NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?

emeejeeayen · November 2012

I started to collect addresses today for save the dates, and once I got done making sure I had correct info for best friends I sort of froze. It's like I'm worried people I consider friends but not BEST friends will be insulted that I'm inviting them. I don't know WHY I would think that (intellectually I know that isn't true), but I'm feeling SO weird about it. It's like I feel stuck between being worried someone will be insulted by the lack of invite or be insulted that I am inviting them because we're (unbenounced to me) not that close? When I write it out, it sounds stupid. I'm aware of that.

Can someone talk me down? Ha.

And to make this more entertaining: what makes you side eye a wedding invite? What makes it feel like a gift grab? (Aside from obvious b-listing, etc.) Bonus points for funny anecdotes.

thurmanpowell · November 2012

I only side eye an invite if it arrives super late or has weird instructions or something on it.

For what it's worth, I fel the same way about inviting people I'm not super close with. I just invited people who I'd like to see and keep in contact with, even if we haven't been that close recently. Hopefully, they feel the same way, if not, it's no biggie they won't come.

coopsbaby · November 2012

I've never been insulted beacause someone sent me an invite if we're not close unless it is super late, facebook only, etc and looks like B-listing. Honestly, I'd take it as a compliment that they want us there for their wedding. I definitely think you're overthinking this! If you'd like them there, invite them!

bunni727 · November 2012

I felt weird about it, but I would rather the misconception, if there has to be one, be that we wanted them there for the wrong reasons, rather than to think we didn't want them there at all, if that makes any sense.

I just got an "Jane and John are Eloping" facebook invite. It told the wedding date, that no one was actually invited, but listed the address for where to send gifts. It was sent to 250+ people, but left open so anyone can join.

emeejeeayen · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:9c35871d-4188-4051-9337-20eae0889790">Re: NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I felt weird about it, but I would rather the misconception, if there has to be one, be that we wanted them there for the wrong reasons, rather than to think we didn't want them there at all, if that makes any sense. I just got an "Jane and John are Eloping" facebook invite. It told the wedding date, that no one was actually invited, but listed the address for where to send gifts. It was sent to 250+ people, but left open so anyone can join.
Posted by bunni727[/QUOTE]

<div>Bahaha what the what? Why would someone do that! </div>

zizibet · November 2012

We got one awhile back for a family member that had xeroxed paper slips in the wedding colors with clip art that read where the couple was registered. Bonus:The word "registered" was misspelled.
I think people will be happy to be invited emee.

TiffanyT816 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:9c35871d-4188-4051-9337-20eae0889790">Re: NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I felt weird about it, but I would rather the misconception, if there has to be one, be that we wanted them there for the wrong reasons, rather than to think we didn't want them there at all, if that makes any sense. I just got an "Jane and John are Eloping" facebook invite. <strong>It told the wedding date, that no one was actually invited, but listed the address for where to send gifts. It was sent to 250+ people, but left open so anyone can join.
</strong>Posted by bunni727[/QUOTE]

Are you serious? That is insane. Who thinks this stuff is OK??

beardownbchs · November 2012

I was invited to a wedding for an elementary school friend of mine. We literally have not even spoken since middle school except to maybe say "hi" in the halls at high school. I was very flattered that she would invite me and didn't see it as gift-grabby at all. FI and I had a lot of fun at the wedding and I was happy we went. But the invite to the shower from her mom seemed to be a bit much. I didn't go to that.

Inviting everyone and their brother to a BBQ or the shower (I know it's not up to you who is invited to the shower...) seems gift-grabby to me but the wedding itself - I don't ever see it as gift-grabby. Yes, I always try to pay for my plate with the gift but honestly I don't include the cost of the open bar (which I totally take advantage of

) or the favors or any of that other stuff so it's still costing them money to have me there.

Sorry my anecdote isn't funny.

emeejeeayen · November 2012

You guys are making me feel better

Thank you!

bunni727 · November 2012

Yep. It was klassy.

zantster · November 2012

I've gotten one from someone who not only was I never really close to (though we were childhood playmates because our moms were friends), but who I also didn't care for very much at all as an adult and as far as I could tell the feeling was mutual. I definitely saw that as gift grabby. Because why would you invite someone you don't really like?! Plus she'd taken my kindness for weakness before. I'd given her some baby gifts for her first child and when he was born she had the gall to ask me to babysit for her for free every week while I was pursuing my masters degree and living with roommates on campus! I kindly declined due to other obligations. But in my head I was like "This b*&^% is crazy!" But if there's no ill will then the most I've felt is that I haven't been motivated to go or spend money if the person is extremely distant. But I haven't side-eyed it.

ksblumb · November 2012

We we're invited to a wedding over the summer of a friend from middle school with this process...

