MOH is a no-show to everything.

snorwo3 · April 2011

I have been lurking this board for a while, so I wanted to state first and foremost that I COMPLETELY agree that a bridesmaid/MOH has no duties other than getting a dress, showing up, and smiling. I agree they are not part of your planning process and should not be forced to do so.

That being said, I was wondering what y'all think of this. One of my good friends is getting married in June. Instead of having lots of bridesmaids, she picked her very best friend to be her one-and-only. The best friend is a girl we've all known for years.. she was the girl who always needed a ride somewhere, always needed someone pay for her movie ticket or bar cover, etc. But regardless, as long as she had a ride or something, she was there.

Well, now she has a job and a car and everything necessary. She did not show up to the designated date that her and the bride agreed upon to pick the bridesmaid dress. The bride was waiting at the bridal store for her, and the MOH texted 30 minutes after the designated time saying she forgot it was that day.. and that she needed a ride and was 1 hour away.

This hurt the bride's feelings but I guess she let it go and moved on. Well, yesterday was the bridal shower. The bride's mother and aunts hosted the shower for her. When I had been at the shower for about half and hour, I noticed the MOH wasn't there. I texted her asking here where she was (we were supposed to be meeting to plan the bachelorette after the shower) and she said she was 1.5 hours away and that she had JUST left and her car was making a weird noise so she turned around. Whether true or not, she had just left from 1.5 hours away and we were 30 minutes into the shower.

The bride has been hurt by this and you can tell.. but she's not caused any drama or "demoted" the MOH (understandably).

So I ask.. as much as we are against demoting bridesmaids here and I agree, what would you do with a MOH who did this to you?

zitiqueen · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-show-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:93962c6d-eeab-449e-a815-07dd62818919Post:81e60d07-5f1f-4052-89dd-86e07ec93834">MOH is a no-show to everything.</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been lurking this board for a while, so I wanted to state first and foremost that I COMPLETELY agree that a bridesmaid/MOH has no duties other than getting a dress, showing up, and smiling. I agree they are not part of your planning process and should not be forced to do so. That being said, I was wondering what y'all think of this. One of my good friends is getting married in June. Instead of having lots of bridesmaids, she picked her very best friend to be her one-and-only. The best friend is a girl we've all known for years.. she was the girl who always needed a ride somewhere, always needed someone pay for her movie ticket or bar cover, etc. But regardless, as long as she had a ride or something, she was there. Well, now she has a job and a car and everything necessary. She did not show up to the designated date that her and the bride agreed upon to pick the bridesmaid dress. The bride was waiting at the bridal store for her, and the MOH texted 30 minutes after the designated time saying she forgot it was that day.. and that she needed a ride and was 1 hour away. This hurt the bride's feelings but I guess she let it go and moved on. Well, yesterday was the bridal shower. The bride's mother and aunts hosted the shower for her. When I had been at the shower for about half and hour, I noticed the MOH wasn't there. I texted her asking here where she was (we were supposed to be meeting to plan the bachelorette after the shower) and she said she was 1.5 hours away and that she had JUST left and her car was making a weird noise so she turned around. Whether true or not, she had just left from 1.5 hours away and we were 30 minutes into the shower. The bride has been hurt by this and you can tell.. but she's not caused any drama or "demoted" the MOH (understandably). So I ask.. as much as we are against demoting bridesmaids here and I agree, what would you do with a MOH who did this to you?
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]

I'd say to myself "Self, " (I call myself 'Self'), "Self," I''d say, "You knew she was an irresponsible, moochy flake when you asked her to be your MOH, so you have nobody to blame but yourself. You knew exactly what you were signing up for."

snorwo3 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-show-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:93962c6d-eeab-449e-a815-07dd62818919Post:0906c951-be41-49b6-90f3-73731facc764">Re: MOH is a no-show to everything.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MOH is a no-show to everything. : I'd say to myself "Self, " (I call myself 'Self'), "Self," I''d say, "You knew she was an irresponsible, moochy flake when you asked her to be your MOH, so you have nobody to blame but yourself. You knew exactly what you were signing up for."
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I definitely agree with that! lol. Unfortunately, I am not the bride and am not sure if the bride ever saw how irresponsible of a person she is until now. I only see because I never liked the girl much and was pretty judgmental of her (I know, I'm awful).</div><div>
</div><div>I guess I look at this from more of a non-wedding-related standpoint: If my friend didn't show up to things she promised to show up to (for no reason), I'd be livid. So it seems to me personally that if you are asked to be the MOH and only bridesmaid, and you SAY YES, you shouldn't skip the bridal shower because you decided to party out of town. My friend (the bride) is the least "this is my day" type of person.. seems like she deserves to have her MOH at her side at her own bridal shower :(</div>

vicki0508 · April 2011

So since you're the BM, you should probably let the bride make her own decision, and I hope you aren't whispering in her ear that you'd be a much better MOH.

