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Etiquette

Need advice

I will be getting married next summer.  My parents are divorced and, while they have finally come to terms with each other and can be civil (even friendly) for the weekend of the wedding, my stepmom (Kim) is the problem. 
She hasn't been involved with my life since marrying my dad 3 years ago, and makes no effort until recently.
I invited her (on my father's insistance) to my first trip to try on dresses, and she made comments the entire day about how I shouldn't even bother with a white dress due to the fact that my finance and I have been living together for a year.
She is also insisting I invite her sisters and parents, along with her nieces/nephews and their children, even though we are trying to keep the invitees under 150 due to expenses.
Her final loving gift to us for our engagement was to toast at our dinner (uninvited), and say that, she and my father are trying to be loving, supportive parents, even though they don't agree with our relationship (I'm white and he's black).
Am I overreacting in the fact that I do not want her involved in my wedding and am debating asking her not to come?  How can I address her comments and other issues while not sounding like a bridezilla?

Re: Need advice

  • Wow...she sounds like a peach.  You can't uninvite her from the wedding itself since she's your dad's wife, but I would not include her in any more of the planning from here on out.  Also, I'd flat out tell her no to her requested invites.  Sorry you are having to deal with that, what does your dad have to say about your relationship?  Is he racist too?
    Anniversary
  • edited January 2012
    I would invite her to the wedding, but keep her involvement with and knowledge about the wedding to the bare minimum. Unless your dad is paying for anything, just say you are sorry but cannot accomodate the additional family. If he's paying, then he gets the final say.

    And the next time she offers that toast, I'd publicly thank her for helping you and your future husband see that you can overcome anything, even racist family members.
  • TiffannieFTiffannieF member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited January 2012
    Ok this is your dad's wife so you have to invite her.

    If they are paying/hosting the wedding then they do have a say on the guest list.  My dad married my step mom 13 months before our wedding and were dating for 1 year before that.  I invited her kids (my step brothers & their SO) as well as her parents (my step g-parents).  I did not invite her brothers...but then again they weren't paying for anything at the wedding.

    Some people are old fashion and will say snarky comments about the white dress...just ignore her she's being rude.

    I would also talk with your dad about telling her to shut her big fat racist mouth before she gets punched in the face by somebody.
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  • Well, bless her heart.  I mean that in the most Southern way possible.

    If she doesn't support your marriage, why on earth does she want her entire family invited?

    She gets an invitation, but nothing else.  Don't include her in any planning unless you want the cow to harsh your buzz.

  • I know that my dad had a bit of difficulty with my fiance at first, but he and I had a heart-to-heart prior to our engagement, and he stated that my happiness trumps anything. 
    My dad is buying my wedding dress and veil; that's it.
    And I am perfectly capable of affording it on my own; he insisted because I am the oldest and first to be getting married of his children.
    I am just at a loss of how to deal with her......my dad won't involve himself because he hates drama, and she isn't dumb enough to make comments around him (outside of the engagement dinner).
  • In Response to Re: Need advice:
    [QUOTE]I would invite her to the wedding, but keep her involvement with and knowledge about the wedding to the bare minimum. Unless your dad is paying for anything, just say you are sorry but cannot accomodate the additional family. If he's paying, then he gets the final say. And the next time she offers that toast, I'd publicly thank her for helping you and your future husband see that they can overcome anything, even racist family members.
    Posted by BethP937[/QUOTE]

    Love this! 
  • In Response to Re: Need advice:
    [QUOTE]She is a mushroom person: keep her in the dark and periodically throw some crap her way to keep her happy. Ignore her and don't involve her in anything.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]
    This simply made my day; thank you for the laugh!!
  • In Response to Re: Need advice:
    [QUOTE]I know that my dad had a bit of difficulty with my fiance at first, but he and I had a heart-to-heart prior to our engagement, and he stated that my happiness trumps anything.  My dad is buying my wedding dress and veil; that's it. And I am perfectly capable of affording it on my own; he insisted because I am the oldest and first to be getting married of his children. I am just at a loss of how to deal with her......my dad won't involve himself because he hates drama, and she isn't dumb enough to make comments around him (outside of the engagement dinner).
    Posted by jkraeme[/QUOTE]


    If you're paying for the wedding with your fiance, you have the final say as to the guest list.  Your step mother needs an invite, she's your dad's wife and she needs to be invited, warts and all.  As for her extended family, the answer is no. You're paying for it, and you don't have to invite them.

    With the dress thing, she's being snarky and rude.  I'd just let it go on that front.  I had a similar issue with my mother, but just ignored her til she stopped bringing it up.  Either she got over it, or she stopped beating a dead horse.  Your step mother will move past it too. And if she doesn't, just smile and kill her with kindness. Don't stoop and you'll always look better than her.
  • In Response to Re: Need advice:
    [QUOTE]I know that my dad had a bit of difficulty with my fiance at first, but he and I had a heart-to-heart prior to our engagement, and he stated that my happiness trumps anything.  My dad is buying my wedding dress and veil; that's it. And I am perfectly capable of affording it on my own; he insisted because I am the oldest and first to be getting married of his children. I am just at a loss of how to deal with her......my dad won't involve himself because he hates drama, and she isn't dumb enough to make comments around him (outside of the engagement dinner).
    Posted by jkraeme[/QUOTE]

    Don't.  Ignore everything she says regarding the wedding and don't give her any more details.  If she asks, just make a generic comment about how you have it under control, or if she gives unsolisited advice, just say 'thanks, I'll consider it'.  Although if she says anything else about the mixed race, just remind her that if she doesn't support your marriage, then you'll understand if she doesn't want to come to the wedding.
    Anniversary
  • I agree with others.  Yes, she should be invited to the wedding, but don't invite her to join any other planning.  And yeah, you don't have to invite any of her family.  If you don't consider them to be your family, I wouldn't worry about that.

