Not Engaged Yet

Final Update!

So some very good news. My aunt took it well.  She was concerned about me and she and my mom got to fight over who would talk to him about it, my aunt won.  But of course my mom wants me to go to counseling while I am still under their health insurance.  I told her I didn't want go and why so she suggested that I do some consultations, where I interview the counselor to see if I like them.  So I said I would. SO we shall see how that goes...

 

Thank you all so much for the support through this really tough time. I feel so much better know that my aunt doesn't hate me and that he won't be there.  It really means a lot to me that you guys were there for me :) *warm vibes and love to all*  Thank you so much!  

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

Married! May 27th, 2012

Re: Final Update!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_final-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e748472c-7497-4b90-b4d8-7ea5c81de1d6Post:9ef5cbb9-0d64-49c4-b152-72f2bf13574c">Re: Final Update!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm glad your family is taking this so well.  I think your mom has a good idea with you doing a little more counseling.  It can't hurt, right?  Plus as you get closer to your wedding day, you might want to have someone to talk to about what happened and your <strong>impending </strong>bedroom activities, KWIM?
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]
    <p class="MsoNormal">Ya but I am terrified of going.<span>  </span>It's kind of embarrassing.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Lol impending, that is a good word.<span>  </span>We are going Pre-marital counseling so I am sure that will be discussed then.<span>  </span>If not I could indeed ask this new person.<span>  </span>However, I was counting on you guys to talk to me through it ;)</p>
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_final-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e748472c-7497-4b90-b4d8-7ea5c81de1d6Post:a346a73a-314f-4dfc-bf9b-783bd2605a8f">Re: Final Update!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Final Update! : Ya but I am terrified of going.   It's kind of embarrassing. Lol impending, that is a good word.   We are going Pre-marital counseling so I am sure that will be discussed then.   If not I could indeed ask this new person.   <strong>However, I was counting on you guys to talk to me through it ;)
    </strong>Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

    As much as I love you, I'm not sure I want a step by step account of your wedding night festivities. ;)

    I'm glad you got it figured out! Sounds like it's on a good track now. Although counseling is terrifying, I think you'd be pretty happy you got the courage to do it after the fact. I'll keep you in my prayers!
    Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_final-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e748472c-7497-4b90-b4d8-7ea5c81de1d6Post:536791ec-cc86-4f0e-816a-9792cf0d4770">Re: Final Update!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Final Update! : A<strong>s much as I love you, I'm not sure I want a step by step account of your wedding night festivities.</strong> ;) I'm glad you got it figured out! Sounds like it's on a good track now. Although counseling is terrifying, I think you'd be pretty happy you got the courage to do it after the fact. I'll keep you in my prayers!
    Posted by polkadot111[/QUOTE]
    Lol No no no.  More like a pre-game talk. 
    Thanks Hope, that means a lot to me :)
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • I agree with yaga and polka on giving counseling a chance. It can be incredibly embarrassing and very emotional to talk about things you wouldn't want to tell anyone. I personally felt better getting those emotions out, anger frustration, guilt and sadness and it was much easier to tell someone I deemed a safe stranger because afterall they had no stake in my story...it made it easier to also hear this person and accept the validation they gave. Maybe that's why it's easy to talk to all of us! Lol


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_final-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e748472c-7497-4b90-b4d8-7ea5c81de1d6Post:9ff4fdcb-2e15-48b0-8592-d99daa6a561d">Re: Final Update!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with yaga and polka on giving counseling a chance. It can be incredibly embarrassing and very emotional to talk about things you wouldn't want to tell anyone. I personally felt better getting those emotions out, anger frustration, guilt and sadness and it was much easier to tell someone I deemed a safe stranger because afterall they had no stake in my story...it made it easier to also hear this person and accept the validation they gave. Maybe that's why it's easy to talk to all of us! Lol
    Posted by doubleSS07[/QUOTE]
    <p class="MsoNormal">Ah but I have been to counselors.<span>  </span>It was terrible.<span>  </span>All they did was make me cry (mind I was also 8) so even since then I think counselor=crying.<span>  </span>I HATE crying, at least when it comes to talking about my feelings because people don't take your seriously when you start to cry.<span>  </span>:/</p> <p class="MsoNormal">EDIT:</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Yaga- very true.<span>  </span>IDk I am still really apprehensive about it.</p>
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • Aww I'm sorry you had such a bad experience...that's terrible especially for a child. I hope that if you do give it a chance again you are able to find someone who makes you feel safe to talk and to cry. :)


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_final-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e748472c-7497-4b90-b4d8-7ea5c81de1d6Post:e396b495-6124-427d-8116-04d80186231e">Re: Final Update!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Final Update! : Ah but I have been to counselors.   It was terrible.   All they did was make me cry (mind I was also 8) so even since then I think counselor=crying.   I HATE crying, at least when it comes to talking about my feelings because <strong>people don't take your seriously when you start to cry.</strong>   :/ EDIT: Yaga- very true.   IDk I am still really apprehensive about it.
    Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

    That is NOT true. People that don't take you seriously because you are crying are assholes - that is their shortcoming, not yours. If anything, a person should take you more seriously because you have such strong emotion about the topic. Whoever your counselor was when you were 8 should have their license revoked and get a swift kick in the pants. Counselors/therapists like that make me sick, because they are the reason some people have fears and reservations about therapy, when it should be a positive thing.

