as a friend for years or if you literally just met them). think carefully.

caitlinc09 · April 2012

FI and I are 21 and 22 as well, but we also dated for almost 3 years before we got engaged. Just take some more time - there's nothing wrong with a long engagement. I think you really need to get to know each other better. I am young also so age has nothing to do with it, it doesn't matter if you are 20 or 60. You need to date multiple years before you truly know someone in my opinion. I can understand you being frustrated with your family's reaction to the situation but you also need to think about the fact that they are worried about your well being. Good luck!

rsanna · April 2012

I too am a young bride, and my FI is not as old as your's is. However, we are both sophomores in college (20 yrs old) and right now our plan is to get married on our 2 year (dating) anniversary and we will have known each other for just shy by like a month for 4 years. We will have lived together for about 16-17 months by this comes around. However, the venue we have chosen and put our deposit down on is great. We have the flexibility to change our date without losing any money. This option was important to us in case we wanted to push our date back farther.

I would like to preface this by saying that only you can know your relationship. So only you can know what is best for it.

That said, people change a lot. I hear this all the time when people suggest that my FI and I should wait as well. I know this. I am not the same person I was the July after my senior year. I changed a lot during my freshman year and I am still changing. My FI is too. I actually met my FI (and he has said this too) that he has changed a lot since we met (just met, not dating). These are big things, and yes people will keep changing. My parents are still changing. But you need to know if you can handle that change and if those changes (even if they are hard) will be worth it. My FI and I confident that we can, and even if we don't get married on our current date, it won't make us in any less of a committed relationship.

That being said, even though we have currently been dating under a year (if people don't like to do math), and we are engaged but surprisingly none of our friends were shocked by this. My parents aren't even against this, even though they do wish we would wait a little longer. His family is against it, but that is something we are working through and most of that comes from the fact that his family doesn't really know him or me. If your personal support system - the people that know you best - are leery of the situation, it may be important to consider why, consider their reserves on it and whether you have the same ones and if those are things you should be considering. My FI and I are going to try and build a better relationship with his family so they are more comfortable with the situation.

The final thing is what you have gone through as a couple. My FI and I were extremely close friends before we started dating. Last year (around this time) I was going through some really tough times at my job (there was a guy that was sexually harassing me and the company refused to deal with him, and I can be super shy and anxious). Before we were even dating, or going out or anything he was there for me and protective and cared. He didn't have to be, but he was.

Flash forward to this summer and fall where we got even closer, and we continued to work through our individuals problems with each other. THis involved fighting and argueing. Before my bad job, I had some serious self-esteem and anxiety issues from high school, and that job brought it all back up. He worked through them with me. That is a serious thing and continued to do so once we actually started dating. There were days were I hated myself and hated being around people and he would listen and comfort and argue with me that I was worth it and I deserved friends. We have argued and fought and dealt with issues and solved problems together. That is an important aspect that if we hadn't have done, I would not be engaged. If I had not gone through this things with my FI, we wouldn't be engaged right now. I know that.

Again, only you can know your relationship and each one is different. But marriage is a big thing, yet it you should be committed without it. If you have gone through some big, serious issues, and have looked at the concerns those that are close to you have and have decided how valid or invalid they are based on your information, then maybe you are reading to get married. I don't know. Just try to keep an open mind.

I hope some of this helps, and I wish you the best of luck!

jwdds2013 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-and-fast-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:5006a330-502c-4e7a-ae59-23492477dfecPost:0aaf3e47-aa35-46b9-ace2-3b662601a251">Young and Fast Engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]I am only 19, will be 20 in June, and my fiance is 24, will be 25 in May, and we just got engaged about a month ago. My family is not being supportive because they say I am too young, and on top of that, we got engaged pretty soon after we started dating. We have known each other since September but we have only been dating since January and our wedding is for January 2013. I know that it is fast but I knew within the first couple of days that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he felt the same. Most of my family, all my immediate family except my mom, is completely against us getting married so soon. But we don't see the point in waiting if we know that we are going to end up getting married anyways. Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle my sisters and dad not supporting us? Or does anyone have any stories of a fast engageent they could share with me?
Posted by Esander10[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I had the fast engagement (I was 21) and marriage and well to be frank, in less than a year we were in the process of a divorce. We met in February, engaged in May, married in June. See the short timeline? So by the time I was 22, I was "divorced" and ashamed of it. That is not nearly enough time to settle into the normal relationship status and out of the "newly bliss dating" period that clouds your mind, heart and everything within that! I was thinking like you were. </div><div>
</div><div> If you think you will marry down the road, then wait and do it right. Dont rush into it. If it is meant to be, it will be. Being 30 now, I feel, looking back on all of those that told me I was too young and should have waited. Well, they were right. I think everyone changes and really discovers who they are and their path in life during their 20s and into their 30s as well. If you feel you nede to be together, date. Dont force the issue this young. Figure out who you are as a person first.</div><div>
</div><div>I wish you the best of luck either way you decide, but please make an intelligent, well thought through decision.

</div>

lhb2012 · April 2012

All these statistics are crazy. The bottom line is, do what feels right. I am a young bride as well. We met in 2009, thought we were meant to be, broke up 8 months later, and got back together within one month. Eventually, got engaged 1 year after the break up, and are waiting slightly over 2 years to get married. We live with eachother now to make sure it will work out. We met when we were 18 and will be getting married at 22.

Don't listen to statistics. Listen to yourself.

kellyt89 · May 2012

Please listen to the people in your life and wait.

This is called the honeymoon period. Feeling wonderful, happy, giddy, super-in-love is a biological and hormonal response that lasts anywhere from 9 months to a year and a half. Once the "glow" wears off you're in a different stage of the relationship and can really asses your compatibility - those little things that were so cute 3 months in might still be cute or they might be horribly annoying. You might see red flags that you didn't think about in the rose-colored glasses phase.

I'm not saying that this guy isn't the person you might someday marry but there is no logical reason to get engaged after less than 4 months. Get to know each other and each other's family and friends, go through some real life events together, see how both of you handle stress/conflict together and as individuals. If he's the one he'll be the one in a year or two or 5 and you can start thinking about getting married then, having a rock solid foundation to fall back on.

These are not just statistics they are people's real experiences.

CassidyLynne · May 2012

My cousin met his ex-wife a year ago next month. His ex-wife. They divorced sometime in the fall. They met in May, got married in June or July, and he cheated on her twice before she even met our family. He is 20. They posted on their facebooks time and time again "we love each other. Why wouldn't this work?"

My sister and brother-in-law met in 2006, a few months after she graduated from high school. They got married in November. There are very few couples I believe will last forever, and they are one of them. He is sort of the reason I fell for my finace, who has similar personality quirks.

Now, this being said, I got engaged at 21, and he is 23. I will be 23 for two days when we get married. I've known him for three and a half years now, though. We had a good chance at getting out of the honeymoon phase and we're awesome at dealing with any problem that comes up. That took time, though. After 3 months, I knew he was The One. We talked about marriage a lot. I know the feeling of "Why not now??" But he was right in making us wait for another two years, because now I'm in a place in my education where I can actually do it. He has a good job. We'll be fine!

I'm young, we waited, and I don't know if we'll last forever. No one does. But I'm all in favor of waiting.

ginadog · May 2012

"But we don't see the point in waiting if we know that we are going to end up getting married anyways."

Because it's always a GREAT idea to make sure that Mr. Wonderful that you are witnessing is still Mr. Wonderful through at least a few years/seasons/life events. Everyone looks great in the beginning. Now let's see if he's still just as wonderful after 3 years of dating.

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