Wedding Etiquette Forum

+1 Etiquette

So my Fiancee and I calculated our guest list a couple weeks ago and rang in around 125-- perfect! So when I've been pricing venues and everything else that's the number I've been using. One problem-- last night I realized we forgot to include +1's for our friends. Ideally I wanted to include +1s for everyone, but our budget is very limited-- would it be rude to give +1s only to those only in serious relationships? Appreciate all honest responses-- thank you!!

Re: +1 Etiquette

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:48cf5aa2-1cdd-4b21-ba7c-5532f06e5903Post:ac678d03-b4e3-4be2-b86f-453ea3bd2140">Re: +1 Etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]Anyone in a relationship should have their SO invited by name. These don't count as plus ones, couples must always be invited together. Don't try to determine the "seriousness" of your friends' relationships, if they consider themselves a couple, they get invite together. Single people don't need to be given a plus one.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    This.

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto Lia. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:48cf5aa2-1cdd-4b21-ba7c-5532f06e5903Post:ac678d03-b4e3-4be2-b86f-453ea3bd2140">Re: +1 Etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]Anyone in a relationship should have their SO invited by name. These don't count as plus ones, couples must always be invited together. Don't try to determine the "seriousness" of your friends' relationships, if they consider themselves a couple, they get invite together. Single people don't need to be given a plus one.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]


    This exactly.

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Since you are so far out ould give everyone a +plus one on paper.    Between now and they it's possible for people to be a relationship or even married by then.      Then when the time comes and they are not in a relationship you don't have to invite them with one.   However, if they are, you are covered space and budget wise.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:48cf5aa2-1cdd-4b21-ba7c-5532f06e5903Post:ac678d03-b4e3-4be2-b86f-453ea3bd2140">Re: +1 Etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Anyone in a relationship should have their SO invited by name.</strong> These don't count as plus ones, couples must always be invited together. Don't try to determine the "seriousness" of your friends' relationships, if they consider themselves a couple, they get invite together. Single people don't need to be given a plus one.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Ugh. My FMIL has gorgeous calligraphy handwriting so I gave her our guest list, which included all of our friends with their SO listed by name, and she went through and asked me which ones are engaged.. none of them. And she said I have to put "and guest" I politely explained to her that I am not doing that because if they and their SO break up before them it gives them permission to bring anyone they want, and I'm not extending +1s to everybody who's single.</div><div>
    </div><div> If I see that she wrote "and guest" for any of our friends whose SO I know, I will decline her offer of writing out the names and addresses. Funny though, because my FI cousin has a girlfriend who FMIL insisted be addressed by name and when I asked why the rule excluded them she said "well I just know they're getting married eventually".. she's even bought a dress for their "wedding", when they aren't even engaged yet, besides the point, but strange...</div><div>
    </div><div>Point being I think it's nice to include SO by name and don't understand why people insist on writing "and guest" when they know who is coming with them

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:48cf5aa2-1cdd-4b21-ba7c-5532f06e5903Post:650cac54-2137-429c-9dcd-f0f58929b447">+1 Etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my Fiancee and I calculated our guest list a couple weeks ago and rang in around 125-- perfect! So when I've been pricing venues and everything else that's the number I've been using. One problem-- last night I realized we forgot to include +1's for our friends. Ideally I wanted to include +1s for everyone, but our budget is very limited-- would it be rude to give +1s only to those only in serious relationships? Appreciate all honest responses-- thank you!!
    Posted by futuremrswoodzy[/QUOTE]
    The only problem with that is, what defines "serious?" It's subjective.
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    [QUOTE]In Response to +1 Etiquette :<strong> The only problem with that is, what defines "serious?" It's subjective.</strong>
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    Definitely this. Budget as though almost every single guest will have a plus-one. If they are in a relationship by the time that the invites go out, invite that person by name. If they are not in a relationship by the time the invites go out, you won't need to extend the offer if you don't want to (If you do for some, please do so in circles). I think that any new relationship that blossoms after the  invites are gone out don't necessarily need to have the +1 extended, but if they bring it up to you, do try to accomodate them.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:48cf5aa2-1cdd-4b21-ba7c-5532f06e5903Post:70f48bfd-d98d-4eee-8c47-4e1bb6ec2655">Re: +1 Etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1 Etiquette : IMO, it would be anyone who isn't a "<strong>flavor of the week/month.</strong>" Casually dating =/= relationship. I think as long as you invite all SO's you're good. But the idea of giving everyone a +1 on paper in case they do get into a relationship is a good idea.
    Posted by laurelrenee1[/QUOTE]

    See, this is hard to judge. If they are only a FOTW the guest will probably be in a transition period, or will break up with their FOTW by the time the wedding comes. If that FOTW is invited by name, it's the host's right to refuse a substitute - it's a sneaky E-loophole for people like that
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    We can debate all day on this subject. 

     However, it doesn't change the fact that the OP isn't getting married until May 17, 2014.  In theory everyone of her 'single' guests could be married, engaged or living with someone by then.    

    Short answer is she needs to plan on that for budget and space reasons now.   



    FWIW- we gave everyone a plus one.   I wanted my guests happy.  I didn't care who the guests was.  Heck they could have been a hired for all I cared.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:48cf5aa2-1cdd-4b21-ba7c-5532f06e5903Post:e168b9ae-e724-45d9-94aa-72f33792035e">Re: +1 Etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]   FWIW- we gave everyone a plus one.   I wanted my guests happy.  I didn't care who the guests was.  Heck they could have been a hired for all I cared.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    <div>I felt the same way!</div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Thank you for all your responses. I truly wish I could give everyone a +1, but we just can't afford that.