    I think that getting your mind around  counseling and becoming comfortable with it are essential to it actually working, so I agree with you that right now, it might not be that helpful. A huge step was made in telling your parents, and another huge step was made in allowing your aunt to find out. As you become comfortable with each step you are taking, you will be able to take the next step.

    I think your mom's idea of interviewing counselors is excellent - you will have the control, and you don't have to open up yet if you aren't ready. I think for you, the whole thing is about feeling powerless - you felt powerless with your cousin, and you felt powerless with your first counselor. That's why it is extremely important that the decision to talk to someone come from you, for you - not for us, not for your mom, not even for your FI. For YOU!

    I appreciate the credit that you give us, that we can help you with your wedding night questions, but we are not licensed professionals. We can answer questions about sex until the cows come home, and even cheer you up and try to calm your nerves. But if any emotion did come up about things that happened to you, you would be in better hands with a professional who has made a career of helping people with that exact issue. You wouldn't trust someone who happened to get A's in high school math with your llifetime finances over a professional financial planner, and you shouldn't trust someone without a degree and experience to treat your mental health. Like I said before, you deserve the best health and support that you can get in this world - and that includes us, your parents, your FI, God, your religious affiliates, your doctor, and a mental health professional.

    For now, you are doing all of the right things, and I am so so so so SO proud of how far you have come with this. I hope you are giving yourself credit and a pat on the back for how brave you have been and continue to be :)
  • I will agree with most of what Sousa said, except that the counselor you saw when you were younger should have his/her license revoked.

    It is a therapist's job to get to the root cause of your issues, and to remain objective. I completely disagree that people don't take you seriously when you cry. There may be a bit of truth in that in a professional type of setting, but I think a therapist's office should be a safe place. Having a therapist who will push you is actually a really GOOD thing. But knowing when/how to push is even better.

    I think have some initial sessions with a couple different people to see who you feel the most comfortable with is a great idea. You need to establish a bit of rapport before you can really open up to someone.

    Try to just go in with the mindset that these are professionals whose interest is in making you a healthier person. it's not personal to them but they ARE trying to help. Okay?

    Keep us updated, but I"m really glad that your aunt responded better than you expected! That is wonderful news!


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  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_final-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e748472c-7497-4b90-b4d8-7ea5c81de1d6Post:1eba87fe-e032-4cd9-ae94-ac48d786d2fd">Re: Final Update!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will agree with most of what Sousa said, except that the counselor you saw when you were younger should have his/her license revoked. It is a therapist's job to get to the root cause of your issues, and to remain objective. I completely disagree that people don't take you seriously when you cry. There may be a bit of truth in that in a professional type of setting, but I think a therapist's office should be a safe place. Having a therapist who will push you is actually a really GOOD thing. But knowing when/how to push is even better. Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    Very true. I don't know what happened in that office, so it could just be that the content of the session was what made Ray cry, rather than the therapist themself. However, it seems to me if there was no success in Ray's mind and it has put her off counselors for good, it was an unsuccessful session(s) and they did not do a very good job. Like you said, when/how to push is integral, and reading your patient correctly is an enormous part of the job.  I just tend to get very aggravated at the professional when they have left the patient with a bad taste in their mouth to therapy in general, but perhaps it isn't entirely their fault and I need to look at that bias.

    It can be argued that Ray was not in the right place at the time to receive the help as well, or that they were just not the right fit for each other. That just shows even more that this time around, Ray, you should feel like you have the time and space to choose someone right for you, and not just "get it over with" because it's something everyone wants you to do. It would be tough, and probably feel like it was getting worse before it was getting better, but it's no different than a physical wound. If you get shot, and learn to live with a bullet lodged in your shoulder causing you discomfort for years, you still need to get it addressed. Getting the bullet removed will hurt like a bitch, but you will be healthier and happier when it's out and is healing.
  • Haha I didn't mean to give my former counselor a bad rap, I just meant people in general.  I was unable to express what I was feeling; all I could do was cry because I was so emotionally overloaded. It wasn't really the counselors fault.  But I do view them as causing me to cry and this makes me upset.

    Thanks for encouraging me guys :)  I really don't want to do this but I guess I have too and I hope interviewing them won't be so bad, but I still don't like it. Thanks for being here for me :)

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • I'm late to this, but I just want to say I'm really happy for you, Ray! I hope that you find a great counselor/therapist and are able to open up and confide in them. Depending on your insurance and time, it may be a good idea to check a few people out if you have had a hard time in the past. IMO a female may be the best option for you, too! Good luck!
    5/27/12
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