Snarky Brides

Am I out of line?

Hi ladies...just looking for the blunt, honest truth here so lay it on me.

I'm in a destination wedding next summer where the bride and groom are paying for everything. Totally respect this, but the bride is insistent that no one gets a +1, not even people in steady relationships.

I've recently started dating someone and want to bring him to the resort for the week. Was emailing with one of the other bridesmaids and mentioned to her that I was going to bring the bf-not that I was bringing him to the wedding, but just on vacation for the week.

Fast forward a week....I got a snarky email from the bride saying that I should have gotten her permission before planning on bringing anyone with me. She apparently has "things for me to do" for at least three days of the seven that I'll be on vacation for her wedding and "he doesn't know anyone" so "would he really have a good time anyhow?"

I'm not trying to monopolize her wedding, but am I out of line for wanting to bring someone with me for the week? I told my fella already that he probably would have to have some solo time while I'm dealing with wedding stuff, and he was totally cool with that. As far as I was concerned it was a total non-issue, but she flipped out on me. I know people get stressed when they're in the throes of wedding planning, but my feelings are seriously hurt over this. I don't plan on losing a friend over something so trivial, but I'm not going to be pushed around either.

And um, what all am I gonna be doing for three days prior to a destination wedding? Anyone wanna clue me in before I have a sit down talk with my bride?

Re: Am I out of line?

  • I would just explain to her that he's not going to keep you from doing anything she might need you to do or help out with, and that he'll just be there spending time with you for the other times when you aren't with her.  And follow through with that when the time comes.  She just wants to know that you're going to be there for her and not all wrapped up in spending time with him. 
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  • Why don't you just meet with her for drinks or something and don't bring it up right away, but when it does come up just gently explain your view...see what she says...if she still says no, just drop it, as you won't have much of a choice.

    Good luck.

  • Since she's paying for everything and not allowing plus ones, does she intend for you to share a room with another BM?  If so, your bringing a guy along would be a problem...  

    Even if you're getting a single room, I'd feel very strange about bringing someone else along if she's paying.  If you want to bring him, I think you and he should pay for your own room.
  • We are paying for our own room. B&G are paying for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding/cocktail reception. They intended the destination wedding to be a "vacation" for those of us coming, which is why I didn't see any problem with bringing a bf/friend of my choice.
  • Okay, I got confused by this line: 

    "I'm in a destination wedding next summer where the bride and groom are paying for everything."

     I thought you meant they were paying for your travel expenses...  If they do intend for it to be a vacation - and since you're paying your own way -  then I don't really see the problem with bringing him.

    If I were in the same position, however, and if I were friends with another BM or guest, I'd come alone and share a room with that person.  I could have fun that way too...

    I do think it's ridiculous for someone to plan a DW and expect people not to bring plus ones, however.  We had a DW, and I can't imagine having asked people to travel without their SO.
  • I have been in a similar situation and it sucked.  DW where my BF (who very soon after became my FI) wasn't invited.  But since I was staying in a house paid for by my friend I didn't feel it was appropriate to ask.  After I booked the plane ticket she asked me if he was coming (?) but by then it was too late to save up enough $ for him to come as well.  So the wedding was fun and all but being literallly the only "single" person there really sucked.

    If I were you I would just tell your friend you want to make a vacation with BF and will pay for both of your travel expenses and he won't keep you from bridesmaid duties.
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  • I would be on your side.
    I wouldn't want to stay on my own anyway.
    I was in a situation before where my friends & family didn't really approve of my bf, so they'd always get upset if i wanted to bring him somewhere with me.
    I took him to our school's prom, and a lot of friends completely ditched me because of it. Kind of a pain, but I thought it was really silly for them to do.
    I think if your man doesn't mind being in the room, or on his own, for the time when you're doing wedding stuff with the bride, then you should go ahead and bring him. It's a free country. He can go on vacation anywhere he wants. :)
  • ditto PPs.  As long as it isn't incurring any extra charge for the B&G and you won't be neglecting your bridesmaid's duties, you should be allowed to bring someone with you.  It's not up to them to dictate your travel plans.  She is being a bridezilla about this.
  • It's not like you're trying to force her into letting him come to the wedding, so you should be able to bring him and enjoy your vacation with him.  I think she might be a little jealous because she wanted some alone time with all the girls before the wedding, but you can both spend time with her and with him, so what's the big deal?

  • is it possible to have him fly down after the wedding? that way he can be there, but she will know 100% that he will not take you away from the wedding?
  • The bride should be willing to accomodate the + 1s, since you are going to considerable expenses to be there for her. Leaving significant others out is rude. If she has 3 days worth of plans for you when you get there, it doesn't sound like much of a vacation for the bridesmaids. Hopefully, she'll get over herself before too long.
                       
  • I think you just need to talk to her face to face or over the phone to clear things up about him coming and not being any extra cost to them. I understand that guests are expensive especially for a DW and if she doesn't know him she probably really doesn't want him to 'show up' at the wedding.
    Discussing issues like this over email can get confusing and things can be taken the wrong way. Just make sure she doesn't have to pay any extra for him and don't let it take away from your relationship with her.
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited December 2009
    If she isn't paying for the travel expenses, she is very very rude not to invite SOs. She is only paying for the rehearsal dinner & reception, just like any at home wedding. If instead she was helping with hotel or air fare that is something entirely different (although very long term couples should still get a +1)

    I would explain to her that you are paying for the travel, hotel, and taking vacation days off so you want to bring your SO since you would on any other "vacation". I might decline being in the bridal party if I were you. She doesn't sound like a nice bride. Now of course, you can't throw a hissy fit. However I would take her to lunch & explain that since you are paying for your vacation you plan on bringing your SO. 

    Since you just started dating, she may think you will be locked in the hotel room with your boyfriend. So explain that you will still want girl time. Also other friends might be pissed if you bring your recent SO while their long-terms had to stay home. But that is mostly her fault, so I wouldn't even address that. If she brings it up, hint that couples are social units and you can understand why the other girls are upset. (very nicely and subtlety)

    Hopefully the 3 days are things like manicures, pedicures, girl only parties, etc. not just boring things like making favors, setup for the venues, or other not fun things. It sounds like your vacation might become a wedding boot camp.

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  • My bride and I had a chat yesterday where we cleared up all the confusion. The other bm that told her my plans made it sound a lot worse than it was (as in, I was bringing him no matter what anyone said). Basically, being the two very emotional, very alike people we are, we both got hurt because of unclear communication. She because she took what someone else said as gospel, and me because of a poorly worded email. Long story short, the "three days" stuff is fun girl stuff with just a few wedding duties and he's gonna be able to come to the wedding anyhow. Whew!

    We followed up our chat with lunch, where she also met the bf. She sent me a text after and said that she thought he was great, especially for me. So I'm really excited, and also very relieved that we're all resolved and whatnot.

    Thanks for all the good advice and such! Best of luck with your weddings.

  • considering that she stated early on that this invitation was not a +1, i feel like you really should have had a talk with her before she found your plans out from someone else.  in her eyes, you deliberately went against her wishes.  since its all said and done now, id reccomend bringing her a bottle of cheap-o wine in pretty glasses and talking it through.  i certainly would never want to go to a DW without my boyfriend, but in her eyes, if her ladies are all out living it up with their significant others, it becomes less about her. and we all know the wedding is all about the bride, at least for that day :-) hope that helps!
  • i personally think that your dress is gorgeous and your BM is a bitch to say something like that AFTER you bougth your dress
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