    By "serious" relationship, I simply meant that they're dating-- not necessarily just engaged or living together. And not some random person they hooked up with a week ago lol (which could very well be the case for many of our friends).

    You guys bring up really good points and I plan on using that logic when it comes to my invites. I just want to have an idea of the guest number now before we book a venue. Thanks again!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:48cf5aa2-1cdd-4b21-ba7c-5532f06e5903Post:97dac9a5-9277-4726-bdfa-5f3aebd5911d">Re: +1 Etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for all your responses. I truly wish I could give everyone a +1, but we just can't afford that. By "serious" relationship, I simply meant that they're dating-- not necessarily just engaged or living together. And not some random person they hooked up with a week ago lol (which could very well be the case for many of our friends). You guys bring up really good points and I plan on using that logic when it comes to my invites. I just want to have an idea of the guest number now before we book a venue. Thanks again!
    Posted by futuremrswoodzy[/QUOTE]

    I would recommend you make your preliminary lists and set them in order of priorities....making an A & B list is fine when you are planning as long as you don't send out a second round of invites.  So make your must have list of family and those friends that you couldn't imagine not being there.  If that list includes single friends/family, tack on a +1 as a placeholder.  Make sure list A doesn't have more than your 125 count.  Then make your B list of people that you could invite if the space and budget allows.  As your invitation sendout date approaches, then use the advice above and determine who is in a relationship and who truly isn't and whether you want to give them a +1.  If you still have a few spaces to 125, then you can go to your B list to see who you can extend the invite to (at the same time as all other invitations).  I do want to say you are doing the right thing to think all of this through before commiting to a venue.  Too often people realize after that they want to invite more than they accounted for originally.  Good luck!

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  • I should really start looking at peoples' profiles more often.

    Yeah, a lot can change in a year. Either come up with a plan to save the extra money for those +1's, switch the venue, or pare down your list to include +1's. With 125 guests total, I can't imagine that there are a crazy amount of people who would need a +1 based on your current distinction... is there?

    In the end, you can just use the money you over-shot with for something else - better alcohol, flowers, favors, honeymoon, you name it!
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    [QUOTE]So my Fiancee and I calculated our guest list a couple weeks ago and rang in around 125-- perfect! So when I've been pricing venues and everything else that's the number I've been using. One problem-- last night I realized we forgot to include +1's for our friends. Ideally I wanted to include +1s for everyone, but our budget is very limited-- would it be rude to give +1s only to those only in serious relationships? Appreciate all honest responses-- thank you!!
    Posted by futuremrswoodzy[/QUOTE]

    For numbers purposes I added +1 to everyone that could potentially be in a relationship at the time invitations go out - which really is all of your single people...
    That would should every person end up with a SO at the time of the wedding your venue will be large enough to hold everyone

    If the time for initations comes and those people are not actually in a relationship then you do not need to invite a +1 for them.

    you don't want to not include the +1 when looking at a venue and then not have enough room when the time comes for the wedding because everyone has gotten into relationships. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:48cf5aa2-1cdd-4b21-ba7c-5532f06e5903Post:cc785a42-e279-4f5e-b81d-b90efbc38ba5">Re: +1 Etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]The leading etiquette books say that spouses, fiances and (some) say live-in or long term relationships.  This is a "knot board" rule that every bf/gf must be invited.  It is nice to give everyone a plus one, but not required by standard etiquette.  I would consider, can you put singles at a table with other singles/friends their own age. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
    This
  • Yeah this is a tricky part of planning that far in advance.  Especially if you are at that magical yage when suddenly everyone gets married within 2 years, you need to assume that by 2014 many if not most of your single guests will not be single.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:48cf5aa2-1cdd-4b21-ba7c-5532f06e5903Post:cc785a42-e279-4f5e-b81d-b90efbc38ba5">Re: +1 Etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]The leading etiquette books say that spouses, fiances and (some) say live-in or long term relationships.  This is a "knot board" rule that every bf/gf must be invited.  It is nice to give everyone a plus one, but not required by standard etiquette.  I would consider, can you put singles at a table with other singles/friends their own age. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's all well in good, but are you actually saying that the OP's guest list be locked down 16 months out?   GF/BF, heck even Flavor-of-the-months this week can become FI or Spouses next week, or next month or even next year.   </div><div>
    </div><div>It's 100% in her best interest for her to think that all of her 'single' guests will be in a 'serious' relationship or this time next year she is going to be stressed out because all of her "flavor of the month' people are actually engaged and she doesn't know what to do.   Next March she can figure out who is really in a relationship.</div><div>
    </div><div>And I find it absolutely insulting to put all the single people at one table.</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I'd say that if you have limited +1's it would be anyone in a relationship.. and you can't sort them into "serious" and "not serious"... It could cause some sticky situations.  
    And... its way too soon to figure them out now.

    We're giving everyone a plus one but we're not having a huge wedding.  We have very few people besides relatives invited so it won't be a huge deal.  At this point it will be better if they all bring a guest because we have a minimum at our venue for extra "perks".

    My fiance was recently invited to a wedding and I was not... I didn't care for the people but I was insulted all the same.  It felt like a "we hope you don't last" message.
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  • Thank you everyone for your advice! It is much appreciated. :)
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