5ish months out - Facebook invite for STD asking for people's addresses so the invitations could be sent. It was sent to over 400 people...
The next week we got another Facebook invite to contribute to their dream wedding through an online donation fund they had set-up. With a long sob story about how their life is one bad thing after another and they just want this one night...
Followed by invties (atleast they were paper and in the mail) for their engagement party (a little late, huh?), her bridal shower, and then her bachelorette party...
By the time we got the wedding invite we were so over the whole thing.

SJM7538 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:b0c88952-f370-4e39-8bcf-bdcc776668de">Re: NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>An announcement that there will be a "money tree." Instant decline.
</strong>Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Was this actually in the invitation? If so WOW!

emeejeeayen · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:dc1247c1-7634-449f-b6a2-c74267ac8fe8">Re: NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]We we're invited to a wedding over the summer of a friend from middle school with this process... 5ish months out - Facebook invite for STD asking for people's addresses so the invitations could be sent. It was sent to over 400 people... The next week we got another Facebook invite to contribute to their dream wedding through an online donation fund they had set-up. With a long sob story about how their life is one bad thing after another and they just want this one night... Followed by invties (atleast they were paper and in the mail) for their engagement party (a little late, huh?), her bridal shower, and then her bachelorette party... By the time we got the wedding invite we were so over the whole thing.
Posted by ksblumb[/QUOTE]

<div>HOLY ISHT!</div>

emeejeeayen · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:b021bce1-836f-4425-bc86-88402e01f0bf">Re:NER what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NER what makes you side eye a wedding invite?: Forgive my ignorance but I'm really curious. What's a money tree?
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

<div>I had to google. It's horrible.</div>

Peledreamsofrain · November 2012

Hrm, worst invite I've ever gotten... Gotta be my cousin's destination cruise wedding. The invite included inserts for gift registries, and I was clearly a blist invite. To make matters worse, a lot of pressure was circulated in the family to attend becauss if they could get enough rooms booked, they cruised free. Not to mention the pressure to have family pay for the grandparents to attend, because they couldn't afford to.

emeejeeayen · November 2012

http://weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Wedding_Money_Tree

SJM7538 · November 2012

We did a money tree for my cousin at her bridal shower. And when I see we did this for her shower I mean the BMS made one and put money on it for her instead of putting cash in card or getting her a gift.

I would never ever put one out at a wedding or any event for that matter.

TheBuffster · November 2012

My best friend's shower AND wedding invitations included cards with their registry information on them. I know her well and have always known she IS a fan of free stuff so I just rolled my eyes and let it go.

beardownbchs · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:af7cb61a-b724-45d0-9793-7da45fc251fd">Re: NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]<a href="http://weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Wedding_Money_Tree" rel="nofollow">http://weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Wedding_Money_Tree</a>
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Yay! According to this I can have one since I'm having a DW!! (eye roll)</div>

emeejeeayen · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:1f96e3c1-be7f-44bc-8e2b-5080afcfc0fc">Re: NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite? : Yay! According to this I can have one since I'm having a DW!! (eye roll)
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

<div>hahahahahaha because gifts would be too bulky</div>

beardownbchs · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:2081c36a-c014-4952-bfb0-e0114303dddb">Re:NER what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I never side eye a wedding invite, but I side eye the helll out of shower invites for people I'm not close to.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>Yesssss. And verbal, "Hey let me know if you wanna go to shower for friend of friend and I'll make sure <em>she </em>sends you an invite". </div>

jszmerga · November 2012

I'm having the same fears, I moved several states away last summer and I feel like its a weird transition of who am I going to keep in touch with from back home and who will I never see again. There were 2 people I was planning on inviting but was really hesitant about. When I sent everyone messages on facebook asking for addresses these two people never responded, I took it as a subtle hint that they would not want to attend and chose not to invite them. It might not be proper etiquette but I didn't want to push it and possibly put them in an awkward position of having to tell me they don't want an invite.

Worst gift grab I've seen.

I got a shower invite for a shower for a former coworker who I hated, the feeling was mutual. She invited several other former coworkers who didn't like her either. None of us had spoken to her in 2 years or were ever facebook friends with her. I checked her registry to see when her wedding was and it was about a month after I got the shower invite so clearly I wasn't invited to the wedding (and neither were any other coworkers invited to the shower). I sent her a card (cheapest one I could find) with nothing in it but my "best wishes" and apologies for not attending the shower because I moved.

