Advice Needed! Help! Future stepmom here...

Re: Advice Needed! Help! Future stepmom here...

• rachel801231

  

  March 2012

  I would personally do everything you can to back your FI up in his decision of fighting for full custody.  A bond between a father and their children is extremely important.  Especially at that age.  He is going through changes as well, not only emotionally but physically as well.  He is experiencing a home life that is different than what he has probably had with his mom.  He is at the age of puberty and that alone can be hard for a 13 year old to handle.  More than likely he is going to grow out of this awkward phase and become more interested in being more independent.  Just give it time.   In the mean time, continue to encourage his independence and social skills.  Sign him up for a sports team, etc. 
  
  Guard yourself with information and then approach your FI with all the positive things that a child will benefit from from having good social skills and independence.  It is also important for you two to have time together as well to foster your new marriage and grow together as a couple.  Make sure you talk about having a date night at least once a week (if possible) but also have activities where you do as a family (game night) so he feels included and even find activities you and your new step son can do together (without dad). 
  
  It's all about finding a happy balance without attacking  your FI because  that's going to force him to chose you or his son and any good dad will pick his son.
  Best of luck!

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• rachel801231

  

  March 2012

  I would personally do everything you can to back your FI up in his decision of fighting for full custody.  A bond between a father and their children is extremely important.  Especially at that age.  He is going through changes as well, not only emotionally but physically as well.  He is experiencing a home life that is different than what he has probably had with his mom.  He is at the age of puberty and that alone can be hard for a 13 year old to handle.  More than likely he is going to grow out of this awkward phase and become more interested in being more independent.  Just give it time.   In the mean time, continue to encourage his independence and social skills.  Sign him up for a sports team, etc. 
  
  Guard yourself with information and then approach your FI with all the positive things that a child will benefit from from having good social skills and independence.  It is also important for you two to have time together as well to foster your new marriage and grow together as a couple.  Make sure you talk about having a date night at least once a week (if possible) but also have activities where you do as a family (game night) so he feels included and even find activities you and your new step son can do together (without dad). 
  
  It's all about finding a happy balance without attacking  your FI because  that's going to force him to choose you or his son and any good dad will pick his son.
  Best of luck!

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• redheadfsu member

  

  March 2012 edited March 2012

  I think you need to relax. All kids are different. This one likes to hang out with his dad, that doesn't mean he is emotionally immature. Do not say anything about it, really. I think you are being very judgmental. That age is so hard for kids.
  
  Just establish a weekly date night where you two get to go out and be alone.

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  *This is Not Legal Advice*

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• LetsHikeToday member

  

  March 2012

  I agree with the weekly date idea. I also think you need to relax. The kid is 13. He's still a kid. If he wants to sit by his dad on the couch, I think you should respect that.

  

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• NcsuPsych member

  

  March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-needed-help-future-stepmom-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:209b558b-0d33-45be-b327-e7a15957fc97Post:8002b2e1-18e3-428a-b361-7a6d16fe0821">Re: Advice Needed! Help! Future stepmom here...</a>:
  [QUOTE]I think you need to relax. All kids are different. This one likes to hang out with his dad, that doesn't mean he is emotionally immature. Do not say anything about it, really. I think you are being very judgmental. That age is so hard for kids. Just establish a weekly date night where you two get to go out and be alone.
  Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]
  
  I can't agree with this more. You've also got to realize that this kid has gone through a lot with a divorce and moving between parents as well as getting a stepmom in the mix.
  
  Chill and stop being so judgmental towards your soon to be son.

  

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• vexie member

  

  March 2012 edited March 2012

  I understand completely! Last summer I married a man with two young daughters.  Their mother died giving birth to the youngest.  My husband and the older daughter went through the death together and in doing so developed a very tight bond (she was only two when her mother died).   They slept together every night and she literally screamed if hubby and I went out without her.  Today she's 6 and things are completely different.  I did have to lay down some boundaries (it took many, many months, but we did get her to be able to sleep the entire night in her own bed, by herself) and despite her crying, we did go out on regular dates without the girls.... but for the most part I just worked hard to develop a loving friendship with her so she trusted me too.  In time it all just worked itself out ... and my hope is that it will for you too. 
  
  edited to add... please try and be patient with him.  You don't want to put your FI in the position of having to choose between the two of you..  however it's also perfectly fine for you to express to you FI how you feel about the situation and ask his suggestions on how to change the situation or how to foster a closer relationship between you and the boy.

