second thoughts??... kinda long...

katiereimer · August 2010

sooo.... im having 5 people on my side and 5 people on his side. I had my girls all picked out from the very beginning and they all knew who they were. all been friends since school. one of my bridesmaids ive been friends with longer than the others since 7th grade but after high school we kind of drifted apart but were still friends and now its like we rarely see eachother she always hangs out with younger girls and always wants to party and stuff. dont get me wrong i love me some parties but not all the time. shes really fun and when we actually do hangout its like we talk all the time and we hang out all the time even though we dont like its not awkward or anything. but i really havent seen her for like a month maybe over barely talked to her and it seems like when she wants to make plans.. "something comes up". my wedding is not until next august but i just dont know if i would still keep her in the wedding party or ask someone else? even though i really dont know who else i would ask but i mean if were really not that close anymore would you keep them in your party? i need some advice please!

gottahavashorti · August 2010

Removing a WP member or asking a WP member if they would like to step down tends to come off as a bridezilla move to those who know the bride or the WP member being removed from the wedding.

Keep her in the wedding. And if she drops out, don't replace her - it signals to her that she is easily replaceable in your eyes and to the replacement that she is only second choice. She hasn't done anything horribly wrong to you to end the friendship for non-wedding related reasons, so just let the friendship drift after the wedding if you'd like.

frogurt814 · August 2010

This is why you shouldn't have picked your wedding party so early. Friendships change.

Since you have already asked her to be a BM, if you kick her out now you will look like a total bridezilla.

Kicking out a BM is also a friendship ending move so if you are prepared to not be friends with this girl then that's your decision.

suz62984 · August 2010

You've already asked her so she's a BM. Taking the wedding out of it, are you ready to end the friendship? If so, then end it and the wedding stuff will be understood. Kicking her out of the wedding will only end the friendship and make you look like a major biotch in the process.

Also, if you decide to kick her out don't go replacing her unless you really want someone else to be in the wedding party. Don't do it for even sides; choose that extra person because you are so close that you would call them at 3am to bail you out of jail. However, this will say to the old BM that she is replaceable and could signal to the replacement that she is sloppy seconds.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_second-thoughts-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e7e501c-6ea1-4514-ad43-b31d28858cb5Post:e8a14f3d-202d-4a76-b55c-4a1df1a5750a">second thoughts??... kinda long...</a>:
[QUOTE]sooo.... im having 5 people on my side and 5 people on his side. I had my girls all picked out from the very beginning and they all knew who they were. all been friends since school. one of my bridesmaids ive been friends with longer than the others since 7th grade but after high school we kind of drifted apart but were still friends and now its like we rarely see eachother she always hangs out with younger girls and always wants to party and stuff. dont get me wrong i love me some parties but not all the time. shes really fun and when we actually do hangout its like we talk all the time and we hang out all the time even though we dont like its not awkward or anything. but i really havent seen her for like a month maybe over barely talked to her and it seems like when she wants to make plans.. "something comes up". my wedding is not until next august but i just dont know if i would still keep her in the wedding party or ask someone else? even though i really dont know who else i would ask but i mean if were really not that close anymore would you keep them in your party? i need some advice please!
Posted by katiereimer[/QUOTE]

Have you actually asked them recently to stand with you or is it just understood?

mbcdefg · August 2010

There's no nice or justified way to kick her out, since she's done nothing wrong.

If you want to boot her, realize that it'll completely end the friendship and there's no way to be on good terms with her after that. Also, you run the risk of people outside the situation thinking you're a total a-hole for doing something so mean. So I would not boot her.

Also, your sides don't need to be even, so no matter what the circumstances behind someone leaving your bridal party, you should not replace them. That's an insult to the original person (because it tells them that they're replaceable, and that they're only a number to you) and it's an insult to the new person (because it tells them, "Well, you weren't good enough to be asked the first time, but since I want a fill-in then I guess you're suddenly good enough").

