Inviting Dates - genuine question of curiosity

emeejeeayen · July 2012

(Scroll down if you want to skip the background)

So, we're planning a wedding for August of 2013 at a venue that has food/bev minimums. The minimum headcount can be 135 to meet the minimums, and let's say we can only afford to go up to 150. (All theoretical, we don't have our budget locked down 100% yet, year away and all.)

My fiance has a LOT of friends. A lot. And virtually none of them have significant others (though admittedly this could change in the next year). Whereas my friend count is quite short and they all have significant others (long term, but admittedly this could change as well.)

All of the above mentioned friends are from New York, and the wedding will be in the San Francisco Bay Area. I, of course, will invite all of my friends' significant others, but my fiance wants to extend the +1s to his friends who are single as well.

I know +1s are only required for those with significant others (and, in my personal opinion, those who won't know many people at the event), so let's say we forego +1s for those friends who do not have significant others and will know plenty of folks at the wedding. And then let's say we invite 150 and, whatever, only 125 (or less even) people RSVP yes to the wedding: Would it be weird to offer some of his close friends the option of bringing a date? (I'm talking BFF-since-kingergarten friends, of whom he has many ::eye roll::)

Obviously I'd never offer up an invite last minute directly to XYZ individual, but is offering a +1 a month or two before the wedding a no no as well?

pokepoke27 · July 2012

The plus one will be extended with the invitation. You will indicate on there if the invitation is meant for the single friend alone or the friend plus a guest.

MrsMack10612 · July 2012

Plan your guest list and your budget so that all of those friends can have a plus one. When it comes time to send invitations; revisit who does or not get a plus one then - if they have gotten into a relationship; if they are truly single and will know lots of other folks.

MJandDL · July 2012

#1 - I think it gets kinda messy if you start extending plus ones to only his closest friends after invites have gone out because there is really no clear cut off. If these guys are all close and Fred his friend since 5th grade hears that Jimmy his friend from kindergarten is bringing a date, he might ask to bring one too. And then we've extended the plus ones from his 10 bff kindergarten friends to his 15 bff elementary friends. And then Johnny his lab partner in 7th grade decides that he wants to bring a date too, etc. etc.

#2 - If they start dating someone (no matter how seriously) after you've sent out the invitations and would like to bring them, they should be allowed to.

I would handle this by deciding how many friends/s.o.'s you can each have one your guest list and then he can decide whether he wants to invite 25 of his closest friends with a plus one or 50 of his single friends. Make sure you're including the s.o.'s of your friends in this number as well, to be fair.

MrsGandthebeag · July 2012

If FI's friends are coming from out of town and require plane tickets I don't think you can tell them last minute it's okay if they invite someone to come with.

HockeyFan4 · July 2012

A lot of times, if you don't meet your minimum, you can upgrade hors d'ouvers, the bar, and whatnot to cover the cost of the minimum guest count...so check with the venue.

I do agree, however, you should budget for all of them to be in a relationship from the beginning though.

aurianna · July 2012

To play devil's advocate here... the OP has the problem that she has a minimum.
What if she gives +1s to all the truely single guests invited... and almost none of them get dates that want spend half a grand to fly to a wedding of a person they've never met with a person they're not actually dating?
Then she risks having to pay a ton for people who aren't there and that's just sad.

Is there any chance when you get a little closer to having to know your final guest list, that you can call some of the single friends that you KNOW you're inviting and ask them if they think they might like to bring someone, and if so, do they already have a name handy (which would be great for making out the invites)? Even if they say they don't have a name they might say, "but I was hoping to ask my friend..."
That way at least you have an idea on the VIPs.

EDIT:
Or yeah. Just budgeting for everyone to have a +1 and then having a contingency of upgrading food if you come under minimum. Probably the cleaner solution.

Loopyseven · July 2012

For the sake of budgeting now, I'd assume that all of his currently single friends will meet people in the next 15 months and need to be invited with a significant other. You can always reevaluate the guest list before you send invitations out. The only rule there is that anyone who receives an STD (if you send them, they are optional) must receive an invitation. There's nothing saying you can send invitations to people who didn't get an STD once you are at the point of sending out invitations.

Kate61487 · July 2012

A 135 minimum with a 150 max head count is not a very large window for 'no' RSVPs, especially if all of your friends would have to fly accross the country to attend. I think regardless of what you decide to do with +1s you should find out what your upgrade options are, b/c you should never invite more than you can afford in case they all RSVP yes, but you run a pretty good chance that you'll end up below your minimum.

Like PPs said, +1s should be offered up front on the original invitation, especially since they'll have to pay for airfare and will probably book it when they RSVP.

Simply Fated · July 2012

I think it could get potentially messy if you guys start inviting some friends with plus 1s and not others.

To answer your poll, though... I voted no, it's not weird. I mean, I wouldn't do it just to hit that minimum, but if the person started seeing someone or if you realize they're coming in from a long distance by themself... or something like that. I just wouldn't make it a B list situation. Like, if X amount of people RSVP "no," I wouldn't run to my list of single friends and start telling them all they can bring dates, afterall.

emeejeeayen · July 2012

Ooo people responded! I've posted before and only gotten a few responses!