snorwo3 · April 2011

[QUOTE]So since you're the BM[/QUOTE]

<div>No I'm not. I thought I made it clear this girl is the one-and-only MOH/bridesmaid. I'm not saying anything to the bride :) Nor did I say I was. I was just curious as to what all of your opinions are or what you would do in the situation.</div><div>
</div><div>I have been scanning the other boards on here and this one in particular seems to be vert stickler on never getting rid of a bridesmaid no matter what (which I generally agree with) so I was just wondering what you personally would do if your only BM/MOH was a no-show to your bridal shower and events she promised to show for.</div>

chocoholic4life · April 2011

I might start to wonder if our friendship meant as much to her as it did to me, but as far as doing anything about it...no.

kellyb1487 · April 2011

The shower is optional, especially if she is not the one hosting it. Sometimes things happen (like a broken car). It stinks and I'm sure the bride is annoyed/hurt. But not a reason to demote her or start anything. Both of you should let it go. As long as she is at the ceremony on time, then all is right with the world.

AutumnFair · April 2011

I would either believe or not believe she was having car trouble and let it go. Yes, it sucks and I would be hurt too that she wasn't there but I would move on. This situation does NOT merrit being demoted. Here is a list that would get a person demoted:

1. Sleeping with my FI (but I think I would have bigger problems then that).

2. Steeling from me

3. Making up slanderous stories or racists remarks about me, my FI or family

4. If they don't take care of my pets (If I asked her to) <-yes, there was Bride who had this happen to her

Basically, those 4 are what would get someone kicked out. Mostly it is something that a friend would do that would end your friendship would end being MOH.

snorwo3 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-show-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:93962c6d-eeab-449e-a815-07dd62818919Post:975a5775-eb48-4b88-8b86-1ccc6c50ead8">Re: MOH is a no-show to everything.</a>:
[QUOTE]The shower is optional, especially if she is not the one hosting it. Sometimes things happen (like a broken car). It stinks and I'm sure the bride is annoyed/hurt. But not a reason to demote her or start anything. Both of you should let it go. As long as she is at the ceremony on time, then all is right with the world.
Posted by kellyb1487[/QUOTE]
I don't necessarily think she should be demoted, and if it came off that's what I was suggesting, it's not what I intented.
I was just wondering what you would DO or say to her :)

Yes, a shower is not required but I mean come on.. some of the ladies here are acting like being a bridesmaid (and MOH at that) means making no commitment whatsoever. Yes, it shoulnd't be this daunting task that many brides make it out to be.. but agreeing to be a MOH when asked should mean agreeing to be there for something as basic as the bridal shower.

Regardless if the girl's car broke on the way or if it was a lie, she was 1.5 hours away from the city we were in from partying the night before and had left to head to the shower at the time the shower was starting (which is when she texted claiming car troubles). I don't see how ladies here don't think that's a crappy thing to do to a friend :(

Take away the wedding, if a friend of mine promised to be there for something and then decided at the time of this event not to show (and did it multiple times in the past), I'd be pissed. It could be something as simple as hanging out casually.

I've been lurking this board a bit and really like some aspects of it, but am not sure how long I'll be able to stay around and watch people tell new girls day after day that her bridesmaids don't have to show up to anything or even be happy for her at all. I simply don't agree with that and to be honest, don't know a person outside of the few on this board who agree with that. Seems like friendships don't work that way to me.

em01092 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-show-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:93962c6d-eeab-449e-a815-07dd62818919Post:6f3c88c9-c4b6-46e0-a71b-3d6f45386b27">Re: MOH is a no-show to everything.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH is a no-show to everything. :Yes, a shower is not required but I mean come on.. some of the ladies here are acting like being a bridesmaid (and MOH at that) means making no commitment whatsoever. Yes, it shoulnd't be this daunting task that many brides make it out to be.. but agreeing to be a MOH when asked should mean agreeing to be there for something as basic as the bridal shower. Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I am of the opinion that you should not agree to be a BM if you cannot help contribute (not necessarily financially, but that helps) to helping the bride have the best experience/day. Does that mean you're her bitch? No. But you should accept that customs and traditions say MOHs and BMs do certain things, whether they "have to" or not... you should be willing to be there for her if she needs a hand or to vent to someone, which is what friends do anyway, right? But we're probably going to get flamed. </div>