So the best advice here is to leave your bridal party as it is, and try to reconnect with this girl. Don't bring up the wedding or her role as bridesmaid ... pretend you're not getting married at all, and treat it as a friendship issue, and spend time with her in non-wedding activities.

katiereimer · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_second-thoughts-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e7e501c-6ea1-4514-ad43-b31d28858cb5Post:707a92ff-782c-4825-beea-5a5427653436">Re: second thoughts??... kinda long...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to second thoughts??... kinda long... : Have you actually asked them recently to stand with you or is it just understood?
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

i havent officially asked them.. it was pretty much understood and thats my only reasoning for questioning it. and i know she hasnt really done anything wrong but if we were to make plans i would never be surprised if she decided to do something else 10 min before we were suppose to. its kind of something i expect from her sadly.and it really wouldnt surprise me if a month before the wedding she "remembered" there was something else she had going on. thast just kind of the person she is and im not trying to down her in any way thats just the way she is and shes always been like that and i could see it ruining our friendship but i feel like there is barely a friendship as it is anymore. and i talk to my other bm's on a weekly basis sometimes daily but with her its like monthly....maybe.

mbcdefg · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_second-thoughts-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e7e501c-6ea1-4514-ad43-b31d28858cb5Post:eadd97f2-7e8b-4dc3-925a-d684f35112a8">Re: second thoughts??... kinda long...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: second thoughts??... kinda long... : i havent officially asked them.. it was pretty much understood and thats my only reasoning for questioning it.
Posted by katiereimer[/QUOTE]

So I guess your question is if you should ask her at all then, right? Meaning, you had five girls in mind including her, but now you're not so sure?

Your bridesmaids should be your closest friends. If she's not one of your closest friends, then you don't have to ask her.

However, has she been talking about the wedding at all, especially as to whether she'll be a bridesmaid? If so, what have you said in return? If you haven't said anything that even hints that she might be a bridesmaid, don't worry about it. If you HAVE dropped hints that you would ask her, then understand that she may be very hurt (and rightfully so) if you don't include her as a bridesmaid.

Also, you don't need five bridesmaids just because your FI wants five groomsmen. He can have five and you can have four. It would be incredibly stupid to stick another random girl up there, or include this girl that you're not really close to, just for the sake of even numbers. It's much smarter to just include the people you are closest to, regardless of what the total number happens to be.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_second-thoughts-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e7e501c-6ea1-4514-ad43-b31d28858cb5Post:eadd97f2-7e8b-4dc3-925a-d684f35112a8">Re: second thoughts??... kinda long...</a>:
[QUOTE]and i know she hasnt really done anything wrong but if we were to make plans i would never be surprised if she decided to do something else 10 min before we were suppose to. its kind of something i expect from her sadly.and it really wouldnt surprise me if a month before the wedding she "remembered" there was something else she had going on. thast just kind of the person she is and im not trying to down her in any way thats just the way she is and shes always been like that and i could see it ruining our friendship but i feel like there is barely a friendship as it is anymore. and i talk to my other bm's on a weekly basis sometimes daily but with her its like monthly....maybe.
Posted by katiereimer[/QUOTE]

Just remember that all a bridesmaid HAS to do is get her dress and come to the ceremony. Anything else is extra. It'd be NICE if she did those things, but it's not like she's neglecting her "duties" if she doesn't.

If someone's a good friend, you accept her for who she is, even if that means that all she literally does is get her dress and be in the ceremony. Most good friends will do a bit more, but sometimes they can't/won't for whatever reason.

However, it sounds like you just plain don't consider this girl a close friend anymore. If that's the case, and you haven't said anything leading her to believe that she's a bridesmaid, then don't ask her. Don't explain to her why she wasn't chosen, don't find a replacement fifth bridesmaid, don't worry about it. Include the people you love the best, and you'll be fine.

HeatherBob · August 2010

Just wait & see what happens. Sometimes things change & friendship is one of those. I had something similar happen to me when I got engaged and picked my wedding party out. Unfortunately, my MOH & I had a falling out and I lost her and her sister from my WP. That was 2 years okay & we haven't spoken since. I have picked "replacements"... but I would never have someone in my wedding party that I didn't feel completely respected me and was 100% there for me.