[Deleted User] · November 2012

I feel the SAME EXACT WAY about two people on my list. They are friends of friends, although we are friendly. It felt weird to exclude them from the circle. Both are extremly OOT, so I don't know. I feel like they would be like "buy a plane ticket? WHAT? No."

emeejeeayen · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:41896605-cc72-4a82-9f05-010dcccc2644">Re: NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having the same fears, I moved several states away last summer and I feel like its a weird transition of who am I going to keep in touch with from back home and who will I never see again. There were 2 people I was planning on inviting but was really hesitant about. When I sent everyone messages on facebook asking for addresses these two people never responded, I took it as a subtle hint that they would not want to attend and chose not to invite them. It might not be proper etiquette but I didn't want to push it and possibly put them in an awkward position of having to tell me they don't want an invite. Worst gift grab I've seen. I got a shower invite for a shower for a former coworker who I hated, the feeling was mutual. She invited several other former coworkers who didn't like her either. None of us had spoken to her in 2 years or were ever facebook friends with her. I checked her registry to see when her wedding was and it was about a month after I got the shower invite so clearly I wasn't invited to the wedding (and neither were any other coworkers invited to the shower). I sent her a card (cheapest one I could find) with nothing in it but my "best wishes" and apologies for not attending the shower because I moved.
Posted by jszmerga[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ditto! I've basically gone back and forthe between NYC and San Francisco for the past 6 or 7 years, so it's gotten complicated to see people as often as I'd like. And now we live in DC so it's even more complicated. Then I freak out wondering if new friendships are too new to ask them to come to our wedding since it's in CA. Sigh. lol.

</div>

livnsamsmama · November 2012

I felt a little weird putting some people on the invite list too. There are some people I feel close to, even if we don't talk or see each other much anymore. I just hope they feel the same way, but I don't think they'll be offended to be invited.

By far the rudest invite I have ever received was to a "card shower" via mail. My cousin and his wife were having a very small destination wedding. They didn't even invite his mother, because they "couldn't invite her husband, and knew she wouldn't come alone", but that's beside the point. I received an invite from her parents to send a card with well wishes and a monetary gift on a certain date, to replace hosting a shower. The invitation actually said to include money. TA shameless gift grab. I had never even met the bride, and still haven't (3 years later), and just received an invite to her baby shower. At least this is an actual party, I guess.

emeejeeayen · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-what-makes-you-side-eye-a-wedding-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a77d942-479b-439a-aa26-00c915a14c82Post:b15a3508-50bb-4331-9045-7adfdbafc63a">Re: NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I felt a little weird putting some people on the invite list too. There are some people I feel close to, even if we don't talk or see each other much anymore. I just hope they feel the same way, but I don't think they'll be offended to be invited. By far the rudest invite I have ever received was to a "card shower" via mail. My cousin and his wife were having a very small destination wedding. They didn't even invite his mother, because they "couldn't invite her husband, and knew she wouldn't come alone", but that's beside the point. I received an invite from her parents to send a card with well wishes and a monetary gift on a certain date, to replace hosting a shower. The invitation actually said to include money. TA shameless gift grab. I had never even met the bride, and still haven't (3 years later), and just received an invite to her baby shower. At least this is an actual party, I guess.
Posted by livnsamsmama[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is shocking

</div>

jennylee813 · November 2012

Worst thing I've seen on an invite:

GREENBACK ONLY

WTF???

libby2483 · November 2012

I side-eye a wedding invitation from a second cousin I have never met that instructs me to bring a dish to pass for her potluck wedding.

lmcooper86 · November 2012

"Please join the bride and family for a money bridal shower"

Because THAT sounds like fun.

mysi019 · November 2012

I am having the same issue about whom to invite with my coworkers, I work with about 50 ppl, half that are dispatchers and half that are state troopers. There are some of both the I am extremely close to and some that I am so not (and the feelings are mutual) its the ones in the middle that I dont know what to do about. I dont want to appear gift-grabby but I also dont want to leave anyone out ie hurt feelings. AHHHHH

The worst situtation I ever seen was one of my coworkers had a layer system for his wedding. Some people (family, some friends and a couple of co workers ) got real invites either sent to their house or brought to work inviting them to the whole thing (wedding, dinner and recpetion) Some people (family, friend, and coworkers) got invited to just dinner and the reception. And the rest (family, friends and co workers) got facebook invites just to the reception stating that they were invited to a celebration of the union and there will be a pop, bear and cake provided. The worst part, is he got married last March and the only ppl to get thank yous were the people he saw becuase he said he couldnt afford the stamps to send them out ( he told me this while he was eating left over red lobster).

NER - what makes you side eye a wedding invite?

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