AutumnFair · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-show-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:93962c6d-eeab-449e-a815-07dd62818919Post:6f3c88c9-c4b6-46e0-a71b-3d6f45386b27">Re: MOH is a no-show to everything.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH is a no-show to everything. : I don't necessarily think she should be demoted, and if it came off that's what I was suggesting, it's not what I intented. I was just wondering what you would DO or say to her :) Yes, a shower is not required but I mean come on.. some of the ladies here are acting like being a bridesmaid (and MOH at that) means making no commitment whatsoever. Yes, it shoulnd't be this daunting task that many brides make it out to be.. but agreeing to be a MOH when asked should mean agreeing to be there for something as basic as the bridal shower. Regardless if the girl's car broke on the way or if it was a lie, she was 1.5 hours away from the city we were in from partying the night before and had left to head to the shower at the time the shower was starting (which is when she texted claiming car troubles). I don't see how ladies here don't think that's a crappy thing to do to a friend :( Take away the wedding, if a friend of mine promised to be there for something and then decided at the time of this event not to show (and did it multiple times in the past), I'd be pissed. It could be something as simple as hanging out casually. I've been lurking this board a bit and really like some aspects of it, but am not sure how long I'll be able to stay around and watch people tell new girls day after day that her bridesmaids don't have to show up to anything or even be happy for her at all. I simply don't agree with that and to be honest, don't know a person outside of the few on this board who agree with that. Seems like friendships don't work that way to me.
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>First, Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor are <strong>titles</strong> for the closest relationship to the Bride. There is no job requirement as a BM, it is a simple title that you <u>honor</u> your closest friends or family. Most friends and family do like to help out or talk or listen but if all you do is talk about your wedding with people it gets pretty boring.</div><div>
</div><div>I have family that flake out on events because they want to do their own thing (drink, boat, etc). Do I get peeved? Yes, and I don't expect other Brides to NOT be peeved when someone their close to flakes out on an event that they said would come. Do I hold a grudge or get passive aggressive? Heck no, maybe it's because I am pretty open person and understand that people aren't going to be interested in what I want to do, but little stuff like flaking out of certain things are not something I jeopardize a relationship. I know that friends and family in my life would be there in times of REAL need like having a death or serious illness strike, financial, or just random life problems or just hanging out asking how <em>everyone's</em> life is going not just my own. To me, that is what friendship is.</div><div>
</div>

AutumnFair · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-show-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:93962c6d-eeab-449e-a815-07dd62818919Post:94527ca6-d409-4576-a342-ad4c3d5f6bbe">Re: MOH is a no-show to everything.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH is a no-show to everything. : This. I am of the opinion that you should not agree to be a BM if you cannot help contribute (not necessarily financially, but that helps) to helping the bride have the best experience/day. Does that mean you're her bitch? No. But you should accept that customs and traditions say MOHs and BMs do certain things, whether they "have to" or not... you should be willing to be there for her if she needs a hand or to vent to someone, which is what friends do anyway, right? But we're probably going to get flamed.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

<div>So what about people who are OOT or those have a busy schedule (schoold, work, etc)? Do you expect them to step down? You might set your own expectation on yourself for being apart of wedding but you should not impose your expectation to others. So many problems can and have arose when Brides who were former BMs did a ton of stuff for the Bride and now expect to be repaid. Just because you volunteered to do stuff doesn't mean the people you are suppose to care about are forced to do it for you. If that's the way you want your BMs to view you, that is your choice, but when possible problems or hurt feelings come from a result of your expectations you can see why we caution Brides what the real expectations are for a WP member. </div>

linzerd · April 2011

Speaking from experience, my MOH is also a flake. She is the queen of indecision and disorganization. However, she is my closest female friend, I have no sisters or close cousins, therefore she was designated as my MOH. BUT, my other best friend is a guy, so I also have a Man of Honor. Organized, not a flake and has his $hit together (he's gay, shocking, I know!). So I knew things would be cool to a point as long as I had him. Had I not had him, I would have gone to another one of my bridesmaids and asked them to pick up after my MOH's mess. I would NEVER just have chosen her, knowing how she is, because I knew nothing would ever have gotten done. So I have to say, it sounds like your friend the bride made a bad decision, and someone should have run that by her ahead of time.

stephdonjon · April 2011

The bride is the one who made her the MOH, so if anyone did decide to demote her (not that I agree with this) it's entirely the bride's decision. As long as she's willing to ride it out, you just have to be, too.

MOH is a no-show to everything.

Re: MOH is a no-show to everything.

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