My Mother-In-Law Disapproves

StefE1028 · September 2010

I hate when people do that to me, so i can relate to how you feel. My fiance and I are going to have an outdoor wedding on the river landing in the middle of august and everyone keeps telling us that it is going to be a bad idea because of the possibility of rain and other mishaps. I just was calm about it and told them that it is my wedding and that im the one paying for everything. I also told them that their input is greatly appriciated but told where and how my wedding should be is unacceptable and wont be tolerated and that if they think that having the ceremony outside is a bad idea due to the possibility of rain then they dont have to come to the ceremony and only come to the reception if they would like, although it would be a bummer. But dont let people including your FMIL to dictate how your wedding should be. The way I see it is that she already got married and had her wedding the way that she wanted it and if you want your weddidng to be classy then so be it because it is YOUR day, YOUR wedding and YOUR life and you do it how you want.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

I agree with the above comments. You are paying, have the day you want.

Unfortunately, you are getting practice for what may be your future with your FMIL. It sounds like she's in a bit of a power struggle with you, which may be all in her head. She will probably criticize how you raise your child, keep your home, etc. My sister's MIL was like that, but over time, she relaxed quite a bit, and now they have a good relationship. It took time, and a lot of patience and will from my sister, but it can change.

The best that you can do is treat your FMIL with polite respect and patience, but don't back down from what you really want. If you do, you may be setting the tone for future disagreements and you don't want to sacrifice your happiness by letting her win all the battles.

Best of luck, and regardless of china or paper plates, your wedding will be wonderful!

semicolon · September 2010

To all the people that asked me how much are spending, what we are doing, etc...that would have opportunity to critisize I have answered:

"Our wedding is a celebration of us becoming a married couple and it is the largest party I'm ever going to have the priviledge of throwing. Although there are always ways to cut corners, we have decided on a modest celebration and we can't wait to suprise you, on our day, with the details."

ALSO, unless FMIL is paying, she doesn't even need to know...my FMILs (two of them) are completely disjointed from the process and have no hand in our wedding day.

You can also make a contrasting statements, but I would advise against them becuase they'll provoke FMIL more. i.e.-"Well, we're getting married in the backyard, so I want china." 'Cause then FMIL can start back in.

Keep it vague, keep it distant. Maybe giving her a project so she doesn't feel so left-out of her sons' life?

i.e.- Helping assemble wedding favors, picking up things from your vendors, etc...

cellarius · September 2010

ugh. how annoying. none of her business. end of story. do what you want don't even consult her.

swarren27 · September 2010

Perhaps ajroark is not having a backyard BBQ and paper plates just won't cut it? Whom's judging whom here?

clareh · September 2010

As much as her approach is wrong, you can also get disposeable plates that look like exactly like china as well. And they're plastic so they won't crumble like paper plates either.
Chinet makes them.
Cheaper than renting.
(Just an option u can consider.)
Good luck to you.

metallicashley · September 2010

We are considering having three bands and no decorations or flowers because we already have a funky venue and it just isn't very important to us. Each couple has their own priorities about spending. If you really want quality china, that's fine! And perhaps in your opinion, paper plates are tacky. That's fine too, acknowledging that someone else might have the wedding of their dreams with paper plates included. Life is a wonderfully diverse creature where we all can be so different and happy.

One option: Stay classy. "I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope you still enjoy the wedding as much as we will." Kill her with kindness.

Another option: Don't expect her to change. Just work with how she is and if necessary, ask your FI to discretely address it.

munsterchick · September 2010

"I appreciate that feedback as I hadn't thought of it that way - thank you! I will definitely think on it some more."

This is a great line from courtney I agree completely USE IT!!!!! When I read your post the first thing I thought was OMG She is going through the same as me. My FMIL waited untl after we booked our venue to tell my FI that she thought it was too expensive (we are getting married overseas and had seen the venue a few times while we were there and it took us a few days with discussions with my parents and her before we decided on it).
We are paying for our wedding not her.
To make a long story short at present we are barely talking she was going to host our engagement party and she chucked a wobbly over something so we went ahead and hosted our own and paid for it as it was already booked and invitations had gone out. My FI is as frustrated as I am so we have agreed to "nod smile ad agree " and then just do our own thing anyway!!!!

At the end of the day it is your and your fiances wedding and you have decided you want to spend the rest of your lives together. Do what you want and remember its the marriage the counts in the end not what type of plates you have.

thedeadrabbit · September 2010

She is a mother, and she is trying to look out for you guys, no matter how misguided. She may have not grown uip with any money, just like spedning anything over a couple hundred on a wedding dress seems monsterous to me, but then to others it's the other way around. Sit down, talk to her, with your FI and explain: that even if you are spending that much, it's completely within you're budget, and while you understand where she is coming from (this is a very important step, it validates her concerns) you would rather rent china. If she's still upset, ask her if she thinks you can find a happy medium, like her finding a cheaper place to rent china with a patern you like, or maybe putting enough china on the registry for your bridal shower to cover how many guests are going to be there, or maybe, (they do exsist) there is plastic wear that looks like china, holds up way better than paper plate, and can be used to start conversation.
Random guest: "Oh, wow, wait, this is plastic? I could've swon it was china. This is plastic, how cool is that?"
Other random guest: "That's really neat, I thought it was china as well..."
Ice breaker.

Over all, people's backgrounds shape the way they see the world, and if you make the effort to understand and compromise, or at least let them feel as though you are seriously considering their opinions, you can begin a long lasting healthy relationship with those around you, ecspecially those who are going to be in your life for quite a time to come.

Good luck. ^.^

LacyLoo777 · September 2010

I think you should to whay you and your fiance want to do ! Its your day and your only going to have it once. Dont cave in to her ideas because 10, 15, 20 years from not you will look back and think i wish i would have stuck to my idea. She already had her day this is yours !

TiaMatthew · September 2010

She is not paying you are. And it's you and your FI's day. You should decide together. BTW, someone should tell your MIL that paper plates at a wedding is a bit trashy.

ekoeppe · September 2010

Remember this is YOUR day... I'm sorry you're going through this, my MIL is a pain too! You only get married once and it needs to be how you envision it. Just think of it as preparation for when you have kids one day...you'll know to let them have the wedding of their dreams, because that's what you are hoping for. Try not to let her get to you, enjoy the planning process. Tell your fiance to step up and have a talk with her...it doesn't need to be confrontational or nasty. GOOD LUCK!

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