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Wedding Party

How to phrase this delicately?

Hello everyone!

First off, I don't know what I'd do without the Knotties!

Now, here's my question.

I have a bridesmaid who has a different mindset than the rest of our bridal party.  My fiance and I are of the mindset that a marriage ceremony (and a wedding) are a big deal.  We're saving and busting our butts to put together a nice afternoon reception for our family and friends to celebrate everything that they have done for us to support us through the years, as well as to celebrate the beginning of our new life together.  We do not get a lot of time together due to his job and my current education plans.

Said bridesmaid is a very good friend who has been inredibly supportive of this relationship (and helped me through the distance meltdowns a few times), and it is very important that she be there with us on this day.  However, she thinks that things like "funny pranks to pull on wedding pictures," snarky jokes in vows, joking about objecting, and cake toppers with brides dragging grooms to the altar are hilarious and belong at our wedding.

My fiance and I also balance some pretty tense family politics.  Any jokes like that, or suggestions of smashing cake, or such, could seriously set off a firestorm between or within families. 

I've still got plenty of time to talk to her about this and make sure that she understands that there is a time and place for these jokes, but our wedding ceremony is not that place. 

Do you ladies have any suggestions for how to bring this up with her?

P.S.  We're not completely uptight.  We do plan to have games, music, and an afterparty.  But the afternoon affair does involve some difficult family members.

Re: How to phrase this delicately?

  • Just tell her that you appreciate her sense of humor but unfortunately that your families don't have the same type of sense of humor that she has and that the wedding day is going to have to be pretty serious to avoid offending people in the family & causing problems. Give her a time to let her sense of humor shine like at the bachlorette party. If she truly cares about you, which it sounds like she does, she'll understand & respect your request.
  • What exactly do you think she's going to do?  Switch out your cake topper?  Give your friend a little more credit than that.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-phrase-this-delicately?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4e37cf8f-362a-4a06-875b-9438f5bcf69ePost:3917b1fb-514c-4385-9a60-7999b8de77e5">Re: How to phrase this delicately?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to phrase this delicately? : This was my question as well.  Unless she's the one picking out your cake topper or writing your vows, this really isn't an issue.  The photographer will be the one calling the shots for the photos and if she does sneak in a few "funny prank wedding photos", whatever the hell those are, the photog will likely just not bother including them in your proofs.  As for the objection, I haven't been to a wedding where the officiant ASKED if anyone objected since I was a child.  It's really outdated and most people leave it out of the ceremony completely now.  I think you're stressing over nothing. <strong> I wouldn't sit her down and have a talk with her about it unless she specifically starts talking about planning to do things like switch the cake topper, object out of the clear blue, or run up and smash cake in both of your faces.  Then, you have reason to worry.</strong>
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


    She's made some jokes about doing these things.  I'd like to head them off at the pass.  If she wants to/must  do ridiculous things, then maybe some preparties would be a better venue? She's really supportive, just has a...different sense of humor.
  • The next time she makes one of those jokes, say "I'm pretty sure you're just kidding, but I need you to know that it would really hurt my feelings if you actually did something like that. I know that goofy stuff is funny to you, but it's really important to me to have my wedding be a serious occasion." Would that address the issue?
  • I think that would work, Callie.   That would be a good time to bring it up.  That makes more sense than just  bringing it up out of the blue.

    She's profoundly gifted and led a fairly sheltered life. 

    In her defense, my family is insanely uptight and will fly off the handle at the slightest misstep, hence why my friends don't tend to meet my family frequently.  ;-)
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited August 2012
    DH made all kinds of jokes about what he would say and do at the wedding.  The most risque thing he did was a mild reference in the vows for waiting for me to become legal.  (There's a 5 year age difference that he's a little sensitive to.)  People with any kind of social conditioning at all know how to behave themselves in these situations.

    I really think you're not giving your friend enough credit here.  If she's important enough to you that you want her there on your wedding day, I'm not sure why you wouldn't trust her to behave herself.  I'd worry that any possible way you could bring it up is just going to make her think that you think she's an idiot who's never been in public before.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Maybe you should also have a chat with your family about their inappropriate overreactions.
  • Seriously?  Does your BM care that much to run around rearranging the details of your wedding?  Nothing is going to be perfect.  My cousin wanted a super meaningful ceremony and very serious and it was her husband who knocked over the Unity Candle and almost caught the Church on fire! 

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  • just smile, nod, and say something like, "good idea" but do not indulge her with any intimate plans. all and all, she seems like a good friend and at the end of the day i am sure she will be happy for you whatever you choose.
  • Maybe you should consider responding with a laugh and an "I'm so glad you'd never actually do that to me" kind of comment.  If you're fairly sure she wouldn't but want to nip it in the bud, a small comment could work.  If she implies she's serious, then you can have a true conversation.  Do you have other BMs who could keep her in check?
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