    I understand your dad doesn't want to deal with drama, but honestly, if it doesn't get taken care of now, chances are it'll come out during the wedding.  I would have a talk with him and let him know why you're not including her in any other planning.  If he's aware of how she's been acting, maybe he'll be on the lookout and can head off anything during the wedding itself.
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  • As PPs have said, ignore her, and don't involve her in any more of the wedding planning.  Keep your conversations with her to an absolute minimum, and disengage whenever she says a negative thing.  Example:
    You:  Hi Stepmom.
    Her: Hi Jkraeme.  You know, you're a hoar who shouldn't wear white.
    You: Bye Stepmom.  (then walk away) 
    Repeat as often as necessary.

    As for the fact that she's a racist loser who feels the need to make her racism publicly known by "toasting" you and FI, just make it very clear to your DJ (or MC, or bandleader, or whoever will be doing the announcing at the wedding) that no one except for the people previously approved by you and FI should be allowed to speak during the toasts, and explicitly mention that you have a racist stepmother who should not be permitted within 20 feet of a microphone.  The same goes for other pre-wedding events - make sure whoever is hosting knows she's not permitted to make any kind of speech.
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  • In Response to Re: Need advice:
    [QUOTE]As PPs have said, ignore her, and don't involve her in any more of the wedding planning.  Keep your conversations with her to an absolute minimum, and disengage whenever she says a negative thing.  Example: You:  Hi Stepmom. Her: Hi Jkraeme.  You know, you're a hoar who shouldn't wear white. You: Bye Stepmom.  (then walk away)  Repeat as often as necessary. As for the fact that she's a racist loser who feels the need to make her racism publicly known by "toasting" you and FI, just make it very clear to your DJ (or MC, or bandleader, or whoever will be doing the announcing at the wedding) that no one except for the people previously approved by you and FI should be allowed to speak during the toasts, and explicitly mention that you have a racist stepmother who should not be permitted within 20 feet of a microphone.  The same goes for other pre-wedding events - make sure whoever is hosting knows she's not permitted to make any kind of speech.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

    Ugh I'm sorry that people like this still exist and especially that you and your FI have to deal with her. Ditto PP, and warn DJ and whoever that she is not to be allowed near a microphone.
    June 16, 2012
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In addition to what has already been discussed, I think I might mention the racist toast to my dad.  I would let him know how hurtful that was, and ask him to please do what he can to avoid a repeat on the wedding day.  

    I know he can't control her, but if he wants to avoid drama, he should talk to his wife about how inappropriate it is to talk about not approving of the wedding due to race at the engagement party.  A repeat at the wedding would be some drama.
  • edited February 2012
    There's no excuse for her behavior, but like everyone said you cannot uninvite her. My FI dads wife has issues with us too and neither of them are coming. It's a little sad. Hopefully she will remember she is a lady and to stay classy on your special day. If not you won't be the one looking like a fool. At least you are making an effort.
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  • In Response to Re: Need advice:
    [QUOTE]I would invite her to the wedding, but keep her involvement with and knowledge about the wedding to the bare minimum. Unless your dad is paying for anything, just say you are sorry but cannot accomodate the additional family. If he's paying, then he gets the final say. And the next time she offers that toast, I'd publicly thank her for helping you and your future husband see that you can overcome anything, even racist family members.
    Posted by BethP937[/QUOTE]

    That! This woman is ridiculous. Leave her out as much as possible!
  • [QUOTE]She is a mushroom person: keep her in the dark and periodically throw some crap her way to keep her happy. Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]
    Love this!
    [QUOTE] And the next time she offers that toast, I'd publicly thank her for helping you and your future husband see that you can overcome anything, even racist family members.  Posted by BethP937[/QUOTE]Also this!  OK, so that advice about warning the DJ that she is not to have the mic is probably better advice, but this is funnier.
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  • In Response to Re: Need advice:
    [QUOTE]She is a mushroom person: keep her in the dark and periodically throw some crap her way to keep her happy. Ignore her and don't involve her in anything.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    LOL - this is beautiful advice. I second this.
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  • Wow she's asking for you to dislike her! She needs to be invited and it feels good to take the high road after the fact. White and virginity were linked in the 1950s, so it's a relatively new thing. Wear white if you want to. I like that you tried to work her into the social unit that is your family, but her well-known dislike of your choices is screwing the pooch on that one. Definitely give her the mushroom treatment (keep her in the dark and feed her on bulltweet) for the wedding stuff only. She's still your dad's SO and has to be respected (hatred on all sides goes to quarraling and ridiculousness). When she pries into the wedding or anything you don't want to talk to her about, just evade by saying everything is peachy and taken care of. I would be keeping her at arm's length, but that's just so I wouldn't be able to reach to hit her (empty threat - I'm little and weak). Talk about her a lot just so she can't offer opinions on you - maybe you can even sneak in a few very polite opinions about her. Tell your dad that you're trying to get along with her and that you're going to continue doing your best even though she's making it more than a little difficult. Don't let it ruin what you have with your dad.
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