  84 73 11 Wedding date: June 11, 2011

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• daisymom0317 member

  

  March 2012

  Thank you all for your feedback. I do want this to work. Just needed to vent!

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• daisymom0317 member

  

  March 2012

  Forgot to add....the church where we're getting married is requiring me and my fiance to do a 6 week premarital counseling session..maybe some of this could be addressed also during this time...however, the son won't be there at the counseling, just me and my fiance

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• NcsuPsych member

  

  March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-needed-help-future-stepmom-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:209b558b-0d33-45be-b327-e7a15957fc97Post:66b9fe62-bae7-45dc-9f08-a26a2cb60541">Re: Advice Needed! Help! Future stepmom here...</a>:
  [QUOTE]Forgot to add....the church where we're getting married is requiring me and my fiance to do a 6 week premarital counseling session..maybe some of this could be addressed also during this time...however, the son won't be there at the counseling, just me and my fiance
  Posted by daisymom0317[/QUOTE]
  
  That's a good step. I'd still probably recommend at least looking into family counseling just to help things go smoothly.
  
  Good luck!

  

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  March 2012

  I am the future stepmom to a 6 year old boy who's behavior is almost exactly like this. FI can't even go to the bathroom alone, without his son hanging onto his leg.  Our situation is that Fi's ex-wife has basically opted out of motherhood and has abandoned him with his father so she can travel the country with her boyfriend in his 18 wheeler.  FI has full custody and her rights to her son will soon be terminated.
  
  My future stepson is a sweet boy who is very sensitive and takes everything very personally, and has really been damaged by his mother's actions towards him.  We are setting him up with a therapist who can work with him to help him feel more secure and safe, and give him tools to deal with his mother's actions.  We're doing this not because we think something's wrong with him, but because we're worried about him and we want him to feel safe and learn how to be independent.  I am also concerned about the social effects of this clinginess as he grows up - I don't want him to get made fun of.  Kids can be mean.  He does well in school and has friends right now, and I want to keep it that way, but like your stepson he doesn't want to go to any parties or events unless his Daddy stays there with him. 
  
  If it's within your budget (check with your health insurance) to have someone work with him for awhile, I think it would be to the boy's advantage.  He probably does have worries about the divorce, you coming into his life and having to share his father with you, feeling secure, etc, and it will be good for his future for him to have the tools he needs to deal with those feelings.  I don't think you're complaining about it to be selfish, I think you're genuinely concerned about him and want him to be happy.  It doesn't seem like he is.

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• daisymom0317 member

  

  March 2012

  Thanks so much. Lots of good advice here! I am genuinely concerned. That's why I made the post. The mom only sees him maybe once every other month, so I'm sure he's feeling a sense of abandonment there. Just got to figure out a way to bring this up to my fiance. That is, the subject of counseling. Maybe we could do a group counseling or something like that.
  Thanks again.
  

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• ceh789 member

  

  March 2012

  Family counseling seems really needed.  My other thought - do you ever do anything with this kid?  Maybe he's clingier toward dad because he feels like he doesn't know you?

  
  

  Getting to know a 13 year old boy is always challenging, I'm sure being the future stepmom doesn't help, but I suspect you'll be glad you got to know him better once you do.

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• AngelRiddle

  

  March 2012 edited March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-needed-help-future-stepmom-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:209b558b-0d33-45be-b327-e7a15957fc97Post:4f218fdb-c1c4-4311-8ffb-bae87fe4a072">Re: Advice Needed! Help! Future stepmom here...</a>:
  [QUOTE]Family counseling seems really needed.  My other thought - do you ever do anything with this kid?  Maybe he's clingier toward dad because he feels like he doesn't know you? Getting to know a 13 year old boy is always challenging, I'm sure being the future stepmom doesn't help, but I suspect you'll be glad you got to know him better once you do.
  Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]
  
  This.  I know I didn't get to know my stepmom very well for a long time because she was much more concentrated on being the new wife than also being the mother to two additional children (as in just doing the duties of a mother under obligation from our father, but we could tell she wasn't interested in the role).  Not saying that is what you are doing, but since you are marrying his father, you are marrying into the family relationship, so it would be best to get used to that.  Counseling definitely wouldn't hurt either.  Best of luck to you!
  
  FWIW, eventually I took the initiative to make things better between my stepmom and me, and it's paid off.

  

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