SassyBrass · August 2010

A month is really not that long of a time to not be in contact with your friends. I wouldn't worry about that. It doesn't sound like your friendship is circling the drain. If you want to talk more, shoot her an email and see if she wants to grab lunch.
So it sounds like you know your friend is kinda flaky. Please know now that won't change just because you are getting married. You're worrying about her "maybe" flaking out. You have plenty of time and plenty of other things to concern yourself with. If she ends up flaking out of any events, or even your wedding, it's her loss. It won't make you any less married.
People evolve, and sometimes drift apart, careers, significant others, moving away... all things that are just part of life, and yes, it can distance friendships sometimes.
If you haven't officially asked, you don't really have to worry about "kicking" anyone out. But as PP's said, if you want to ask all of your friends and not her, or kick her out, be prepared for that friendship to come to a bitter end. And yes, it does make you look very 'zilla to your friends, who will start taking sides.
My point is, you know who your friend is. If you know she will let her down, plan for that. And, whenever you DO talk or hang out, be sure it's not all about wedding stuff. Get back to what makes your friendship good in the first place.
Good luck- hope things can get back to normal.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

I don't think you should assume that just because she flakes on lunch plans, she's going to bail on your wedding. Weddings are kind of a big deal, even flaky people usually make it there just fine. Don't worry about hypothetical situations. And if something does come up and she can't make it, she's just an absent bridesmaid. BIL didn't make our wedding because of several reasons (that were largely BS and everyone knew it), but he was still listed in the program as a groomsman.

Angrytomato · August 2010

It doesn't sound like this girl has done anything wrong. By your own admission you still talk and hang out. Don't be a brat.

deb84 · August 2010

One of my best friends in the world I only talk to every couple months but what makes her an awesome friends is that no matter how long we go without talking it isn't awkward at all. We pick up right where we left off. Just because you don't talk all the time doesn't mean you aren't friends and just because you are both busy and don't have time to hang out doesn't mean you aren't freinds. If you have already asked her KEEP HER. If you have yet to ask...WAIT and see how you feel when it's time to ask.

Beachy730 · August 2010

Of my MOH and 4 BMs my MOH is the only one I talked to everyday and saw almost everyday, which was because she was also my aunt and lived 2 doors down from me. Just to break it down:
1 BM has been my closest friend since middle school. We went through a period of about 2 years in college where we spoke once in 2 years. But reconnected after and it was like nothing ever changed. Even now we live in different cities and sometimes go a month without talking. But she is truly my best friend and we both know that if we truly needed eachother for something, we would drop everything to be there. She is also horrible about scheduling, and had originally scheduled a work lunch the day of the wedding. Obviously she rescheduled it. I didn't take offense to her not remembering the date, thats just her.

2 other BMs are sisters who grew up across the street from me, and our families are extremely close. We used to vacation together yearly, and even just did 2 years ago. We have since moved apart (different states) but I still consider them 2 of my nearest and dearest friends even if we go 6 months without talking.

The last BM I've known since middle school and as we have grown older we have gotten closer and more important to eachother. Again, we go months without talking.

A friend doesn't have to be there everyday and always on the phone with you to be a good friend. I have friends that I talk to much more often than any of my BMs, but I wasn't going to have them be a BM just because they have more free time to pick up a phone, or because they live in the same city and we can see eachother more.

MrsMack10612 · August 2010

I agree with dnbeach. I have 4 of my closet friends (and my sister) as my WP. One of my girlfriends lives in 1000 miles away, so I only "see" her once or twice a year.

The others are all close by - but we all have busy lives so we only get together every so often - but we text, email and Facebook all the time. My sister lives an hour and half from me and I only see her a few times a year.

It doesn't mean they aren't the nearest and dearest to me. Proximity and how strong a friendship are, are not mutually exclusive.

Give her a break - have you really asked what's going on in her life that maybe something has changed for her?

second thoughts??... kinda long...

Re: second thoughts??... kinda long...

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