::Giggles:: @ LoopySeven, nice use of the abbreviation STD - out of context could actually sound like sexually transmitted disease. (I work in PR and always laugh when someone sends out a blast email with the subject line "STD" to 200 people.) But of course, I'd never send one to someone I wouldn't invite to the wedding! "Save the date for this event I'm not inviting you to!" Classy stuff.

In response to most folks above, I think Aurianna had it right: the issue is half our guest list right now is composed of +1s so if no one brings a guest I'm looking at a guest list of 70 people. And his friends....... how do I put this..... They're all mid-20s and not only do not have girlfriends, but have never had girlfriends. I'm actually thinking if I extended a +1 to them they'd probably bring their brothers or roommates. (not kidding, this is how these guys are, I'm actually mildly concerned about the guy:girl ratio; just like 30 single dudes and no single girls, awesome.)

As far as bumping up prices, we already have them bumped. Family of vegetarians/vegans makes it difficult to up prices, and we already decided to do top shelf booze (this venue has it like $5 more per person for grey goose and all, so why not?). I'm more concerned with the space feeling empty if we go below 135.

Kate61487, I agree 150 is not a wide margin for error, chose a round number on the spot. (Though, to be fair, my entire family is in CA, it's "just" our friends and FH's family in NY) Out of curiosity, what do you think a better number would be? We can't afford 180, but WHAT IF they all show up? Don't I have to account for that?

The easiest solution would be to go trashy and send out a facebook poll to our friends: LISTEN, will you or will you not be attending our wedding because we'd like to figure out if we need to stalk your relationship status on this here social media site or forego sending you an expensive paper invite entirely.

(OBVIOUSLY I'M JOKING ^)

Planning a wedding far away (both distance and time!) is just so much fun!

aurianna · July 2012

Oh please tell me you've got at least one option with meat in it...
30 single guys with no women and no meat? Not a pretty picture.

Does your venue have have "stations" you could add, by any chance? Candy, crepe, carving, waffle, fondu, etc etc?
Add more types of passed appetizers?
Extra cake layers/flavors?

emeejeeayen · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-dates-genuine-question-of-curiosity?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80572f0d-cb06-49c3-be1c-c0efda92742dPost:f426b0c6-e951-4f87-a2c0-6d10d2609682">Re: Inviting Dates - genuine question of curiosity</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh please tell me you've got at least one option with meat in it... 30 single guys with no women and no meat? Not a pretty picture. ;)
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

<div>BAHAHAHA fiance definitely needs to have meat present! Plenty of meat, plenty of booze. (But the catering gets complicated because he's deathly allergic to nuts and shellfish and just simply won't eat a good number of other items; for instance, he'll eat pizza but not cheese or tomato sauce... <em>even though it's on the pizza</em>. "It's not cheese! It's pizza!"; I can't, I just can't.)</div><div>
</div><div>With this venue the way you up food is basically to just have <em>more</em> of it, but we'll already have three entree options, and I think having more than that could get really confusing. I don't need my wedding menu to be like a trip to the Cheesecake Factory, thankyouverymuch.</div>

lauraanne9 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-dates-genuine-question-of-curiosity?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80572f0d-cb06-49c3-be1c-c0efda92742dPost:68a93038-6090-47a5-9c2b-edfb99278635">Re: Inviting Dates - genuine question of curiosity</a>:
[QUOTE]#1 - I think it gets kinda messy if you start extending plus ones to only his closest friends after invites have gone out because there is really no clear cut off. If these guys are all close and Fred his friend since 5th grade hears that Jimmy his friend from kindergarten is bringing a date, he might ask to bring one too. And then we've extended the plus ones from his 10 bff kindergarten friends to his 15 bff elementary friends. And then Johnny his lab partner in 7th grade decides that he wants to bring a date too, etc. etc. #2 - If they start dating someone (no matter how seriously) after you've sent out the invitations and would like to bring them, they should be allowed to. I would handle this by deciding how many friends/s.o.'s you can each have one your guest list and then he can decide whether he wants to invite 25 of his closest friends with a plus one or 50 of his single friends. Make sure you're including the s.o.'s of your friends in this number as well, to be fair.
Posted by MJandDL[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This one. We left room in our guest list to assume that by the wedding, all "singles" will have a plus 1. They were not invited with one. However, if so and so calls 2 weeks before the wedding and asks if they can bring their boyfriend/girlfriend then there is room for us to say yes.

</div>

emeejeeayen · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-dates-genuine-question-of-curiosity?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80572f0d-cb06-49c3-be1c-c0efda92742dPost:ac0e8713-e0d1-40e7-b54f-29a149a0c651">Re: Inviting Dates - genuine question of curiosity</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting Dates - genuine question of curiosity : This one. We left room in our guest list to assume that by the wedding, all "singles" will have a plus 1. They were not invited with one. However, if so and so calls 2 weeks before the wedding and asks if they can bring their boyfriend/girlfriend then there is room for us to say yes.
Posted by lauraanne9[/QUOTE]

<div>Sure, but let's be real: if you travel 3000 miles with someone, you're dating seriously. Ain't no way you're traveling 3000 miles with some dood you met in a bar last week. ;) </div>

Inviting Dates - genuine question of curiosity

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